Local writer, mom to donate kidney to 'stranger'

July 27, 2008

Local writer, mom to donate kidney to 'stranger'

Shreveport's Melissa Swanson, 32, married mother of two little boys and stepmom to two others, will on Aug. 5 donate one of her kidneys to a 44-year-old diabetic, husband and father, a man named Masud Khondoker, an electrical engineer and native of Bangladesh who came to America 25 years ago on a student visa.

Khondoker, his wife and two young sons live in Phoenix, Ariz. Until this spring, Swanson didn't even know him.

Until last month, they'd never met.

But in less than two weeks, they will share an uncommon bond for the rest of their lives. How and why Swanson made this decision is the subject of this Times Q & A with Teddy Allen. Swanson is an employee of The Times. She wants to share her story in hopes that someone else might, like her, understand that if there is a will to donate, there is a way.

Q: How did you even become interested in donating a kidney?

A: My friend told me about two years ago that he needed a kidney. After I found out that he and I didn't have compatible blood types, I started researching. As heartbreaking as it was to me, I knew there had to be someone out there I could help; it didn't really matter who it was. I kind of let it go until April of this year. I didn't really want to help out a serial killer or rapist, so I started looking online. That's when I found the Web site LivingDonorsOnline.org. This Web site was a Godsend to me. It was just what I had been looking for. I just needed a way to communicate with others who were searching for a kidney. So, I posted my blood type and told people that were compatible to e-mail me. That's where it all began.

Q: Why make such a major commitment to a nonfamily member; are you receiving any money?

A: No, I am not receiving money or gifts for this. It's against the law. I'm simply doing it to help another person in need. I've always been a giving person. This just seems natural to me. It won't significantly affect my life, so why not?

Q: What do you hope readers gain from your sharing this experience?

A: Answers to their questions about kidney donation. Also, I hope it will bring attention to kidney donation and that more people will come forward and donate. I feel there are a lot of people out there with big hearts that would be more than happy to donate to someone if they knew someone that needed one. Well, only a small percent of people know someone that needs a kidney, yet there are so many out there that do. There are also many that die each day waiting for a matching kidney that never comes. It's a needless and preventable death. Many of these people are children, mothers, fathers, grandparents "» It breaks my heart. I was one of the people who wondered how I could donate to someone if I didn't know anyone who needed one. I had called the National Registry and found out that it cost money to get put on the list. It cost ME money to be tested! I didn't have it. So, I forgot about it.

Q: When is the operation?

A: It's scheduled for Aug. 5. I plan to fly back to Shreveport on Aug. 13. I leave for Arizona on Aug. 3.

Q: Tell us about Masud.

A: My recipient is 44. He is married to Sharmin and has two sons, Farib, 10, and Maheeb, 4. He lived in Dallas for a while. He now lives in Phoenix. He met his wife in their hometown in Bangladesh and brought her back here with him. Their children were born in the states, from what I understand "» He is on dialysis and has to do it four times a day. He has a machine at home that he uses; each time takes about 2 1/2 hours or so "» I feel very comfortable with this family and love them dearly. I feel blessed to be a part of their lives. Masud and I will forever share a bond that only he and I can understand. And, if after the surgery, he and his family decide that they want to move and not revisit that part of their life over and over, I'm OK with not being a longtime friend as well. I will just write to make sure that he's OK. As far as I can tell, Sharmin intends to remain friends with me. She and I bonded pretty instantly.

Q: What have doctors told you about your recovery?

A: I haven't talked to any doctors except the one who will be doing the surgery on me in Phoenix. He stated most people can live their entire lives with one kidney with no problems. He said I should expect a four-to six-week recovery time and should be able to get back to almost normal by then. I do realize there is always risks with surgery, but I feel like it's more dangerous to drive my car every day than have this surgery. Mayo Clinic in Phoenix has yet to "lose" a donor.

Q: How much money is it costing you?

A: All of the flight, hotel and rental car expenses are being paid by the recipient. This is something that not all recipients can afford to do. Some donors opt to pay that themselves, but I'm not in the position to do so. As far as work goes, I don't anticipate missing much work because I'm taking my laptop with me. I'll only be in the hospital one or two days, and after that, working from my hotel room.

How much time do you think this will cost you?

A: Wow. This is a hard question. I've never sat down and figured it all out. I would guess that by the time I'm done with the surgery and follow-up appointments, it will have taken me about 24 days' worth of e-mailing back and forth, taking blood tests, traveling, surgery and follow-up appointments. As far as time off from work, it won't be much. I'm lucky enough to have a job where I work from home on a computer. I can easily do most of my job from Phoenix. For someone who's considering doing this and they don't have the luxury of working from home, it could be a problem. They have to make sure their boss is supportive of their decision and potential time off from work. I would say they would miss an average of about four weeks total for testing and recovery, possibly more. If you count time I've spent researching kidney donation, it's more like 40 days.

Q: What do your boys think about it? Do they have different feelings about it due to their ages?

A: My boys are 5 and 8; my stepsons, 9 and 11, live in Texas with their mother. When I first approached my boys about this, they said, "What is that?" They didn't even know what a kidney was. I showed a picture of it to them on the computer. I explained how I had two good ones and this man had no good ones and I was just going to share one of my extra ones. My 8-year-old son said, "That's nice of you, mommy." My 5-year-old said, "Yuck!" So there is definitely a difference in intellectual understanding between the two of them. They have both been through surgeries with me before, even more major than this one. They know mommy is pretty tough. They actually seem to be proud of me.

Q: Have you thought about what would happen should one of your sons need a kidney?

A: It's a question I've been asked by many people. We don't have kidney disease or diabetes in our family, so the likelihood of either of them having kidney disease is slim. They could have some kind of traumatic injury that could cause it. I'm the kind of person who believes God must have given us two kidneys so we could help others who don't have a good one. I can't withhold helping a sick person now just because one of my children MIGHT need one later. We have a large family, and I feel certain we would have no trouble finding another kidney for my child. Plus, with the anti-rejection drugs available today, you don't even have to be a perfect match.

Q: You are a mom and wife, and there is always a "danger" in surgery; what pushed you toward this decision despite that?

A: My husband is in the Air Force, stationed in Kuwait until the end of September. Since my two stepsons live with their own mother, that's not a concern. They will be taken care of. My boys will naturally go live with their father if something should happen to me during surgery. I know they will be well taken care of and loved as much as I love them. It will be hard on them, but I hope they would be proud of me anyway. If it's God's will for me to die donating a kidney, I'm OK with that. I have complete confidence in the doctors and staff at Mayo Clinic in Phoenix. It's one of the best transplant hospitals in the country. As I've said, they have not lost even one donor yet; that's good enough odds for me.

Q: What are the ethical issues, if any, you've dealt with and how did you resolve them?

A: The ethical issues I've dealt with are that I'm donating to a "stranger." I put stranger in quotations because I feel like I've known this family forever. I originally met them on LivingDonorsOnline.org. Some wonder why someone would go out of their way to donate an organ to someone they don't know. What benefit would I get from it? With a family member or friend, you get the benefit of having them around longer. With a stranger, you don't get that. For me, the simple thought of being able to help someone is my benefit. My feet haven't touched the ground since I found out we were a match. All I want out of this is simply to help another human being.

One other ethical question I've been asked: "Do you think you're playing God by choosing your donor directly?" My answer is no. I don't. I feel like I used the avenue that was available to me. It was either that or not at all, because I didn't know of another way at the time. I knew there was a National Registry, but it costs about $75 to $80 to be tested and the donor has to pay. I just couldn't afford it. I feel like God would be proud that I'm helping, plain and simple.

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