I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Dialysis Discussion => Dialysis: General Discussion => Topic started by: rookiegirl on November 30, 2008, 11:14:39 AM
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I know this is the place for one to :rant; about anything. Well, I really and truly need it. So please, bare with me. Here it goes:
I'm the oldest of 6 kids, our ages are (38, 36, 34, 32, 26, 25). For the last 19 years, I've kept the Holidays Tradition of opening my home to all of them. Both my husband and I slave for 2 days around Thanksgiving & Christmas to provide for the whole family. Each year after everyone leaves and go their own separate ways, I feel so un-appreciated and taken for granted. Each year I tell myself, this is it I will not do it next year. But each year I'm a sucker for continuing the tradition that I thought I was doing a huge favor for the whole family. Each year I get so depressed, angry and cry my heart out until I get a huge headache and start to feel sick. Well, I'm feeling it right now. Again I said to myself, next year I will not do it again.
The reason why I started the tradition of providing for my siblings & their family started 19 years ago when I got married and left my mother's house. My brothers/sisters where so young whom I raised myself. We didn't have a supportive loving parents. We had to fend for ourselves and I took it upon myself to help provide for my siblings. Make sure they take their baths, comb their hair, have clean clothes to wear, do their homework, make sure they are fed and have a clean house to live in. So when I got married, I wanted my siblings to have a place where they can go for the Holidays. So that is where it all started. But each passing years, I felt more and more unappreciated. No thank yous, no offers, no contribution, no nothing. Once they leave the house, I don't hear from them for 6 months to 1 year until the next gathering.
I've had enough. I don't want to do this again. Why should I? They don't care? They know I've been on dialysis for over a year and still I continue the tradition. Even though, I'm dead tired from all the shopping, cleaning, cooking and cleaning again. Not once do they offer to help. All I get from them is an email 2-3 weeks before Thanksgiving or Christmas to ask "what time is dinner this year?".
I was hospitalize 2 weeks ago for 5 days because I had peritonitis and only one of them came to see me at the hospital. The rest couldn't even pick up the phone to call me to see if I'm dead or alive.
So you see, what the HELL I'm I doing this for? They are all grown now and are very ungrateful for what I continue to do each year. I've had ENOUGH!!! No more!!!! I'm done. They are on their own. I'm sick and tired of all of them. I want to curse so bad right now and want to just scream and shake them to get a clue. I will NOT and I told my husband to hold me accountable, next year I will not do it anymore. This is the last year for the damn tradition which no one appreciate.
I can't understand life sometimes. I thought I was doing someting good but the joke is on me. I've been a fool all this time. Maybe I was doing it for me? Maybe I do the things I do to make up for what my parents didn't do for me? Maybe I'm just totally naive about life and family in general.
Now, I'm trying to determine how to break the news to all of them that I'm no longer going to open my home for the Holidays. I don't know if I should write a letter or send an email to let them know how I truly feel. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to shut them out completely. I just don't want to do all the cooking/cleaning anymore.
Sorry for the long rant. I really had to share it with someone other than my husband.
Thanks,
RG
EDITED: Moved to Proper Section - Sluff/Admin
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Send an email to all of them. Say you won't be doing it anymore, and ask who will take over. Ask them to let you know "what time dinner will be" and where to go. You've taught them well, they should surely know how to have a holiday meal... Stick to your guns, it's your turn to be taken care of... Good Luck!
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I am sorry you have gone through this. You are much more patient than I would ever have been!
I totally agree with nursewratchet ... but I think I would add that we are starting a new traditon next year.... it is called compassion... and make them all look it up :twocents;
Oh... and this is for you .... :cuddle;
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RG. You need to let them know how you feel about this but without provoking guilt. We often teach other people how to treat us by not voicing our feelings or asking for help as the need arises. They are clearly under the impression that you have enjoyed the traditions you created and although it would be nice if others returned consideration and appreciation for our efforts, often this does not happen. Taking others for granted is what often happens when people are clearly capable and do things well, making it seem easy. Resentment like yours (completely justified by the way) then grows.
Don't expect them to read your mind and know your feelings. Tell them that you have enjoyed this in the past but now you need to shift things a bit and don't hesitate to let them know that dialysis makes people feel a good number of years older and more tired than their real age. Offer to contribute to the Christmas gathering but explain that you cannot do it all. Ask who wants to do what and who is willing to host it at their place.
Martyrdom is overrated and by passing the torch you will in fact be helping them to grow up.
I'm not sure they don't care about you. I don't know them. But it could be that they see you as strong and magical, in other words, like a mother and the experience of being so well nurtured by you at holiday time causes them to revert to being children. Don't think the worst of them but do think of yourself and help them to see that life cannot always be a one way street.
:grouphug; :cuddle; :grouphug;
Get your husband to help you in asking for changes to the traditions.
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tell them the truth
I did all the holidays for years
we paid for everything
and we were in a bind, Missy was born very sick, I had to stay home with her and we had two other children and my mother was dying and we were losing our home -
huge medical bills - it would cost more for a nurse than I made teaching
my husband was teaching -coaching and had a job driving a bread truck on Sundays
and I still paid for everything - if one of my sisters brought something -- it was nothing to replace a vegetable or what I needed to complete the meal
one year I asked if they could contribute 5.00 or anything and that was the last year everyone came to my house
it made my brother-in-law very angry
so now, we have holidays at Stasie's - my oldest daughters and we bring a large amount of the food- they grew up with their favorites and still want them
and Missy has one lung but is very healthy for now, she has PKD
I just told them I could not do it anymore
I hope it works out for you
it is so much work
and then they leave
and there is still so much more work
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I agree with monrein's advice. Volunteer to "help" -- tell them to let you know when and where the gathering will be next time; then, bring a dish along and YOU enjoy the time with them. Say, "I just can't do it anymore because of my dialysis. Who's going to step up and take over?" If no one does, then it obviously didn't mean as much to them as it did to you. In that case, start a new tradition with your husband and your immediate family.
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I feel your pain Rookiegirl!
My grandmother hosted Christmas all our lives. When she died we tried to keep it together. But my mom didn't want to or couldn't so we tried taking turns. That didn't really work either so I have had dinner here at our home the last few years. But no one can commit, leaving me hanging about who is coming. It's a great deal of work and since my younger sister moved to Wisconsin, I feel like this is the year I am NOT going to do it anymore.
If they want to get together, maybe they will invite us.
If not, fine, I will cook for my husband and kids and stay home. That would be good too!
You took the role as matriarch and they took the role of children. It's time you gave yourself a break.
I agree with the others, tell them you are not able to host this year. Simplify your life and enjoy the holiday with people you want to spend time with.
I know it's hard to make a change! I am going to try. I will be interested to see how it works out for you too!
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I feel your pain. I have been there and that's when we decided years ago to "start" our own tradition with our own children and that worked best. If we are in ND we go to someones house for the holiday but I gave up long ago doing it on my own. This Thanksgiving my oldest son and his wife brought almost everything to my house which we enjoyed and Saul and I are hosting a family Pre Christmas and he wants to take us out so I don't have to cook but I may just order from somewhere so we can eat at home and all enjoy and then the kids can all do their other family things on Christmas. We actually started the pre Christmas when we had several Foster children and they didn't want to have Christmas without us but had to go to their homes. Everyone gave you good advice. I think Monrein said it best. Just feel good about yourself and the decision you make. Everyone will understand and if not that's their problem, not your's.
Ann
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Whatever you do, you may not feel guilty for stopping all that stress and work! Tell them you can't do it anymore. Tell them it was important to you, but it's just too much when you are sick. If no one steps up, then it's time to let it go. I've cut back on a lot of things, and I found out that simpler can actually be better. I don't decorate much; I don't buy or make a lot of gifts anymore. I do go a bit mad with homemade cinnamon rolls, but even that has cut back from an all day project to something that takes a few hours. I make 3 kinds of cookies, not a dozen, and one kind of fudge, not 3. Funny, no one seems to mind as long as they get a taste. You can do it too - cut the apron strings and stop all the effort!
Have you considered, when they e-mail this year for a dinner time, answering "XXX Restaurant, 6:00, Dec 23, separate checks." You would still get to be together, but no cooking and cleaning involved. . .
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I say copy your rant above and e-mail it to them all. They can handle it and they will know how you really feel. That's just me. ...Boxman
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Thank you all for taking the time to read my rant and providing me great advice. You guys made me feel so much better about myself. I've been feeling so much guilt and beating myself to think how selfish of me. I'm so glad that others here have been in my shoes and completely understand where I'm coming from.
I'm going to definitely let them know how I truly feel and it's time for them to grow up and learn to appreciate things in life. I've heard the saying, you don't learn to appreciate anything until it's gone. I hope this still holds true.
I'm going to send them an email because I think this is the best for me. I know I would get too emotional to have a face to face or phone conversation. Plus, if I write it down, this is a sure way I can express my true feelings.
I just pray it won't back-fire on me where they just completely shut me out of their lives. Again, thank you for your support.
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EVERYONE has offered wonderful advice and mine may not be much but you could e-mail them and put in the subject line NEW TRADITION!!! and ask them when & where for Christmas and what dish you need to bring and also (just another suggestion) tell them that you want to add something else too this "new tradition" ask everyone (or maybe just 1 person) to bring a board game.......... that *might* make it a little easier for them to take you news :waiting; Please do let us know what you decide to do and how it turns out AND STAND YOUR GROUND!!!! I think you will feel "empowered" once you have told them all you feel you need to say! GOOD LUCK! :cuddle;
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My advice is probably too late, but I would just send out an email saying "Christmas has been canceled" Put down that Thanksgiving did you in and with your health situation you need to take care of yourself "Doctors Orders" (white lie). You have your husband and you may spend a few holidays by yourselves but things will work out.
My Mom and Dad are both gone but the family that is still speaking (a few) get together and we all contribute either money or a dish of something or both. I'm by myself so I usually latch on to someone but I hope I pay my way by showing up early to help, bringing a dish or two and helping clean up. The bonus of having the meal is keeping the left overs. I usually go home with a little something but not near what they get to keep!
:waving;
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I have the opposite problem.
My mother and mother-in-law are practically obsessive about retaining the celebrations at their houses. When my mother finally admitted she didn't want to cook anything but the turkey but still have it at her house, we were able to resolve the issue by agreeing to "pot-luck" everthing else. Each family member is in charge of bringing something. That works out really good and then we also set up a clean-up crew. This has made us all feel important because now we are all contributing in some way.
On the other hand, for my mother-in-law celebrations, she finally has let us bring a dish, but is a tyrant about how and what it is. Then one of her son's agreed to take on hostessing Thanksgiving the last few years and won't give it up to others even when I offer. At his get together I feel lucky when I get to bring the green salad. It is so frustrating. I would love to have the chance to hostess a holiday on a rotating basis with pot -luck type of help and the clean up crew. I never get the chance. People think they are doing me a favor because I have kidney disease and are afraid it's too much for me. Well, if I had to do it every holiday, like you, it would be too much. But once every other year I would love to.
I'm just saying, maybe they don't know how you feel. Maybe they think you like doing it all. I suggest you first bring up the idea of rotating, pot-luck, and clean up crew events. Don't get mad yet. You don't want to cause a rift with your beloved family. Is it possible they are like me, and would love to have the chance but don't get the chance.
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I sent an email to all my brothers & sisters titled "Good things comes to an end...". So far, I received one response from my sister and just want to share what she said:
"First I want to say that we are all blessed to have been able to carry on this tradition for so many years. I think it would be selfish of me to be mad or disappointed that the holidays at the Jones house is ending. You have always put family first, so I know this is a hard thing for you to say. None of us can truly understand how hard it must be for you to pull together a meal such as this because for the most part, none of us have attempted to. I understand that it is physically and mentally demanding on you and Marty. I think you deserve a break from it all. Now you can concentrate on your health, your children, and your husband during the holidays. Jay and I were planning on celebrating our first Christmas in our own house anyway. I am excited about decorating my own hose, and watching movies and in general RELAXING! You and Marty deserve this too. I think we forget of all the preperations that take place before we even set foot in your house. Let alone all the cleanup that takes place after we leave. It isn't fair to you or Marty to expect this year after year after year.
We should all start our own "traditions" and never expect old ways to carry on forever. I must say that I have enjoyed all of the times we've had. You should feel honored that you were able to hold us tight in your hands for so long. It's okay to let go Mary. We can all take those shaky and uncertain steps on our own. We can all stand on our own two feet because of you. Thank you for bringing us so close together. I pray that you all have a happy and safe holiday, wherever it may take you. I love you all."
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That was nice except I kept waiting to read "If I can help you in anyway just call or You are always welcome at my house"???
Sorry, I don't mean to stir the pot. It was nice for a first eamil and I hope they get better. At least they are starting to think.
:cheer:
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I think that was an OK e-mail, but what did YOU think of it, RG?
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I think that was an OK e-mail, but what did YOU think of it, RG?
I think I'm okay with it, but the negative person in me feels like a good bye and I'm never going to see them again. I pray not.
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aaawww well, I sure hope not either, RG! :cuddle;
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I think she was just trying to thank you for all you've done for them and say it's OK to change traditions. Perhaps you can reply and say that you hope you will still be able to visit at other times of the year as you don't want to lose touch? Perhaps you could all meet up at a hotel or somewhere for a family lunch on a special date once a year or something like that. Yes it would have been nice if she'd said 'come to us this time' but perhaps she's seen how everyone has taken you for granted and doesn't want to be next to have to do it year after year ;)
Let us know how it goes with the others, but know tat you have done the right thing as if things had gone on as they were you would have made yourself ill. :cuddle;
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I'm coming in on this a little late, but I think your sister's email was written well. It would be like my children telling me it was ok not to work myself sick but thanking me for all the years I made the family event possible. It is so hard to change things and I hate losing family traditions. But, maybe it is time to make new memories. We are starting to do thin.gs different. I roast the turkey and make three sides and each family makes several sides and desserts. I use to make everything, but it is costly and really hard work. We sent around a menu and everyone adds to it what they want to bring. BUT, my new daughter-in-law saw the list and said "looks like everything is covered!" and thought she didn't have to bring anything. The ones with the most money bring the two dishes that weren't even really needed. It was weird. Ok, so it seems it is my turn to rant!! Sorry. Melissa's boyfriend brought a ham and a jello mold and he isn't officially family! Families get strange at holidays. I always go back to something Kitkatz said over a year ago " just because I can doesn't mean I should". Your family thinks you can do it and lets you. Maybe now they will understand how hard it is for you. Next year, I'll set two more places at my table!---You're just down the road and you can share my crazy family! :rofl; AND not cook or clean one thing! You have been a wonderful sister and I am sure they all love you very much and appreciate all you have done for them.
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Great email! I got tickled however at the part about het having Christmas at her house and "just relaxing"...that's quite the oxymoron.
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We started a new "tradition" last year with my husband's family. My father-in-law had passed away in August and my mother-in-law felt that it was just too hard for her to do everything on her own, without his help. We'd always shared, bringing side dishes and ham and such, but they did all the early prep and house cleaning which we all know is such a pain. Dan's brother and his wife hosted Thanksgiving last year and after two days of preparing, he drew Dan and their other brother aside (there are 3 boys in the family) and suggested that instead of a big meal, next time we'd order pizza. It's not the food that matters, it's getting together and having a good time. So for Christmas last year, my husband and I hosted the "pizza party". We did serve a few snackies before hand while we figured out exactly how much pizza and what kind to order. After eating we sat around and visited and played C-L-R. A really easy game using special dice that even small children can play along with the adults. We had a really fun time and practically no clean up! Just bundled up the paper table cloth, along with the pizza boxes, paper plates and napkins. No one ever said it had to be fancy and no one seemed to mind a bit. Oh, I did splurge and bought Christmas paper plates and napkins just to make it a little more festive. :) We're now talking about alternatives to pizza for those of us with diet restrictions and we're thinking of a Subway sandwich platter next time. Still easy and less fuss and muss.
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Hey, I had Thanksgiving lasagna - Christmas pizza sounds just fine to me!
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I think your sisters letter was nice. She loves you and thank goodness you stood up for YOU!!!!! My son was on dialysis 16 mths I know what he went through. You deserve this! They will not shun you or forget you.
Hugs,
LoriIndiana
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RookieGirl, I think your sister's email was a good first step to changing traditions. You are NOT being selfish!! And I think your sister got that. I hope it works out for you.
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I think it was a very nice e-mail and she meant well.
However, I would have a tough time thinking I may never get to see my relatives for holidays. Instead it seems maybe she could have also suggested holiday rotations at different houses for some of the holidays.It just seems like this doesn't have to be an "all or none" situation. Maybe just celebrate Thanksgiving on a hostess rotation basis. You could pot luck or even order pizza. The point is to be able to be with your family and to stick with traditions. By your not hostessing the events, someone should step up and suggest a holiday at their house. After all the years you did it, maybe now it's their turn. I have a very large extended family. I am from a family of 10 children and my husband is from a family of 8 children. A holiday event may be the only time I get to see most of my relatives. If I didn't attend, I'd probably never see most of my brothers and I would miss that opportunity dearly. I think your family is lucky to have you and your attempts to keep up traditions. Now it's their turn. Saying it all ends really is not a solution. I am sorry if I seem so forceful about the issue, and I don't mean to offend. It's just that my family is the only thing I can depend on when the chips are down and suffering from kidney disease is THE one thing that has made me realize this. I wish you well and hope things work out.
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I received another email this time from my youngest sister.
"Mary, thank you for making sacrifices and putting forth all of the effort. I understand your decision and support your choice.
You have endured your medical condition with grace and dignity. I know it must take its toll, especially during the holidays - when you were hoping to rest.
I have had such wonderful holidays spent with your family. I told Marty that some of my happiest memories growing up were with you guys at your house. I truly appreciate that and hope that you gained something of value out of the experience too. But things change as they always will and I will not forget what you have done for me.
Happy Holidays and Thank You for 18 Yrs of Effort!"
I'm really surprise they have not picked up the phone and call me to discuss my decision. I did receive a voice mail from my brother thanking me for Thanksgiving dinner and hope that I'm doing OK. I haven't had a chance to call him back. I'll do it tomorrow. I haven't heard any response from my other brother and sister.
Thank you all for being supportive in my decision and thank you for the great advice. I will definitely take some of them into consideration. Right now, I'm just so tired that I can't think.
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I just read this string and can't tell you how aggravated I am by your situation. First, I am glad you are out of the hospital and doing well. As we all know, Peritonitis is serious and not fun at all.
I give you so much credit for what you have done through the years. I know how much work it is for a healthy person to put together holiday dinners for the family, let alone someone on dialysis. You have gone so far above and beyond to keep your family close and give them wonderful holiday memories. However they seem to take it for granted and if I were you, I would have stopped having the holiday dinners at my house long ago if I received the same indifference from my family.
I'm glad you informed them you will no longer be doing it. I couldn't believe that nobody has taken the initiative to, at the very least, offer to have you over for dinner and let you enjoy a relaxing holiday for once. Maybe I expect too much, but I really thought that someone was going to reply that they would carry on the tradition and have everyone over their place, or maybe they all rotate it between themselves, or something along lines. But it seems like they are content to just go their separate ways for the holidays which is unfortunate.
Now you can focus on you and your husband for the holiday and enjoy more time with each other since you won't have to spend so much time preparing for everyone else. Enjoy the rest and you can take pride in the fact that you did an amazing job over the years taking care of your family.
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Rookiegirl.....I should be taking a leaf out of your book and tell my husband's family they can't come this year. Good girl for standing your ground. I hope you and your husband have a terrific Chirstmas together. Love to you both. xxx
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I am having Christmas at my house this year. I have not done it in awhile, so any ideas for me would be great. My family is pretty good about not pushing in on me. But then I get the big stick out and clear rooms as needed.
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I just read this string and can't tell you how aggravated I am by your situation. First, I am glad you are out of the hospital and doing well. As we all know, Peritonitis is serious and not fun at all.
I give you so much credit for what you have done through the years. I know how much work it is for a healthy person to put together holiday dinners for the family, let alone someone on dialysis. You have gone so far above and beyond to keep your family close and give them wonderful holiday memories. However they seem to take it for granted and if I were you, I would have stopped having the holiday dinners at my house long ago if I received the same indifference from my family.
I'm glad you informed them you will no longer be doing it. I couldn't believe that nobody has taken the initiative to, at the very least, offer to have you over for dinner and let you enjoy a relaxing holiday for once. Maybe I expect too much, but I really thought that someone was going to reply that they would carry on the tradition and have everyone over their place, or maybe they all rotate it between themselves, or something along lines. But it seems like they are content to just go their separate ways for the holidays which is unfortunate.
Now you can focus on you and your husband for the holiday and enjoy more time with each other since you won't have to spend so much time preparing for everyone else. Enjoy the rest and you can take pride in the fact that you did an amazing job over the years taking care of your family.
nice post and nice to have you back!
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I was hoping in her reply that an offer would be made by your sister to host the dinner & then everyone take turns.
Didn't like where it implied.....we really wanted to stay home.
You seem like a close family why don't you suggest taking turns.
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I feel I must just add my thoughts to this post. I'm now 67, and the youngest of 6 girls. Mum and Dad did Christmas every year until the eldest sister got married then she took over doing Christmas, I have lovely memories, cine films and photo's of all those wonderful time's. As we all got married one by one and produce all the grand children, my sister's place burst at the seams. We all thanked her and I know my Mum and Dad always gave her the extra money to pay for things. One by one as my sisters all moved to different parts of the country we never ever spent Chrismas together again and I would give anything to have those times back again. However as the years went on I now being the Mum to my 3 children, did Christmas until they all got married and now it is taken in turns to do Christmas, but they won't let me do it, if they come to my place for Christmas they bring all the food and do all the cooking. We have a wonderful time and look forward to it every year. ( 5 Grandchildren)
I'm still close to my sister's although we live in different parts of England, but no more than 3 hours away, we phone each other and I know they are there for me.
I hope you keep in touch with your family even if it means you lifting the phone first and saying how much you missed them at Christmas, then they may say "come to us next year, as we missed you also" :ukflag; :santahat; :snowman; :christmastree; :rudolph;
Merry Christmas to you, Yvonne
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Hi RookieGirl.
I know how you feel. People who aren't on dialysis just don't get it. If you look o.k.they assume you feel o.k. We both know that's not how it works.. Maybe it's time you sat down and told your siblings how you feel. If they understand then they will pitch in and help you with all the tasks that go along with holiday gatherings. If they don't, well Denny's has a great Christmas speical and maybe they should look into it. Sounds like you spent a good part of your life taking care of them, Maybe it's time for them to start returning the favor.
Hang in there Buckaroo and the Merriest Christmas too you.
Sincerely Mike L
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My Dear,
It may have come to me differently, maybe because I can feel a bit of my culture in your family. The way you raised your brothers and sisters is really very unselfish and magnificent of you. They were raised looking up to you and I guess they always did what you told them. You have instilled in them that you command the ship. I guess they are just waiting to hear from you of what you want from them. If you had asked of them coming with potlucks, surely enough, you'll have your wish. They respect you so much that at the moment, they thought of giving you some break for a while, will make you happy. I don't think this is the end, don't be surprise if they come after the season.
love,
cris
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Rookie Girl - I totally agree with you. Your family should have stepped in and helped you out in any way they could. I don't blame you for not wanting to continue hosting the holidays. I do think it's time for your bros/sis to start taking this over. In my family, my one of my sister's hosts Christmas Eve, the only holiday all my bros/sis and families get together. We all chip in and bring dishes to help her out.
Both of your sister's emails sounded nice, but like the others, I kept waiting for them to say you deserve to be taken care of, let us do it for you. You deserve to have them take care of it all. Rob's family pisses me off because they just don't understand what it's like for a dialysis patient. My MIL is forever providing snide commentary of how he is always tired whenever he goes over her house. She wishes he wasn't so tired all the time. I bit my tongue for a long time, however, the last time she said it I blew up. I told her he is sick, his body is tired and drained and she needs to get over it. I then asked her if she could handle working a full-time physical labored job and then do dialysis 5 days a week. Throw in the nausea, cramping, disconnected feeling and energy depletion. The whole room (MIL, FIL, his sister and her husband) got very quiet and she said no. I said, I didn't think so and to stop brow beating my husband and making him feel guilty. I then told her to stop making him brownies (his favorite) when he comes over, that he can't eat them and to stop tempting him. I wonder why she doesn't email or call me much these days ;D.
Good for you for standing up for yourself. I hope you have a lovely holiday and that you can spend it with your family and your bro's/sis. :flower;
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I am having Christmas at my house this year. I have not done it in awhile, so any ideas for me would be great. My family is pretty good about not pushing in on me. But then I get the big stick out and clear rooms as needed.
Kitkatz - Since this will be my first Christmas not cooking for an army, I'm just going to keep mine simple. This is what I'm planning to cook for my family of 4:
Small spiral ham with pineapple glaze
Collard Greens
Sweet Potatoes
Mac&Cheese
Dessert - Undecided at this time
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My mother and I plan to KISS it- Keep It Simple Stupid.
Honeybaked ham from the Honeybaked store. The cats love this ham.
Veggies
a salad
rice or potatoes
pie
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I'm so sad, feeling guilty and can't stop crying :'( :'( :'(. I have a Facebook and I just read a post that my little brother sent ("Wishing Mom was here at least I could have a little Family gathering 4 X-Mas"). This is breaking my heart. I didn't mean for them to misunderstand my email about not doing all the cooking for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I didn't mean for it to sound as if we can never ever gather at my house anymore. I feel as if I broke up the family. I feel so ashame. For my brother to say this and mentioning our belated Mother who passed away 2 years ago, just breaks my heart. I've been crying and can't seem to stop.
I don't know what to do. Did I make the wrong decision? When is enough? Believe me I've tried to hold on to the 19yrs tradition, but being on dialysis has taken toll of my life, body and soul. Do I continue anyway until I can't continue anymore? Is it fair to pass on the burden of responsibility to my husband who is also my caregiver? I just can't understand how long do I continue??? I'm so ANGRY, SAD AND I WISH I COULD JUST STOP CRYING. My head is hurting so bad and it's so hard to breath. I just wish I was dead so I don't have to deal with this at all. I'm starting to really hate my life.
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Oh dear mate :cuddle;
Don't feel guilty - you didn't do anything wrong
Your email did not break up the family - you just can't control your brother's feelings or his interpretation of your email
You did not make the wrong decision - you must look after yourself first and foremost
I don't have any words of wisdom for you but I can say this - Christmas time can be joyous but it also can remind us of who we miss (especially our loved and departed)
Take care dear friend
:guitar: :guitar:
I wish you a happy christmas with cheer and songs in your heart
Love to your hubby and family too
:rudolph; :santahat; :ausflag;
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RG I'm sending you big :grouphug; :grouphug;
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RG-
Prayers for you and your family.
Your Brother is grieving his mother. You are grieving the loss of your mother, and the close family that you wanted , but do not have. You have been doing the work of six to keep then closer. Perhaps they can start pulling their weight now.
Your first responsibility is to your husband and children. After that, your community. After that, your siblings. The pre condition for being able to care for your family is your health and sanity.
You are goign through tough change, and it hurts. However, it is good, it is healthy, and you will be better able to care for your family as a result of this change.
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Dear Rookiegirl, I am sitting here crying with you. I feel so bad for you. You have done nothing wrong. You need to think of you first. I shouldn't complain since I am still pre-dialysis but, life is pretty miserable right now re: family. Our family has always been extremely close - like yours. My 2nd son, last year divorced his wife of 13 years and within months met someone, was engaged and then they eloped. But, they are still planning their lavish wedding in May. To make the story short, the new wife doesn't like me, thinks our family gets together too much and emails each other too often. She insists the children call her S'mommy -- how crazy is that? Anyway, my son has told his siblings that they won't come to our house for Christmas until I apologize to his wife for hurting her feelings. Today she left a 5 page typed letter explaining to me all the things I have done to offend her. You wouldn't belief the list. She is a high powered New Yorker and is 39 and her first marriage. It is on my shoulders to take all responsibility for everything. Oh I forgot, her Mother isn't speaking to her and refuses to come to see her and my son. Sooo, it isn't just me. But, Christmas could be ruined if I don't do as they say. In the meantime, I am cleaning and baking and making Christmas dinner. I just want to run away. It is hard not to think that their life would be better without me. My other 3 children are so upset for me and are trying to make my life happier. At Thanksgiving, my son and wife brought corn and brownies!! Seriously, they have more money than God and they bring a bowl of frozen corn. I just want to curl up under the blankets and stay there. I am sending you so much love and support :cuddle; You have held the family together for so long. Someone else needs to take a turn. Just take care of your little family and try not to worry about the siblings. You can't afford the stress. I know I have rambled on and on, but my heart is breaking for you (and for me). I will pray you have a calm, peaceful Christmas. :cuddle; :cuddle; :cuddle;
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RG, I think they will get over it. It sounds to me like your little brother is hurting, but also that he needs to grow up a little. I do not think that you should feel guilty. As others have said, you need to focus on staying healthy for your own good and for your husband and kids. :cuddle;
Paris, I grew up in NY (Long Island) and had to get out of there as soon as I could (that was over 30 years ago). There can be a mindset - self-centered and very focused on material things - that seems normal in that setting. I've seen it a lot in my own family, and even when he was younger, my son would comment on this after spending time in NY. You are experiencing a culture clash. I think you have to recognize it for what it is, try to be graceful (as I already know you are from your posts), try not to take it personally (pretend she is from some other planet and doesn't understand how things work here on earth >:D), but be true to your family in terms of traditions, and ways of being family. Unfortunately, some people will take a mile if you give them an inch, just because they feel "entitled." I think you need to be careful about how many inches you give the future daughter-in-law, because there is going to be a future with her, too. Just my :twocents; and I hope I am not out of line. :cuddle;
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RG I do feel sad for all of you, but if your brother wants a family gathering what is to stop him organising one? Either at his home, or hiring a hall or at a hotel or something. Or getting together with one of the other siblings and organising something if he can't do it alone. Don't take all the responsibility, it's time the others took their share.
Wishing you a peaceful Christmas xx
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Christmas can be so stressful.
Your duty is to your immediate family. Your extended family is secondary. I'm sorry about your little brother and his feelings regarding a lack of a family get-together this Christmas. But maybe if he or someone else in your extended family came forward to put the get-together together it could happen. Your family needs you, so this idea of wishing you were dead has to go away. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing the best you can given your health circumstances. I hope you feel better soon so you can enjoy Christmas.
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Oh rookiegirl, your brother should be the one feeling guilty. Why didn't they offer anything instead of demanding from you. I am so upset for you. I wish you peace and joy this Christmas. Hug your bubby extra tight and be proud what you have done. :cuddle;
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RG and Paris....remember you are first..take care of yourself first....you all told me this and now I am telling you. Somedays it seems that extended families take longer to understand than our children, not counting your d in l Paris..she is just from another planet....what an alien..wow...this was a new Christmas for me but it turned out very well...Saul insisted on taking our family out...my sons and their families and he invited my son's inlaws as well since they always cook for holidays but they didn't come and after a lovely dinner yesterday we came home and had our Christmas Gag Gift Game which was enjoyed by all "even my 14 year old grandson"..and we all know teen boys are strange animals who don't enjoy many family things...he was so funny, kept drawing the girly gifts and even he had to laugh, they all called after they got home and again told us how much they enjoyed the day. On Christmas Day we are invited to my youngest son's inlaws house for dinner and are looking forward to that and I'm rested which feels great. This may have started a new tradition but it was good. You can do it too.
Ann
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How are you doing Rookiegirl? I spent today rethinking what I could and couldn't do for Christmas. I will not get the four quilts done for my children, but I will wrap them with love. I am having a buffet for Christmas Eve dinner when we all get together, but my daughters have offered to do most of it. Today they swept and dusted for me and I spent the day making cookies and fudge with 2 of my grandkids. But, tomorrow my son and the lovely daughter in law, have requested my husband and I come over to discuss all the problems. My husband says if they start in on my, we will leave. If I don't say the right things, they won't be at our house with all the rest of the family. My daughters told me today that if that is their decision, that we can not let them ruin everyone's holiday. They can't have that much power over us. It breaks my heart because my son and I have always been close but he is pushing us all away. We can't change other people and all of you here have helped me the past few days to feel better about the situation. I hope you are feeling better about yours. :cuddle;
Pelagia, she is from Long Island. Is life so different there? I have never known anyone so selfish and self-centered. You are nothing like that. You are full of so much love and compassion for all of us. :cuddle; :cuddle;
Thanks G-Ma. I think we are related. You should be my sister! I heard your words and am listening. I promise :cuddle;
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I would be honored to be considered your sister.
Love you
Ann
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RookieGirl, my heart goes out to you. I have a large extended family, and I love them very much. They do not understand everything I go through, but they do try. They mean the world to me and I look forward to the few opportunties we have to be together. All of my siblings are married, except 1, my younger sister. Even when the entire family cannot get together, I include my younger sister in all of my family activities. She does not have a husband or kids, and would be left alone if I did not include her. She has actually become quite a help during the holidays, as she puts forth huge extra efforts in trying to allow me to rest. After years of being together during the holidays, she knows my kitchen as well as I do, and we work together seamlessly. Is your younger brother single? Is this why the loss of your large family holiday is affecting him so much?
I think you should once again be honest with your family. If your intention was not to divide everyone to spend the holidays separately - tell them. If your hope was that someone would offer to have everyone over to their place instead of yours - tell them. Tell them exactly what your intention and hopes were. It sounds like they misinterpreted your intentions and are trying to honor your wishes. Even if it's too late to get everyone together this year, if you are completely honest, you may have the chance that someone will pick it up next year. If you really wanted potluck, or taking turns, or something else, but still wanted to get together - I really think you should tell them. How else will they know?
I will be thinking about you and your family in hopes that this gets resolved. While your health is extremely important, so are families. They are yours for life and are cherished treasures.
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Pelagia, she is from Long Island. Is life so different there? I have never known anyone so selfish and self-centered. You are nothing like that. You are full of so much love and compassion for all of us. :cuddle; :cuddle;
Paris, thank you for your kind words. They really mean a lot to me. :cuddle;
I'm sure there are selfish, self-centered people everywhere and lots of wonderful people on LI, but yes, I do think it's a different culture up there for many. It wears on me whenever I go to visit (which isn't much anymore).
It's good to hear that you have family support.
I always wish I had a quicker sense of humor when it comes to difficult situations. My husband can joke his way through anything. I let things get to me. If things start to get to you, just remember that we're here. :cuddle;
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But, tomorrow my son and the lovely daughter in law, have requested my husband and I come over to discuss all the problems. My husband says if they start in on my, we will leave. If I don't say the right things, they won't be at our house with all the rest of the family.
Paris, I'm so sorry to hear all of this. This sounds awful. And the timing -- for god's sake, TWO days before Christmas??!! Could it possibly be ANY WORSE??! It's as if your daughter-in-law is saying, "Let's take this family occasion and make it all about ME ME ME !!!!" What a witch. You definitely do NOT deserve this. How difficult and painful. Sounds like emotional blackmail, and it's a shame that your son is going along with it, but I'm afraid that sometimes people get brainwashed when they are (or think they are) "in love." I'm sending you lots of love and hugs :cuddle; :cuddle; :grouphug; :grouphug; and am hoping things get better soon.
Rookiegirl, It sounds like your brother is having a pity party. OMG, poor HIM!!! Think of the other things he could have said: "I want to spend Xmas with my family, and Big Sis isn't feeling up to making dinner for all of us, so why don't we have a potluck?" "Or meet at the local Dairy Queen?" Or whatever, just spend the time with family. It is totally inapppropriate for him to be playing this passive-aggressive victim game when YOU are the one who has kidney failure, for heaven's sake!! Don't fall for the guilt trip!!! I know it's hard not to, but it is NOT all up to you!! I'm sending love and hugs to you, too. :cuddle; :cuddle; :grouphug; :grouphug;
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All I can say is THANK YOU!!! for the support of my IHD family. When I sent my post a few days ago, I was really upset and may have said things I don't really mean. Especially about wishing I was d---d. I hate that word and do not wish it at all. I love life and I try by best to live life to the fullest. You guys are so wonderful in responding to my needs. I've read this thread over and over and take in each words of encouragement and suggestions. It feels so wonderful to know that I have people I can rely on for comfort.
Here's the latest in my family issue. After I finally calmed down, I sent an email to all my brothers & sisters. I mentioned on the email my brother's post and how it hurt me. I told them that I took if very personal and felt I was being blamed. I stated in the email just because I will not prepare the meals anymore doesn't mean we can't have family gatherings. I welcome them to come over to our house anytime they want. So, now will see if they show up Christmas day.
Earlier today, I went to my mother's resting place and cried my heart out. At first, I felt so ashamed that I failed her. But I came to realize in that quiet place, that I have done all I can do and I felt better about myself. You are all so right about me spending more time with my husband and 2 girls. Life is too short to live in misery. Tonight, my husband and our 2 girls drove to see the Festival of Lights and we enjoyed roasting marshmallow in a big bonfire. It was so beautiful and tonight made me realize how much my girls have grown and just how beautiful they really are. I thank God for this opportunity. I have truly been blessed and I'm honored to experience this life of mine.
I wish everyone here a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Love you All,
RG
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I am so glad today was better for you, Rookiegirl. :cuddle; Truly, friends here have made such a difference in being able to handle family drama. It sounds like your family had a very special day together. Lovely new memories with your husband and daughters. :cuddle; Merry Christmas to you and yours. You are very special and we love you so much. :grouphug;
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Lots of love to you and your family RG. :cuddle;
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I'm so glad to know you are feeling better about yourself. Have a wonderful Christmas.You deserve it.
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Family and friends don't understand unless you tell them. Contact your family to meet you at an affordable restuarant and tell them you want the family to be together but you can't be responsible for the meal anymore...and tell them why.
I had an aunt on dialysis for 4 years and never knew what she went through until I wound up "in the chair" I'm sure that's the case with your family. Suggest someone else host the event or offer your house if others bring all the food.... traditions aren't supposed to be jail sentences, they can be changed.
I'm sorry you are hurting about your brother but his post on Facebook is an example of him not understanding.
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I do agree with Fairheart that sometimes family members act the way they do because they really don't understand. My brother was on dialysis for 10 years before he died in 2004, just ten months before I myself was diagnosed with kidney failure. I now know that I wished I had taken the time to understand exactly what he was going through. I helped him when I could (and most of that time I was in another country anyway), but only since it has become my turn, do I realize that there was a lot more that I could have done in terms of understanding what he was going through.
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Fairheart, I really liked that phrase "traditions aren't suppose to be jail sentences". :thumbup;