I Hate Dialysis Message Board
Dialysis Discussion => Dialysis: General Discussion => Topic started by: gothiclovemonkey on July 18, 2010, 07:42:35 AM
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So im wondering.... What do yall think about dating while being on diaylsis? Part of me thinks it would be totally unfair to start a relationship, when im sick alot, im not exactly able to do alot of things these days. With all the little stuff that goes along with not feeling well, aches pains, not to mention i feel like i have the ugliest fistula ever created.... And now a beautiful tube hanging from my belly...
Why allow someone to fall in love with you when most likely u wont live to be old and gray with them? More of a burden than a life.
Modified: Moved to General Discussion - okarol/admin
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There are some threads that discuss this very topic. (single dad of 3 in center hemo)
http://ihatedialysis.com/forum/index.php?topic=19012.msg324363#msg324363
http://ihatedialysis.com/forum/index.php?topic=17334.msg300792#msg300792
http://ihatedialysis.com/forum/index.php?topic=1980.msg27155#msg27155
http://ihatedialysis.com/forum/index.php?topic=7455.msg109387#msg109387
There are more. Just search "dating" in the advance search: Search in topic subjects only
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Thank you! I still havent figured this site out very much! Ive never been on a site like this lol Thank you ;D
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No problem. This really is a great site. There are many wonderful, caring people here who are more than happy to help and offer advice. Never feel funny about asking. The Admins and Moderators could not be better. (Don't be afraid of the one carrying the big stick either :rofl; )
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Thanks YLGuy!!! I had this awesome, witty, humourous post (with search links too) all typed up and I got booted off and it was lost. NOT HAPPY!!
Basically the bottom line is YES you can have a love LIFE while on dialysis and there's nothing to suggest that you won't live a long life. Heck, a psychic told me I will live into my 90's and if I can do it then YOU can do it - who knows what medical breakthroughs are around the corner?
And as for worrying about your fistula and catheter tube... apart from the fact that most men will be looking ABOVE your belly >:D >:D >:D :rofl; really do you want to be with a guy who is so shallow and that stuff will put him off?
In my experience most women I've dated have had less trouble with the kidney disease thing than I thought. I've always been upfront about it and told them upfront, and if they wanted to run off well so be it.. at least I knew early. Most didn't... it was just my other poor qualities that put them off I think!!! :rofl;
I am certain you can have a dating life... doing dialysis etc certainly isn't the end in my view!
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lol U assume i have something above my belly ROFL
I think this really boils down to self worth or something. I really dont feel worthy of a good man, and im sick of the loser guys. I dont feel worthy of a good man because, being sick so often, i dont have the energy to put in what he would deserve.
Also, I have dated a few times since this started. One guy told me that he liked me alot, maybe even loved me, but wouldnt marry a sick girl, he doesnt want the responsibilty, but he wants to be exclusive... he was confusing.
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If you read through the threads you will find that there are good people out there that are willing to be care givers because they love and care about their significant others. More importantly they have character. You will read about people finding their mate after being diagnosed. It is inspiring to know that those people ARE out there.
With that being said...I truly understand where you are coming from. It is not hard to think of myself of having way too much baggage. I am a 47 year old single dad of 3 with kidney failure. Whew, what a catch! :rofl;
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i personally would think that is a good thing it shows that u are a strong. and i dont know anything else about u
it wouldnt be so bad if i didnt feel like a huge burden to everyone around me. i feel completely useless.
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Everyone deserves to be Loved. So it will not be with someone who is "busy all the time" , maybe there is someone who enjoys the quiet nights at home reading, watching TV or enjoying a good conversation. There are all different personalities people who thrive on helping others & being useful. Please don't close that chapter of your life as loving & feeling loved are the worlds greatest gift. :cuddle;
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I'll be honest - this is a sore subject for me. I am not even on D yet, and I have already given up on the whole "finding a man" and "dating" thing. I have had the absolute worst "dating" experience thus far in my life, and I cannot shake the idea that if I am stupid enough to even try and go forward, I know that as soon as I bring up what my future brings, any and all men will run so fast for the door they'll make the Road Runner look like a sloth! I am 36, getting closer to 37, and have never been able to find a man who will love me, support me or stay with me. They all have been short time losers who ran at the first sign of trouble. I strongly believe that this has happened to me because I am not worth working through the "trouble", which all it would take is communication and coming to an understanding. Any other woman who gets upset over being ignored gets taken seriously, but not me. I get dumped, or ignored til I get frustrated and do the dumping. I am done.
I have always wanted to be in a loving, caring, supportive relationship. It is the one thing I want most in life. But, I know it is not meant to be, and hopefully, I will just stop thinking about it some day. That is honestly how I feel.
KarenInWA
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Don't give up Karen. It is worth it. I really loved being a husband, She was my best friend. I enjoyed talking to her about everything, buying her flowers for no reason, hiding notes in her suitcase when she traveled for business. I hope I can have that again someday.
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I too really feel like there is no hope at times because of my illness. I feel like no one will want to be with me because I'm sick or b/c I can't have children due to dialysis and now age.
But I won't give up hope and I don't think you should either. Hang in there!
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I dont think we should give up on the idea of relationships, i still have some hope, that it will take forever. hehe
Ive never really been dumped, im the lucky girl who gets the guy who seems like some sort of dream come true, then turns out quite a nightmare. Absolutely no man that i have ever dated, has had a job, most did not work at all while we were together. nor did they help in any way, i paid their ways, even for their habits... very one sided relationships, its wearing.
And I really wonder if its me being too picky? Id like a guy who will at LEAST pick up after himself occationally...
Im too nice :(
Karen ,idk what the future holds for u, or for me, but i hope u dont fully give up, if an opportunity presents itself. :)
a question though, its really... blunt im sorry.
What about sex? how do u approach that topic, of ur not ready, mainly because u are very uncomfortable with what D has done to ur body? because ur tired, or not feeling well? who would want to be with that?
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In my situation, I met my bf right before I started dialysis. He was kind of playing hard to get in the beginning but then things got serious. He stuck around when I started dialysis. Even after getting the cath in the chest. We were together for almost eight years and he dumped me about a month after the transplant. I think it was due to the weight gain as I was very thin before and during my stint with dialysis. After the transplant I gained some weight.
I was never tired when it came to sex. I was tired on my dialysis days but we didn't see each other on those days since I went at night.
I just wonder who in their right mind would want to date someone who is already sick and on dialysis? I'm hoping I'll find the answer to that question but I just don't know. Throw in the fact that I can't have babies on dialysis and I'll be too old to have them after my next transplant and you could have a problem b/c most guys want bio kids.
I do think I am too picky. I need for someone to make more money than I do which really shouldn't be hard. He needs to live on his own and be a Christian. He has to like kids since I have two. He has to be racially accepting since my kids are black. Apparently, that is a big order.
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I gave up on dating before I even started dialysis. I was tired of the guys I was interested in telling me that I was too good a friend, or, the one that really kicked me in the teeth, "I think of you like a sister."
ughhhhhhh :banghead;
Then, when I did start dialysis, and I had the PD catheter, I felt completely unattractive and totally not sexy, so I just didn't bother even looking. But now, I'm thinking that since I no longer have the PD catheter, and the central line is gone, I may start looking again. Maybe sign up with eharmony or something like that. I figure if I can find a nice guy who doesn't mind the scars (the central line left one that kinda looks like a belly button), and can handle my crazy mood swings and the occasional meltdown, he's a keeper
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hey I have a steady job and can pick up after myself. Will someone date me?!?! :rofl; :rofl; :rofl; :rofl; :rofl;
:shy;
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I pretty much concentrate on being a daddy. I really do want to meet someone and have a long term relationship but that will probably happen after my daughter leaves for college. I will probably only have 1 left with me at that point. I go out dancing on Saturday nights sometimes but that is just for fun. I enjoy dancing. I have been given many phone numbers at the end of the night but have not pursued it.
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I have been with my boyfriend Rich for just over 2 years now. We got together before my kidneys failed but I never made a secret about my health and what the future was likely to hold. I also made it clear from the beginning that I would never have any children because of the 50/50 chance of passing on my kidney disease.
I do appreciate though that it's a bit different than starting to date whilst on dialysis because everything is so much more serious than just being monitored for an illness and it takes up a lot of free time. That's without taking account of the emotional and physical drain of the treatment.
I think it is possible to find love while you're on dialysis though. You just need to find the right person. Rich and I are both 25 years old and I'm sure most guys his age would love to have a healthy girlfriend who they can plan a proper future with rather than someone who is having HD three times a week and who will never bear any children. Actually, I'm pretty sure that most 25 year old men would probably prefer playing the field :rofl;
I have thought about breaking things off with Rich so he can be free from all the hassle that comes with being my boyfriend but he says he loves me for who I am and that I shouldn't be so silly. It's not easy for him dealing with my mood swings, mopping up the tears, cancelling plans at short notice because I feel too ill etc but he says he wants to be there for me so and if that means coping with my rubbish kidneys then so be it.
I had one of my kidneys removed recently and I have a 13 inch scar under my ribcage from the surgery so I understand how you are feeling about body confidence issues. But with the right person, it won't be a problem. Anyone shallow enough to judge you because of a tube in your tummy probably isn't worth dating anyway.
If I can find someone who is willing to accept me as I am then there's no reason why you can't find someone. You might have to sift through some poor excuses for human beings in the process but once you find the right person, you'll be so glad you put the effort in.
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Sod the dating ..just give me a hunky male nurse ! >:D
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Seems like a nice young man, will he do, KK?
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lol U assume i have something above my belly ROFL
Also, I have dated a few times since this started. One guy told me that he liked me alot, maybe even loved me, but wouldnt marry a sick girl, he doesnt want the responsibilty, but he wants to be exclusive... he was confusing.
I'm single too, and I've had exactly the same problem--women who said that they wanted a "whole man" who could keep up with them, not some guy with an illness.
Where do you live? Maybe you and I could have dinner sometime!
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Sod the dating ..just give me a hunky male nurse ! >:D
ROFL....you read my mind KS. :rofl;
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Sod the dating ..just give me a hunky male nurse ! >:D
I have one of those... he's a casual from one of the other units in the province, but he still comes in from time to time to cover for the regular nurses to pick up extra shifts. He's really cute. I like when he's there.
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Is this turning into the "Having Sex While on Dialysis" thread?!?!!
:rofl; :rofl; :rofl; :rofl;
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Never ever give up on love. I fell in love with my fiance even though he was on dialysis. I knew he was on dialysis when i started to date him(since he was one of my patients. I am a tech). Love will find you when you least expect it. It may already be there right under your nose and you just dont know it yet. I can say that he is the man of my dreams and could not have asked for a more perfect match for me!
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Ohhhhhh i can tell my resolve is low! I am consistantly seeing HOT MEN and some hot women, everywhere EVERYWHERE!
:urcrazy; :urcrazy; :urcrazy;
I dont have an confidence to walk up and actually try to flirt or anything.
I recently had started talking to a man, a wonderful man, and he was great.... But apparently it was not meant to be, he had a terrible wreck and died on me. Since that I have went from, i really dont want to date, to now, I really really really do not want anything to do with love or dating. Especially since it seems when u go to date all they want is sex, and that is totally last thing on my mind!
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I met my VERY hot husband almost 11 yrs ago when I was on PD. First date I told him about it and he accepted it. All these years later I'm now on home nocturnal hemo and I recently asked him if he regrets it because he certainly didn't sign up for all the complications I've had...he said no and that he must have been put on this earth to be here for me!! He's truly a gift from God. That doesn't mean he never stresses about my health. It doesn't mean he never gets frustrated because we haven't been on vacation in 11 yrs. It doesn't mean he never has bad days regarding my health, with no one to talk to about it. He's just one great guy! And even without health issues, great guys are really hard to come by!
When I lost my kidney transplant and was really sick, began PD and kept getting peritonitis, my EX of 10 years couldn't deal with it and took on a contract in Alabama and Georgia to get away from me - we live in Canada...that's really getting away. Finally, after I asked him to stop working there as I needed him at home he said NO. That was the end of our relationship.
So you see, don't be afraid. There are lots of good ones out there... :cheer:
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That is a very nice story Carson. It gives me hope!!! Thanks for sharing!
Maybe I will meet a really hot dialysis tech when I begin dialysis again. LOL!
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Carson, this may be a dumb question, but why haven't you gone on vacation? It's so easy to travel on dialysis these days, even if you have to pay to go to a unit while away, you can usually get all or most of it back from the provincial govt when you get home
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Riki, the BIGGEST reason we haven't been away on holiday is finances but also I am afraid to go out of the country for any amount of time and not have my Canadian Health Insurance. As a former funeral director, I've heard far too many first hand stories of people traveling to other countries, becoming ill, maybe even dying and the tremendous costs involved. I have no desire to travel to hot climates. I'd like to visit the UK, and Europe but my nurses have told me that the price per treatment is in the neighbourhood of $200-300. That just sucks!! I know there are some places in the US that will deal with OHIP directly, so I don't have to pay up front but we have just never been able to pull it off. Now that I've broken my back and will be off work for 3 months, the finances will be a mess again for a while. and so it goes ::)
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wow, this is a Huge Boat! I never really gave it much thought about not dating cuz i'm doing the D thing. its my other disabilities that get me down and out of the dating sean. a.k.a meat market.
So ladies and Gents. if you think you don't qualify for a date. think of me.. half blind now deaf can't drive. have a few teeth missing (thyroid gland is messed up). u all got what it takes to date. maybe your trying too hard to find the right person.. trust me. when u meet him/her. u will know.
Yes i tried dating deaf women. i'm not part of there world. i'm in between them. so i'm the one who feels like he is a big Borden. and I own my own home and have a good income even tho i don't work. go figure.
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Well thought I'd contribute a recent(last week) experience. Started chatting to this lady online and the topic of my eyesight came up pretty early on. So I was sitting there thinking "do I tell her about KD or not" and well my usual advice to "tell early rather than later" came to mind, so I practiced what I preached and told her. Yes, not the best sales pitch is it? "Yep, can't see that well oh and by the way I have this little problem you should know about..." well she did stick around to hear more, but we did have a conversation about the merits or telling or not and I tried to express to her the issues involved for a lot of us with being up front about this sort of thing or not, and how difficult it was to know the right time/place to do so. I think the general consensus now is - don't tell TOO soon!!! :rofl;
Suffice to say we then later met and she freaked out a bit at my fistula, even though I had told her a bit about it previously. I suppose everyone would react differently. At least this one actually honestly told me rather than having it be something that festered away for her.
So there's no real conclusion on that one, other than it's so hard to know when is the right time to divulge such a big personal thing. I'm still yet to find a good answer to this.
oh for those interested the thing hasn't really worked out, but that's more to do with other issues than the kidney factor, but that is definitely involved.
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Yeah, I'm pretty sure telling too soon would kill any hopes of it getting any further. I mean, who wants to even get going with someone who has major health issues.
The "experts" in the dating field always suggest keeping things light at the beginning of a relationship. So I think I'm going to go that route. I wouldn't hide it for a long period of time but I would actually like someone to get to know ME before anything else KWIM?
Sorry this chick was freaked out by your fistula Richard. I just had my THIRD fistula put in and I'm hoping it works. It's deep so I can't see it at all. At least now. I know it will get bigger when I start dialysis.
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Its tough because if u wait, and u really like the person, and they decide they dont want to deal with that, then it hurts more than if u just meet them and tell them before anything really starts and they stop talking to u. But then they dont get the change to know you either.... So tough.
i used to just bring it up, if someone asked me if i work, i say not right now, health problems,and if they wanted to know, i told them. The usual responses of ,oh im sorry, maybe some questions, then never hear from them again lol
now that im on pd, im hoping to get back into working. or at least back to school. then i wont have a clue when i can bring that up lol
ive dated a guy for about 2 years,he knew i had problems, i was in and out of the hosptial, im not sure why he stayed with me, he said he really cared about me, but he didnt want MORE of a relationship than what we had,he didnt want to be responsible for a sick person, or have to take care of anyone.... i dumped him. I want the "happy ending" (marriage? maybe lol) it hurt him saying that, but i also was really close to a friend of mine, and he told me he couldnt date me because he wants children, he loves me he will alsways love me, but i cant bare his children so he cant be with me *rolls eyes*
better to be single than deal with that!
Besides, i wouldnt want to put anyone thru that anyway. Always feeling crappy, not even sure id be interested in having.. ;D relations lol
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Yeah, you could end up getting hurt if you wait a bit before telling someone but I probably wouldn't wait TOO long. Not long enough for me to have developed REAL feelings, but long enough to let him know whether he at least likes me enough to want to continue seeing me after finding out.
But yes, it's SOOO hard to know what to do and when.
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Ok people.. chin up. our world, is clock work. we do everything everyone ells does that means. if u look like a soap opera star. and do things everyone one ells does that's the law since u were born. bottom line lot of folks take things for granted. So now life throws you a curve. and trust me a lot of ppl can't hit curve balls. lol so, what do we do? ahhhhhh the pity pot! ok, they are out there. admit it. we are the same ppl we were before just have to live differently. they call it the "New Normal" the question that is ask; do we tell them sooner or later about the D thing? i say it depends. if u ware short sleeve shirts they are ganna see something, :) as for me. i like to be upfront. but when i chat online i don't have a problem admitting it. cuz i know we will never meat so i just "ACT" like part of the crowd that was built into our world.. its the same for everyone who is "Different" ppl in wheelchairs, ppl who have Downs, they all have there own little world they have to live in. so we can act normal but still we are in our own little world. so lets stop feeling sorry for ourselves and start living again. too bad we are sped out.. I feel like having a BBQ and your all welcome :beer1;
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I don't think it's really feeling sorry for yourself but trying to figure out how to navigate in life with the "new normal." Let's face it. This is not NEAR normal for those who are not experiencing it.
I'm quite sure there will be someone out there who is okay with me being on dialysis. But I'm also quite sure that if I just put it out there from the get go, most people would pass. Now if someone actually LIKED me for ME first, I can see them thinking it's not such a big deal.
For instance, if I met someone online who told me from hello that he had just lost his job and was living with his parents, I may just pass that one right up. I mean who wants to deal with THAT right up front. BUT, if I met a really great guy who made me laugh and had a great personality and THEN I found out he was going through a rough patch, I just might weigh it all out in my head and decide I could stick with him through the rough patch b/c he is worth it. KWIM?
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yeah it's an absolutely tough line. In the past I've waited a bit under the "let them get to know me first" idea, but then I've had the "why didn't you tell me earlier?" type reaction - so you can't win! I don't want to be a pity party at all.. in fact I want to show that dialysis and kidney disease is NOT my life. Yes, dialysis helps me live, but I do not live to do dialysis... so yeah obviously it's a "new normal" sort of thing but let's face it, it's difficult to think about putting someone through all of that stuff - dealing with being tired, sick, not to mention getting a transplant, going through the op, and recovery, and whatever challenges that brings. Sometimes I don't feel there's enough of me left to give anyone else a fair go emotionally. I know that makes it sound like I'm totally wrapped up in my disease... I don't know that it's that so much... more that there's so much energy (emotional and otherwise) that it takes to keep a positive attitude and the other crap at bay, and then worrying that someone you care about will be worrying about YOU and having to put up with all that stuff... I had to to tell the last one that I just didn't think I could meet any of her needs. It was very difficult, and it made me wonder why I was even trying to date. Sure, like most people I get lonely and want someone to cuddle, but is that a good enough reason to drag someone into this? I don't know, and the struggle about what is "right" or "the best thing to do" continues.....
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I dont think any of us are having a pity party really. Just expressing concern. To me, a pity party is like woe is me im dying no body loves me. Thats not how i feel at all. I know im very loveable, if someone could see passed the sickness, and other things, like my size lol but its more a concern, I know what it was like growing up with sick people, and i dont know that id want to put anyone thru that. *shrugs*
I still get out, i still have fun, but to be in a relationship.... scary thought. lol (ive done the LTR thing before...3.5 years of that... and im not sure that its really my "bag" lol )
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I always wanted to find a Nurse to date. lest they have an open mind and been there done that, and can deal with it.
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I always wanted to find a Nurse to date. lest they have an open mind and been there done that, and can deal with it.
hehe not to mention the uniform ;)
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I always wanted to find a Nurse to date. lest they have an open mind and been there done that, and can deal with it.
hehe not to mention the uniform ;)
they only have them in the hospitals, at the center they are very colorful. there is one tech who wares an ugly white coat all bitten up.. but when she takes it off, she got a body to die for.. i'm about to ask her why she wares that? hehe.. i gave my e mail to one.. still waiting to hear from her. but there is no sign of rejection.. she is very physical (touch/hugs)
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I met my wonderful lady before ckd we dated about 9 years when i got ckd didn't really know how to tell her but when i did she got very worried about me. I found out she has delt with this before she had a aunt and grandma that had ckd. Her aunt died in front of her from it. so she is worried I am going to die on her. I tell her I am planning on being here for a long time my goal is to beat it. So she has stayed by my side dureing the bad days and good days so i guess i am one of the lucky ones
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And then there are those of us :waving; who haven't even gotten to the point with women where being on dialysis would matter. :waiting; It's pretty hard when ESRD strikes at just the wrong time and destroys your social circles. :banghead;
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oh I don't know. I happen to know of a lovely young lady, who may or my not be a member of IHD (*grin*) who has just met a lovely young man who seems cool with her pre-dialysis state. :bow; :bandance; To quote Galaxy Quest: "Never give in! Never Surrender!"
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just don't give up hope a wonderful lady will come into your life just wait and see
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Then, when I did start dialysis, and I had the PD catheter, I felt completely unattractive and totally not sexy, so I just didn't bother even looking. But now, I'm thinking that since I no longer have the PD catheter, and the central line is gone, I may start looking again. Maybe sign up with eharmony or something like that. I figure if I can find a nice guy who doesn't mind the scars (the central line left one that kinda looks like a belly button), and can handle my crazy mood swings and the occasional meltdown, he's a keeper
As I mentioned elsewhere today, I met my girlfriend of the past 9 years literally while on dialysis. She was a tech new to the unit and we just sort of grew together. And I was absolutely NOT looking for a relationship at the time. I think sometimes people are looking too hard instead of just letting it happen.
Also, I find the scar running from the center of the back of her head down to the bottom of her neck from her brain surgery in February very sexy, to me it denotes that she has an interesting tale in her life.