baby blues

[albiecl]

Just a mild rant really to get it off my chest..... I'm 36 tomorrow, I have a 4 year old daughter and want another baby but of course being on dialysis it means its not a reality for mie right now. Just found out my friend is pregnant with her second child and I am extremely happy for her but feeling abit sad for myself whilst lyinh here at dialysis - sorry

[RightSide]

Have you considered adoption?

[gothiclovemonkey]

 
I know how u feel. Im 26, even tho i was told not to have children at a young age, i still wanted many, now i cant have any. I was very lucky i got to have one, but with many complications for both him and myself. but im glad i at least got my one! Hes 6, and amazing. Its hard when friends get pregnant!

[MooseMom]

I had pre-eclampsia during my pregancy which turned out to be fsgs.  I was told not to have any more children, so I have just one son.  He is autistic, and it breaks my heart knowing I'll never get to experience having a "normal" kid.  In saying that, though, my son is lovely and wonderful.  I'll always wonder if my then-unknown kidney disease caused his autism. 

[FindingNeverland]

I know the feeling and it's hard not to feel jealous, I'm 27 and I don't have any,  yet it seems that all my friends from High School have children, just had another child, or are pregnant with one. Since I married my husband I've been wanting to start a family but I have premature ovarian failure and a very low ovarian reserve (basically a 00.1% chance of ever conceiving) so it kind of stings every time I hear so and so is expecting or just had another baby. It doesn't help that Hubby doesn't want to adopt because he has ideals about wanting to spread his DNA/Legacy because his family line basically down to him but maybe he'll change his mind.

[AguynamedKim]

Have you considered adoption?

Right on, Rightside.  I was adopted - an orphan from the Vietnam War - and I am so thankful for my real parents (the ones who adopted me) who loved and cared for me and put with possibly the world's biggest know-it-all-smart-ass teenager in the world.  Last year I thanked my Dad for not killing me.    I was in the process of adopting but unfortunately they shut down the adoption process to Vietnam in the middle of the process.  After some heartbreak, my wife and I are going to try again.  We aren't even biologically driven to have to adopt - it's what we want to do.  I can understand the desire to achieve immortality through your children (it's bilogically engrained), but I know my mom lives on through me and my dad will as well. 

I'm really sorry, I got on my soapbox there.  <looks for soapbox icon>

albiecl, I'm glad you are happy for your friend and am happy for your 4 year old daughter in your life.  I hope you one day get to have another child - one way or another. 

[gothiclovemonkey]

I had pre-eclampsia during my pregancy which turned out to be fsgs.  I was told not to have any more children, so I have just one son.  He is autistic, and it breaks my heart knowing I'll never get to experience having a "normal" kid.  In saying that, though, my son is lovely and wonderful.  I'll always wonder if my then-unknown kidney disease caused his autism.

thats what happened to me, thought i had preclamsia but it was fsgs
My son was born at 26 weeks, he has alot of delays, and showing signs of CP or something, we go the 20th to find out whats up.... I know the feeling of not having a "normal" kid but hes still pretty awesome dude. It hurts me knowing i probably am the cause of all his delays... If id known now that i would have caused him so many problems, and that id be sick all the time, i think i would have made sure i never had kids. He deserves better than me.... But i cant live without him!

[cariad]

albiecl and all the rest, hugs! GLM, it is heartbreaking to read this "He deserves better than me" nonsense. What's better than a relentlessly devoted parent, such as yourself, who loves her child unconditionally? I constantly feel like I am failing my children, but then something wonderful will happen and I'll realise (yet again) that they are getting by just fine.

I would have loved to adopt but the chances of someone with renal failure getting through the process seem fairly remote. I would utterly relish the challenge of having a child from some distant part of the world and of researching the area and trying to incorporate part of that culture into their lives - but it's not going to happen. I have two biological children and limited resources, so I need to concentrate on them. I understand the jealousy while trying to be happy for others. It's a big deal to the expectant couple, obviously, so it's important to try not to take it out on them. I am very lucky to feel completely satisfied with the family size that I do have. To preemptively answer the question I get all the time: no, I have no desire for a daughter. I am horrified at the thought of having my own childhood reflected back at me for 18 straight years!

[Bruno]

"....but I know my mom lives on through me and my dad will as well."
The sweetest words a daughter can utter. I look at my daughter with love in my heart and I know I've done something with my life. And when I look at my grand daughter I start to understand what love and life means. I'm 75.

[MooseMom]

When my son was still in primary school, he went to a special school for children with speech and language difficulties.  Every Friday, the school had "parent movement"; some of us moms would be reunited with our kids and do an hour of physical therapy type stuff.  Then the kids would go back to class, and we moms would have lunch in the cafeteria.  There were only 5 or 6 of us moms (it was a very small school), and one mom and I had struck up a nice friendship.  Then one day, she announced that she was pregnant, and I am embarrassed to say that I was so upset that I hardly said a word the entire lunchtime.  Everyone kept asking me if I was OK.  It was the only time in my entire life that I'd experienced anything akin to jealousy, but that is even too bland and ordinary word for what I felt.  I eventually got over it and was thrilled when her baby was born, but for several weeks after her announcement I could hardly look at her.

With my only child being autistic, I doubt he will ever marry and have children of his own.  My only dream in life is to have a teddy bear picnic with my granddaughter, but I don't think that will ever happen.  So I don't really see the point of going on dialysis.

[AguynamedKim]

MooseMom, if I'm ever lucky enough to have a daughter we'll have a teddy bear picnic with you (even if I had to look up what that was).  I may not be your son, but as much as you've helped me in the little time I've been with IHD, you're family to me. 

[MooseMom]

Aguynamedkim, what a lovely thing to say.  How kind you are!

[Riki]

I reared up reading this thread.

On another site that I moderate, we have a question of the day.  One day, the question was, "if you could be anyone or anything, what would you be?"  My mom answered, saying that she wanted to be a grandmother.  My heart broke.  I knew she probably wouldn't get that wish granted by me, and as long as my brother is with the girl he's with now, he probably won't either.  She has two kids, but for some reason, she shields them from our family.

I always wanted to be a mom, from the time I was a little kid. Actually, I wanted to be my Grammie, but you kinda need to be a mom first.  It bothers me sometimes that I probably won't be able to have kids of my own.  Right now, I don't have the energy for kids, and I'm not sure what kind of patience I'll have if I ever get a kidney.

[MooseMom]

Ah, riki,

[Riki]

My mom is one of my heroes.  She does the best she can to make everything I want to do possible.  It really bothers me that I can't do this one thing for her

[MooseMom]

My mom is one of my heroes.  She does the best she can to make everything I want to do possible.  It really bothers me that I can't do this one thing for her

Is having a baby in the future completely out of the question?

[Riki]

My mom is one of my heroes.  She does the best she can to make everything I want to do possible.  It really bothers me that I can't do this one thing for her

Is having a baby in the future completely out of the question?

if history continues to repeat itself, I'd say so.  They want you to wait at least 2 years after transplant to even try, and after 6 and a half years of waiting, who knows when that will happen.  Eventually, time makes it harder as well.  I act a lot younger than I actually am.  By the time my mom was my age, my brother was 3 and I was 9, so I feel like I'm too far behind.

[MooseMom]

It would be easy for me to say things like, "Well, you never know,"  or "There's still time; you never know what might happen," or "Don't give up hope."   All of those things are true, but hope is a funny thing...it takes a lot of energy to hope and to be optimistic, and sometimes we just have to accept the hard things in life.

I'm sure your mom would love a grandchild, but I know she wouldn't want you to be harmed in the process.  I really doubt that she'd willingly sacrifice you!

This is all really hard, isn't it.  I'm so sorry.  I know the odds are against you, but we've witnessed miracles here on IHD, and I am hoping that one is in store for you.

[Riki]

I think Mom would be happy to see me healthy.  I really think that is more important to her.  She has a bunch of "adopted" grandkids.  Bro's ex has 4. and they look to her as a grandmother, cuz they really don't have a paternal grandparent.  They get excited when Mom and Dad are around.  Mom's actually planning to take the 2 older kids to a Halloween display near where Dad lives so they can visit with him for a while.  They haven't seen much of Dad since my parents split up.

[MooseMom]

Then your mom has the best of both worlds...she has a "healthy" daughter and some punkins to play with!

[paris]

This is a powerful thread.  Each honest emotion has touched me.   When I was first married, the doctor said I was going to have problems getting pregnant.  Everyone was pregnant around me. My best friend was an unwed mother, but I couldn't get pregnant.  We decided to adopt, went through the entire process and was just waiting for placement when I found out I was pregnant.  3 years of trying.  We tried to adopt a second time - a child from Vietnam.  Again, got through the process. Then, on the news, were pictures of the last planes leaving Vietnam, filled with children.  But, not ours.  All of this was years before kidney disease entered my life.   My heart aches for each of you yearning for a child.  Your stories have brought me to tears.  I will keep you all in my prayers.    I do have a "happy ending" story to share.  A good friend growing up, had kidney failure in her late teens, then had a transplant.  This was in the mid-70's.  She got pregnant and being devout Catholic, she wouldn't have an abortion, even though the doctors highly adviced her to.  She had a beautiful baby boy and did very well through the pregnancy.  May each of you have your own happy ending.   

[albiecl]

Thank you all so much for your thoughts. Dare I say that I am glad I am not alone with this. There is no one in my unit who
I can talk to about this, so I just have to tell it all to my poor husband :-)
It is a painful and emotional subject and something I don't think is spoken about enough. I know that before kidney issues entered my life I never had a clue that the kidneys were such powerful tools and capable of preventing me from completing my family. It is always on my mind and I hate feeling like this and being resentful of friends, strangers who get pregnant. i am working towards losing the weight and getting a transplant from my sister so fingers crossed for the future to me and of course to you all 

[rsudock]

Paris was your friend on dialysis when she was pregnant?

Women  can have babies while on dialysis...it isn't unheard of is it???

[Riki]

no, but it's harder to do, since your body is already getting crap kicked out of it.  There is the story of one couple here somewhere, but I forget where, and I forget their names, who had a baby while on dialysis.  It is a neat story.  I remember reading it

[rsudock]

oh riki i would love to read that story...maybe okarol can find it?   

xo,
R