I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Dialysis Discussion => Dialysis: Humor, Pictures, Stories and Poems => Topic started by: LifeOnHold on August 12, 2005, 09:15:14 PM
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You know dialysis is taking over your life when:
You don't see a plain-old banana-- you see a loaded pistol!
The produce section of your local grocery store becomes like a red-light district for you
Commercials featuring flowing streams and rushing waters no longer make you feel like you have to pee, they make you THIRSTY!
You hope whoever came up with any of the flavors of Tums dies a long and painful death
You realize that dialysis is just like the Army: You're part of a unit, and 'hurry up and wait' is now a large part of your life
You have a voodoo doll of your cab or van driver
You now know that those large styrofoam cups in the unit are NOT for snow-cones!
You have learned to dread it when the nurses roll out the 'privacy screens' around an often-incontinent patient
You now understand how disagreements over tv channels can lead to violence
You quit hoping you'll win the lottery because you realize that it will screw up your Medicare
You refuse to have a recliner in your home
You have learned to do many things with one hand
You have a large collection of Readers' Digest issues, crossword puzzle and find-a-word books, and tons of ballpoint pens
You don't know what you weigh in pounds
If you get anything over 30 seconds with your doctor, you think you've hit the jackpot
;D
Feel free to add to the list!
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You got some great lines there ;D I really like alot of them but my favorites are:
If you get anything over 30 seconds with your doctor, you think you've hit the jackpot
You have learned to dread it when the nurses roll out the 'privacy screens' around an often-incontinent patient
Keep 'em coming! ;D
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You know Dialysis is taking over your life when......
When you have Excel spread sheets tracking Holiday road accidents and Transplants.
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Good one, Darla! ;D
My transplant surgeon told a group of us awaiting transplants that he thinks the worst thing Massachusetts ever did was pass the Helmet Law for motorcycles-- the amount of transplants performed in our state went down drastically, because the majority of bike riders are organ donors. (Bikes are called 'donorcycles' by a lot of medical people.)
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You Know Dialysis Is Taking Over Your Life When:
Your address book contains more phone numbers for doctors than for your own relatives
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You know Dialysis is taking over your life when......
When you have Excel spread sheets tracking Holiday road accidents and Transplants.
;D
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You know Dialysis is taking over your life when......
When you have Excel spread sheets tracking Holiday road accidents and Transplants.
A future news announcer: "And tonight on I-91, a three-car accident netted a total of four kidneys, one liver, two lungs, and five corneas... congratulations to tonight's winners!" ;)
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Traffic Watch: There is a possible 3 car transplant, I mean accident, on 99 North. So, stay by your phones. :o
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Three-car transplant ;D
You know dialysis is taking over your life when:
You watch the episode of X-Files that has a woman on dialysis, and you know that not only is the pump speed WAAAAAY too slow, the pump is also running backward!
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You Know Dialysis Is Taking Over Your Life When...
You get a Blood Pressure Meter for a Christmass pressie :( :(
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You Know Dialysis Is Taking Over Your Life When...
You get a Blood Pressure Meter for a Christmass pressie :( :(
Ouch!
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Your week has been squished into three days - Monday, Wednesday and Friday
When the first thing you check out in a vacation spot is not the beaches or the hotels, but the dialysis center
Meeting an old friend who enquires about what is happening in your life, the first thing you talk about is the fact that you are on dialysis now
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You know dialysis is taking over your life when
You are introduced to some one, Instead of saying hello you ask what's your blood type? ;D
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You know dialysis is taking over your life when:
You have a personal website devoted to dialysis.
You get a successful transplant and:
You can't drink as much as you are told to.
Your potassium and phosphorus are alarmingly low.
You check your shunt a few times a day (or the missing PD tube).
You have nightmares in which you are back on dialysis, in an unfamiliar place.
(Personal experience)
Gil
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you know dialysis is taking over your life when
you have 3oz of water and every one is chanting chug, chug, chug, ;D
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Just read these over after a long time and find it all so hilarious! LifeOnHold, we miss you BAD!!!!
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You don't know what you weigh in pounds
You know what's frightening? I have that problem! Of course, my weight in kilos sounds a lot better than my weight in pounds!
;D
Feel free to add to the list!
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You don't know what you weigh in pounds
;D
Feel free to add to the list!
You know what's frightening? I have that problem! Of course, my weight in kilos sounds a lot better than my weight in pounds!
When you don't go out anymore because everywhere are too many temptations and all there is in your city are bars.
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You know dialysis is taking over your life when some days it feels like all you do is go to work, sleep, eat, and do dialysis. :(
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You know dialysis is taking over your life when drinking water is a sensual experience.
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You know dialysis is taking over your life when drinking water is a sensual experience.
Amen to that one! I take mt pills in the morning and the small glass of water is heavenly!
You know dialysis is taking over your life when you spend an hour filling your pill containers at least once a week, then you double check yourself each time you take the pills by counting them.
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You know dialysis is taking over your life when...
* You judge food by how well it is at covering that chalky crappy taste of Caltrate you have to eat with it!
* you "celebrate" an occasion with just 1 glass of wine/champ and think you are splurging
* You actually take an acute interest in the amount you pee out and celebrate when it is more than a trickle (for those that still do!)
* You see a small bottle/serve/can of your faveroute beverage and cheer even though it costs twice as much as a bigger one
* You seem to notice how every 2nd person in the street or public transport has a large bottle of water on them and they always seem to drink from it right in front of you.. "oh the pain! the pain!" - Dr. Smith, Lost in Space
* You order a boring sub at subway without tomatoes and other good things because of the potassium content and they ALWAYS give you a funny look and say "what an easy order!" but you know they're really thinking "what a boring loser!" and you sigh.
* You read a restaurant menu and decide not based on what you want, but what best fits your dieticians orders and what the last test results were for your various chemicals
* You note that drinking hard spirits is better than beer because of the much lower fluid volume...
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You know dialysis is taking over your life when...
Your favorite scene from "Star Trek IV:The Voyage Home" involves Dr. McCoy, who has travelled with the Enterprise crew, back to the 20th Century. In one scene, Bones encounters a woman on a gurney in a San Francisco hospital. When asked her problem, she says she's on kidney dialysis. Bones comments on the barbaric medical practice and gives the woman a pill. When we see her later on, she's rejoicing because the pill healed her kidneys!
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Your hands have never been so clean (scrub scrub scrub on Capd)
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You know dialysis is taking over your life when...
Your favorite scene from "Star Trek IV:The Voyage Home" involves Dr. McCoy, who has travelled with the Enterprise crew, back to the 20th Century. In one scene, Bones encounters a woman on a gurney in a San Francisco hospital. When asked her problem, she says she's on kidney dialysis. Bones comments on the barbaric medical practice and gives the woman a pill. When we see her later on, she's rejoicing because the pill healed her kidneys!
I LOVE that scene!
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You punch anyone trying to grab your fistula arm.
You always have your blankie and pillow in the car.
You hold your breath in while weighing in, hoping it will levitate you slightly.
You buy a international remote control to mess with a noisy patient's tv channels.
Two words: crushed ice.
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You hold your breath in while weighing in, hoping it will levitate you slightly.
Someone has been spying on me!!!
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Oh gosh. you pp; on here are so CrAzY! im almost on the verge of tears. ok i got one
...when most of your vacations are WEEKEND GETAWAYS!
You know dialysis is taking over your life when:
You don't see a plain-old banana-- you see a loaded pistol!
The produce section of your local grocery store becomes like a red-light district for you
Commercials featuring flowing streams and rushing waters no longer make you feel like you have to pee, they make you THIRSTY!
You hope whoever came up with any of the flavors of Tums dies a long and painful death
You realize that dialysis is just like the Army: You're part of a unit, and 'hurry up and wait' is now a large part of your life
You have a voodoo doll of your cab or van driver
You now know that those large styrofoam cups in the unit are NOT for snow-cones!
You have learned to dread it when the nurses roll out the 'privacy screens' around an often-incontinent patient
You now understand how disagreements over tv channels can lead to violence
You quit hoping you'll win the lottery because you realize that it will screw up your Medicare
You refuse to have a recliner in your home
You have learned to do many things with one hand
You have a large collection of Readers' Digest issues, crossword puzzle and find-a-word books, and tons of ballpoint pens
You don't know what you weigh in pounds
If you get anything over 30 seconds with your doctor, you think you've hit the jackpot
;D
Feel free to add to the list!
-
Oh gosh. you pp; on here are so CrAzY! im almost on the verge of tears. ok i got one
...when most of your vacations are WEEKEND GETAWAYS!
Surely you mean ALL!!
This is now 2 years on dialysis, and the only vacations others than weekend getaways are when I go to my home country, and the price of dialysis there means I only stay about a week or so.
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when your diet mantra is "If it tastes good don't eat it!"
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You dream about urinating.
You check out the size of other people's fistula's.
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You log onto the computer "just to check email" and you end up spending 2 hours on IHD.
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That is the one that gets me every time!
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When you consider bringing your own La-Z-boy recliner on your dialysis days.
When you plan any event in your life around it. "No, I can't go with you to a spur of the moment trip to Vegas. I haven't cleared it with my center!!"
When you start knowing more about your nurses and technicians than you know about some of the non-dialysis people in your life.
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You wake up (late) on an off dialysis day, then run around to get ready to go - when almost ready, realize its TUESDAY not WEDNESDAY. :banghead;
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You accidentally say have a good treatment to a non dialysis patient rather than saying have a good day/night!
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:bump; Bumping this thread up for the new peeps to see.
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When my youngest son calls and says "How was your run today?"......well, we know it wasn't on any trails. :rofl;
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:bump; Bumping this thread up for the new peeps to see.
You've been grave-digging. ;D
Interesting though and I wouldn't have read it if you hadn't dug it up.
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When the hubby turns to me at 4a.m. in the car and says "Well how was IT?" And we know IT was not sex.
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When the hubby turns to me at 4a.m. in the car and says "Well how was IT?" And we know IT was not sex.
:rofl; :rofl; :rofl;
EDITED:Fixed spelling errors in my quote-kitkatz,Moderator
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A conversation between my husband and me:
Me: How did that feel?
Him: It was great.
Me: It felt good to me, too.
Topic?
Sticking the needles in his arm.
Has dialysis taken over our lives??
:rofl; :rofl;
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Now this one was funny...
Mine is: When you set up a blind date with your nurse and your buddy next door...
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when it is like you are back in college
M day classes -- M W F
M day treatments M W F
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When you walk in the lobby area and forget it you are leaving dialysis or waiting for you turn.
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when trying on a blouse -- you ask --"Does this make my fistula look big?"
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when trying on a blouse -- you ask --"Does this make my fistula look big?"
:rofl; :rofl; :rofl;
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when trying on a blouse you ask: "Is this sleeve too tight?" on the fistula/graft arm.
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When you look in your closet for something to wear and all you have are dialysis clothes.
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your closet is split into two types of clothing, the most comfortable ugly things you own and wear to dialysis three days a week, and the rest of it.
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You always keep several
get well cards on the mantle.
That way, when unexpected guests arrive,
they will know you've been sick
and will be unable to clean up after them.
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When you go to a family reunion and sit with your SIL's husband sharing caregiver tips and treatment parameters!
And urging him to join IHD! :clap;
:rofl; :rofl;
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You always keep several
get well cards on the mantle.
That way, when unexpected guests arrive,
they will know you've been sick
and will be unable to clean up after them.
So sneacky ! I love this.... I am going to use it ! SOON
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You admire your fistula more than you admire your penis.
;D
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:rofl;
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I don't have a penis :2thumbsup;
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aren't you glad?
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yes, really I am
:bandance;
no penis envy here
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Reminds me of a joke I had with some of the (female) nurses when they tell me how big my fistula is.... "Yes you know it's good when you've got a big throbbing... fistula" or "you know what they say about men with large throbbing fistulas...."
:rofl;
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what do they say about women with large, throbbing fistulas :banghead;
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I love my husband's large throbbing.... fistula.
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One of the nurses at the unit ( a new one training) felt hubby's fistula and said your's is long and big!! Of course he had an answer for her!! LOL!!
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what do they say about women with large, throbbing fistulas :banghead;
I don't know but I'd love to meet one. Could be fun finding out !!! >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D :rofl;
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you know dialysis is taking over your life when ------ :oops; I forgot what I was going to post
oh wait, nope, can't remember
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You see healthy person taking meds, get excited :) ask what they are taking...
Get disappointed, :( find out its Tylenol
girl
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You judge how sick someone is not by how he "looks" but what his GFR is.
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you know dialysis is taking over your life when ------ :oops; I forgot what I was going to post
oh wait, nope, can't remember
... when you keep forgetting things ;D
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You Know Dialysis Is taking over your life when...you are proud of how drunk you managed to get on shots on your last and only night out in months.
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You Know Dialysis Is taking over your life when... you dream tht you left your dialysis bag at the clinic and the need to go get it.
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You know dialysis is taking over your life when they have to wake you up to go home, and you want "just 5 more minutes".
:waiting;
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You know dialysis is taking over your life when they have to wake you up to go home, and you want "just 5 more minutes".
:waiting;
WOW, and I thought dreaming about it was bad..... :o
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WOW, and I thought dreaming about it was bad..... :o
EEEEckkk. I hate dialysis dreams, or rather nightmares. I seem to be having a lot of them lately. I was, well still am to a certain degree scared of needles. The first few sessions I was bubbling like a kid, my nightmares usually involve lots of sharp things.
You Know dialysis is taking over your life when...your diary is filled with more appointment reminders than everything else in your diary put together.
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You know dialysis is taking over your life when they have to wake you up to go home, and you want "just 5 more minutes".
:waiting;
Oooooppss that happened to me this morning, was put in isolation room due to me having the nasty :puke; and runny stuff bug...so not a lot of sleep for the last two nights......asked if lights could be turned off...next thing I know, she is waking me up to unhook me ???.....well away I was :2thumbsup;
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Yes dreaming and solving problems....... Since I start self cannulation I have been trying to work on a better way to use the needles so that I dont clott....... I have been using a wet needle and ajusting that so that it works better with the flash........ This is what I dream...... all night working on doing dialysis and then all day doing dialysis....... When will it stop...... :rofl;
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You know dialysis might be taking over your life.......when you set the computr cntrolled thermosat for "dialysis days" and "non dialysis days". On dialysis days the heat is lower. Came home one day last week, got out of the center early, and forgt we had that "setting", house was like a frozen wilderness. :rofl; :rofl;
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You know dialysis is taking over your life if....you jump whenever the phone rings
...your phone battery dying whilst your out is a major disaster and you resort to desperate measures to acquire a phone charger.
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You Know Dialysis Is Taking Over Your Life When...
You check every day to make sure you brought your dialysis bag into the house from the car.
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when you make sure your pillow and blanket for dialysis are in the car.
when you have to put your pillow and blanket in the trunk of the car for other passengers, because that is where you keep your dialysis stuff.
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When your adress book run out of "d" space as all the names in it starts with Dr. this and Dr that.
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when the only time you leave the house is to go to dialysis or the grocery store.
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when the only time you leave the house is to go to dialysis or the grocery store.
True that!! When I was on dialysis,my energy levels were so low even showering was a chore.
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...you don't light candles anymore cause you're scared you'll hook up to pd for the night, forget to blow them out and not be able to get to them.
...someone offers you Chex Mix and you check the bag's nutrition for potassium before you eat any.
...your favorite saying is that you have to hurry home to "hook up" (to pd that is!)
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your idea of a day off consists of a blanket and pillow because you're so tired from D.
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You have a dream that you're in the hospital and your surgery schedule is written on the whiteboard in your room, and you have 6 surgeries scheduled in 7 days. :o
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You get super excited when you can still Pee - even a little bit.
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You spend a year on dialysis before getting listed to remember what its about, so that when (or if ) your blessed with another chance at freedom, a kidney, you appreciate your gift that much more.
I hope this doesn't offend anyone, its just my opinion developed by the years of thinking in that chair.
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You won't allow a pickled ham at the Christmas lunch because you can't have any. heheheheheh
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when everyone knows the name for your catheter in your chest is "that damn thing!" and agrees with you!
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.. the first thing you pack when going on holiday is all the medication and emergency numbers for the town you are going to. :bandance;
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Before you go on vacation you see where the nearest dialysis center is and book time in it with the social worker a month or more in advance.
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...you become envious of other guys' streams in the public restrooms.
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... the icicles outside your window make you crave a cup of ice.
... you get nervous when the "medium sized " soda you order at the movies turns out to be a large sized drink. (this actually happened to me a few times). :sos;
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Its when you are using the nxstage boxes to use for your gift boxes and wrapping them......
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... when you hardly know what day it is, but knows that your dialysis is in 2 days. :thumbup;
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...when you find it comfortable to lie with your arm outstreached, palm up.
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You cannot lie on your left arm because you have fistula there, and a catheter in the right side is not letting you lie on it, so what do you do?
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You cannot lie on your left arm because you have fistula there, and a catheter in the right side is not letting you lie on it, so what do you do?
You just lay flat on your back and stare at the celing! ???
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the dialysis tech seems like your only friend left ....
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the dialysis tech seems like your only friend left ....
???
And your friends on IHD! :waving;
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You cannot lie on your left arm because you have fistula there, and a catheter in the right side is not letting you lie on it, so what do you do?
You just lay flat on your back and stare at the celing! ???
I still do that, even though I haven't had a line in over a year. I've learned to sleep on my back, even though I always slept on my right side before..
Let me think.. You know dialysis is taking over your life when you get so excited when you pee, that you post your excitement on facebook.... my facebook friends thought that was very funny at the time
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When you know everyones first name at the center but cant remember your neighbors name.
Iwannabean
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...your favorite saying is that you have to hurry home to "hook up" (to pd that is!)
That was always my excuse to get out of a particularly boring outing.. I don't have that excuse anymore
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You know dialysis is taking over your life when...
You dread Fridays.
Somebody is asking what you're doing over the weekend and you have to reply with "dialysis".
You walk up to the Fresinius booth at the Hospital Fair and ask what they can tell you that you don't already know.
You join iHateDialysis.com :D
You want to kill your doctor if he mentions your fluid gains one more time.
You refuse to go to Golden Coral...
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The sight of your own blood spurting on the floor (or on a nurse) makes you laugh
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My Life as it is now......Sucks big time :stressed;
Sam
You know dialysis is taking over your life when some days it feels like all you do is go to work, sleep, eat, and do dialysis. :(
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You know dialysis has taken over your life when you fall asleep before they get the needles in.
:waiting;
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You know dialysis has taken over your life when you fall asleep before they get the needles in.
:waiting;
That happened to a guy in my unit.. the nurses were busy so one of the resident care workers got his weight, temp, and blood pressure, then put him in the chair with a warm blanket. He fell asleep, but had his arm out, waiting. Half an hour later, someone noticed that he wasn't hooked up.
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When you hardly know asks "how are you doing?", you immediately wonder "does he know?".