short rant

[jadey]

So my cousin married this lady about 5 years ago and so technically she is my cousin in law right? Well my family likes her and accepted her. I give her kids presents every christmas. So last month when I got diagnosed with kidney failure, I told my family about it. Almost everyone sent me well wishes and has given me SOME type of support.

Now from this "cousin in law", I haven't got A SINGLE WORD FROM HER ever since my diagnosis. I started a thread of facebook with all my cousins in it.. I use it to update them about my status and condition. Everytime someone writes a message, everyone in the thread gets notified. So today I sent out a message talking about my process in looking for a transplant. I was having a discussion with one of my cousins who kept replying to the thread. Later today I noticed that she LEFT THE CONVERSATION, without a word. HOW RUDE IS THAT! Not a single word to wish me well and now she is giving off the impression that she doesn't give a f*ck!!!

I am not saying that I expect everyone to wish me well or anything...but if you are related to me.. not even a word shows me how heartless you can be. I've had aquaintances.. not even close friends, who came to visit me while I was in hospital. I am officially shutting this woman out of my life. I am no longer considering her as a cousin.

Anyone else here have "family" members who are worse than your own enemies?

Let me know!

janet

[jbeany]

Ah, jadey, just remember, whatever it is, it's about her hang-ups, not yours.  Some people just freak out when someone gets sick.  They don't know what to say, so they say nothing.    She may have lost someone to a serious illness before, and may be backing off because she doesn't want to have to grieve again if something goes wrong for you.  She may be one of those who goes into panic mode thinking she's going to be asked to donate.  Who knows? 

I had a friend who NEVER went to funerals.  She had people mad at her because she wouldn't ever go, even when someone like her best friend's mom died.  We finally dragged her reason out of her for not being there when her friends needed her most.  She was one of those people whose nervous reactions to uncomfortable situations was to giggle uncontrollably.  She stayed away because her giggling was such an inappropriate response during a eulogy.  Once she explained, no one expected her to go anymore, but she was so horribly embarrassed by it all, so she had never told anyone.

So what ever your cousin's reasons, don't let her actions - or lack of them - get under your skin.  It's her problem and she's losing out on your friendship because of it.

[Jean]

jbeany is spot on, as usual. Take her advice.

[glochis]

On the flip side, she could have been one who felt the need to tell you what you should be doing.  Believe me nothing is worse than a "know it all" who doesn't know.   I would cut her some slack in the emotional support department.  She may need her space more than you know.  I hope you have plenty of others to listen and give positive reinforcement back to you.
Glo

[Riverwhispering]

Jadey I know the hurt your feeling about this.  I'm not close with most of my relatives mostly because I live far away from them but only my Son and his wife have given me any mental support or acted like they cared if I live or die.   My Brother and Cousins all know I have this disease and soon will be on dialysis but not one has called me or written to even acknowledge they know about it and I know for a fact they do all know.

My heart goes out to you because you're so young and it hurts.   

[Meinuk]

Jadey, you've gotten some good advice already.  My  is let it go.  Your battle is with this disease, not the people in your life.  You don't need to be dramatic and "Shut her out of your life"  just don't expect anything from her.  Once you lose your expectations, everything changes.

Personally, I think that Facebook is like the hallways of a High School. Full of people with their emotions on their sleeves. I have "friends" on Facebook that I haven't spoken to or seen in 30 years, but I felt awkward not accepting their requests.  Are they really that interested in pictures of my dog? Slowly, the kids are showing me how to change my privacy settings (mainly so the general public can't see their embarrassing photos), but I can easily see things spinning out of control in a "cyber" conversation.  People often write things that they would never dream of saying to someone's face.  When it is in cyberspace, it does not seem "real", but we all live with the emotions that come from what we read on that computer screen in front of us.  Some times joy, some times sorrow, frustration and even apathy. All from words on a glowing screen.  My attitude may change when they develop a computer that can give you a hug, but for now, there is nothing like a face to face chat over a cup of coffee and a hug when you say good bye.

You are angry and she is the easiest target because she didn't take part in a conversation on Facebook, and she hasn't reached out to you.  My armchair thought is that she really isn't the source of your anger, but she is the target.  Let it go.  From what I have read, she didn't actively try to hurt you.

With CKD, you have every right to be furious (I am still trying to deal with my anger) Try to find another outlet for your anger.  Ranting here is a great way to vent.  But be careful when you start shutting people out of your life. It becomes very easy to shut those doors after the first few times. 

[jadey]

thank you all for the very good replies

I know when I said shutting her out of my life, it sounds too harsh and unnecessary. And yes I do get angry, especially now, knowing that the people who I once thought cared about me, doesn't. The event of my kidney disease had lead me to realize who my true friends are. There are some that stayed, supported me, made sure I was okay, always made sure that if I needed help with anything they will reach out. Then there are some who just move on with their life.

Now with the whole family thing, I grew up in a culture where family comes first, everyone is very unionized. In my culture, we have this saying called "no heart" that we label family members with when they don't acknowledge the illness of another family member. It is almost obligated in my family that you always reach out to others in need. Since I am accustomed to this sort of thinking, the first thing that jumps to me mind is that "wow you are called family but you are worse than a stranger". To my, "family" has a whole larger meaning, not just related by blood or marriage.

Since she is the one who married into my family, now it makes more sense to cut her some slack. She just doesn't understand our culture and customs in that way.

[RichardMEL]

What's that old saying about being able to choose your friends but not your family?

Yes, she may not understand the cultural stuff, but then again her husband perhaps should be helping with that - not in terms of relating to you per se - but the whole family.

The thing is, as jbeamy said, whatever her reasons for not saying anything, leaving a conversation online etc, it's her issue. She could be uncomfortable with the issues, she may simply not know what to say, she may just be the type that thinks "oh it's a distant cousin, I'm not part of the family like that so not my place to comment" or she may just not think it's got anything to do with her - or anything. However it's her issue, not yours.. you didn't do anything wrong.

I think making a big issue about it, blocking her on fb, or freezing her out somehow, or whatever wouldn't be the right thing to do. I think you just accept her choice and move on as best you can. She's not actively against you after all so... just try to think well that's a bit sad, but her choice.

You know I have an uncle - my mother's brother. He was chief urologist at my hospital. He actually did a lot of love donor transplants as in helping to remove the kidney for tx. One of his sons also is now a doctor. I barely heard anything from them during my time on D or post tx. Uncle had an office just a few floors above where I did D for > 4 years. He not once visited me to see how I was going or whatever. Or another time my sister and I were walking in to have the psych test for tx, and his son met us by accident - he had no clue any of that was going on or why any of us would be there.

And of course an uncle and 3 cousins - several with medical training and a full understanding of what my situation entailed - was there ANY offer or comment to get tested to donate? No.

Now we were never that close, but neither were we enemies.  I  was a bit disappointed to be sure, but well... I just had to get over it. You just can't live with stuff like that. It doesn't help in my view. Life's too short to hold grudges etc. People act for their own reasons and sometimes you just have to accept it as their thing and get on with it.