Bob's Blog 6-7-14: Friends, Family, Needle Stickers

Bob Here.

Much as I like doing home hemodialysis...

Wait. Did I actually just say that??

Let me try again.

Much as I prefer doing home hemodialysis to being treated in-center, the one aspect of in-center treatments that I do miss is the interactions and relationships with the nurses and attendants.

I mean, let's face it, when you do four-hour treatments three times a week, you're around these people an awful lot. Outside of family and co-workers, they're probably the closest people in your lives. And, if we had to be completely honest, sometimes they actually beat out the other two categories.

Plus, when you're having a treatment, you are the definition of a "captive audience." If someone's getting on your nerves, you can't very well just leave the room to cool off, or hit the fridge for another beer. You're stuck there, so a lot of times, you end up working your issues out before they're allowed to fester.

So, I definitely ended up my in-center life with a lot of close relationships. And I daresay that most of the people I encountered felt close to me as well. This despite my proclivity to spout off, tell stupid jokes, say things that were completely inappropriate, and be a part of various airhead antics that would cause someone who didn't know me to question whether my pigeons had truly flown the coop.

A lot of times, in-center patients are on a regular schedule and have the same attendant every time. As you might imagine, it's pretty easy to build a bond under those circumstances, with the large amount of time you're together and the fact that these nice folks are responsible for keeping you alive.

I was able to develop a pretty healthy repartee with most of my regular attendants over the years, as they would all eventually come to realize that the best way to deal with the fact that their patient was a terminal smart ass was to give it right back to him.

And then some.

When I went on the first shift (mornings), I had a regular attendant who was really good at her job, but didn't seem to get my sense of humor.

She would say something like, "Are you ready for your heparin?"

And I would reply, "Yes. Did you hear about the bear who walked into a bar and said, 'Can I please have a .....................................beer?' The bartender says, 'What's with the big pause?'"

She would just look at me doubtfully and go about her business.

Of course, I saw this as a challenge. I was going to get this girl laughing or die trying.

So to speak.

So, another time early on, she had started my treatment, everything was going fine and she was entering data into the computer next to my chair.

I said, "Heard any good jokes lately?"

She said, "No Bob. I take care of you. Remember?"

I thought, Ah, there's hope for this one yet.

Later that same day, I said, "So this guy's sitting at home watching TV, right? He hears a knock at his door and when he opens it, there's a snail there. The snail says, 'Got any pizza?' The guy gets mad and kicks the snail away. Thirty years later he hears a knock at his door, he opens it and it's the snail, and the snail says, 'What'd you do that for?'"

She laughed a little, but then she walked away saying, "Still haven't heard any good jokes Bob..."

A few days later she was bleaching off my machine.

I said, "Hey, be careful with that bleach. If it gets on my clothes it'll cause these white spots."

She didn't say anything, just kept on working.

I said, "Well, I don't want to look like a bum, you know?"

She just looked at me sweetly and said, "Oh, you don't have to worry about that Bob."

I looked pleased, assuming she meant it as a compliment.

Then as she walked off, she turned toward me and said, "You already look like a bum."

I laughed and thought, Okay, now we're getting someplace.

We got to the point where we would have some serious conversations, some not so serious, but she came to understand when I was zooming her and she got real good at zooming me back.

One day, I was actually minding my own business reading a book.

My attendant says, "So Bob, this guy's in a psychiatrist's office and he says, 'Doc, I got a problem, I think I'm a bell.' The doctor says, 'Take two of these and give me a ring.'"

I sat looking at her in shock. Then I just cracked up.

When I stopped laughing I said, "You've definitely been hanging around me too long."

When I was on third shift I had a regular guy for a while. He showed me right away that he could be every bit as sarcastic and inane as I could.

When he first started treating me, he began by asking some baseline questions, which, of course, caused my sarcastic side to come raging forward.

"So," he said, "how's everything going in your dialysis treatments?"

I said, "Well...okay I guess. But they could be a little longer, you know?"

"Longer?"

"Yeah. Just four hours? It seems like I'm just getting started and it's over already. Also, I don’t think the needles are quite long enough. Do you have any longer needles? Maybe with a little wider gauge?"

"Hmmm. Okay, I'll see what I can do."

"Yeah, thanks. And while you're at it, can you talk to the dietician about tightening up the dietary restrictions? I think they're a little too liberal. Heck, there must be at least three or four foods left that I'm allowed to eat. Just ask her if she can narrow that down a little more huh?"

He just smiled and nodded.

"And, I don't know if you can manage to toss in a few more side effects. I mean the pain, cramping, itching, nausea, fainting, vomiting...it's all pretty limited. See what you can do about that, willya?"

He said, "Sure, I'll get right on it."

Of course, the very next chance he got, he gave me some of my own medicine. It might even have been that same day.

He came walking in my direction holding a syringe the size of a bazooka.

I said, "Whoa, be careful. That thing might go off."

"What?"

"What are you going to do with that? You look like you're preparing a pre-emptive strike on Fort Worth. Ha ha ha...."

He said, "So, Bob."

"Yeah?"

Do you think you can manage to step up the obnoxious behavior some?"

"Huh?"

"You know. Tell a few more sick jokes. Act rude a little more. Don't give me quite so many straight answers. Toss in a few more childish pranks. That sort of thing?"

I was just looking at him and, to his credit, he kept a perfectly straight face. Then I just started laughing.

"I'll see what I can do."

He laughed. "Thanks on behalf of the entire staff."

"Sure thing."

Many of the nurses I've encountered over the years had no problem going toe-to-toe whenever I got out of line.

One of the nurses in the first facility that I used many moons ago came over to check my readings. She was just working away, minding her own business.

"Did you hear what the nurse said when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?" I asked.

She just looked at me warily. "No, what?"

"Damn, some asshole has my pen."

She just snorted a laugh and then walked away.

As the treatment was concluding, she walked over.

"Okay Bob. Time to take your temperature," she said.

I held out my hand for one of the normal disposable strip thermometers that we were using.

She shakes a real glass thermometer in her hand. "Nope, I don't trust those little strips. Now down with the drawers and turn over. We'll get a real reading this time."

I felt the color drain out of my face. When I could find my voice, I said something like, "Are you serious?"

She just stood there expectantly.

It was like I was frozen in time, just sitting in my chair in a state of shock, completely slack-jawed.

Then I heard some laughing in the background. I looked up and realized the entire staff had been watching. They were trying to stay serious, but the discipline broke down and everybody started roaring.

Finally, the nurse started laughing too.

She said, "Boy, you should have seen the look on your face."

Then, I was laughing too. "I guess I deserved that one," I said.

She said, "Definitely."

Then I said, "I'm glad I didn't tell the one about the nurse and the penile implant."

She was still laughing as she walked away. "Maybe some other time," she said.

Overall, I got along great with the nurses and attendants over the years while I was in-center. It goes to show that if you have to spend a lot of time with someone, with a little give-and-take, you just might come to a pretty good mutual understanding.

Thanks for reading. Take care.