I hate my life!!!

[arwen2424]

Hi, I don't know who to go for help for this but I'm posting this here to get some advice.

I'm in my late 30's and my life has been a complete failure so far. I'm an IT grad but my degree counts for nothing now as the IT (information technology) field has changed so much.

I'm now a part-time accounts clerk earning a pittance as I can't find any other job due to the fact that I'm a dialysis patient (kidney failure).

I got kidney failure because of SLE. I've always asked God "why me?" coz SLE is pretty rare. Sometimes I just feel like ending it all coz it all seems so pointless.

Other Grads have their own house and car while I'm still living off my parents coz I can't afford to stay on my own. I feel so useless coz my parents are approaching their 70s and I can't help them financially.

[kellyt]

I'm so sorry you are feeling so low.  I'm also sorry I don't have a good answer for you.  You seem to be under a great amount of stress and that is not good for you, especially in consideration of your failing kidneys.  Don't compare your life to others.  I do that too and it gets me nowhere but depressed.  There is no point in feeding your depression at this point.  I hope someone else here who has been in your shoes can give you some better advice, but I'm here for support if you need me.   

P.S.  go to the Introduction Thread and let us kinow more about you.  You will find so much support and friendship here.  Welcome. 

[Aubrey]

Yes, comparing yourself to others is always a dead loss.

My way of going on is not to try to be happy. That's always a dead loss as well. Just get through things. Don't worry about what's going to happen next; now is enough. A good film to watch, some Bach while you're on the computer, a good meal, maybe getting a bit drunk. Small moments of doing stuff that you want. That's how animals operate. I don't hink they know the meaning of happiness; but when they are happy, they are very happy; and when they're not they don't really worry about it.

Good luck.

 


(Never used that one before.)

[arwen2424]

I know I shouldn't compare myself with others but successful ppl are all around me. It's hard not to be aware of stuff like that when it's all so 'in your face'.

[Dianejt]

ArWen2424 please do not feel like you are a burden on your folks. 18 months ago my son & his family moved into our house because of financial difficulties. I thought I would loose my mind, a 10 year old & a 4 year old, the noise, the mess, the endless chatter. If it wasn't for all the help and support Christie, Erik & hannah & Nathan have done over the past 6 months I don't know how we would have coped. You are where you are for a reason, life does suck sometimes but being with the ones you love most is all that counts. Don't compair your life, share your life. 

[paul.karen]

Try to look at some of the pluses.  Start with ESRD.  You have it as sadly so many others do as well.  But the way i look at it is.  It could always be worse.  I can walk talk and see i have some form of hope through a transplant.  Many other people are in terminal distress with no outlet like dialysis.  They are told you are terminal and sadly sit and wait for the end to come.

As for your living situation well as it may not be the best or first choice to live where you do.  You do have a house over your head.  I drive by homeless people daily be it due to there own stupidness or a fate of bad luck.

And in this atmosphere you have a job.  I can think of a few people in my inner cirlce who would take about any job that would come along.  Some are on unemployment others disability and they are also depressed wishing they could just get out of the house and work if for nothing else to pass the time.

Im sorry you are feeling so down on yourself.  Im sure most if not all of us have been there at one time or another.
Take it one day at a time.  Good things usualy come when we least expect them.

[lou]

Hey arwen, I don't really know what to write but I just want you to know you are not alone and yes you may think things are not great now but that doesn't mean they wont get better.

Please tell us a bit more about yourself. Where do you live? Where did you do your degree? How long have you been on dialysis? I don't know why somethings happen to people that seem so unfair - why have all of us on here had kidney disease to live with - but I think I am coming to believe that whatever life throws at us we can handle, however shit/unfair it seems sometimes. Maybe we are all strong people (even if we don't always feel like it!).

What would be your dream job be? Maybe there is a way to get there. Please write back would love to hear more from you. This is such a great website - it has helped me so much when i have been feeling like crap - there are loads of people on here who I am sure can give you some great advice and support. Take care Lou x x   

[MooseMom]

Other Grads have their own house and car while I'm still living off my parents coz I can't afford to stay on my own.

nononononononono.  One thing I have learned in life is that we do not know how others live their lives, how they may be suffering, what fears and terrors rip their souls.  The couple next door may have their own house or their own car, but for all you know, one may have cancer or be living with abuse or be a paedophile or God knows what.  Do not waste time comparing your life to that of someone else because you do not KNOW what their life is like.  For all you know, a fellow grad may envy you not having to worry about a mortgage or crippling debt while he would love to sell his house but can't find a buyer in this market, which makes his property worth less than what he originally paid for it.

No one has to live a pointless life.  If nothing else, you can come on to IHD and offer support to all of the people who have their own fears and worries.  You can offer advice or an "I understand how you feel."  And now you have a whole community of bright and informed and thoughtful people who would be more than willing to give you a shoulder to cry on.

[kellyt]

I know I shouldn't compare myself with others but successful ppl are all around me. It's hard not to be aware of stuff like that when it's all so 'in your face'.

But you cannot change this.  You have to find a way to accept it and deal with it so that you don't suffer.   

[monrein]

Also know arwen that you can come here any time to talk about how you're feeling and you will find others who feel or have felt as you do.  This disease is brutal but at least here at IHD we will know what you mean when you need to vent about things.   

[Hubbs]

Hey arwen2424,  you got to live for today dude.  so you live with your folks,  that's no big deal, i lived with my mom till i was 35. only thing i have a load of disabilities..  plus no real friends to talk too..  sure i hate my life, but what good is it doing brooding about it..  I owe a tone of money too that i can't pay back right now.. again.. I'm not sitting on that Borden. it won't pay my bills.   a few options.  talk to the Social worker at the your center.. if you haven't applied for S.S. disability.. you need to do that too.  if you talk to your friends and tell them how u are and how u are feeling. i'm sure they will be there for you.  and yep.. IT always changes.. just like people.  u should think about another triad, and or go back to school and catch up with technology.  there is so much out there and it is just waiting for you.. one thing  i have learned in life. u have to make it happen. it doesn't come to you..  btw. my mom is pushing 80 and she is still there for me   never turn your back on your parents regardless of age. there wisdom is always available.. ..   

[RightSide]

Hi, I don't know who to go for help for this but I'm posting this here to get some advice.

I'm in my late 30's and my life has been a complete failure so far....
Sometimes I just feel like ending it all coz it all seems so pointless.

One thing I can definitely say is that ending it all is no answer.

As long as we're alive, there's always hope for a change in our fortunes.

My life sucks too at this point.  But bad as my life is,
it still beats death.

It sounds like you may be single like me.

If so, would you like to see a child board started to discuss the special problems of singles on dialysis?  (Loneliness, limited social support network, etc.)

Or maybe even a blog on chronic illness when one is single?  So few resources seem to be available on that topic.

[romanyscarlett]

I'm really sorry you feel like this but I understand exactly where you're coming from.

I was earning a fortune in a law firm in London until last year when I had to move in with my mother. She lives in a small town on the south coast of England. My boyfriend came with me and also moved into my mothers house. It's not the best set up for a young couple but we have no choice since I am currently out of work due to my health. I'm hoping to get a job once my second kidney is removed but I know it won't be well paid as wages are low here not to mention the fact that employers probably won't want me due to my dialysis commitments.

I went to a good school and it seems that all my peers are doing very well despite the economic downturn. Every week it appears that one of them is buying a house, going on a holiday, getting married or announcing a happy pregnancy all while I seem to be getting sicker and sicker. I sometimes feel it's so unfair that they get to continue with their lives while I have mine on hold indefinitely.

The way I deal with this is to look at all the things I do have rather than focusing on what I don't have. As much as you hate relying on your parents, at least you still have them. There are plenty of people out there who don't have anyone at all. You've got a roof over your head, food in the cupboards and you're receiving treatment for your illness. You only need to read the papers or watch the news to see millions of people worldwide who don't have any of those things.

[arwen2424]

Please tell us a bit more about yourself. Where do you live? Where did you do your degree? How long have you been on dialysis? I don't know why somethings happen to people that seem so unfair - why have all of us on here had kidney disease to live with - but I think I am coming to believe that whatever life throws at us we can handle, however shit/unfair it seems sometimes. Maybe we are all strong people (even if we don't always feel like it!).

What would be your dream job be? Maybe there is a way to get there. Please write back would love to hear more from you. This is such a great website - it has helped me so much when i have been feeling like crap - there are loads of people on here who I am sure can give you some great advice and support. Take care Lou x x   

I live in Malaysia. I did my degree in Australia. I've been on dialysis for 5+ years. I've always dreamed of being an ecologist but I can't afford that now both financially and time wise.

[gothiclovemonkey]

The best thing to do is look at the positives.
I know how ur feeling, I was actually doing quite alot when i found out that i needed dialysis... Ive had health issues since i was very young, so it wasnt that scary to me, but the changes were! Friends no longer wanted to hang out with me, i couldnt lift my own son,  my family was in another town (i ended up moving closer to home, tried staying with family but i couldnt handle it!) it was very depressing. I went from working 2 jobs, and going to college, raising my son, to doing nothing but sleep and be in pain, and vomit.
I felt like a loser, not being able to work, and i had some really big issues starting out. I felt like my son deserved someone who could get out and play, someone who could run around and pick him up and all that wonderful mommy stuff. I tried ending myself... It was a mistake, it took me a while to get it into my head that life really would be worth it, if i would just pull my head out of my a**.... I had to start by looking at all the wonderful things i have, such as my son. For a good example, being thankful u are with ur family. And you do have a degree, I didnt even finish college! Its hard to find positives, but then when u do they pop up a lot easier!

The morning coffee, take a big wiff... Ahhh... refreshing and lovely way to start the day... Oh check IHD.com, Ohhh i got a reply to my post! Awesome! I have made new friends, and have people in my life that are going through the same things as I am. I am thankful for that.

  If you need some more inspiration id be happy to help, or just to listen if u want to vent.

[RainingRoses]

I've always found cold comfort in seeing how others have it worse. Seems like a bizaree gage for judging the quality of one's own life. 

On the other hand, you'll always find others who have it better.  Learn to enjoy their good fortune--really revel and take joy in it.

This sounds insipid but focus on your own joy.  It takes practice. Start small and build your own happiness that is not tottering atop fleeting things.

As long as you have life, you have hope and possibility.

[RichardMEL]

I am with MM on the issue of comparing to others. Yes, on the outside, it looks like your peers etc have it good. You can't always be so sure what's hiding behind that - maybe they have gambling issues, or medical stuff you don't know about, maybe depression too, or family problems, or whatever. It's easy to think some are more successful, but really in the end it shouldn't matter how "well" others are doing - it's not a race is it? Do you get a prize for having a better job or nicer home? For me, it's about being happy and comfortable with where you are at.

Now, clearly you're not, and there are clear reasons for that - and I'm sorry you're in that situation.

Like others I say look at the positives. Dialysis allows you to stay alive and hope - for a transplant, for the chance at some sort of better job, etc. I work in IT, and yes I do have a job in the field, but it's certainly not a huge earner - the mere fact that I am working though is important to me because I can focus on something positive other than kidney failure.

For me, I try and focus on the little things life offers that I can still enjoy. Like Gothiclovemonkey said, we have a morning coffee at work. I have a very small macciato(fluid) but the smell is so wonderful and that is like my indulgence. Yeah it's a small thing, but it's something I can enjoy. I focus on spending time enjoying things I can do - like supporting my football team, hanging out with my workmates for lunch at the pub(they drink pints; I do not), doing day to day things... even sitting with my cat who loves me.

You're clearly very depressed about your situation, and I think you should seek out some sort of counselling or professional help. Your parents and other family and friends certainly wouldn't want you to do yourself in - that's not the answer. A transplant or other medical advance could be right around the corner!

[arwen2424]

SLE patients don't get transplants bcoz it's an autoimmune disease and my own antibodies might do the new kidney in just like they did my original kidneys and well, the medical profession thinks that giving SLE patients transplants is as good as wasting the donor organ. So, I can't even have a transplant.

[gothiclovemonkey]

 
I cant get a transplant because im too fat...
Ive lost 60lbs, they stil wont put me on the list and ive got 30lbs to go.....
even then i may not because of my stupidity of skipping 2 weeks (non compliantcy) then also my mental problems could stop me....

[Jean]

One time I said to a friend, I am hating my life right now. She said, no, you are not hating life, you are hating what it has handed you. She was sooooo right. So keep that little tidbit in mind when you are feeling especially down. I know its tough and I doubt that I will be able to have a transplant, one, my age, and two my bad ticker.So, once I go on dialysis. I better get used to it, because that is all there  is for my future. At least, you are young. Dont give up, it is way too soon to do that.