I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Dialysis Discussion => Dialysis: General Discussion => Topic started by: cattlekid on October 02, 2012, 07:11:14 AM
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I have had it up to here and beyond with my husband. He is supposed to be my “care partner” … that is laughable. I work full time and have been doing short daily home hemo since December of last year. I do everything related to my treatments: setup, cannulation, charting, pull my own needles and teardown. I also do supply inventory, ordering and rotation. He does not accompany me to clinic visits or nephrologist visits.
Along with all of that, I am also responsible for cleaning the house, cooking all meals, doing all of the laundry and keeping the checkbooks balanced and bills paid. I’ve given up on the outside chores as we have a teenager who cuts the grass and rakes the leaves.
I’ve asked for help a million times and I’ve been stonewalled. He can’t or won’t understand that I get exhausted after just a few minutes of any type of manual labor. Carrying the laundry basket from the basement up to the bedroom requires five minutes of rest afterwards. If I ask him to do anything, all I get is eye rolling and complaints that I should get my friends to come over and help.
I’m at my wits end….hiring more help is outside our budget. I can’t reduce my hours or quit work or we would lose our house. Family is not nearby to help either.
Any ideas?
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It sounds awful! Is marriage counseling an option?
Keep in mind that I'm single / haven't had to deal with this..... I'd stop doing anything for him. Feed yourself, but stop preparing his meals. Stop doing his laundry. Sit him down to talk to him about what your limits are and don't back down. Then when he "forgets" later to do what you've agreed together that he'll do, it just doesn't get done. Even when it drives you crazy when he doesn't hold up his end of the deal, don't do it yourself! If he still doesn't respond and show you some respect, I'd think about leaving or kicking him out. If the house is too much to handle, have you considered selling it? If he isn't going to help, you might be happier in an apartment, with or without him.
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Hello Deanne,
Marriage counseling would be hard to fit into the schedule right now. Unfortunately, that’s the downside to short daily home hemo and working full time. It’s wonderful that it is at home, but it makes scheduling anything in the evenings pretty tough.
I’ve tried the tactic of not doing anything other than my stuff as well. He literally will pout like a two year old, which makes me mental and then I cave in. Then he complains that I spend my “good time” with my friends. BTW, that’s just two to three hours a week on average, which I feel I deserve otherwise my life would be nothing but dialysis and work.
I am on the transplant list and have had one call already so I don’t want to do anything drastic like leaving as I know this is not forever.
I’m thinking I may have to resort to Kit’s stick….
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It does not sound like he does much at all around the house. I would make a list of chores that need to be done and sit down with him. Have a piece of paper with your name on 1 side and his on the other. Sit down with him and try and split up the chores. If he sees that everything is on your side and nothing is on his he may come around and take some of the chores. Some people are visual and need to see on paper that things are unfair. If you can get him to even take a little more on it would be a start.
I am a single dad and unfortunately have to do everything myself. I do in center hemo while the kids are in school. If I had a healthy spouse not doing anything I would be very upset as well.
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Make a list of chores and who should do what. If he doesn't do his list of chores don't do anything eventually he will notice. When my boyfriend first moved in the only chores he had was dishes duty. Over the years he has taken on more stuff as I felt like I needed more time to myself and i was tired. So now he makes the bed every day, take out the recycling, and takes out the garbage daily. He is also responsible for his own laundry.
He is also responsible for doing all the handyman and tech stuff around like changing light bulbs and software updates on our computers.
What are his chores or responsibilities at home?
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I say kick him out. It will probably wake him up and make him see that you are serious. Tell him that you need support and if he can't give it to you you're better off without him. I think sometimes partners just don't get it. You have to do something drastic to actually get their attention. It would probably at least lead to a conversation about your needs and his real thoughts on the matter.
Just stopping doing anything for him is passive aggressive. It won't solve anything, will just make the atmosphere that much more bitter and you more frustrated.
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He has none, other than keeping the cars maintained. Indoor chores fall to me. Normally, this has never been an issue but with the daily home hemo, time has become of the essence.
What are his chores or responsibilities at home?
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Unfortunately, I cannot kick him out for as far as my clinic is concerned, he is my care partner. I have to have a care partner as they will not allow me to dialyze alone. Going back in center is a fate that I could not deal with.
I read all of these other posts about care partners who do everything and sorely wish for a happy medium.
I say kick him out. It will probably wake him up and make him see that you are serious. Tell him that you need support and if he can't give it to you you're better off without him. I think sometimes partners just don't get it. You have to do something drastic to actually get their attention. It would probably at least lead to a conversation about your needs and his real thoughts on the matter.
Just stopping doing anything for him is passive aggressive. It won't solve anything, will just make the atmosphere that much more bitter and you more frustrated.
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Everyone else has tired to hit on the divide up the chores thing.
There is one thing I notice you said,
Then he complains that I spend my “good time” with my friends. BTW, that’s just two to three hours a week on average, which I feel I deserve otherwise my life would be nothing but dialysis and work.
Do you spend any "good time" with him? Do you do any of the things you and he liked doing pre-dialysis? It could be he misses the way it used to be. (I'm not defending him)
Have you actually sat down and told him how you are feeling? And that you would really like him to come to appointments, and help with this or that around the house? without accusing or yelling at him.
I wish I could offer a foolproof idea. It sounds like you have been trying to settle this with him for a while now. Look at it from his angle and maybe that will give you the help you need to convince him to help you. :cuddle;
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Here’s how an average week works out:
Monday – work/dialysis
Tuesday - work/dialysis
Wednesday – work, dinner with friends every other Wed.
Thursday – work/dialysis
Friday – work/dialysis
Saturday – breakfast with friends, dialysis, dinner and something fun with DH
Sunday – breakfast out with DH, chores and errands, relax in evening to gear up for week
I am trying to get DH to understand that if we take the “chores and errands” and get them done during the week, there would be more time on Sundays to do whatever he would like to do. Normally, he splits after breakfast and goes to do something fun and leaves me at home to do the rest. If he’s upset that I don’t go with him for these ventures, then he’s going to have to pick up the slack during the week. I’ve tried asking nicely for help but it turns into him getting defensive and accusing me of being lazy, which in turn infuriates me and then things escalate and we both end up being pissed off.
Everyone else has tired to hit on the divide up the chores thing.
There is one thing I notice you said,
Then he complains that I spend my “good time” with my friends. BTW, that’s just two to three hours a week on average, which I feel I deserve otherwise my life would be nothing but dialysis and work.
Do you spend any "good time" with him? Do you do any of the things you and he liked doing pre-dialysis? It could be he misses the way it used to be. (I'm not defending him)
Have you actually sat down and told him how you are feeling? And that you would really like him to come to appointments, and help with this or that around the house? without accusing or yelling at him.
I wish I could offer a foolproof idea. It sounds like you have been trying to settle this with him for a while now. Look at it from his angle and maybe that will give you the help you need to convince him to help you. :cuddle;
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How can you be "lazy" when you're the one who's doing everything??? I speak as a single woman who knows that I will probably spend my entire life as a single woman. I know I do not have the patience for such childishness coming from a "grown" "man". I'm sorry, cattlekid, but your husband is NOT a man! A "real" man would be concerned about his wife's well being, and help out in any and every way that he can. The only excuse he can use to NOT help around the house is illness or injury. Does he not realize that you're ill??? Seriously????
I think your husband lives in his own little world, probably from 60+ years ago, the one where women are supposed to do everything around the house while he sits on his A$$ and grows a belly. I'm sorry, but "Mr" cattlekid, give me a freakin' break. Grow a pair and BE A MAN ALREADY!!!!!!
KarenInWA
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I'm sending you lots of sympathy. :grouphug;
Unfortunately I don't have great advice. I'm not married. From my perspective I'd want to kick his ass. Can he hire a maid for you? He sounds spoiled and immature to me. Jerk.
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What does he do while you're dialyzing? Seems like it would be the perfect time for him to do the after dinner washing up or to throw in a load of laundry.
I cannot believe that he actually suggested that you ask your friends to come over and help you with the domestic chores in HIS own home. I choked on my lunch when I read that.
I've met you, and I know that you are not the kind of person who would take any crap from anyone. I know that you address every problem that comes your way, and you seem to have tried everything to get your husband to help out, but he just won't. He seems to have dug his feet in, and frankly, I suspect that if by now he hasn't gotten the message, he never will. I think he may very well be a lost cause.
What really worries me is that he seems to be the kind of person who deflects and makes you the culprit. That he gets defensive whenever you ask for help makes me think that he is trying to manipulate you into feeling that all of this is somehow your fault, thereby absolving him of any responsibility whatsoever. This is more than a debate about divvying up domestic chores. This feels like he's instigating some sort of power struggle for some reason that I can't figure out. But then again, maybe I'm overanalyzing it. LOL!
How much can your teenager help with the inside chores? I'm curious...does your teen see what his/her dad is NOT doing around the house?
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Hello MM! I knew you'd chime in eventually :-)
DH keeps me company while I am dialyzing. Yes, it would seem that it would be the perfect time to do some laundry or other cleaning up, wouldn't it?
As far as the teenager, he's just a neighbor kid we hired to do the lawn and leaves. Believe me, if I thought that it would work out, I'd be hiring him to do the inside chores as well. He works cheap! ;D
I think a lot of DH's issues stem from his childhood. He was born with hydrocephalis and not expected to live through infancy. So his parents coddled him throughout life. He was never expected to do anything around the house. Unfortunately, he's never lived on his own (went right from mommy to me) and so I don't think he really understands what it takes to keep a household running. On the rare occasions when I have been in the hospital, he seems to be able to step up and at least keep the dog from starving so I'm sure he has it in him to take on other responsibilities as well. The missing link seems to be how to get him to see that just because I'm in the house, doesn't mean that I am capable of doing everything on my own.
What does he do while you're dialyzing? Seems like it would be the perfect time for him to do the after dinner washing up or to throw in a load of laundry.
I cannot believe that he actually suggested that you ask your friends to come over and help you with the domestic chores in HIS own home. I choked on my lunch when I read that.
I've met you, and I know that you are not the kind of person who would take any crap from anyone. I know that you address every problem that comes your way, and you seem to have tried everything to get your husband to help out, but he just won't. He seems to have dug his feet in, and frankly, I suspect that if by now he hasn't gotten the message, he never will. I think he may very well be a lost cause.
What really worries me is that he seems to be the kind of person who deflects and makes you the culprit. That he gets defensive whenever you ask for help makes me think that he is trying to manipulate you into feeling that all of this is somehow your fault, thereby absolving him of any responsibility whatsoever. This is more than a debate about divvying up domestic chores. This feels like he's instigating some sort of power struggle for some reason that I can't figure out. But then again, maybe I'm overanalyzing it. LOL!
How much can your teenager help with the inside chores? I'm curious...does your teen see what his/her dad is NOT doing around the house?
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Hello MM! I knew you'd chime in eventually :-)
Are you saying I talk too much and can't keep my mouth shut? :P
DH keeps me company while I am dialyzing. Yes, it would seem that it would be the perfect time to do some laundry or other cleaning up, wouldn't it?
Yes, yes it would.
As far as the teenager, he's just a neighbor kid we hired to do the lawn and leaves. Believe me, if I thought that it would work out, I'd be hiring him to do the inside chores as well. He works cheap! ;D
Oh, I see. Well, at least you have SOME help. Those outdoor chores, especially now in the autumn, can really be time consuming.
I think a lot of DH's issues stem from his childhood. He was born with hydrocephalis and not expected to live through infancy. So his parents coddled him throughout life. He was never expected to do anything around the house. Unfortunately, he's never lived on his own (went right from mommy to me) and so I don't think he really understands what it takes to keep a household running. On the rare occasions when I have been in the hospital, he seems to be able to step up and at least keep the dog from starving so I'm sure he has it in him to take on other responsibilities as well. The missing link seems to be how to get him to see that just because I'm in the house, doesn't mean that I am capable of doing everything on my own.
I guess that's a plausible explanation, but it's still not an excuse. Besides, he's lived with you and CKD/dialysis long enough to see with his own eyes how you are struggling, and you have TOLD him that you need help. A lot of husbands don't understand how much work it takes to keep a house from descending into chaos, but you have explained it and have asked him for assistance. He is choosing to ignore the situation. AND he is choosing to belittle you for even asking. It's one thing to not understand, but it's another entirely to REFUSE to listen AND to make you feel bad for trying to enlist his help.
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obviously he can't step into your shoes long enough to empathize let alone get any work done. Wish I had a magic pill you could slip him to make him help.
Sorry you're going through this.
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I remember years ago, my mom had the issues w/my sisters. They did nothing around the house to help her. I was very little at the time, so I did my share.
My mom started with doing the laundry and leaving it downstairs in the basement for them to carry up. then when they only carried up what they needed for the day, and left the rest; she opted to stop doing laundry. When they got ready for school or a date, and realized they had no clean clothes, things soon changed.
I must say, that I have it lucky. My G/F of 12 years now, does 95 percent of the cooking and cleaning and the laundry. I go to work full time, do Dialysis, take care of all the bills, and the cars. I do some of the cooking and cleaning, because I enjoy it, and I get a day off from work, so I think she should also.
Good luck. Unfortunately, I see an uphill battle for you. Doesn't sound like he is willing to change. :Kit n Stik;
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I think a lot of DH's issues stem from his childhood. He was born with hydrocephalis and not expected to live through infancy. So his parents coddled him throughout life. He was never expected to do anything around the house. Unfortunately, he's never lived on his own (went right from mommy to me) and so I don't think he really understands what it takes to keep a household running. On the rare occasions when I have been in the hospital, he seems to be able to step up and at least keep the dog from starving so I'm sure he has it in him to take on other responsibilities as well. The missing link seems to be how to get him to see that just because I'm in the house, doesn't mean that I am capable of doing everything on my own.
While reading all of the posts above, I was wondering if this behavior was something that started concurrently with your ESRD and dialysis or whether this was "normal" behavior (for him) all along and you just dealt with it better in the past. The paragraph above seems to answer that: it's a long term behavioral issue. I don't think nagging or emotional manipulation or "letting things go" (not saying you're doing those) is going to fix this problem. More than likely such actions will just make things worse and you will break before he does.
Based on your description his behavior seems selfish and immature. I have a soon-to-be-ex son-in-law who is like this and my daughter has finally decided he's never going to grow up. She begged him to go to counseling and even moved to South Korea only because he promised to do so (he's in the US Army). She got there and he kept coming up with reasons to avoid counseling. So she's leaving him before she wastes any more years trying to change him.
When you were healthy your husband's behavior may have been a mere annoyance and you put up with it for other reasons. I think it's going to be impossible to change his behavior by yourself--he is comfortable with his role as is and change isn't likely to come from self-motivation if there's been no movement in that direction so far. I can't say that leaving him is the right solution for YOU. But I do know that dialysis makes it impossible to do everything I used to do. I've had to make choices about what's important and what isn't. Fortunately, my wife has been very supportive but she still seems perplexed that some chores I used to do just go undone because I can't do it all anymore.
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Well, if you shoot him now, there's health care in prison.
Of course, if you'd have shot him when you first wanted to, you'd probably be out by now....
What I get out of the chore list is that he takes care of the cars. Period. The yard work is done by the kid, so he doesn't even have lawn duty. Frankly, I'm finding this an insane division of labor even if you were healthy.
The only suggestion that comes to mind for this is a variation on what he has suggested - getting your friends to come help. Only, don't get the girlfriends to do it. Get them to convince their husbands or boyfriends to help. Alone. Without the girlfriends. And do it while he is there. Hubby can be told "Sue promised to come cook us a scrumptious dinner while I'm hooked up," and then her husband can be the one who shows up to fill in when she's "indisposed". Maybe having male friends do his laundry, vacuum his floors and cook a dinner might: A. Make him realize that it's normal for men to do "indoor" chores, and B. Shame him into doing it himself!
You and girlfriends would have to plot this out a bit, and figure out which men in their lives can set the right examples and will play along well. (Who, of course, will need to be praised for their efforts at their own house - ego stroking is always a good thing when you need a favor. "Cattlekid's hubby never helps like you do at our place. We're trying this to make him see that it's normal and right for men to help. We want him to be more like you.") I think men who do help at home (and there are plenty of them who aren't stuck in the 50's!) would be happy to poke a bit of fun at your hubby and maybe make him see the light.
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I don't think he realizes what it takes to run a home - if he is otherwise not selfish and a good husband ! It reminds me of a woman I once read about who was fed up with her husband asking what she had been doing all day . One day she did nothing - no laundry , no cleaning , no cooking - NOTHING ! He came home to a messy house , unmade beds and no dinner and demanded to know what had happened . She replied that he was always asking what she did all day so today she didn't do it !
Maybe a little strike and some inconvenience would be worth a try .
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Cattlekid,
This infurates me to no end! I feel sick & nausea at reading this! So lets just baby him and let him have his way! I do like Ylguys suggestion. Visual is a man thing whereas women are emotions!
It does not sound like he does much at all around the house. I would make a list of chores that need to be done and sit down with him. Have a piece of paper with your name on 1 side and his on the other. Sit down with him and try and split up the chores. If he sees that everything is on your side and nothing is on his he may come around and take some of the chores. Some people are visual and need to see on paper that things are unfair. If you can get him to even take a little more on it would be a start.
The only thing that Im concerned about is YOU. To heck with him, and just do what you need to do for yourself. Stop all this craziness and stand up for yourself by taking care of YOU. God knows, he isnt going to do anything.
I also thought that from his perspective, maybe he hates this dialysis as much as you, but then again, he was always this way and you just overlooked him before ESRD. I don't know, but try YLGuys suggestion, who knows it may just work.
Here my husband is limited, and it drives him nuts that he can't help out more. Its okay though, he has done alot more than what I thought he could do and that is a Blessing. But My husband is Not yours.
If it werent for your current situation: I would definately tell him to get lost!!!!! Its an awful thing to watch your loved one's suffer, but to sit and enjoy and inflick quilt while they are hurting, is just plain cruel! He will answer for his Behavior one day, I can assure you of that!
God Bless You Cattlekid, you are in my prayers. I pray that God intervene on your behalf. Be strong, and just forget him. Act like he doesnt exist! Your his Wife for Gods sake, not his Mother!
Keep us posted. I think a change will be made soon, and it will be done by you. If not, you are going to collapse my dear. Please do not let it get to that point, you deserve better!
lmunchkin :kickstart;
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Sounds like your husband doesn't understand the full impact that having kidney problems have on a persons life like most people. It's time for him to wake up and take his head out of his :sir ken; . You should stop doing his clothes and stop cooking for him and stick to it. If he asks why tell him if he still doesn't understand try counseling and if he still doesn't understand that get rid of him. I have heard of people staying at home for treatmentS alone explain situation to doctors or don't its not like they really need to know or try PD. I hope everything works out best wishes.
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sounds like he was taking advantage of you long before,always amazes me that women stay with jerks and many nice guys are alone.
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Aint it the truth!!
sounds like he was taking advantage of you long before,always amazes me that women stay with jerks and many nice guys are alone.
But sometimes I see it more Mikes way!
It's time for him to wake up and take his head out of his :sir ken; . You should stop doing his clothes and stop cooking for him and stick to it. If he asks why tell him if he still doesn't understand try counseling and if he still doesn't understand that get rid of him. I have heard of people staying at home for treatmentS alone explain situation to doctors or don't its not like they really need to know or try PD. I hope everything works out best wishes.
Praying you get this worked out Kid.
lmunchkin :kickstart;
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Willis' post has a lot of good points, and it makes me wonder if your husband is subliminally punishing you for getting sick, thereby putting him into the uncomfortable position of having to step up, and THAT makes me wonder if deep inside, he resents your illness.
This is not the way to treat someone you love. Frankly, it kinda creeps me out.
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Has anyone read the Five Love Letters? I think that's the name. It talks about the different ways that people show love to each other. We are so mismatched on the Love Letters that it is almost comical. DH shows love in physical ways (hugs, kisses, etc) but for me, I show love by doing the dishes. The whole problem is that doing the laundry doesn't fulfill DH's needs and hugs don't fulfill mine. We've been to counseling over this and it hasn't really helped.
I did have a short conversation with DH tonight about this topic. I am not feeling so well tonight and he noticed. He asked if I needed a hug and I accepted. I then told him that while hugs are nice, hugs don't fold the laundry and I told him that I am worried about how the house will hold up after my transplant. He joked and told me that either my mom or dad will have to move in. He doesn't care for my parents much so I think he realizes he has to step up or that's exactly what will happen.
We'll see how things progress.
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do you have any mutual male friends that you could talk to about this, and the ask them to talk to him? if another guy points out to him that this behaviour and lack of help is selfish, he may just get the message. if you decide to kick him out, why does your dialysis unit need to know? after all, he doesn't do anything anyway?
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Bring it to brass tacks.
Tell him that he can step up and give you a hand now, talking some of these chores off your hands or he can be doing all of them himself for the rest of his life when you drop dead from fatigue. Or maybe he will have to get a second job while you quit your job so you can handle all the house work. Even if it means selling the house and moving into an apartment. So what does he want to do?
No one can do it all forever, even if they are healthy...he's a complete jerk to expect you to while sick.
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Something needs to be figured out before having a transplant. You will need help after that, especially with cleaning. What would happen if you were upfront about why you need to be out with your friends? Have you left any materials or books around in plain site about renal failure and dialysis? Only other thing I can think of is to drag him to a meet where other people discuss dialysis. Only one I can think of happens once a year from the NKFI in Chicago.
Tough problem with no easy answers.
The one thing I did, but not always on purpose was to do nothing around the house and sleep, also fake sleep too and be moody when asked an irritating question. ;D
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Make a copy of these responses and show to your husband. Let him know he needs to change...now. Either he starts to pitch in or you are going to hire a cleaning service to come in once a week. Personally speaking, it sounds like your husband wanted to marry a mother figure - someone who would continue to allow him to shirk responsibility with hugs and kisses as reward enough. Your health will not allow you to continue accepting this behavior. The man needs to grow up. If possible, I strongly suggest going back into marriage counseling.
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Wow, and I thought my husband was bad. We have had the "I can't do this all by my self" talk more than once. I think what made him decide to do something ( anything) was me having to sit down and rest after doing something strenuous ( like makeing the bed )And maybe my falling asleep in my chair every single night woke him up. But he does now do both of his chores without prompting or nagging, usually, so I need to add one more at a time until he carries his fair share.I wish you the best of luck on this, and maybe when you get your tx he will see the light and pitch in and help.
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Back in the old days of Ms Magazine there were some great articles having to do with sharing chores. I remember a couple of the hints even after all this time: Be sure you haven't undermined any attempt he's made to do a chore. For example, if he does dishes, you don't want to criticize him for his methods ("the glasses have to be stored upside down", etc). However he does it, that's his way and it's fine. Be sure chores really need to get done. There are people out there who don't fold laundry, for example. Maybe your standards have to be lowered. I have a nephew with hydrocephalus and I do believe he's lived his life waiting to die and he's over 30 now. Relatives say he is a slob, never picking up after himself and not making a very good guest. With a failed marriage behind him I wonder if some people who have a chronic illness from childhood don't grow up. Your DH may feel that you're not the only one with a serious chronic illness. Still doesn't give him any points for not carrying his load though. And maybe, like some posters have pointed out, this isn't really about chores. Your time seems to be spent very fairly. Does he have friends? His remark about your friends makes me wonder if he's jealous of the time you spend with them. He cares enough for you to be affectionate and to spend time with you while you're dialyzing, but he really needs to understand that he needs to do his part. Best of luck!
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Well, after last night's conversation DH made dinner tonight, cleaned up the kitchen and went to the hardware store to replace the burned out lightbulb over the stove. I also noticed he already took out the recycling for tomorrow.
Not saying he's out of the doghouse yet, but at least there is a little improvement,
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Well, after last night's conversation DH made dinner tonight, cleaned up the kitchen and went to the hardware store to replace the burned out lightbulb over the stove. I also noticed he already took out the recycling for tomorrow.
Not saying he's out of the doghouse yet, but at least there is a little improvement,
This makes me very very happy. Thank you for posting this. Your situation has been on my mind for two days now, and I've been really bothered by it all. I'm very glad that there is some improvement. Well done Mr. Cattlekid!
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Well, after last night's conversation DH made dinner tonight, cleaned up the kitchen and went to the hardware store to replace the burned out lightbulb over the stove. I also noticed he already took out the recycling for tomorrow.
Not saying he's out of the doghouse yet, but at least there is a little improvement,
That's a good start, ck! Long may it continue.
I have to admit that I do everything around the house, except the filling of the dishwasher and the occasional making of cups of tea. But I was born sixty years too late (definitely not a feminist, me). I worry that if I ever get ill (or die) Blokey will struggle to do anything around the house; he doesn't even know how to use the washing machine. My thing is that I don't let him actually do anything (because he wouldn't do it to my standards) so it's all my fault anyway ... In complete contrast to your situation though, I really don't mind doing it all because Blokey works hard despite having f'd up kidneys and he buys me expensive pressies. *grin*
Still, if I was the one who was on dialysis I would lower my standards and expect him to do his fair share. I hope he would, but I'm hoping I never have to find out.
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I'm coming back as a man next time.
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Biilybags - instead of coming back as man next time - ask God to give your hubby the experiece of kidney failure and birth - and see how he likes it. :rofl; Grumpy
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Biilybags - instead of coming back as man next time - ask God to give your hubby the experiece of kidney failure and birth - and see how he likes it. :rofl; Grumpy
Billybags is the caregiver for her husband who has ESRD. If I remember right, he does PD at home.
KarenInWA
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KarenInWA, Yes you are spot on, I am the care giver. Some days I care, some days I don't, only joking. He actually emptied the kitchen waste bin the other day. I spoil him, but he is worth it.
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I don't mean to be contentscious here, but caregiver for PD? this seems to be a term that has crept in since NxStage which does require a giver. unless someone is old, frail or hasoncapacities that prevent them doing their own care, PD does not need a caregiver. my husband knew absolutely nothing about PD and never provided care. we weren't trained to expect care, and I certainly didn't get it.
actually even now, doing NxStage, caregiver is a nominal term since I do everything myself except for hanging bags, and once I get on Pureflow, I anticipate doing the whole kaboole myself.
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Amanda, I'm talking about NxStage. I agree, with pureflow, I do everything related to the treatments on my own. But I feel like since I am doing all the treatment related stuff, it would be the least that DH could do to take care of chores and laundry while I am dialyzing instead of just sitting on his behind.
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And so you should. That's not the specific task of a caregiver though, that's the task of a husband, and a partner. Ill, sick, of disabled that's what I would, and do expect.
good luck, and love Cas
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If PD does not require a care giver I don't know what I have been doing for the last nine months ! Well done Mr Cattlekid !!!
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I'm coming back as a man next time.
Men do have it made it seems. But I think we women do too much for our men, you think?
I don't mean to be contentscious here, but caregiver for PD? this seems to be a term that has crept in since NxStage which does require a giver. unless someone is old, frail or hasoncapacities that prevent them doing their own care, PD does not need a caregiver. my husband knew absolutely nothing about PD and never provided care. we weren't trained to expect care, and I certainly didn't get it.
actually even now, doing NxStage, caregiver is a nominal term since I do everything myself except for hanging bags, and once I get on Pureflow, I anticipate doing the whole kaboole myself.
You are exceptional, Amanda. Admire how you take a bull by its horns and fight it with all you got. But PD does actually require a person there when training as does NxStage. But having done both, I totally see the need when doing NxStage than the PD. It would be very hard for the dialysor to do it all. But as I stated, you are exceptional!
Kuddos to your man Kid, I pray he does more to even things out for you!
God Bless,
lmunchkin :kickstart;
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Im not trying to be judgemental here but he sounds a little self centered. My opinion....even if you were not on dialysis I would say the same thing. You do too much. But with you being on dialysis I am frankly appalled. Its lovely that he is affectionate. I happen to love that in a guy but that doesnt make him any more considerate. And thats what it comes down to. You should not have to harp at him. He is a grown man with intelligence so it should be obvious that he should do more, dialysis or not. As for being spoiled as a child because he was ill, well he should give you the same love and extra care he got from his family...this tells me he should definitely know he is treating you badly.
Hugs to you cattlekid and keep at him. It isnt fair and he surely knows it. Affection and hugs show love surely but being helpful and considerate to make your life easier and less exhausting because yoou are ill is another way to show love. And you surely deserve it. Especially since you have been spoiling him DESPITE being ill. Tellhim to think about that. Better yet, ask how he would like to be sick and have to do all that you do.
Sorry about the soap box rant hon but this truly bothered me. Alot. Hugs...
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Amanda, I'm talking about NxStage. I agree, with pureflow, I do everything related to the treatments on my own. But I feel like since I am doing all the treatment related stuff, it would be the least that DH could do to take care of chores and laundry while I am dialyzing instead of just sitting on his behind.
Make a list, stick it on the refrigerator. When you're setting up tell him, "I would love to have your help. While I am on the machine, could you try and tackle a few things on the list on the refrigerator? Thanks."
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Cattlekid, my comment was not directed at you since I know that you are on NxStage. Billybags mentioned about having a caregiver for PD, ad have people on other threads. LMunchkin, I am not exceptional. I first did PD twenty years in the UK. my husband was not trained to be my caregiver, and I never had any expectation that he would be. when I did it again starting nine years ago, Again, I had no expectation of needing a caregiver. anything that he does around the house has got nothing to do with the fact that I am on dialysis, just the fact that these are shared things that we do because we share the same house.
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I do count my self as a care giver. My husband has been on PD for 3 years, he does manage with my help to set his machine up, he can not lift the heavy bags or empty the fluid in a morning. He has had two heart attacks in the last two years which has left him with a badly damaged heart. He can not walk very far, only down the hall. He can not breath properly because his lung keeps filling up with fluid. YES, I DO CLASS MY SELF AS A CARE GIVER. With out me he could not manage every day things. :Kit n Stik;
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do you have any mutual male friends that you could talk to about this, and the ask them to talk to him? if another guy points out to him that this behaviour and lack of help is selfish, he may just get the message. if you decide to kick him out, why does your dialysis unit need to know? after all, he doesn't do anything anyway?
This may be well intentioned advice but don't do this, ever. You're much better off agreeing to a set of chores you're each responsible for,and making a list that you both take part in creating. If he doesn't see doing laundry as an act of love the way that you do you're not going to somehow change his mind by spilling personal business to friends. That's just going to piss him off. If you want him to act like an adult then treat him like one. Best of luck.
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Cattlekid, my comment was not directed at you since I know that you are on NxStage. Billybags mentioned about having a caregiver for PD, ad have people on other threads. LMunchkin, I am not exceptional. I first did PD twenty years in the UK. my husband was not trained to be my caregiver, and I never had any expectation that he would be. when I did it again starting nine years ago, Again, I had no expectation of needing a caregiver. anything that he does around the house has got nothing to do with the fact that I am on dialysis, just the fact that these are shared things that we do because we share the same house.
Ok Amanda, You are not exceptional! My Bad. You don't need anyones help obviously, as you do it all on your own and for such a long time. I will keep my comments to myself since I have no clue what you are going through. Sorry!
I do count my self as a care giver. My husband has been on PD for 3 years, he does manage with my help to set his machine up, he can not lift the heavy bags or empty the fluid in a morning. He has had two heart attacks in the last two years which has left him with a badly damaged heart. He can not walk very far, only down the hall. He can not breath properly because his lung keeps filling up with fluid. YES, I DO CLASS MY SELF AS A CARE GIVER. With out me he could not manage every day things. :Kit n Stik;
Yes BB, I agree, you are a Care Giver. I was one too for John when he did PD also. I know and I understand where YOU are coming from here. That I can attest to!
God Bless,
lmunchkin :kickstart;
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Hi Cattlekid, I really hope hubby didn't just make an effort for a few days then fall back to old habits. I'm not saying you should expect him to be a changed man overnight but to take up more of a role like he should as a *partner* to help out and keep it going at a consistent rule would be really good. I hope so anyway!
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Sorry Richard, I wish that was the case. I am getting more fed up by the day. Today was a perfect example, we were supposed to go to a pig roast at a local bar. DH got there first as it was sponsored by his men's club as a fundraiser and he wanted to help with setup, etc. When I got there the place was packed, there was no place to sit much less eat. I was extra-tired on my way over but went anyhow as I hadn't seen our friends in the club in a while.
When I arrived, I must have looked tired as DH asked if I was okay. I said that I was extra-tired and wanted to sit down. He made NO EFFORT to find me a place to sit, much less get me a plate or something to drink. I'm not Susie Special Snowflake and normally I can fend for myself but if I TELL YOU I'm tired, don't you think you would at least make a half-assed effort to make me more comfortable?
I'm torn between continuing to do everything for myself or go on general strike. No one, husband, family or friends seems to understand that I am tired and I can't do everything I normally do. They all just seem to go on their merry way and leave me in the dust. I'm happier spending time with my 86-year-old grandmother because at least we move at the same speed.
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Sorry to hear you are being neglected, both physically and emotionally. That's crappy. I understand, cause my hubby gets in those moods and ignores me and every thing that needs to be done.
Its like they can walk away from this illness, but we cant, it is in our bodies and we are stuck with it, 24-7.That sucks!
I have been on strike before, and it did work. I would do my own dishes, Cook only what I wanted to eat, eat when I wanted to ( not wait for anyone else) shop only for what I needed, when I needed it. Say no to going places if I was not up to it. Do my own laundry only.
I have learned over the years to become self centered and selfish and I do not feel guilty anymore about that. No one notices or thinks that I am selfish and I get my needs met, rest when needed go where I want, when I want, with whoever I want. I also have a cleaning person come everyother week to clean the bathroom and the floors of the house, costs me $40. ( costs my husband as far as I am concerned ).
So yes we can be independent with a chronic illness.
And when I need to feel my husbands arms around me I sit next to him and cuddle.
And when I really need his help, if I am in the hospital or having a hard time or bad day physically. I tell him that I really, really need his help at this moment. ( sometimes he will try to ignore me, then I call someone else. Or he will say " What do you want me to do about it" then I will tell him what I need him to do or I respond by saying " What do you expect me to do about it by myself" )
This illness is a daily battle for us and our caretakers.
Hope these tips help, for they have helped both of us.
Take care!
Olivia
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Man Kid & Olivia, I'd like to think if our (John & I) roles were reversed, that he would move Heaven & Earth for me. Now Im beginning to wonder. Olivia, I like the way you think! You have nothing to feel quilty about. Kid, maybe striking is your answer! Just take care of yourself and forget trying to count on other people. If you take care of your needs only, I think things will be noticed by your husband and others. Sounds to me that they only have their best interest in mind! Well, two can play that game, right? Stop doing their chores, and I just bet, it will be noticed!
God Bless,
lmunchkin :kickstart;