Ungrateful Family.....I'm sick & tired!!!

[petey]

RookieGirl, I think your sister's email was a good first step to changing traditions.  You are NOT being selfish!!  And I think your sister got that.  I hope it works out for you.

[Sunny]

I think it was a very nice e-mail and she meant well.
However, I would have a tough time thinking I may never get to see my relatives for holidays. Instead it seems maybe she could have also suggested holiday rotations at different houses for some of the holidays.It just seems like this doesn't have to be an "all or none" situation. Maybe just celebrate Thanksgiving on a hostess rotation basis. You could pot luck or even order pizza. The point is to be able to be with your family and to stick with traditions. By your not hostessing the events, someone should step up and suggest a holiday at their house. After all the years you did it, maybe now it's their turn. I have a very large extended family. I am from a family of 10 children and my husband is from a family of 8 children. A holiday event may be the only time I get to see most of my relatives. If I didn't attend, I'd probably never see most of my brothers and I would miss that opportunity dearly. I think your family is lucky to have you and your attempts to keep up traditions. Now it's their turn. Saying it all ends really is not a solution. I am sorry if I seem so forceful about the issue, and I don't mean to offend. It's just that my family is the only thing I can depend on when the chips are down and suffering from kidney disease is THE one thing that has made me realize this. I wish you well and hope things work out.

[rookiegirl]

I received another email this time from my youngest sister.

"Mary, thank you for making sacrifices and putting forth all of the effort. I understand your decision and support your choice.
You have endured your medical condition with grace and dignity. I know it must take its toll, especially during the holidays - when you were hoping to rest.
I have had such wonderful holidays spent with your family. I told Marty that some of my happiest memories growing up were with you guys at your house. I truly appreciate that and hope that you gained something of value out of the experience too. But things change as they always will and I will not forget what you have done for me.

Happy Holidays and Thank You for 18 Yrs of Effort!"

I'm really surprise they have not picked up the phone and call me to discuss my decision.  I did receive a voice mail from my brother thanking me for Thanksgiving dinner and hope that I'm doing OK.  I haven't had a chance to call him back.  I'll do it tomorrow.  I haven't heard any response from my other brother and sister.

Thank you all for being supportive in my decision and thank you for the great advice.  I will definitely take some of them into consideration.  Right now, I'm just so tired that I can't think.

[drinkboy]

I just read this string and can't tell you how aggravated I am by your situation.  First, I am glad you are out of the hospital and doing well. As we all know,  Peritonitis is serious and not fun at all.

 I give you so much credit for what you have done through the years.  I know how much work it is for a healthy person to put together holiday dinners for the family, let alone someone on dialysis.  You have gone so far above and beyond to keep your family close and give them wonderful holiday memories.  However they seem to take it for granted and if I were you, I would have stopped having the holiday dinners at my house long ago if I received the same indifference from my family.

I'm glad you informed them you will no longer be doing it. I couldn't believe that nobody has taken the initiative to, at the very least, offer to have you over for dinner and let you enjoy a relaxing holiday for once.  Maybe I expect too much, but I really thought that someone was going to reply that they would carry on the tradition and have everyone over their place, or maybe they all rotate it between themselves, or something along lines.  But it seems like they are content to just go their separate ways for the holidays which is unfortunate. 

Now you can focus on you and your husband for the holiday and enjoy more time with each other since you won't have to spend so much time preparing for everyone else. Enjoy the rest and you can take pride in the fact that you did an amazing job over the years taking care of your family.

[Lucinda]

Rookiegirl.....I should be taking a leaf out of your book and tell my husband's family they can't come this year.  Good girl for standing your ground.  I hope you and your husband have a terrific Chirstmas together.  Love to you both. xxx

[kitkatz]

I am having Christmas at my house this year.  I have not done it in awhile, so any ideas for me would be great.  My family is pretty good about not pushing in on me. But then I get the big stick out and clear rooms as needed.

[pelagia]

I just read this string and can't tell you how aggravated I am by your situation.  First, I am glad you are out of the hospital and doing well. As we all know,  Peritonitis is serious and not fun at all.

 I give you so much credit for what you have done through the years.  I know how much work it is for a healthy person to put together holiday dinners for the family, let alone someone on dialysis.  You have gone so far above and beyond to keep your family close and give them wonderful holiday memories.  However they seem to take it for granted and if I were you, I would have stopped having the holiday dinners at my house long ago if I received the same indifference from my family.

I'm glad you informed them you will no longer be doing it. I couldn't believe that nobody has taken the initiative to, at the very least, offer to have you over for dinner and let you enjoy a relaxing holiday for once.  Maybe I expect too much, but I really thought that someone was going to reply that they would carry on the tradition and have everyone over their place, or maybe they all rotate it between themselves, or something along lines.  But it seems like they are content to just go their separate ways for the holidays which is unfortunate. 

Now you can focus on you and your husband for the holiday and enjoy more time with each other since you won't have to spend so much time preparing for everyone else. Enjoy the rest and you can take pride in the fact that you did an amazing job over the years taking care of your family.

nice post and nice to have you back!

[mcjane]

I was hoping in her reply that an offer would be made by your sister to host the dinner & then everyone take turns.

Didn't like where it implied.....we really wanted to stay home.

You seem like a close family why don't you suggest taking turns.

[Yvonne]

I feel I must just add my thoughts to this post. I'm now 67, and the youngest of 6 girls. Mum and Dad did Christmas every year until the eldest sister got married then she took over doing Christmas, I have lovely memories, cine films and photo's of all those wonderful time's. As we all got married one by one and produce all the grand children, my sister's place burst at the seams. We all thanked her and I know my Mum and Dad always gave her the extra money to pay for things. One by one as my sisters all moved to different parts of the country we never ever spent Chrismas together again and I would give anything to have those times back again.  However as the years went on I now being the Mum to my 3 children, did Christmas until they all got married and now it is taken in turns to do Christmas, but they won't let me do it, if they come to my place for Christmas they bring all the food and do all the cooking. We have a wonderful time and look forward to it every year. ( 5  Grandchildren)
I'm still close to my sister's although we live in different parts of England, but no more than 3 hours away, we phone each other and I know they are there for me.
I hope you keep in touch with your family even if it means you lifting the phone first and saying how much you missed them at Christmas, then they may say "come to us next year, as we missed you also"
Merry Christmas to you,  Yvonne

[Budluv]

   Hi RookieGirl.
   I know how you feel. People who aren't on dialysis just don't get it. If you look o.k.they assume you feel o.k. We both know that's not how it works..  Maybe it's time you sat down and told your siblings how you feel. If they understand then they will pitch in and help you with all the tasks that go along with holiday gatherings. If they don't, well Denny's has a great Christmas speical and maybe they should look into it. Sounds like you spent a good part of your life taking care of them, Maybe it's time for them to start returning the favor.

                                                          Hang in there Buckaroo and the Merriest Christmas too you.
                                                          Sincerely Mike L

[cris]

My Dear,
It may have come to me differently, maybe because I can feel a bit of my culture in your family. The way you raised your brothers and sisters is really very unselfish and magnificent of you. They were raised looking up to you and I guess they always did what you told them. You have instilled in them that you command the ship. I guess they are just waiting to hear from you of what you want from them. If you had asked of them coming with potlucks, surely enough, you'll have your wish. They respect you so much that at the moment, they thought of giving you some break for a while, will make you happy. I don't think this is the end, don't be surprise if they come after the season.
love,
cris

[skyedogrocks]

Rookie Girl - I totally agree with you.  Your family should have stepped in and helped you out in any way they could.  I don't blame you for not wanting to continue hosting the holidays.  I do think it's time for your bros/sis to start taking this over.  In my family, my one of my sister's hosts Christmas Eve, the only holiday all my bros/sis and families get together.  We all chip in and bring dishes to help her out.

Both of your sister's emails sounded nice, but like the others, I kept waiting for them to say you deserve to be taken care of, let us do it for you.  You deserve to have them take care of it all.  Rob's family pisses me off because they just don't understand what it's like for a dialysis patient.  My MIL is forever providing snide commentary of how he is always tired whenever he goes over her house.  She wishes he wasn't so tired all the time.  I bit my tongue for a long time, however, the last time she said it I blew up.  I told her he is sick, his body is tired and drained and she needs to get over it.  I then asked her if she could handle working a full-time physical labored job and then do dialysis 5 days a week.  Throw in the nausea, cramping, disconnected feeling and energy depletion.  The whole room (MIL, FIL, his sister and her husband) got very quiet and she said no.  I said, I didn't think so and to stop brow beating my husband and making him feel guilty.  I then told her to stop making him brownies (his favorite) when he comes over, that he can't eat them and to stop tempting him.  I wonder why she doesn't email or call me much these days  .

Good for you for standing up for yourself.  I hope you have a lovely holiday and that you can spend it with your family and your bro's/sis.   

[rookiegirl]

I am having Christmas at my house this year.  I have not done it in awhile, so any ideas for me would be great.  My family is pretty good about not pushing in on me. But then I get the big stick out and clear rooms as needed.

Kitkatz - Since this will be my first Christmas not cooking for an army, I'm just going to keep mine simple.  This is what I'm planning to cook for my family of 4:

Small spiral ham with pineapple glaze
Collard Greens
Sweet Potatoes
Mac&Cheese
Dessert - Undecided at this time

[kitkatz]

My mother and I plan to KISS it- Keep It Simple Stupid.

Honeybaked ham from the Honeybaked store. The cats love this ham.
Veggies
a salad
rice or potatoes
pie

[rookiegirl]

I'm so sad, feeling guilty and can't stop crying  .  I have a Facebook and I just read a post that my little brother sent ("Wishing Mom was here at least I could have a little Family gathering 4 X-Mas").  This is breaking my heart.  I didn't mean for them to misunderstand my email about not doing all the cooking for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I didn't mean for it to sound as if we can never ever gather at my house anymore.  I feel as if I broke up the family.  I feel so ashame.  For my brother to say this and mentioning our belated Mother who passed away 2 years ago, just breaks my heart.  I've been crying and can't seem to stop.

I don't know what to do.  Did I make the wrong decision?  When is enough?  Believe me I've tried to hold on to the 19yrs tradition, but being on dialysis has taken toll of my life, body and soul.  Do I continue anyway until I can't continue anymore?  Is it fair to pass on the burden of responsibility to my husband who is also my caregiver?  I just can't understand how long do I continue???  I'm so ANGRY, SAD AND I WISH I COULD JUST STOP CRYING.  My head is hurting so bad and it's so hard to breath.  I just wish I was dead so I don't have to deal with this at all.  I'm starting to really hate my life.

[jessup]

Oh dear mate

Don't feel guilty - you didn't do anything wrong
Your email did not break up the family - you just can't control your brother's feelings or his interpretation of your email
You did not make the wrong decision - you must look after yourself first and foremost

I don't have any words of wisdom for you but I can say this - Christmas time can be joyous but it also can remind us of who we miss (especially our loved and departed)
Take care dear friend
 
I wish you a happy christmas with cheer and songs in your heart
Love to your hubby and family too

[lola]

RG   I'm sending you big 

[Wallyz]

RG-

Prayers for you and your family. 
Your Brother is grieving his mother.  You are grieving the loss of your mother, and the close family that you wanted , but do not have. You have been doing the work of six to keep then closer.  Perhaps they can start pulling their weight now. 

Your first responsibility is to your husband and children.  After that, your community.  After that, your siblings.  The pre condition for being able to care for your family is your health and sanity.

You are goign through tough change, and it hurts.  However, it is good, it is healthy, and you will be better able to care for your family as  a result of this change.

[paris]

Dear Rookiegirl,   I am sitting here crying with you. I feel so bad for you.  You have done nothing wrong.  You need to think of you first.  I shouldn't complain since I am still pre-dialysis but, life is pretty miserable right now re: family.  Our family has always been extremely close - like yours.  My 2nd son, last year divorced his wife of 13 years and within months met someone, was engaged and then they eloped.  But, they are still planning their lavish wedding in May.  To make the story short, the new wife doesn't like me, thinks our family gets together too much and emails each other too often.  She insists the children call her S'mommy -- how crazy is that?   Anyway, my son has told his siblings that they won't come to our house for Christmas until I apologize to his wife for hurting her feelings.  Today she left a 5 page typed letter explaining to me all the things I have done to offend her.  You wouldn't belief the list.  She is a high powered New Yorker and is 39 and her first marriage.  It is on my shoulders to take all responsibility for everything.   Oh I forgot, her Mother isn't speaking to her and refuses to come to see her and my son.   Sooo, it isn't just me.  But, Christmas could be ruined if I don't do as they say.  In the meantime, I am cleaning and baking and making Christmas dinner.  I just want to run away.  It is hard not to think that their life would be better without me.  My other 3 children are so upset for me and are trying to make my life happier.  At Thanksgiving, my son and wife brought corn and brownies!!  Seriously, they have more money than God and they bring a bowl of frozen corn.  I just want to curl up under the blankets and stay there.    I am sending you so much love and support    You have held the family together for so long. Someone else needs to take a turn.   Just take care of your little family and try not to worry about the siblings.   You can't afford the stress.   I know I have rambled on and on, but my heart is breaking for you (and for me).  I will pray you have a calm, peaceful Christmas.    

[pelagia]

RG, I think they will get over it.  It sounds to me like your little brother is hurting, but also that he needs to grow up a little.  I do not think that you should feel guilty.  As others have said, you need to focus on staying healthy for your own good and for your husband and kids.

Paris, I grew up in NY (Long Island) and had to get out of there as soon as I could (that was over 30 years ago).  There can be a mindset - self-centered and very focused on material things - that seems normal in that setting. I've seen it a lot in my own family, and even when he was younger, my son would comment on this after spending time in NY.  You are experiencing a culture clash.  I think you have to recognize it for what it is, try to be graceful (as I already know you are from your posts), try not to take it personally (pretend she is from some other planet and doesn't understand how things work here on earth  ), but be true to your family in terms of traditions, and ways of being family.  Unfortunately, some people will take a mile if you give them an inch, just because they feel "entitled."  I think you need to be careful about how many inches you give the future daughter-in-law, because there is going to be a future with her, too.  Just my  and I hope I am not out of line.     

[rose1999]

RG I do feel sad for all of you, but if your brother wants a family gathering what is to stop him organising one?  Either at his home, or hiring a hall or at a hotel or something.  Or getting together with one of the other siblings and organising something if he can't do it alone. Don't take all the responsibility, it's time the others took their share.
Wishing you a peaceful Christmas xx

[Sunny]

Christmas can be so stressful.
Your duty is to your immediate family. Your extended family is secondary. I'm sorry about your little brother and his feelings regarding a lack of a family get-together this Christmas. But maybe if he or someone else in your extended family came forward to put the get-together together it could happen. Your family needs you, so this idea of wishing you were dead has to go away. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing the best you can given your health circumstances. I hope you feel better soon so you can enjoy Christmas.

[willieandwinnie]

Oh rookiegirl, your brother should be the one feeling guilty. Why didn't they offer anything instead of demanding from you. I am so upset for you. I wish you peace and joy this Christmas. Hug your bubby extra tight and be proud what you have done. 

[G-Ma]

RG and Paris....remember you are first..take care of yourself first....you all told me this and now I am telling you.  Somedays it seems that extended families take longer to understand than our children, not counting your d in l Paris..she is just from another planet....what an alien..wow...this was a new Christmas for me but it turned out very well...Saul insisted on taking our family out...my sons and their families and he invited my son's inlaws as well since they always cook for holidays but they didn't come and after a lovely dinner yesterday we came home and had our Christmas Gag Gift Game which was enjoyed by all "even my 14 year old grandson"..and we all know teen boys are strange animals who don't enjoy many family things...he was so funny, kept drawing the girly gifts and even he had to laugh, they all called after they got home and again told us how much they enjoyed the day.  On Christmas Day we are invited to my youngest son's inlaws house for dinner and are looking forward to that and I'm rested which feels great.  This may have started a new tradition but it was good.  You can do it too.
Ann

[paris]

How are you doing Rookiegirl?   I spent today rethinking what I could and couldn't do for Christmas.   I will not get the four quilts done for my children, but I will wrap them with love.  I am having a buffet for Christmas Eve dinner when we all get together, but my daughters have offered to do most of it.  Today they swept and dusted for me and I spent the day making cookies and fudge with 2 of my grandkids.   But, tomorrow my son and the lovely daughter in law, have requested my husband and I come over to discuss all the problems.  My husband says if they start in on my, we will leave.  If I don't say the right things, they won't be at our house with all the rest of the family.  My daughters told me today that if that is their decision, that we can not let them ruin everyone's holiday.  They can't have that much power over us.   It breaks my heart because my son and I have always been close but he is pushing us all away.    We can't change other people and all of you here have helped me the past few days to feel better about the situation.   I hope you are feeling better about yours.    

Pelagia,  she is from Long Island.  Is life so different there?  I have never known anyone so selfish and self-centered.   You are nothing like that.  You are full of so much love and compassion for all of us.   

Thanks G-Ma.  I think we are related.  You should be my sister!  I heard your words and am listening. I promise