Ungrateful Family.....I'm sick & tired!!!

[rookiegirl]

I know this is the place for one to  about anything.  Well, I really and truly need it.  So please, bare with me.  Here it goes:

I'm the oldest of 6 kids, our ages are (38, 36, 34, 32, 26, 25).  For the last 19 years, I've kept the Holidays Tradition of opening my home to all of them.  Both my husband and I slave for 2 days around Thanksgiving & Christmas to provide for the whole family.  Each year after everyone leaves and go their own separate ways, I feel so un-appreciated and taken for granted.  Each year I tell myself, this is it I will not do it next year.  But each year I'm a sucker for continuing the tradition that I thought I was doing a huge favor for the whole family.  Each year I get so depressed, angry and cry my heart out until I get a huge headache and start to feel sick.  Well, I'm feeling it right now.  Again I said to myself, next year I will not do it again.

The reason why I started the tradition of providing for my siblings & their family started 19 years ago when I got married and left my mother's house.  My brothers/sisters where so young whom I raised myself.  We didn't have a supportive loving parents.  We had to fend for ourselves and I took it upon myself to help provide for my siblings.  Make sure they take their baths, comb their hair, have clean clothes to wear, do their homework, make sure they are fed and have a clean house to live in.  So when I got married, I wanted my siblings to have a place where they can go for the Holidays.  So that is where it all started.  But each passing years, I felt more and more unappreciated.  No thank yous, no offers, no contribution, no nothing.  Once they leave the house, I don't hear from them for 6 months to 1 year until the next gathering.

I've had enough.  I don't want to do this again.  Why should I? They don't care?  They know I've been on dialysis for over a year and still I continue the tradition.  Even though, I'm dead tired from all the shopping, cleaning, cooking and cleaning again.  Not once do they offer to help.  All I get from them is an email 2-3 weeks before Thanksgiving or Christmas to ask "what time is dinner this year?".

I was hospitalize 2 weeks ago for 5 days because I had peritonitis and only one of them came to see me at the hospital.  The rest couldn't even pick up the phone to call me to see if I'm dead or alive.

So you see, what the HELL I'm I doing this for?  They are all grown now and are very ungrateful for what I continue to do each year.  I've had ENOUGH!!! No more!!!!  I'm done.  They are on their own.  I'm sick and tired of all of them.  I want to curse so bad right now and want to just scream and shake them to get a clue.  I will NOT and I told my husband to hold me accountable, next year I will not do it anymore.  This is the last year for the damn tradition which no one appreciate.

I can't understand life sometimes.  I thought I was doing someting good but the joke is on me.  I've been a fool all this time.  Maybe I was doing it for me?  Maybe I do the things I do to make up for what my parents didn't do for me?  Maybe I'm just totally naive about life and family in general.

Now, I'm trying to determine how to break the news to all of them that I'm no longer going to open my home for the Holidays.  I don't know if I should write a letter or send an email to let them know how I truly feel.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want to shut them out completely.  I just don't want to do all the cooking/cleaning anymore.

Sorry for the long rant.  I really had to share it with someone other than my husband.

Thanks,
RG






EDITED: Moved to Proper Section - Sluff/Admin

[nursewratchet]

Send an email to all of them.  Say you won't be doing it anymore, and ask who will take over.  Ask them to let you know "what time dinner will be" and where to go.  You've taught them well, they should surely know how to have a holiday meal...  Stick to your guns, it's your turn to be taken care of... Good Luck!

[donnia]

I am sorry you have gone through this.  You are much more patient than I would ever have been! 

I totally agree with nursewratchet ... but I think I would add that we are starting a new traditon next year.... it is called compassion... and make them all look it up 

Oh... and this is for you ....

[monrein]

RG.  You need to let them know how you feel about this but without provoking guilt.  We often teach other people how to treat us by not voicing our feelings or asking for help as the  need arises.  They are clearly under the impression that you have enjoyed the traditions you created and although it would be nice if others returned consideration and appreciation for our efforts, often this does not happen.  Taking others for granted is what often happens when people are clearly capable and do things well, making it seem easy.  Resentment like yours (completely justified by the way) then grows.
Don't expect them to read your mind and know your feelings.  Tell them that you have enjoyed this in the past but now you need to shift things a bit and don't hesitate to let them know that dialysis makes people feel a good number of years older and more tired than their real age.  Offer to contribute to the Christmas gathering but explain that you cannot do it all.  Ask who wants to do what and who is willing to host it at their place.
Martyrdom is overrated and by passing the torch you will in fact be helping them to grow up.

I'm not sure they don't care about you.  I don't know them.  But it could be that they see you as strong and magical, in other words, like a mother and the experience of being so well nurtured by you at holiday time causes them to revert to being children.  Don't think the worst of them but do think of yourself and help them to see that life cannot always be a one way street.
 

Get your husband to help you in asking for changes to the traditions.

[twirl]

tell them the truth
I did all the holidays for years
we paid for everything
and we were in a bind, Missy was born very sick, I had to stay home with her and we had two other children and my mother was dying and we were losing our home -
 huge medical bills - it would cost more for a nurse than I made teaching
my husband was teaching -coaching and had a job driving a bread truck on Sundays
and I still paid for everything - if one of my sisters brought something -- it was nothing to replace a vegetable or what I needed to complete the meal
one year I asked if they could contribute 5.00 or anything and that was the last year everyone came to my house
it made my brother-in-law very angry
so now, we have holidays at Stasie's - my oldest daughters and we bring a large amount of the food- they grew up with their favorites and still want them
and Missy has one lung but is very healthy for now, she has PKD
I just told them I could not do it anymore
I hope it works out for you
it is so much work
and then they leave
and there is still so much more work

[petey]

I agree with monrein's advice.  Volunteer to "help" -- tell them to let you know when and where the gathering will be next time; then, bring a dish along and YOU enjoy the time with them.  Say, "I just can't do it anymore because of my dialysis.  Who's going to step up and take over?"  If no one does, then it obviously didn't mean as much to them as it did to you.  In that case, start a new tradition with your husband and your immediate family.

[okarol]

I feel your pain Rookiegirl!

My grandmother hosted Christmas all our lives. When she died we tried to keep it together. But my mom didn't want to or couldn't so we tried taking turns. That didn't really work either so I have had dinner here at our home the last few years. But no one can commit, leaving me hanging about who is coming. It's a great deal of work and since my younger sister moved to Wisconsin, I feel like this is the year I am NOT going to do it anymore.
If they want to get together, maybe they will invite us.
If not, fine, I will cook for my husband and kids and stay home. That would be good too!

You took the role as matriarch and they took the role of children. It's time you gave yourself a break.
I agree with the others, tell them you are not able to host this year. Simplify your life and enjoy the holiday with people you want to spend time with.
I know it's hard to make a change! I am going to try. I will be interested to see how it works out for you too!

[G-Ma]

I feel your pain.  I have been there and that's when we decided years ago to "start" our own tradition with our own children and that worked best.  If we are in ND we go to someones house for the holiday but I gave up long ago doing it on my own.  This Thanksgiving my oldest son and his wife brought almost everything to my house which we enjoyed and Saul and I are hosting a family Pre Christmas and he wants to take us out so I don't have to cook but I may just order from somewhere so we can eat at home and all enjoy and then the kids can all do their other family things on Christmas.  We actually started the pre Christmas when we had several Foster children and they didn't want to have Christmas without us but had to go to their homes.  Everyone gave you good advice.  I think Monrein said it best.  Just feel good about yourself and the decision you make.  Everyone will understand and if not that's their problem, not your's.
Ann

[jbeany]

Whatever you do, you may not feel guilty for stopping all that stress and work!  Tell them you can't do it anymore.  Tell them it was important to you, but it's just too much when you are sick.  If no one steps up, then it's time to let it go.  I've cut back on a lot of things, and I found out that simpler can actually be better.  I don't decorate much; I don't buy or make a lot of gifts anymore.  I do go a bit mad with homemade cinnamon rolls, but even that has cut back from an all day project to something that takes a few hours.  I make 3 kinds of cookies, not a dozen, and one kind of fudge, not 3.  Funny, no one seems to mind as long as they get a taste.  You can do it too - cut the apron strings and stop all the effort!

Have you considered, when they e-mail this year for a dinner time, answering "XXX Restaurant, 6:00, Dec 23, separate checks."  You would still get to be together, but no cooking and cleaning involved. . .

[boxman55]

I say copy your rant above and e-mail it to them all. They can handle it and they will know how you really feel. That's just me. ...Boxman

[rookiegirl]

Thank you all for taking the time to read my rant and providing me great advice.  You guys made me feel so much better about myself.  I've been feeling so much guilt and beating myself to think how selfish of me.  I'm so glad that others here have been in my shoes and completely understand where I'm coming from.

I'm going to definitely let them know how I truly feel and it's time for them to grow up and learn to appreciate things in life.  I've heard the saying, you don't learn to appreciate anything until it's gone.  I hope this still holds true.

I'm going to send them an email because I think this is the best for me.  I know I would get too emotional to have a face to face or phone conversation.  Plus, if I write it down, this is a sure way I can express my true feelings.

I just pray it won't back-fire on me where they just completely shut me out of their lives.  Again, thank you for your support.

[TynyWonder]

EVERYONE has offered wonderful advice and mine may not be much but you could e-mail them and put in the subject line NEW TRADITION!!! and ask them when & where for Christmas and what dish you need to bring and also (just another suggestion) tell them that you want to add something else too this "new tradition" ask everyone (or maybe just 1 person) to bring a board game.......... that *might* make it a little easier for them to take you news    Please do let us know what you decide to do and how it turns out AND STAND YOUR GROUND!!!!   I think you will feel "empowered" once you have told them all you feel you need to say!    GOOD LUCK!  

[Rerun]

My advice is probably too late, but I would just send out an email saying "Christmas has been canceled"  Put down that Thanksgiving did you in and with your health situation you need to take care of yourself "Doctors Orders" (white lie).  You have your husband and you may spend a few holidays by yourselves but things will work out. 

My Mom and Dad are both gone but the family that is still speaking (a few) get together and we all contribute either money or a dish of something or both.  I'm by myself so I usually latch on to someone but I hope I pay my way by showing up early to help, bringing a dish or two and helping clean up.  The bonus of having the meal is keeping the left overs.  I usually go home with a little something but not near what they get to keep! 

                                         

[Sunny]

I have the opposite problem.
My mother and mother-in-law are practically obsessive about retaining the celebrations at their houses. When my mother finally admitted she didn't want to cook anything but the turkey but still have it at her house, we were able to resolve the issue by agreeing to "pot-luck" everthing else. Each family member is in charge of bringing something. That works out really good and then we also set up a clean-up crew. This has made us all feel important because now we are all contributing in some way.
On the other hand, for my mother-in-law celebrations, she finally has let us bring a dish, but is a tyrant about how and what it is. Then one of her son's agreed to take on hostessing Thanksgiving the last few years and won't give it up to others even when I offer. At his get together I feel lucky when I get to bring the green salad. It is so frustrating. I would love to have the chance to hostess a holiday on a rotating basis with pot -luck type of help and the clean up crew. I never get the chance. People think they are doing me a favor because I have kidney disease and are afraid it's too much for me. Well, if I had to do it every holiday, like you, it would be too much. But once every other year I would love to.
I'm just saying, maybe they don't know how you feel. Maybe they think you like doing it all. I suggest you first bring up the idea of rotating, pot-luck, and clean up crew events. Don't get mad yet. You don't want to cause a rift with your beloved family. Is it possible they are like me, and would love to have the chance but don't get the chance.

[rookiegirl]

I sent an email to all my brothers & sisters titled "Good things comes to an end...".  So far, I received one response from my sister and just want to share what she said:

"First I want to say that we are all blessed to have been able to carry on this tradition for so many years.  I think it would be selfish of me to be mad or disappointed that the holidays at the Jones house is ending.  You have always put family first, so I know this is a hard thing for you to say.  None of us can truly understand how hard it must be for you to pull together a meal such as this because for the most part, none of us have attempted to.  I understand that it is physically and mentally demanding on you and Marty.  I think you deserve a break from it all.  Now you can concentrate on your health, your children, and your husband during the holidays.  Jay and I were planning on celebrating our first Christmas in our own house anyway.  I am excited about decorating my own hose, and watching movies and in general RELAXING!  You and Marty deserve this too.  I think we forget of all the preperations that take place before we even set foot in your house.  Let alone all the cleanup that takes place after we leave.  It isn't fair to you or Marty to expect this year after year after year.
 
We should all start our own "traditions" and never expect old ways to carry on forever.  I must say that I have enjoyed all of the times we've had.  You should feel honored that you were able to hold us tight in your hands for so long.  It's okay to let go Mary.  We can all take those shaky and uncertain steps on our own.  We can all stand on our own two feet because of you.  Thank you for bringing us so close together.  I pray that you all have a happy and safe holiday, wherever it may take you.  I love you all."

[Rerun]

That was nice except I kept waiting to read "If I can help you in anyway just call or You are always welcome at my house"

Sorry, I don't mean to stir the pot.  It was nice for a first eamil and I hope they get better.  At least they are starting to think.

                                           

[TynyWonder]

I think that was an OK e-mail, but what did YOU think of it, RG?

[rookiegirl]

I think that was an OK e-mail, but what did YOU think of it, RG?

I think I'm okay with it, but the negative person in me feels like a good bye and I'm never going to see them again.  I pray not.

[TynyWonder]

aaawww well, I sure hope not either, RG!   

[rose1999]

I think she was just trying to thank you for all you've done for them and say it's OK to change traditions.  Perhaps you can reply and say that you hope you will still be able to visit at other times of the year as you don't want to lose touch?  Perhaps you could all meet up at a hotel or somewhere for a family lunch on a special date once a year or something like that.  Yes it would have been nice if she'd said 'come to us this time' but perhaps she's seen how everyone has taken you for granted and doesn't want to be next  to have to do it year after year 
Let us know how it goes with the others, but know tat you have done the right thing as if things had gone on as they were you would have made yourself ill. 

[paris]

I'm  coming in on this a little late, but I think your sister's email was written well.  It would be like my children telling me it was ok not to work myself sick but thanking me for all the years I made the family event possible.   It is so hard to change things and I hate losing family traditions.  But, maybe it is time to make new memories.   We are starting to do thin.gs different.  I roast the turkey and make three sides and each family makes several sides and desserts. I use to make everything, but it is costly and really hard work.   We sent around a menu and everyone adds to it what they want to bring.   BUT, my new daughter-in-law saw the list and said "looks like everything is covered!"  and thought she didn't have to bring anything.  The ones with the most money bring the two dishes that weren't even really needed.  It was weird.   Ok, so it seems it is my turn to rant!!  Sorry.   Melissa's boyfriend brought a ham and a jello mold and he isn't officially family!   Families get strange at holidays.  I always go back to something Kitkatz said over a year ago " just because I can doesn't mean I should".   Your family thinks you can do it and lets you.  Maybe now they will understand how hard it is for you.   Next year,  I'll set two more places at my table!---You're just down the road and you can share my crazy family!     AND not cook or clean one thing!      You have been a wonderful sister and I am sure they all love you very much and appreciate all you have done for them.

[nursewratchet]

Great email!  I got tickled however at the part about het having Christmas at her house and "just relaxing"...that's quite the oxymoron.

[MiSSis]

We started a new "tradition" last year with my husband's family.  My father-in-law had passed away in August and my mother-in-law felt that it was just too hard for her to do everything on her own, without his help.  We'd always shared, bringing side dishes and ham and such, but they did all the early prep and house cleaning which we all know is such a pain.  Dan's brother and his wife hosted Thanksgiving last year and after two days of preparing, he drew Dan and their other brother aside (there are 3 boys in the family) and suggested that instead of a big meal, next time we'd order pizza.  It's not the food that matters, it's getting together and having a good time.  So for Christmas last year, my husband and I hosted the "pizza party".  We did serve a few snackies before hand while we figured out exactly how much pizza and what kind to order.  After eating we sat around and visited and played C-L-R.  A really easy game using special dice that even small children can play along with the adults.  We had a really fun time and practically no clean up!  Just bundled up the paper table cloth, along with the pizza boxes, paper plates and napkins.  No one ever said it had to be fancy and no one seemed to mind a bit.  Oh, I did splurge and bought Christmas paper plates and napkins just to make it a little more festive.    We're now talking about alternatives to pizza for those of us with diet restrictions and we're thinking of a Subway sandwich platter next time.  Still easy and less fuss and muss.

[jbeany]

Hey, I had Thanksgiving lasagna - Christmas pizza sounds just fine to me!

[Lori1851]

I think your sisters letter was nice. She loves you and thank goodness you stood up for YOU!!!!! My son was on dialysis 16 mths I know what he went through. You deserve this! They will not shun you or forget you.

Hugs,
LoriIndiana