we did not make it

[andrea_c]

Hi, I posted about a year ago venting about my frustrations with living with a husband who is a non compliant dialysis patient. Well, as of November of 2007, we separated and now the divorce is pending. I can't say that I asked for a divorce because he is a dialysis patient. I can say that the disease exasperated and magnified problems that were in our marriage before. I can say that I stayed with him because of the dialysis. As time progressed his thought processes and actions became very strange. He became very manipulative and did not trust me to make decisions for him or even to help make decisions about himself. I was questioned each time I left the house because of his insecurities. I was just the wife who was suppose to be there no matter what and no matter what kind of abuse. I got up the strength to say no more. I asked for a divorce and when I did life became dangerous. Eventually he got the idea and walked out leaving me with a mortgage and his bills! Can I blame it on dialysis, no. I am not the type to give up when the going gets rough. I do feel that compassion is suppose to be a two way street. I though we were in this together and it turned out that it was his disease and his problem and I was just the nag preventing him from doing whatever he wanted. So, now, I am by myself trying to recoup. There are lessons to be learned from this experience. I still worry about him. Wonder if he is taking care of himself. My new found counselor and my family supported me in this very difficult decision. The lesson learned: cherish each other. Recognize  that although your spouse may not be the one with the disease that they  are going through this with you, sharing your pain and triumph. Don't shut them out! Peace

[Sluff]

Whatever the struggles and problems you faced, one day you will heal mentally and move forward. Take Care of yourself and keep in touch. 

[Yvonne]

Andrea c. How brave you are, I have gone back and read nearly all your posts, you sound just like I feel and could not put it into words, I'm sitting here crying, thinking how selfish I am about John's illness. I'm the one that does all the contact with the doctors, says how bad he feels to me but when in front of the doctors said he feels fine. We argue every time we come home for the visits, I just don't understand him. Our life is on hold, but for what ! I wish I had your courage. But I suppose like every one else I think  I'm indispensable (not true)
Please take care you have made me feel alot better about myself.

[andrea_c]

Thank You. It was not the dialysis that destroyed the marriage. It was the problems that existed prior that provided a weak foundation for the marriage. Though at the time I had no idea that the marriage would evolve in that way. One thing all the vested parties must realize is that compassion is a two way street. Good luck all.

[RichardMEL]

oh andrea! *big hugs* I remember your posts about the situation. It must have been a horribly difficult decision for you but in the end you clearly needed to save yourself because it was no way to live. Actually right now I'm pretty down with things and I wonder how I would treat a spouse if I had one.. hopefully better than your ex did.. I understand what you are saying that dialysis didn't ruin the marriage but the frustrations and issues that sprung from trying to cope with it did... it is very sad and unfortunate for both parties involved but I feel that you gave it all that you could and did your best.. and I reckon if I had someone like you with me trying so hard to make it work if I continued to be a jerk and treat you that way then I'd deserve to lose you. Often we lash out at those we love because they're always there and in a way it's "easier" (I hesitate to use that word, but don't know what else to use)... but that's hardly fair.

you are in my thoughts at this difficult time. Thank you for the update... hang in there... xox