A Bad Day

[smartcookie]

I made a minor mistake the other day regarding a patient's transportation.  We were able to make other accommodations for the patient, but his wife is very upset and refuses to accept the accommodations.  With the way she talked, you would think that I pushed her husband into traffic in a wheelchair or something.  I have never in my life wanted to tell someone what I really think of her like I did today.  I stayed professional, but this woman is something else.  To be quite frank, she is a bully.  She has been since her husband started and she blames it all on the clinic.  I have worked with dementia patients, mentally ill patients, drug addicted patients, but never have I met someone who is so unwilling to accept change and insist that everything done according to her preferences.  Her husband is the sweetest, most laid back person.  I have no idea how he puts up with her.  I have been nothing but nice and accommodating to her, and she calls me a liar.  I try my very best at my job, but things just have not been that great recently.  I have considered finding something different, maybe going back to hospice work.  I dunno.  I just don't understand why people are so rude sometimes.   

[iolaire]

I just don't understand why people are so rude sometimes.

I feel for you, sorry you are having to help out someone with an uncivil partner.  I feel for those of you in the medical field as you have to deal with everyone.














Sp mod Cas

[MooseMom]

Oh, smartcookie, I am so sorry to hear this.  It must have been very hurtful.

More often than not, people behave unreasonably for a reason.  While there is no excuse for this woman to act this way, there may well be an explanation.  For how long has her husband been on dialysis?  Perhaps you are correct in your assessment; maybe she IS particularly resistant to change, and having a spouse become ill enough to require dialysis can be very life changing.  Maybe "change" is too frightening for her.  And maybe she is so insistent on having things done her way because she feels like her life with her husband is spiraling out of control.  Is that possible?

Do you/your clinic ever offer any sort of support for spouses?  Is it possible for you  to have a word with her and see if there is any way you can help her as the spouse of a patient?  I can understand it if you wouldn't want to go near her unless absolutely necessary.  Do you think she might react positively to a word of kindness?

It sounds to me like you do a very good job, and I for one would be very sad to see you leave the dialysis world.  Dialysis patients need more people like you in their corner.

[kickingandscreaming]

I go for the "spiraling out of control" explanation.  But of course, no one (except the wife---maybe) knows what's going on for her.   Some people are just control freaks, and maybe she's one of them.  I'm sorry you have to work in a situation where there is "bad blood."  That makes life harder.  Carry on.

[Charlie B53]

K&S nailed it.  Control Freak.  Some people have had an experience earlier in life that marked them so deeply that they feel like they have to totally control everyone possible.  They must be the Boss.

There will come a day when she will run into a person that will recognize her for the bully that she is, and in no uncertain terms spell it out to her and put her in her place.

It will be a very rude awakening.

[Cupcake]

Is that wife an older lady? Sometimes people with early dementia freak out with little things because they fear they'll get confused. That poor man to live with that beast in any case.

[Michael Murphy]

There is a adage I firmly believe in.  The only people who don’t make mistakes are those who do. Nothing.

[smartcookie]

This lady is in her late 50's.  And this wasn't a freak out thing... He has been with us for about 6 months and she is like this about everything.  We walk on eggshells around her.  I have heard that she is just not a very nice person in life period.  I don't know about her past or what was done to her, but regardless of that, I think she is just mean spirited.  She thrives on stress.  I think I am just going to avoid her as much as possible.
I just needed to vent because it feels like everything is so precarious at work for me (I am sure I am being overdramatic, though).  We have a new manager and communication is poor right now.  I don't think I will actually change jobs, but sometimes it is nice to daydream about starting over.  I am burned out and a bit depressed, but have a week off next week with nothing to do but family stuff for Christmas.  I hope I can recharge and get some good rest in. 
   

[Simon Dog]

I have considered finding something different, maybe going back to hospice work.

I assume you would like to transfer her to hospice 

[GA_DAWG]

I can sympathize with you. Too many times I see patients take out their anger and frustration on the techs and nurses at our facility. I always felt we had a very good group of nurses and techs, and after reading of some of the actions at other clinics, I know it for a fact now. I see them yelled at because a patient cramps after being 5 or 6 Kgs over dry weight. I see them screamed at because everyone wants to be the first off the machine, and by some who want off early right in the middle of those who have run their full time. I see patients lie to doctors rhat they do not know why the tech turned them down or took them off early, knowing full well it was because they asked the tech to do so. It might seem we have a really bad crowd, but in reality it is 4 or 5 who do all of this. That is not to mention the ones who bring a full meal, then get sick or decide to chew tobacco and then get sick.

[Michael Murphy]

Now it’s my turn to vent. After I have bee in dialysis for 5 years I am getting tired of the primadonna patients and their families who think their needs go in front of every other patient.  They have to be on first, off first, their needs mean they have to be treated despite another patient being in trouble.  These people make a difficult treatment more difficult.  If the patient next to me is late getting on. For any reason I have to listen to him complain for 4 hours.  I should go on before him he’s a 4 hour patient and I am a 4.5 hour patient but his constant loud complaining drove me to have the charge nurse switch starting times.  More difficult for me but I don’t have to listen to his whining.  I wish there was a clinic for the people who feel entitled.  And I wish family members were banned from the floor, I have over the years been interrupted by some moron coming over and demanding  my nurses attention after the process of hooking me up has started.  Now I simply tell the moron off and demand they leave the floor. Either way it’s upsetting. 

[smartcookie]

While tempting, Simon Dog, I would not wish that on anyone.  More drama with this lady today, but I am not going to go into detail due to confidentiality.  I am heartsick over this because no one has ever brought into question my ethics before.  I work as hard as I can and put my heart and soul in what I do.  I take my work home, pray for my patients and cry when they are hurting.  I do everything to the upmost of my ability, but sometimes I fail.  Sometimes there is too much work and not enough hours.  Sometimes there is no solution.  Sometimes I just mess up.  Sometimes I am not given all the information and have to do the best I can with what I have.  This lady has no idea what is going on in my personal life.  She does not know that I am a person.  That I am dealing with depression.  That the thing I want most in this world my body won't give me.  Instead she twists my words and lies to my manager about me.  As soon as I get off, I am going to my mom's house to cry.  Ugly cry.  But I will be back tomorrow and will hand out the Christmas dinners and patient gifts like I did today.  I will smile and tell the patients I appreciate them.  I will be thankful for my job and try not to think about that woman any more. 

[kickingandscreaming]

It's very hard to feel un- and under-appreciated.  I'm sorry you are in one of those perfect storm periods where personal and professional both gang up on you. I hope there's light coming soon.

[Michael Murphy]

Talk to your manager, tell him or her in no uncertain terms the abuse this women I’d dropping on you.  If she is competent she will provide help.  If she does not escalate your problem,  if you can’t get any help start looking for a job.  The first task of any manager is to protect the employees.  People make mistakes it’s a fact of life, good employees are people who recognize their mistakes take steps to fix them and own their mistakes.  If you want employees that don’t make mistakes you hire idiots who don’t do anything.  Please destress and find someone in the clinic to talk to.
Modified it to change distress to the intended destress.

[PrimeTimer]

I'm willing to bet that this woman is a repeat offender and has had previous run-ins with medical staff or other people and feels everybody is out to do her wrong. Tell her to shut her pie hole. Well, maybe not to her face but write it down on a piece of paper and then throw (her) away. You're a professional. Sounds like you take your job very seriously while going above and beyond to care for your patients. This little situation is no BFD but this lady, who obviously thinks of herself as a BFD has gotten to you. You let her do it. Don't! Have your cry, release and enjoy the holidays and the baby-planning. When you get back to work, get back to the business of being who you are; a Social Worker who looks out and cares for her patients. You can't change that lady and please sure as heck don't let her change YOU! Chin up, walk softly, carry a big stick. No good deed goes unpunished...  Pick out one of your kind patients and let them know how great it is to have them around. Do that in effort to bury the ugliness of the rude one and you will feel better. And then finally, if you believe in positive affirmations, buy yourself some fresh flowers and fill out a little card to yourself saying "Job Well Done!" 

[kristina]

Hello smartcookie, I agree with PrimeTimer and would not be surprised if there is even a long history of previous run-ins with people and medical staff. Please don't take her behaviour to your heart because some people try ever so hard to blame the whole world for their own bad luck-story and you just happened to be at the wrong time at the wrong place.
Best wishes and better luck in the future from Kristina.

[kristina]

Now it’s my turn to vent. After I have bee in dialysis for 5 years I am getting tired of the primadonna patients and their families who think their needs go in front of every other patient.  They have to be on first, off first, their needs mean they have to be treated despite another patient being in trouble.  These people make a difficult treatment more difficult.  If the patient next to me is late getting on. For any reason I have to listen to him complain for 4 hours.  I should go on before him he’s a 4 hour patient and I am a 4.5 hour patient but his constant loud complaining drove me to have the charge nurse switch starting times.  More difficult for me but I don’t have to listen to his whining.  I wish there was a clinic for the people who feel entitled.  And I wish family members were banned from the floor, I have over the years been interrupted by some moron coming over and demanding  my nurses attention after the process of hooking me up has started.  Now I simply tell the moron off and demand they leave the floor. Either way it’s upsetting.

Hello Michael, I feel very sorry for what you have to go through with these primadonna-patients in your dialysis-unit and I really feel for you! 
I do hope, there is a positive way forward soon for you and hopefully you have a chance to feel better soon.
I sent you my heartfelt best wishes from Kristina.

[iolaire]

Now it’s my turn to vent.

This sounds exactly why people who can go on home HD...

@smartcookie I do hope you are getting support from your supervisor and co-workers.  Regardless please take care of you personally, no job sounds worth the stress you describe especially if you have the ability to move centers or employers...

[MooseMom]

PrimeTimer nailed it!! 

[smartcookie]

Thanks, everyone!  I am emailing my manager now for an appointment.  I enjoy our little corner of the internet and love the support we provide patients and professionals!  I am feeling better today and have hope that everything can work out.  I just needed that vent! 

And Michael, I know exactly what you mean.  There is a difference in wanting good quality care and demanding that you be served before and treated better than everyone else.  I applaud you standing up for yourself and putting those people in their place! 

[Simon Dog]

I wish there was a clinic for the people who feel entitled.

There was - it was called Dialyspa and run by (I think) DaVita.  Higher end accommodations for those willing to pay a monthly fee on top of the normal dialysis service fee.  I think it shut down due to a lack of customers.

[PrimeTimer]

  Glad you feel better, smartcookie. Remember baby, you were born to be a social worker! In all seriousness tho, glad you came here and trusted us enough to lean on us a little and then let us give you ideas on what to do about the situation. That is what this site is about; friendship and support. You GO, Girl!

[Charlie B53]

Since I am a 'Guy' I do not understand how crying could help you feel better.

I would be more angry at the woman,, but I would control my anger into constructive action, as in having that nice chat with your Manager to figure out a better method of dealing with the troublesome lady.

On a side note.  This would be a good time for that anger/stress relief I saw on the news.  A room with a fully decorated Christmas tree and a baseball batt.  You pay something like $20 and take out all your anger/frustration swinging the bat and destroying the ornaments.  Physically, I couldn't do it.  But I don't doubt that some may really enjoy it!

Venting alone doesn't always relieve anger and frustration.  Sometimes you need a bit of physical effort to really let it all out before you can fully relax and proceed in a constructive manner.

[smartcookie]

My husband is the same way, Charlie.  At dinner last night, he was giving me pointers on how to deal with the situation, but I probably shouldn't use any of them if I want to keep my job!     It just bothers him to see me cry and be upset.  Crying is a release of the emotion for me.  It gives me a chance to have a little pity party and then move on.  I think clearer after I cry for some reason.  I had yesterday off, so I did some hair therapy and dyed my hair from blonde to dark brown!  It is so nice to have someone do your hair and feel new again!  My meeting with my manager is supposed to be today.  She isn't here yet, so we will see! 

[MooseMom]

Crying is like lancing a boil.  You have to get rid of the poisonous stuff and then start anew so that the problem can be effectively dealt with.

I hope your meeting goes well.  Please let us know, OK?