How has your spouse's illness/disability affected YOU? emotionally, etc.

[Sara]

If you've been dealing with depression/anger/whatever, how do you cope with it?  Are you getting professional help?



For me, we've been dealing with Joe's many, MANY health problems since we got together 6 years ago.  He didn't take care of himself at all before me, so I'm definitely glad he's making more of an effort now, but it's really overwhelming.  It has been a contributor toward my depression (not the only cause, but a major part of it).  I'm just now talking to a therapist about different things, this included.  Talking has definitely helped.

Reminding him (he says nagging  ) to take his meds, go to appointments, etc etc etc make me feel like his mother.  Which does not make me feel romantically inclined towards him.  Does anyone else experience that?

[willieandwinnie]

Hi Sara

I'm all for seeking professional help. My doctor did try putting me on some anti-depression medicine but I can't take it. (It really made it worse). The doctor tried several different ones and they just don't work for me. Len even asked me to stop taking it the first day.

We had a pretty good normal life until almost 6 years ago. I have days that I feel awful sorry for myself and for Len. I really try not to get angry over things, but there is one doctor that I would kill with my bare hands and take myself to jail for. I just take one day at a time but I understand the overwhelming feelings you have.

Keep talking to the therapist and try to get some you time. Mine is first thing in the morning when Len is still asleep and everything is quiet. Sara, maybe you should also get Joe into some kind of therapy. God knows he has to have issues too.

I'll bet this didn't help at all, but you aren't alone and sometimes just writing stuff helps get some of this crap off your mind for a little while.

KEEP TALKING

willieandwinnie

[kitkatz]

Oh dear, I cannot count the number of times I have felt I am losing my mind.  In our household we have me on dialysis three days a week, and then hubby has had a recent amputation and complications with it.  I feel like my mind is losing it half the time, then I feel normal, but I really do NOT know what normal is anymore.  So I just plod along.

[Hephs-little-lady]

First I experienced grief, for about a week, all I did was cry, it felt like my heart was completely broken. Since then I have experienced anger, despair, frustration, grief again, guilt.

We lost a few friends, people who just couldn't deal with it, one guy said I was dealing with it all wrong! How may I ask am  I supposed to deal with my husband being diagnosed with ESRF?  And at the time I was being told Heph may not make it!

Heph and I cried a lot together, we still do on the bad days! He even gave me the option to leave if I wanted, get out of the marriage as he didn't want me to waste my life. Obviously I didn't, I couldn't. Love is so much stronger than anything, that is what brought is through, now I think we are so much stronger and could face anything together. We had already faced many trials together before this, so we held on to each other and came through.

There are days when all I want to do is cry and feel sorry for myself but they pass by and the sun rises on a new day and we get on with life again. There are so many things we have yet to do together and growing old is one of them! 

It's a hard path but we fight everyday together!

[cayleighrose]

Sara,
 our situation sounds somewhat similar. My husband was diagnosed 6 years ago, but had symptoms way before that. Finally with a lot of prodding (nagging  ) from me, he went to a doctor that actually looked into his symptoms. Since the initial diagnosis, he has been diagnosed with a million other things.
Currently he is in the hospital with Clostridium Difficile Colitis that he probably got when he was in the hospital for a fistula revision a month ago. He is so sick now that he hasn't been coherent in a week. But enough about that.

I finally sought out professional help three months ago. I was having extreme anxiety which wasn't completely related to all of hubby's problems but they helped fuel the fire. The doctor I'm seeing has helped me out of a black hole and back into the light. There are still days that I feel sorry for myself and want to throw myself a pity party  , but then I go right back into being the in charge caretaker that I have become.

I have to work full time, we have three children, two boys 12, and a 13 year old daughter. So, it's tough. I hate it. Some days I don't feel strong enough and some days I wonder why I am so strong and have such a cool reaction to any new diagnosis and new problems that arise while the rest of the family is falling apart. That's one reason I like to come here and read everyone's posts. That way I know I'm not alone.

[Bajanne]

That is true - you are not alone here.  I can see how difficult it must be for you.  But I continue to be amazed at the triumph of the human spirit over situations that seem almost impossible to cope with.  You just keep on keeping on!

[kitkatz]

It has been weird with Victor and I switching roles every day it seems.  I go to dialysis MWF and he worries about me.  I come home and worry about him.  I go to work and worry about him, too. We share the responsibility of worrying for each other.  It is funny how things worked out.  He took care of me for seven years when I had ESRD and I still have it. Now I take care of him while he heals from the leg amputation.

It is a wonder what you can survive and walk out of.

[Ohio Buckeye]

My husband was ill and on oxygen 7 years before he passed away and I remember
well how hard it was some days to cope with everything.  Trying to keep the
house up and running and 2 sons in high school. My advice to anyone in
that situation is not to sweat and stress over the small stuff, save it for the major
happenings and cherish the time you have together. Set your priorities.  Let friends
and family help who are willing.  Actually that is good for healthy people too.  Things happen and our lives change in an instant.  Hope I don't sound like a mother hen. 

 

[Sara]

No, you don't sound like a mother hen.  Sometimes we all need to hear those things.   

[carolyn77531]

i don't have a spouse, i have a daughter who is 14yrs old who is on capd.i know how y'all feel.y'all inspire me, with the strength..I'm a single parent, dads not in the pic...doesn't want to be....heck he has never seen her....he ran scared...well, enough of that subject...all i wanted to say...with me being a parent/caregiver....the nagging i have to do...to take meds, blood pressure,weighing,shots,the major one...eating...thats a chore itself....sitting there sometimes for 30 minutes to plead with to eat,,,some days she doesn't want to eat....i go thru days of depression, moodiness, sometimes i ask myself why I'm i going thru this...I'm not the one who is sick..I love her so much..she has been my teacher with the courage and strength....

[glitter]

I do understand how you feel carolyn,I have been my husbands care-taker this last year-now he is starting to get a grip and take control of his own treatment,but before this I took care of all his needs,plus my familiy,and sometimes it can be overwhelming.
It casts you in a role of nag,when thats the last thing you want to be...maybe there is some therapy available for you guys?

[KTangel]

If you've been dealing with depression/anger/whatever, how do you cope with it?  Are you getting professional help?



For me, we've been dealing with Joe's many, MANY health problems since we got together 6 years ago.  He didn't take care of himself at all before me, so I'm definitely glad he's making more of an effort now, but it's really overwhelming.  It has been a contributor toward my depression (not the only cause, but a major part of it).  I'm just now talking to a therapist about different things, this included.  Talking has definitely helped.

Reminding him (he says nagging  ) to take his meds, go to appointments, etc etc etc make me feel like his mother.  Which does not make me feel romantically inclined towards him.  Does anyone else experience that?

Ah yes-I know the feeling well. There is nothing like having to remind your spouse to to do something for the third time that week that kills the romance. I have still not solved that problem yet-but let me tell you, he hears about how much it pisses me off. I have tried EVERYTHING (sticky notes, notepads, blackberry etc.) and nothing helps with the memory thing which leads to me having to remind him which leads to no romantic feelings. *sigh*

[andrea_c]

My husband and I got married 9 years ago after knowing each other and dating for at least 15 years prior. When we got married he was battling with diabetes and high blood pressure and I knew life would be different intimately for us. Well I loved him and wanted the American dream so thinking we could work on this together with humor, I continued on.  Well then he got sick and after much nagging from me he went to a new kidney doctor (let me add that he was hiding the severity of his med condition from me) and low and behold ....dialysis. I felt like a fool in front of the doctor, I knew NOTHING of his condition!  I went into shock.  He went in to depression and denial. He had to leave his job as a police officer (he was slowly pushed out). This broke his heart.  In the mean time here I am realizing that we will remain childless, trying to hold on to my sanity, trying to deal with some infidelity issues at the start of our marriage, dealing with his anger, his illness, my job stress, home issues, feeling not wanted, feeling horny, feeling like a nag, like his mother, feeling frustrated, feeling trapped, felling like I should not be feeling some of these frustrations.  If I chose to go some where for my job or with my girl firends he clings and makes life hard. Most days i don't want to hear about kidneys and dialysis and fistulas and medication or see him drink too much fluids, eat no vegetables, vomit, diarrhea, all , everything associated.  Most days i just want to lay in bed and cry.

[Bajanne]

Girlfriend, I am really feeling this with you.  My caring thoughts and prayers are with you.  But I know that you will make it through.  These are just challenges for us to overcome.  Always remember that we are here for you.  Your openness is one of the things that will help you through this.

[Joanniebop]

I've finally figured it out..the people that say " if there is anything I can do for you, please don't hesitate to just ask"..I would never ask any of my friends or family to do any of the following:

Cook us a meal, just to give me a break from the 3 meals a day snacks and drinks in between.
Meds, BP,weight, shots, PD, etc.etc
Pick something up at the store for us, since everyone knows that it's difficult to leave Chuck home alone.
A simple errand, like the bank, post office etc. just once , because it's   "          "    "       "        "        "

You know what, I have to stop because this isn't as cathartic as I though it would be as a matter of fact it's making me sad.

So I'll just keep my chin up and thank God for what we have and not what we are missing out on, because I am so grateful for my good health so that I am able to help my husband who is not able to help himself.

Joannie

[Kathleen]

Joannie

Chuck is one lucky guy, to have you by his side. Hang in there.

 

[Joanniebop]

Thanks Kathleen and you know what? He tells me everyday how much he appreciates me.

That's the best feeling!

[Kathleen]

Thanks Kathleen and you know what? He tells me everyday how much he appreciates me.

That's the best feeling!

Joannie he sounds like a sweetie, I know my hubby appreciates me also. He doesn't even have to put it into words, its in his eyes and his touch or the beautiful  smile on his face. Thats my reward.

[carolyn77531]

 andrea

[andrea_c]

ty Carolyn 

[lola]

when Otto is in a mood i tell myself it's not him it's the meds and i do alot of biting of my tongue (ouch) & a little  now and then.

[goofynina]

when Otto is in a mood i tell myself it's not him it's the meds and i do alot of biting of my tongue (ouch) & a little now and then.

You go girl, you do what'cha got to do, i know i hit the  myself and i am the patient, hahaha (ok, maybe not a good thing huh) oh well, but i'm still gonna hit it dammit 

[andrea_c]

yea, but real hard to do that time and time again.  My hubby claims he does not remmeber any of the moody rudeness.