Something from the Heart and Soul

[Iwannabean]

Ask me how I am feeling
 I will say pretty good
Sometimes I will say I'm tired
 But to me that means, not good

I'm living my life day by day
 No future in my sight
I'm always telling my good Lord
 I'm doing all right tonight

I live for my children
 And my darling wife
How do I tell them
 I am fearful of my life

Day after day I get stuck by mighty swords
 I try to endure the pain by thinking
How my savior must have felt.

The lack of sleep
 The tired days
Ther restless nights
Are upon me
Dreaming of a day that my arm wont hurt
 Dreaming of a day that I don't feel tired or sick
Dreaming of a vacation that I can take without hassles
 Dreaming of my kids graduation with tassles

Will I be there in person
 Or will I just be a memory
Or someone who will be there
In spirit only.

I'm not afraid to leave this world
 Aaron has taught me that (Aaron is my deceased son)
But I have so much to do
 To make my life complete

So I sit and agonize
 In my reclining chair
Looking around that God damned room
 At all of lifes despair, and of all its gloom

I find it easy to keep to myself
 To not make many friends
I really can;t stand to see it
 When people come to their end

Just 12 hours a week
 Keeps me healthy on a machine
Those giant friggin needles
 To make my blood all clean

The nurses care and the techs do too
 How much misery can they stand to see
So they laugh and joke as they start to poke
 Trying to make it better for me

Its a lonely place, not full of hope
 Most of the patients barely cope
Hang in there, get tough, you will get used to it
 Are you having a good day
My Uncle was on dialysis, blah, blah, blah

I sometimes wish people could spend a day in my shoes
 It might enlighten them, Why are you so cranky? How can you be tired you slept for 10 hours! How come you don't fell like eating? Why don't you want to come with us?

I really am a loving person deep inside, but its hard to show it sometimes. I guess it;s just therapy for me to write this out, but at least I can get my thoughts out un-interrupted.

The number 1 thing that keeps me going is my wife and children, without them I am lost.

Iwannabean (Steve)

[kristina]

Thank you for sharing your honest thoughts with us, Steve,
it is very much appreciated.
I do hope your wife and children keep you going
for a very long time to come,

and I send I you my kind wishes,

Kristina. 

[edersham]

You did a great job of capturing the in center D experience with your words. As someone 18 months post transplant I hope to see you post in the relatively near future capturing the  heart and soul of post transplant life as well as you have done here.

Godspeed
Ed

[Iwannabean]

  Ed, I am very optomistic about getting a transplant and hope to be ranting and raving about it in the future.  I know that there are a lot of set backs, and more trials and tribulations to go through.  I do like to rant and rave 0ccasionally but at least I know I am not going through this alone.
 
Iwannabean

[edersham]

Yes there are bumps in the road after tx but I am actually looking forward mostly to you applying yor writing skills to the joy of waking up from surgery instantly feeling better and then progressing through those bumps to the point where you wake up in the morning without the first thought you have being your kidney disease but rather what your going to accomplish today , after you take your meds, of course

Ed

[Iwannabean]

  Between you and me Ed, I am looking forward to it.

Steve (Iwannbean)

[billybags]

Every word you wrote rings true for most people on this site. But as one of our "family" said pull your big girl knickers up (I loved that) and get on with it.    to the site.

[Iwannabean]

  Big girl knickers, uh I think that might be a discussion for the Transgender website  No offence to any transgenders out there, just my futile attempt at humor

Iwannabean