Hi Jayy I get you, took me to get to 'the point' too. Just thinking about the times of infiltrations by other people made me 'angry' enough, thinking of the realisation that the chance of living longer on D with a pretty good quality of life, concentrating on the needle, using Emla spray/creme made me do it. Oh and I took some Diazepam
Just feel the fistula (where it's going, how deep and thick it is) and concentrate on how and at which angle you're going to stick it in.
You can do it, get to the point, and smash it, and you'll feel brilliant for it.
Good luck my friend, let us know how you get on.
Lots of love, Cas