Care partner doesn't care....

[cattlekid]

I have had it up to here and beyond with my husband.  He is supposed to be my “care partner” … that is laughable.  I work full time and have been doing short daily home hemo since December of last year.  I do everything related to my treatments:  setup, cannulation, charting, pull my own needles and teardown.  I also do supply inventory, ordering and rotation.  He does not accompany me to clinic visits or nephrologist visits.

Along with all of that, I am also responsible for cleaning the house, cooking all meals, doing all of the laundry and keeping the checkbooks balanced and bills paid.  I’ve given up on the outside chores as we have a teenager who cuts the grass and rakes the leaves. 

I’ve asked for help a million times and I’ve been stonewalled.  He can’t or won’t understand that I get exhausted after just a few minutes of any type of manual labor. Carrying the laundry basket from the basement up to the bedroom requires five minutes of rest afterwards.  If I ask him to do anything, all I get is eye rolling and complaints that I should get my friends to come over and help.   

I’m at my wits end….hiring more help is outside our budget.  I can’t reduce my hours or quit work or we would lose our house.  Family is not nearby to help either. 

Any ideas? 

[Deanne]

It sounds awful! Is marriage counseling an option?

Keep in mind that I'm single / haven't had to deal with this..... I'd stop doing anything for him. Feed yourself, but stop preparing his meals. Stop doing his laundry. Sit him down to talk to him about what your limits are and don't back down. Then when he "forgets" later to do what you've agreed together that he'll do, it just doesn't get done. Even when it drives you crazy when he doesn't hold up his end of the deal, don't do it yourself! If he still doesn't respond and show you some respect, I'd think about leaving or kicking him out. If the house is too much to handle, have you considered selling it? If he isn't going to help, you might be happier in an apartment, with or without him.

[cattlekid]

Hello Deanne,

Marriage counseling would be hard to fit into the schedule right now.  Unfortunately, that’s the downside to short daily home hemo and working full time.  It’s wonderful that it is at home, but it makes scheduling anything in the evenings pretty tough. 

I’ve tried the tactic of not doing anything other than my stuff as well.  He literally will pout like a two year old, which makes me mental and then I cave in.  Then he complains that I spend my “good time” with my friends.  BTW, that’s just two to three hours a week on average, which I feel I deserve otherwise my life would be nothing but dialysis and work.

I am on the transplant list and have had one call already so I don’t want to do anything drastic like leaving as I know this is not forever. 

I’m thinking I may have to resort to Kit’s stick….

[YLGuy]

It does not sound like he does much at all around the house.  I would make a list of chores that need to be done and sit down with him.  Have a piece of paper with your name on 1 side and his on the other.  Sit down with him and try and split up the chores.  If he sees that everything is on your side and nothing is on his he may come around and take some of the chores.  Some people are visual and need to see on paper that things are unfair.  If you can get him to even take a little more on it would be a start. 

I am a single dad and unfortunately have to do everything myself. I do in center hemo while the kids are in school.  If I had a healthy spouse not doing anything I would be very upset as well.

[Rain]

Make a list of chores and who should do what.   If  he doesn't do his list of chores don't do anything eventually he will notice.   When my boyfriend first moved in the only chores he had was dishes duty.   Over the years he has taken on more stuff as I felt like I needed more time to myself and i was tired.  So now he makes the bed every day, take out the recycling, and takes out the garbage daily.  He is also responsible for his own laundry. 
He is also responsible for doing all the handyman and tech stuff around like changing light bulbs and software updates on our computers.

What are his chores or responsibilities at home?

[Fatkidney]

I say kick him out.  It will probably wake him up and make him see that you are serious.  Tell him that you need support and if he can't give it to you you're better off without him.  I think sometimes partners just don't get it.  You have to do something drastic to actually get their attention.  It would probably at least lead to a conversation about your needs and his real thoughts on the matter. 

Just stopping doing anything for him is passive aggressive.  It won't solve anything, will just make the atmosphere that much more bitter and you more frustrated.

[cattlekid]

He has none, other than keeping the cars maintained.  Indoor chores fall to me.  Normally, this has never been an issue but with the daily home hemo, time has become of the essence. 

What are his chores or responsibilities at home?

[cattlekid]

Unfortunately, I cannot kick him out for as far as my clinic is concerned, he is my care partner.  I have to have a care partner as they will not allow me to dialyze alone.  Going back in center is a fate that I could not deal with. 

I read all of these other posts about care partners who do everything and sorely wish for a happy medium.

I say kick him out.  It will probably wake him up and make him see that you are serious.  Tell him that you need support and if he can't give it to you you're better off without him.  I think sometimes partners just don't get it.  You have to do something drastic to actually get their attention.  It would probably at least lead to a conversation about your needs and his real thoughts on the matter. 

Just stopping doing anything for him is passive aggressive.  It won't solve anything, will just make the atmosphere that much more bitter and you more frustrated.

[Sydnee]

Everyone else has tired to hit on the divide up the chores thing.

There is one thing I notice you said,

Then he complains that I spend my “good time” with my friends.  BTW, that’s just two to three hours a week on average, which I feel I deserve otherwise my life would be nothing but dialysis and work.

Do you spend any "good time" with him? Do you do any of the things you and he liked doing pre-dialysis? It could be he misses the way it used to be. (I'm not defending him)

Have you actually sat down and told him how you are feeling? And that you would really like him to come to appointments, and help with this or that around the house? without accusing or yelling at him.
I wish I could offer a foolproof idea. It sounds like you have been trying to settle this with him for a while now. Look at it from his angle and maybe that will give you the help you need to convince him to help you. 

[cattlekid]

Here’s how an average week works out:

Monday – work/dialysis
Tuesday -  work/dialysis
Wednesday – work, dinner with friends every other Wed.
Thursday – work/dialysis
Friday – work/dialysis
Saturday – breakfast with friends, dialysis, dinner and something fun with DH
Sunday – breakfast out with DH, chores and errands, relax in evening to gear up for week

I am trying to get DH to understand that if we take the “chores and errands” and get them done during the week, there would be more time on Sundays to do whatever he would like to do.  Normally, he splits after breakfast and goes to do something fun and leaves me at home to do the rest.  If he’s upset that I don’t go with him for these ventures, then he’s going to have to pick up the slack during the week.  I’ve tried asking nicely for help but it turns into him getting defensive and accusing me of being lazy, which in turn infuriates me and then things escalate and we both end up being pissed off.

Everyone else has tired to hit on the divide up the chores thing.

There is one thing I notice you said,

Then he complains that I spend my “good time” with my friends.  BTW, that’s just two to three hours a week on average, which I feel I deserve otherwise my life would be nothing but dialysis and work.

Do you spend any "good time" with him? Do you do any of the things you and he liked doing pre-dialysis? It could be he misses the way it used to be. (I'm not defending him)

Have you actually sat down and told him how you are feeling? And that you would really like him to come to appointments, and help with this or that around the house? without accusing or yelling at him.
I wish I could offer a foolproof idea. It sounds like you have been trying to settle this with him for a while now. Look at it from his angle and maybe that will give you the help you need to convince him to help you. 

[KarenInWA]

How can you be "lazy" when you're the one who's doing everything??? I speak as a single woman who knows that I will probably spend my entire life as a single woman. I know I do not have the patience for such childishness coming from a "grown" "man". I'm sorry, cattlekid, but your husband is NOT a man! A "real" man would be concerned about his wife's well being, and help out in any and every way that he can. The only excuse he can use to NOT help around the house is illness or injury. Does he not realize that you're ill??? Seriously?

I think your husband lives in his own little world, probably from 60+ years ago, the one where women are supposed to do everything around the house while he sits on his A$$ and grows a belly. I'm sorry, but "Mr" cattlekid, give me a freakin' break. Grow a pair and BE A MAN ALREADY!!!!!!

KarenInWA

[jeannea]

I'm sending you lots of sympathy. 

Unfortunately I don't have great advice. I'm not married. From my perspective I'd want to kick his ass. Can he hire a maid for you? He sounds spoiled and immature to me. Jerk.

[MooseMom]

What does he do while you're dialyzing?  Seems like it would be the perfect time for him to do the after dinner washing up or to throw in a load of laundry.

I cannot believe that he actually suggested that you ask your friends to come over and help you with the domestic chores in HIS own home.  I choked on my lunch when I read that.

I've met you, and I know that you are not the kind of person who would take any crap from anyone.  I know that you address every problem that comes your way, and you seem to have tried everything to get your husband to help out, but he just won't.  He seems to have dug his feet in, and frankly, I suspect that if by now he hasn't gotten the message, he never will.  I think he may very well be a lost cause.

What really worries me is that he seems to be the kind of person who deflects and makes you the culprit.  That he gets defensive whenever you ask for help makes me think that he is trying to manipulate you into feeling that all of this is somehow your fault, thereby absolving him of any responsibility whatsoever.  This is more than a debate about divvying up domestic chores.  This feels like he's instigating some sort of power struggle for some reason that I can't figure out.  But then again, maybe I'm overanalyzing it.  LOL!

How much can your teenager help with the inside chores?  I'm curious...does your teen see what his/her dad is NOT doing around the house?

[cattlekid]

Hello MM!  I knew you'd chime in eventually :-)

DH keeps me company while I am dialyzing.  Yes, it would seem that it would be the perfect time to do some laundry or other cleaning up, wouldn't it?

As far as the teenager, he's just a neighbor kid we hired to do the lawn and leaves.  Believe me, if I thought that it would work out, I'd be hiring him to do the inside chores as well.  He works cheap!   

I think a lot of DH's issues stem from his childhood.  He was born with hydrocephalis and not expected to live through infancy.  So his parents coddled him throughout life.  He was never expected to do anything around the house.  Unfortunately, he's never lived on his own (went right from mommy to me) and so I don't think he really understands what it takes to keep a household running.  On the rare occasions when I have been in the hospital, he seems to be able to step up and at least keep the dog from starving so I'm sure he has it in him to take on other responsibilities as well.  The missing link seems to be how to get him to see that just because I'm in the house, doesn't mean that I am capable of doing everything on my own.

What does he do while you're dialyzing?  Seems like it would be the perfect time for him to do the after dinner washing up or to throw in a load of laundry.

I cannot believe that he actually suggested that you ask your friends to come over and help you with the domestic chores in HIS own home.  I choked on my lunch when I read that.

I've met you, and I know that you are not the kind of person who would take any crap from anyone.  I know that you address every problem that comes your way, and you seem to have tried everything to get your husband to help out, but he just won't.  He seems to have dug his feet in, and frankly, I suspect that if by now he hasn't gotten the message, he never will.  I think he may very well be a lost cause.

What really worries me is that he seems to be the kind of person who deflects and makes you the culprit.  That he gets defensive whenever you ask for help makes me think that he is trying to manipulate you into feeling that all of this is somehow your fault, thereby absolving him of any responsibility whatsoever.  This is more than a debate about divvying up domestic chores.  This feels like he's instigating some sort of power struggle for some reason that I can't figure out.  But then again, maybe I'm overanalyzing it.  LOL!

How much can your teenager help with the inside chores?  I'm curious...does your teen see what his/her dad is NOT doing around the house?

[MooseMom]

Hello MM!  I knew you'd chime in eventually :-)

Are you saying I talk too much and can't keep my mouth shut?   

DH keeps me company while I am dialyzing.  Yes, it would seem that it would be the perfect time to do some laundry or other cleaning up, wouldn't it?

Yes, yes it would.

As far as the teenager, he's just a neighbor kid we hired to do the lawn and leaves.  Believe me, if I thought that it would work out, I'd be hiring him to do the inside chores as well.  He works cheap!   

Oh, I see.  Well, at least you have SOME help.  Those outdoor chores, especially now in the autumn, can really be time consuming.

I think a lot of DH's issues stem from his childhood.  He was born with hydrocephalis and not expected to live through infancy.  So his parents coddled him throughout life.  He was never expected to do anything around the house.  Unfortunately, he's never lived on his own (went right from mommy to me) and so I don't think he really understands what it takes to keep a household running.  On the rare occasions when I have been in the hospital, he seems to be able to step up and at least keep the dog from starving so I'm sure he has it in him to take on other responsibilities as well.  The missing link seems to be how to get him to see that just because I'm in the house, doesn't mean that I am capable of doing everything on my own.

I guess that's a plausible explanation, but it's still not an excuse.  Besides, he's lived with you and CKD/dialysis long enough to see with his own eyes how you are struggling, and you have TOLD him that you need help.  A lot of husbands don't understand how much work it takes to keep a house from descending into chaos, but you have explained it and have asked him for assistance.  He is choosing to ignore the situation.  AND he is choosing to belittle you for even asking.  It's one thing to not understand, but it's another entirely to REFUSE to listen AND to make you feel bad for trying to enlist his help.

[Sydnee]

obviously he can't step into your shoes long enough to empathize let alone get any work done. Wish I had a magic pill you could slip him to make him help.

Sorry you're going through this. 

[Hazmat35]

I remember years ago, my mom had the issues w/my sisters.  They did nothing around the house to help her.  I was very little at the time, so I did my share. 

My mom started with doing the laundry and leaving it downstairs in the basement for them to carry up.  then when they only carried up what they needed for the day, and left the rest; she opted to stop doing laundry.  When they got ready for school or a date, and realized they had no clean clothes, things soon changed. 

I must say, that I have it lucky.  My G/F of 12 years now, does 95 percent of the cooking and cleaning and the laundry.  I go to work full time, do Dialysis, take care of all the bills, and the cars.  I do some of the cooking and cleaning, because I enjoy it, and I get a day off from work, so I think she should also. 

Good luck.  Unfortunately, I see an uphill battle for you.  Doesn't sound like he is willing to change. 

[Willis]

I think a lot of DH's issues stem from his childhood.  He was born with hydrocephalis and not expected to live through infancy.  So his parents coddled him throughout life.  He was never expected to do anything around the house.  Unfortunately, he's never lived on his own (went right from mommy to me) and so I don't think he really understands what it takes to keep a household running.  On the rare occasions when I have been in the hospital, he seems to be able to step up and at least keep the dog from starving so I'm sure he has it in him to take on other responsibilities as well.  The missing link seems to be how to get him to see that just because I'm in the house, doesn't mean that I am capable of doing everything on my own.

While reading all of the posts above, I was wondering if this behavior was something that started concurrently with your ESRD and dialysis or whether this was "normal" behavior (for him) all along and you just dealt with it better in the past. The paragraph above seems to answer that: it's a long term behavioral issue. I don't think nagging or emotional manipulation or "letting things go" (not saying you're doing those) is going to fix this problem. More than likely such actions will just make things worse and you will break before he does.

Based on your description his behavior seems selfish and immature. I have a soon-to-be-ex son-in-law who is like this and my daughter has finally decided he's never going to grow up. She begged him to go to counseling and even moved to South Korea only because he promised to do so (he's in the US Army). She got there and he kept coming up with reasons to avoid counseling. So she's leaving him before she wastes any more years trying to change him.

When you were healthy your husband's behavior may have been a mere annoyance and you put up with it for other reasons. I think it's going to be impossible to change his behavior by yourself--he is comfortable with his role as is and change isn't likely to come from self-motivation if there's been no movement in that direction so far. I can't say that leaving him is the right solution for YOU. But I do know that dialysis makes it impossible to do everything I used to do. I've had to make choices about what's important and what isn't. Fortunately, my wife has been very supportive but she still seems perplexed that some chores I used to do just go undone because I can't do it all anymore.

 

[jbeany]

Well, if you shoot him now, there's health care in prison.

Of course, if you'd have shot him when you first wanted to, you'd probably be out by now....

What I get out of the chore list is that he takes care of the cars.  Period.  The yard work is done by the kid, so he doesn't even have lawn duty.  Frankly, I'm finding this an insane division of labor even if you were healthy.

The only suggestion that comes to mind for this is a variation on what he has suggested - getting your friends to come help.  Only, don't get the girlfriends to do it.  Get them to convince their husbands or boyfriends to help.  Alone.  Without the girlfriends.  And do it while he is there.  Hubby can be told "Sue promised to come cook us a scrumptious dinner while I'm hooked up,"  and then her husband can be the one who shows up to fill in when she's "indisposed".  Maybe having male friends do his laundry, vacuum his floors and cook a dinner might: A.  Make him realize that it's normal for men to do "indoor" chores, and B.  Shame him into doing it himself! 

You and girlfriends would have to plot this out a bit, and figure out which men in their lives can set the right examples and will play along well. (Who, of course, will need to be praised for their efforts at their own house - ego stroking is always a good thing when you need a favor.  "Cattlekid's hubby never helps like you do at our place.  We're trying this to make him see that it's normal and right for men to help.  We want him to be more like you.")  I think men who do help at home (and there are plenty of them who aren't stuck in the 50's!) would be happy to poke a bit of fun at your hubby and maybe make him see the light.

[brenda seal]

I don't think he realizes what it takes to run a home - if he is otherwise not selfish and a good husband ! It reminds me of a woman I once read about who was fed up with her husband asking what she had been doing all day . One day she did nothing - no laundry , no cleaning , no cooking  - NOTHING ! He came home to a messy house , unmade beds and no dinner and demanded to know what had happened . She replied that he was always asking what she did all day so today she didn't do it !
Maybe a little strike and some inconvenience would be worth a try .

[lmunchkin]

Cattlekid,

This infurates me to no end!  I feel sick & nausea at reading this! So lets just baby him and let him have his way! I do like Ylguys suggestion.  Visual is a man thing whereas women are emotions!

It does not sound like he does much at all around the house.  I would make a list of chores that need to be done and sit down with him.  Have a piece of paper with your name on 1 side and his on the other.  Sit down with him and try and split up the chores.  If he sees that everything is on your side and nothing is on his he may come around and take some of the chores.  Some people are visual and need to see on paper that things are unfair.  If you can get him to even take a little more on it would be a start. 

The only thing that Im concerned about is YOU. To heck with him, and just do what you need to do for yourself. Stop all this craziness and stand up for yourself by taking care of YOU.  God knows, he isnt going to do anything.

I also thought that from his perspective, maybe he hates this dialysis as much as you, but then again, he was always this way and you just overlooked him before ESRD.  I don't know, but try YLGuys suggestion, who knows it may just work.

Here my husband is limited, and it drives him nuts that he can't help out more. Its okay though, he has done alot more than what I thought he could do and that is a Blessing. But My husband is Not yours.

If it werent for your current situation: I would definately tell him to get lost!!!!! Its an awful thing to watch your loved one's suffer, but to sit and enjoy and inflick quilt while they are hurting, is just plain cruel!  He will answer for his Behavior one day, I can assure you of that!

God Bless You Cattlekid, you are in my prayers.  I pray that God intervene on your behalf.  Be strong, and just forget him.  Act like he doesnt exist! Your his Wife for Gods sake, not his Mother!

Keep us posted.  I think a change will be made soon, and it will be done by you. If not, you are going to collapse my dear.  Please do not let it get to that point, you deserve better!

lmunchkin

[MightyMike]

Sounds like your husband doesn't understand the full impact that having kidney problems have on a persons life like most people.  It's time for him to wake up and take his head out of his  .  You should stop doing his clothes and stop cooking for him and stick to it.  If he asks why tell him if he still doesn't understand try counseling and if he still doesn't understand that get rid of him.  I have heard of people staying at home for treatmentS alone explain situation to doctors or don't its not like they really need to know or try PD.  I hope everything works out best wishes.

[chinksnicky]

sounds like he was taking advantage of you long before,always amazes me that women stay with jerks and many nice guys are alone.

[lmunchkin]

Aint it the truth!!

sounds like he was taking advantage of you long before,always amazes me that women stay with jerks and many nice guys are alone.

But sometimes I see it more Mikes way!

  It's time for him to wake up and take his head out of his  .  You should stop doing his clothes and stop cooking for him and stick to it.  If he asks why tell him if he still doesn't understand try counseling and if he still doesn't understand that get rid of him.  I have heard of people staying at home for treatmentS alone explain situation to doctors or don't its not like they really need to know or try PD.  I hope everything works out best wishes.

Praying you get this worked out Kid.

lmunchkin

[MooseMom]

Willis' post has a lot of good points, and it makes me wonder if your husband is subliminally punishing you for getting sick, thereby putting him into the uncomfortable position of having to step up, and THAT makes me wonder if deep inside, he resents your illness. 

This is not the way to treat someone you love.  Frankly, it kinda creeps me out.