Dating

[deniferfer]

I'm normally very up beat about being on D. It doesn't bother me at all and I just look at challenges in my life and say BRING IT ON!! But just lately I have found I have been down about one thing and that's dating. I'm only 30 and I want to find a good guy to have a relationship with. I know, I have high standers for any man I date but I feel being on D has made it that much harder.  I find the guys I do talk to, can't see pass that I'm on D. I don't get it cuz to me its no big deal I just do things a little differently.  Yes its a part of me but not all of me! ya know? I went to some other sites and saw terms used like damaged goods or one of my favorites walking dead..OUCH!! WHAT THE H**L!? (So I got to wonder if this is what they think?) I don't think going to dating services are right place for me but to be honest I really don't know. I'm scarred and don't want to get hurt. I just think anyone that is going to be with me has to understand my world and not be bothered by it. If you have the same problem or any suggestions for me let know.   

[tiredandthirsty]

i am almost in the same boat as you.  31.  i used to be a superstar (not bragging here honestly) but now i don't even approach.  i feel guilty putting my problems in anybody else's basket.  i get questions like "i have no right to ruin her life by burdening her with myself" in my mind all the time.  the thing that worries me most is, she will not realize the depth of the situation, jump in, freak out once she finds out the deeper things, and run away.  that's my first instinct whenever i talk to a girl.  hang in there.  there are people out there as you can probably tell from the people here at IHD.  i guess you just have to keep trying. 

[Rain]

Keep trying.  I did meet my boyfriend before kidney failure but I  knew I would one day need to be on dialysis.   One night a laid all my cards on the table cause I knew he was the one and told him my health problems and everything.  He did need time to think but he wanted to stay together.  When my kidneys did fail he couldn't deal with it and we did breakup but then he apologized and we've been together ever since.  Blood makes him sick so he doesn't go to my treatments but he has taken me to doctor appts and to the ER.  And he is great at raising my blood pressure when it's low and I don't feel good. 

[gothiclovemonkey]

I actually have some experience here LOL

Im 28 now, and ive been doing this dialysis crap for 5 years already, and ive had my share of bfs who turned out not so grand.
I had one who wanted to date me but didnt want the responcibility of being with a sick person, (ya i dont quite understand THAT either but i broke up with him for other reasons, besides that) I had others similar to that, cant date because your sick, you cant have my babies, etc, etc, etc.

I went through the whole, Well I dont want to put all my issues on them, or i dont want them to go through losing me if i die, all that has gone through my head, UNTIL one of my friends said to me, "Dont you think that should be their choice? maybe they think you are worth that." And they are somewhat correct there.

Now, I had given up after the last two i dated turned out to be complete psychopaths. And I am not kidding when I say psychopaths, they were freaking psychopaths, who belong in some type of institution!

I was playing some games on a site called myyearbook.com, and some really cute dude messaged me, so we started talking. We have been together since november, and planning on moving with each other this summer. He knows i get sick, and hes great about it. Sometimes I still worry that he will get fed up if i cant do everything I wish I could do, but he says he understands.

Now i must say though, adding to my dating issue,i am also a single mother, whbich just made it that much harder to find someone. But, if you stop looking he or she may come along. Thats what happened to me. I was done with men, i only talked to him because I was bored, and he was funny. I figured id gain a new friend, but we totally hit it off.

Dont let this get you down, if its meant to be it will be. some people arent complete jerks.
I think Not dating someone due to something that isnt their fault is pretty dumb... Its all about personality baby

[KarenInWA]

I was only on dialysis for 7 months, but I did not date in that time. I had such bad luck with dating when I was "healthy", that I have now pretty much given up on it. My thought is, if men didn't like me before ESRD, they sure as hell won't like me after! Now that I have a transplant, I am afraid to date because I am afraid of the icky "hook-up" "culture" that is out there. From what I can tell, a lot of guys expect sex on a first date, and sorry, I'm just not into that, especially while I'm on immunosuppressants. So, for me, I just find it easier to not bother with dating, especially since the men I date tend to expect me to deal with all their drama. Thank you, I have enough of that in my life! I didnt always feel this way, but after being burned one too many times, I have decided that I'm done. The kind of man I want does not exist in my geographical area. I will not waste my time on anyone who is less then that, and around here, that is all there is. Maybe I'm too bitter, but I just figure that now, when it comes to "dating" I can't be bothered.

KarenInWA

[adairpete]

I was in the same boat, too.  When I moved to the city I'm now in (pre-D), I wanted to start dating, but wasn't sure of the reception I'd receive.  I decided that I would be totally up-front with anyone I met.  I did meet someone (through craigslist of all places) and I told him on our very first date that I had "kidney issues," which would require a transplant at some point in my life.  Exactly 2 months after we first met, he was taking me to the hospital to have laser lithotripsy on a kidney stone!  I was sure that would have scared him off and I took him to my neph appointment so he could hear for himself from the doc what was going on.  About a year and a half later the real roller-coaster ride started when I was on dialysis (and hemo did not go well for me!).  However, about a month into dialysis he proposed and last June we were married. 
I guess my advice would echo gothiclovemonkey that there are people out there who will think you are "worth the trouble!" Also, it's been my experience that everyone is dealing with something in their lives.  We have health issues, others may have other types of issues, but no one is perfectly normal in this world.  When I was in therapy and expressed my worries over scaring suitors off with my health issues she told me that anyone who is willing to dump you because things get (are) rough means that you don't want them anyway.  There are no guarantees that life wouldn't get rough even if you were perfectly healthy and you'd like a partner with a strong backbone for whatever happens in life. 
I guess my advice would be to not give up, but maybe take a break now and then if it starts to seem too stressful.  Who knows, you might even meet someone when you're not even looking! 

Good luck and best wishes!
Carolyn

[Annig83]

Honestly, I think the message here is that D is going to be a part of your life, but it's NOT your whole life.  If someone can't get passed that then they're not worth it. 

My boyfriend knew I was sick way before we even started dating, but I just explained what my condition was and left it at that.  When I got pregnant, and my kidneys completely failed, it still wasn't the only topic of conversation...obviously   When we do talk about it, I remind him he's my boyfriend, not my caregiver, nurse, or doctor... but he is my support and I love him for that.

[becauseican]

I am not on dialysis and I know its not quite the same as it would be coming from a guy, but I have chosen to enter a relationship with someone who is on dialysis. I don't really see the D as a factor that would make me leave him and it definately didn't make me not want to be with him. Eventually you will find someone who loves you for you and the D won't matter to them. I hope that you arn't discouraged by the men that you have found previously. There are some good ones out there. Good luck with your hunt.

[noahvale]

^

[deniferfer]

Hey guys, I know its been awhile and I really meant to get back to my post on here. Thanks for all your support and kind words. I going to let you in on a secret of mine and that have yet to even get my 1st kiss. I do know part of the reason I put finding someone on the back burner my health came 1st in my eyes. I was ok with that and lived with it... But just lately I have wanted to find that person to love me for me.

But just finding the world of dating at 30 is a lot harder than at 17 kinda thing. Its like being a teenager all over again!! You remember all those awkward moments? Yeah....... I'm living them now.    But I'm not going to give up anytime soon. I just tell myself I have a lot to offer and they I have to hang in there.

[Lillupie]

hi,
 I hope I can encourage most of you. Here is my experience/situation. I have been on D for 4.5 year and I am 29. I just got married to a wonderful man in December 2011! Him and I have known/been together for 2 years.
 Here is another twist. He is military. And I have a 6 year old daughter by another man! So now i Have been married for over 6 months and I have never lived with my husband, who is active duty in the military, for more then 2 weeks.

 So my poor husband deals with my dialysis issues, and my child's father wont let my daughter move out of state, so we cant live together! And he knew this before we got married!

[HSM]

Hey,

I know I'm a little late to the dance as the topic came up a few months ago, but I can relate to a lot of you too. I'm 27 myself and I know exactly what you mean. I think when you're thinking about your health, you don't even think about partners etc. I'm single myself and have been since 1837 lol. But I know that if people can't accept you for who you are, they're not worth knowing.

I get that too were people think me being on dialysis is a big deal, to me it's just another day. The way I see it is, I've got way too much positivity in me to worry about the negative, one day someone will see that I'm more than any illness or disease. Stay true to who you are and I know your Prince Charming will see past all that. I'm going to keep being my positive self and I know one day I'll catch some lucky lady's eye lol.

[MommyChick]

Hello,
Just wanted to give you all some hope if i can. I have been dealing with ESRD since I was 13. I have also been doing dialysis for the last 7 years. I'm 29 years old.
Back in 2005 I started to date this guy  shortly after my transplanted kidney start failed.  I thought for sure he wouldn't stick around.. I was ALWAYS in & out of hospitals, tons of operations & even in a coma due to my high BP.
Nothings seemed to be easy it was one struggle after another. But he stuck together thought it with me. Back in November 2009 we were married & October 2010 we were blessed with our son.
The right person is out there for you & will come along when the timing is right 
Think Positive !!
~ Marna

[MightyMike]

I'm another one with this problem.  I was married have a daughter.  My ex stayed through a year of dialysis and a transplant.   Things started to falter when my transplant began to fail and needless to say I'm divorced.  I was also with a girl for 4 years after my divorce and was engaged and she dumped me while I'm on dialysis.   I think what happens is people go in to relationships with us think they can deal with everything and eventually find out that this is going to be a life long ordeal for us and it scares them.  So now I'm 32 and I pretty much gave up like most if something comes along fine even though another relationship cares me because of the rejection because each time I put my heart out there and get crushed another piece of me seems to die. I wish for someone would come along and love me for me health and all and not worry about so much about my mortality.

[Chris]

I thought I replied to this one. These discussions seem familar or there have been similar post. The only benefit nowdays to date is to get medical personell off ones back with the usual question of "Do you have anyone with you, coming to see you" ect. blah blah blah and to do something with my married friends. I'm just use to doing things on my own that it would be to awkward now to date.

[AnnieB]

I don't date either, but I certainly understand how a person could feel it would be unfair to start a relationship with someone knowing that this was coming down the pike. True, there are some wonderful people out there who can deal with it (as evidenced by some of these posts), but I think many people are afraid to be around someone who has to deal with their own mortality on an ongoing basis. Most healthy people, in my experience, prefer to think of themselves as immortal. 

Anne

[Lexxtech18]

Same boat here! I'm 25 and have been on dialysis for 7 years. I never dated in highschool. Never had a boyfriend until I was 21 years old. He turned out to be... not so nice. Extremely abusive, in fact. In all aspects... sexually, physically, verbally, mentally, emotionally. It was a nightmare. Three months after my 2nd transplant he beat the crap out of me, I sent his ass to jail that night. Since then I've had boyfriends... none that really impressed me. They didin't last. None of them seemed to have any problems with my dialysis though. Except one. He was freaked out by my PD cath. It's okay though, I found out quick that he had a wife and kid anyway. 

Lately, I've been feeling a bit lonley, but I am so busy with dialysis and working full-time I don't really have time for a boyfriend. So, really I'm not avidly looking. Oh, I flirt with guys, I have no shame.  But nothing serious. It would be nice to find someone eventually, I always envisioned myself as married and adopting kids (as I can't have my own. Thanks CKD and CHF! >.>) I think good guys are out there, just few and far between. Especially in my generation. 

[RichardMEL]

I'm so sorry LexxTech18 (Lexx not named for the tv show by any chance? lol)... it upsets me to read your story - specially the guy who beat you up right after a tx?! that bloody well is criminal to a normal person, but to a fragile person with a special gift.... that makes me so angry it's right up there with people who do disgusting things to kittens and other innocent animals for kicks.

when I read of stories like yours, and others, I feel ashamed to be male... and I am also acutely aware that I myself could do better as a person (but then again my luck with relationships is pretty poor and I've never intentionally hurt anyone physically and hopefully not emotionally or otherwise).

I'm glad you're kind of in an ok place with it right now, but for myself I'm finding it a bit difficult (I mean the lonely part etc) and I don't even have D to freak people out with(for now, anyway) but I do have a big hard throbbing fistula that freaks the crap out of some.

blah

[Lexxtech18]

I'm so sorry LexxTech18 (Lexx not named for the tv show by any chance? lol)... it upsets me to read your story - specially the guy who beat you up right after a tx?! that bloody well is criminal to a normal person, but to a fragile person with a special gift.... that makes me so angry it's right up there with people who do disgusting things to kittens and other innocent animals for kicks.

when I read of stories like yours, and others, I feel ashamed to be male... and I am also acutely aware that I myself could do better as a person (but then again my luck with relationships is pretty poor and I've never intentionally hurt anyone physically and hopefully not emotionally or otherwise).

I'm glad you're kind of in an ok place with it right now, but for myself I'm finding it a bit difficult (I mean the lonely part etc) and I don't even have D to freak people out with(for now, anyway) but I do have a big hard throbbing fistula that freaks the crap out of some.

blah

Actually I was named after a fictional ice-skater. Alexis Winston in Ice Castles.  But I prefer Lexx, Lex, or Lexi.

Yes, it was a horrible relationship, but I got out pretty quick. Was with the a**hole for only a year. I was smart and lucky, many abusive relationships go on for much, much longer.

[gothiclovemonkey]

lexx, kudos for getting out so fast! It took me 3 years to realize i was better than that!

Richard, now I am thinking about your big hard throbbing fistula.... must you word things so well?


I was thinking about this, and I think that if my current relationship ends, I dont believe Ill actively date again, for a while anyway. I dont want to put my son through that again, and quite honestly, its soooo much easier being single. even on the lonley nights...

[Chris]

At what age does dating become I'm looking to settle?
Just wondering if I hit that point yet 

[CebuShan]

Don't know if you all even want to hear from me. I've been married for almost 28 years now.
Anyway, when I met my husband, I was not looking for a long term relationship. I was in my early 20's and all I wanted to do was go out and have fun! He also was NOT what I would have said was my type!   
What I'm trying to say is: Your perfect person is out there. Don't look so hard for them, though. That just puts pressure on you. I was looking for friends, many of which I still have. Then my husband came along out of the blue!
I wish I could play matchmaker for all of you because you are all special people that deserve nothing but the best!   
BTW: my husband & I have had to separate for financial reasons. He make a lousy $100 too much for me to get any help and the medical bills were sinking us. We decided to do it this way because if we had divorced, he would not have been able to keep me on his insurance. He's still and always will be the love of my life!

[Chris]

But, but, but I have to look hard! 

[Lexxtech18]

I'm only 25 and I feel like I'm ready to settle down. I just don't want to date!  I've never likes the whole "dating" part of a relationship. Mainly because I felt I was doing all the work. I'd love to just meet a guy and we instantly fall on love and live happily ever after! Lol but I know that's not realistic. *sigh*

[gothiclovemonkey]

damn disney making us believe that crap lol