Care partner doesn't care....

[cattlekid]

Has anyone read the Five Love Letters? I think that's the name. It talks about the different ways that people show love to each other. We are so mismatched on the Love Letters that it is almost comical. DH shows love in physical ways (hugs, kisses, etc) but for me, I show love by doing the dishes. The whole problem is that doing the laundry doesn't fulfill DH's needs and hugs don't fulfill mine. We've been to counseling over this and it hasn't really helped.

I did have a short conversation with DH tonight about this topic. I am not feeling so well tonight and he noticed. He asked if I needed a hug and I accepted. I then told him that while hugs are nice, hugs don't fold the laundry and I told him that I am worried about how the house will hold up after my transplant. He joked and told me that either my mom or dad will have to move in. He doesn't care for my parents much so I think he realizes he has to step up or that's exactly what will happen.

We'll see how things progress.

[amanda100wilson]

do you have any mutual male friends that you could talk to about this, and the ask them to talk to him?  if another guy points out to him that this behaviour and lack of help is selfish, he may just get the message.  if you decide to kick him out, why does your dialysis unit need to know?  after all, he doesn't do anything anyway?

[The Lady]

Bring it to brass tacks.

Tell him that he can step up and give you a hand now, talking some of these chores off your hands or he can be doing all of them himself for the rest of his life when you drop dead from fatigue. Or maybe he will have to get a second job while you quit your job so you can handle all the house work. Even if it means selling the house and moving into an apartment. So what does he want to do?

No one can do it all forever, even if they are healthy...he's a complete jerk to expect you to while sick.

[Chris]

Something needs to be figured out before having a transplant. You will need help after that, especially with cleaning. What would happen if you were upfront about why you need to be out with your friends? Have you left any materials or books around in plain site about renal failure and dialysis? Only other thing I can think of is to drag him to a meet where other people discuss dialysis. Only one I can think of happens once a year from the NKFI in Chicago.
 
Tough problem with no easy answers.
 
The one thing I did, but not always on purpose was to do nothing around the house and sleep, also fake sleep too and be moody when asked an irritating question.

[PatDowns]

Make a copy of these responses and show to your husband.  Let him know he needs to change...now.  Either he starts to pitch in or you are going to hire a cleaning service to come in once a week.   Personally speaking, it sounds like your husband wanted to marry a mother figure - someone who would continue to allow him to shirk responsibility with hugs and kisses as reward enough.  Your health will not allow you to continue accepting this behavior.  The man needs to grow up.   If possible, I strongly suggest going back into marriage counseling.

[Jean]

Wow, and I thought my husband was bad. We have had the "I can't do this all by my self" talk more than once. I think what made him decide to do something ( anything) was me having to sit down and rest after doing something strenuous ( like makeing the bed )And maybe my falling asleep in my chair every single night woke him up. But he does now do both of his chores without prompting or nagging, usually, so I need to add one more at a time until he carries his fair share.I wish you the best of luck on this, and maybe when you get your tx he will see the light and pitch in and help.

[SooMK]

Back in the old days of Ms Magazine there were some great articles having to do with sharing chores. I remember a couple of the hints even after all this time: Be sure you haven't undermined any attempt he's made to do a chore. For example, if he does dishes, you don't want to criticize him for his methods ("the glasses have to be stored upside down", etc). However he does it, that's his way and it's fine. Be sure chores really need to get done. There are people out there who don't fold laundry, for example. Maybe your standards have to be lowered. I have a nephew with hydrocephalus and I do believe he's lived his life waiting to die and he's over 30 now. Relatives say he is a slob, never picking up after himself and not making a very good guest. With a failed marriage behind him I wonder if some people who have a chronic illness from childhood  don't grow up. Your DH may feel that you're not the only one with a serious chronic illness. Still doesn't give him any points for not carrying his load though.  And maybe, like some posters have pointed out, this isn't really about chores. Your time seems to be spent very fairly. Does he have friends? His remark about your friends makes me wonder if he's jealous of the time you spend with them. He cares enough for you to be affectionate and to spend time with you while you're dialyzing, but he really needs to understand that he needs to do his part. Best of luck!

[cattlekid]

 Well, after last night's conversation DH made dinner tonight, cleaned up the kitchen and went to the hardware store to replace the burned out lightbulb over the stove. I also noticed he already took out the recycling for tomorrow.

Not saying he's out of the doghouse yet, but at least there is a little improvement,

[MooseMom]

Well, after last night's conversation DH made dinner tonight, cleaned up the kitchen and went to the hardware store to replace the burned out lightbulb over the stove. I also noticed he already took out the recycling for tomorrow.

Not saying he's out of the doghouse yet, but at least there is a little improvement,

This makes me very very happy.  Thank you for posting this.  Your situation has been on my mind for two days now, and I've been really bothered by it all.  I'm very glad that there is some improvement.  Well done Mr. Cattlekid!

[Poppylicious]

Well, after last night's conversation DH made dinner tonight, cleaned up the kitchen and went to the hardware store to replace the burned out lightbulb over the stove. I also noticed he already took out the recycling for tomorrow.

Not saying he's out of the doghouse yet, but at least there is a little improvement,

That's a good start, ck!  Long may it continue.

I have to admit that I do everything around the house, except the filling of the dishwasher and the occasional making of cups of tea.  But I was born sixty years too late (definitely not a feminist, me). I worry that if I ever get ill (or die) Blokey will struggle to do anything around the house; he doesn't even know how to use the washing machine.  My thing is that I don't let him actually do anything (because he wouldn't do it to my standards) so it's all my fault anyway ... In complete contrast to your situation though, I really don't mind doing it all because Blokey works hard despite having f'd up kidneys and he buys me expensive pressies. *grin*

Still, if I was the one who was on dialysis I would lower my standards and expect him to do his fair share.  I hope he would, but I'm hoping I never have to find out. 

[billybags]

I'm coming back as a man next time.

[Grumpy-1]

Biilybags - instead of coming back as man next time - ask God to give your hubby the experiece of kidney failure and birth - and see how he likes it.     Grumpy

[KarenInWA]

Biilybags - instead of coming back as man next time - ask God to give your hubby the experiece of kidney failure and birth - and see how he likes it.     Grumpy

Billybags is the caregiver for her husband who has ESRD. If I remember right, he does PD at home.

KarenInWA

[billybags]

KarenInWA, Yes you are spot on, I am the care giver. Some days I care, some days I don't, only joking. He actually emptied the kitchen waste bin the other day. I spoil him, but he is worth it.

[amanda100wilson]

I don't mean to be contentscious here, but caregiver for PD?  this seems to be a term that has crept in since NxStage which does require a giver.  unless someone is old, frail or hasoncapacities that prevent them doing their own care, PD does not need a caregiver.  my husband knew absolutely nothing about PD and never provided care.  we weren't trained to expect care, and I certainly didn't get it.

actually even now, doing NxStage, caregiver is a nominal term since I do everything myself except for hanging bags, and once I get on Pureflow, I anticipate doing the whole kaboole myself.

[cattlekid]

Amanda, I'm talking about NxStage. I agree, with pureflow, I do everything related to the treatments on my own. But I feel like since I am doing all the treatment related stuff, it would be the least that DH could do to take care of chores and laundry while I am dialyzing instead of just sitting on his behind.

[cassandra]

And so you should. That's not the specific task of a caregiver though, that's the task of a husband, and a partner. Ill, sick, of disabled that's what I would, and do expect.

good luck, and love Cas

[brenda seal]

If PD does not require a care giver I don't know what I have been doing for the last nine months ! Well done Mr Cattlekid !!!

[lmunchkin]

I'm coming back as a man next time.

Men do have it made it seems.  But I think we women do too much for our men, you think? 

I don't mean to be contentscious here, but caregiver for PD?  this seems to be a term that has crept in since NxStage which does require a giver.  unless someone is old, frail or hasoncapacities that prevent them doing their own care, PD does not need a caregiver.  my husband knew absolutely nothing about PD and never provided care.  we weren't trained to expect care, and I certainly didn't get it.

actually even now, doing NxStage, caregiver is a nominal term since I do everything myself except for hanging bags, and once I get on Pureflow, I anticipate doing the whole kaboole myself.

You are exceptional, Amanda. Admire how you take a bull by its horns and fight it with all you got.  But PD does actually require a person there when training as does NxStage.  But having done both, I totally see the need when doing NxStage than the PD.  It would be very hard for the dialysor to do it all.  But as I stated, you are exceptional!

Kuddos to your man Kid, I pray he does more to even things out for you!

God Bless,
lmunchkin

[Leanne]

Im not trying to be judgemental here but he sounds a little self centered.  My opinion....even if you were not on dialysis I would say the same thing.  You do too much.  But with you being on dialysis I am frankly appalled.  Its lovely that he is affectionate.  I happen to love that in a guy but that doesnt make him any more considerate.  And thats what it comes down to.  You should not have to harp at him.  He is a grown man with intelligence so it should be obvious that he should do more, dialysis or not.  As for being spoiled as a child because he was ill, well he should give you the same love and extra care he got from his family...this tells me he should definitely know he is treating you badly.

Hugs to you cattlekid and keep at him. It isnt fair and he surely knows it.  Affection and hugs show love surely but being helpful and considerate to make your life easier and less exhausting because yoou are ill is another way to show love.  And you surely deserve it.  Especially since you have been spoiling him DESPITE being ill.  Tellhim to think about that.  Better yet, ask how he would like to be sick and have to do all that you do.

Sorry about the soap box rant hon but this truly bothered me.  Alot.  Hugs...

[okarol]

Amanda, I'm talking about NxStage. I agree, with pureflow, I do everything related to the treatments on my own. But I feel like since I am doing all the treatment related stuff, it would be the least that DH could do to take care of chores and laundry while I am dialyzing instead of just sitting on his behind.

Make a list, stick it on the refrigerator. When you're setting up tell him, "I would love to have your help. While I am on the machine, could you try and tackle a few things on the list on the refrigerator? Thanks."

[amanda100wilson]

Cattlekid, my comment was not directed at you since I know that you are on NxStage.  Billybags mentioned about  having a caregiver for PD, ad have people on other threads.  LMunchkin, I am not exceptional.  I first did PD twenty years  in the UK.  my husband was not trained to be my caregiver, and I never had any expectation that he would be.  when I did it again starting nine years ago, Again, I had no expectation of needing a caregiver.  anything that he does around the house has got nothing to do with the fact that I am on dialysis, just the fact that these are shared things that we do because we share the same house.

[billybags]

I do count my self as a care giver. My husband has been on PD for 3 years, he does manage with my help to set his machine up, he can not lift the heavy bags or empty the fluid in a morning. He has had two heart attacks in the last two years which has left him with a badly damaged heart. He can not walk very far, only down the hall. He can not breath properly because his lung keeps filling up with fluid. YES, I DO CLASS MY SELF AS A CARE GIVER. With out me he could not manage every day things.

[ChrisEtc]

do you have any mutual male friends that you could talk to about this, and the ask them to talk to him?  if another guy points out to him that this behaviour and lack of help is selfish, he may just get the message.  if you decide to kick him out, why does your dialysis unit need to know?  after all, he doesn't do anything anyway?

This may be well intentioned advice but don't do this, ever.  You're much better off agreeing to a set of chores you're each responsible for,and making a list that you both take part in creating.  If he doesn't see doing laundry as an act of love the way that you do you're not going to somehow change his mind by spilling personal business to friends.  That's just going to piss him off.  If you want him to act like an adult then treat him like one.  Best of luck.

[lmunchkin]

Cattlekid, my comment was not directed at you since I know that you are on NxStage.  Billybags mentioned about  having a caregiver for PD, ad have people on other threads.  LMunchkin, I am not exceptional.  I first did PD twenty years  in the UK.  my husband was not trained to be my caregiver, and I never had any expectation that he would be.  when I did it again starting nine years ago, Again, I had no expectation of needing a caregiver.  anything that he does around the house has got nothing to do with the fact that I am on dialysis, just the fact that these are shared things that we do because we share the same house.

Ok Amanda, You are not exceptional!  My Bad.  You don't need anyones help obviously, as you do it all on your own and for such a long time. I will keep my comments to myself since I have no clue what you are going through. Sorry!

I do count my self as a care giver. My husband has been on PD for 3 years, he does manage with my help to set his machine up, he can not lift the heavy bags or empty the fluid in a morning. He has had two heart attacks in the last two years which has left him with a badly damaged heart. He can not walk very far, only down the hall. He can not breath properly because his lung keeps filling up with fluid. YES, I DO CLASS MY SELF AS A CARE GIVER. With out me he could not manage every day things.

Yes BB, I agree, you are a Care Giver.  I was one too for John when he did PD also.  I know and I understand where YOU are coming from here.  That I can attest to!

God Bless,
lmunchkin