ohhhhh

[twirl]

   here I start again it is Thursday afternoon and I do not want to go to dialysis in the morning, getting that same old feeliing in my stomach, won't be able to sleep, same old crap, depressed and sad, I know I am alive but...........Is it worth it ... I am having thoughts...
I already take 3 prozacks a day so I am medicated.......I hate this feeling of doom ...I am so tired of being me.....I did not feel like doing anything today and now I've got to haul butt to get everything done.......ohhhhhhhhhhh( not in a whinning way)

[jbeany]

 

I know that feeling - that full body "uuuuuugh" whenever you think about having to get up, get dressed and drive over to that damn center again. 

[Sunny]

It must be so hard. I'm not even on dialysis yet, but I can certainly understand days like you are describing.
Sometimes the thought of what the future holds is too much to bare. That's why right now you just need to take
one day at a time. Get through tomorrow morning and worry about the rest later. Hopefully dialysis will start doing
its job soon and over time you will start feeling better. From posts I've read, it seems like sooner or later dialysis helps your body to reach
some sort of equilibrium at which time you finally start feeling better. People on dialysis, is this true?
And if your dialysis is not making you feel better, maybe your doctor needs to make some adjustments.
How about trying a different anti-depressant. Prozac didn't work for me and I had to switch. There are many others to
try. Also, some of your medications might be effecting your outlook. If you are feeling this way, your doctors should be paying attention.
Just make sure you tell them so they can help you.
Remember : One day at a time!

[monrein]

I second Sunny's opinion about your meds Twirl.  May be the wrong med or the wrong dose but I'd speak to my doc about how I'm feeling.  I'm also not on dialysis yet but I'm hoping that it will be like it was for me the last time I was on.  Difficult to adjust to at first but made me feel better physically after not too long.
I too used to dread my dialysis days ( I had 5 hour runs at that time) but then I got mad at myself for allowing my dread to rob me of any time at all on my unhooked days.  The things that go on in our thoughts seem to be almost harder than the body part sometimes.  I don't want to start dialysis but I am sick (oops wrong word) I mean disgusted at feeling like puking all the time and having zero energy.  I try to make myself feel better at times by thinking about how much worse things could actually be but sometimes that goes nowhere too.
I'm so sorry it's a bad day today. 

[rose1999]

Just sending you a big hug     and hoping it helps you feel a little better xx

[annabanana]

I third Sunny's opinion about your meds. I've known quite a few people who have had to try different ones before they found the right one.  Have you tried NOT taking the prozac to see how you feel?

[stauffenberg]

One of the most persistent and profoundly mistaken illusions among pre-dialysis patients, which I note also in Sunny's comments, is the idea that the patient will somehow feel better as dialysis continues!  Since dialysis replicates only 10 to 14% of normal renal function, the longer you stay on dialysis, the more you deteriorate.  That is why life expectancy among dialysis patients is so extremely short, amounting only to 8 years, for example, for a diabetic in his forties.  So you should not expect to feel better as dialysis continues, but much, much worse.  During my first year on dialysis I felt almost normal, except for persistent itching, but as the years went by, the exhaustion, nausea, vomiting, sleepless, and inability to conentrate became steadily worse, until by the end of the eighth year I had to stop work on an academic book I was finsihing, simply because I could no longer compose coherent paragraphs.

[jbeany]

Stauffenberg, I think Sunny was referring to the first few months on dialysis, when your body (and mind!) is adjusting, and the clinic is still guessing at your dry weight.  I was miserable the first couple of months, but it did get easier.  I realize that long term, there are going to be side effects, but if you have waited to start dialysis until you are feeling extrememly ill, there will be a time when it makes you feel better than you did pre-dialysis.  I'm on home hemo now, and I have more energy now than I've had for the last couple of pre-dialysis years.

[flip]

I felt bad too for the first month or two (I was also doing radiation treatments at the same time). Now dialysis is like a social event for me. I actually look forward to seeing my new friends and hitting on all the nurses. Life could be much worse. Sure, I spend about 12 hrs./wk. in the center but the other 156 hrs. are all mine and I do enjoy them to the fullest.

[kidney4traci]

I have been on hemo now for three and half years and I feel better now than when I started.  But I don't have any other complications either.

[del]

Stauffenberg I really have to disagree with you.  My husband has been on dialysis for 11 years.  He was very sick before he started dialysis and again when pd stopped working.  He has NOT gone downhill. Dialysis ( especially hemo) has done wonders for him. He has more energy most times that I have.  He spends most of his time outside doing work.  He uses a chainsaw and cut enough firewood this winter for us to keep warm next winter. He is going to built a shed now and do all the work himself.  He makes utility trailors. After supper tonight he shoveled at least 5 wheelbarrows full of dirt and moved it to a new rhubarb patch we are making. He painted the house right through last winter and put down new laminate flooring in the kitchen and basement. He has built a boat since he's been on dialysis and built additions on to our house.  Here's a pictue of the firewood myself and hubby cut this year.

Things do get better after you have been on dialysis for a while.

[Sluff]

Holy wood pile Batgirl...you've been busy.



Twirl, hang in there...  

[flip]

Hey, Del. Your husband sounds like my kind of man. I'm busy right now putting out a garden and working on my sports cars. Dialysis sucks but it doesn't slow us down.

[thegrammalady]

first of all you have to remember i'm the one ignoring the 800 lb gorilla in the corner of the room. (according to my daughter) and i'll repeat myself. as long as he cleans up after himself he has every right to be there.

just my point of view. who said you had to be productive today and why are you listening to them?

if i didn't have dialysis 3 mornings a week, i'd be working 5 days a week. (yes i'd have more money but money isn't everything) (gee, what a concept)  because i don't work, i get to play with my grandchildren, help my children, when needed, visit my family in oregon more than one or two weekends a year.  if i come home from dialysis and sleep the rest of the day, so what. if spending the day doing something fun is exhausting, eh! such is life. i'll take a nap tomorrow.

the point is i don't spend my time moaning and groaning about things i can't change. i've been told i make mountains into mole hills. would i rather things were different, hell yes! but they aren't. do i have my bad days, days i wish there wasn't dialysis, of course. maybe i'm to much of a pollyana, but you have to deal with what's what, no way around it.

you are entitled to feel exactly the way you feel, but you can do something about it. try changing your meds. if the doctor doesn't want to make sure you get a specific reason why not. don't let him cop out, keep pusshing. remember you are in charge of your treatments. if you know taking 2.5 makes you feel crappy, don't let them set the maching there, try 2 and insist on it. dry weight is really a guess, all weight gain is not fluid (unless you're really bad at monitoring intake) it's just possible you actually gained weight. i keep track of where i'm at when i leave and how much i've changed when i arrive for the next treatment. i'm on a diet and am loosing weight, my listed dry weight doesn't mean squat!  research, research, research.  learn as much as you can, one size does not fit all.  ask for a print out of your labs. don't wait for the watered down version the dietitian gives out. labs drawn on monday will be back on wedensday. they get a lot more results than the dietitian gives out. ask your doctor what he/she looks at and ask for explanations for what you don't understand. and keep asking till you do understand.

and above all else, know that we love you and we do understand.

[kitkatz]

The mules do work around here!  Holy cats! That wood pile was impressive!

[flip]

I'm impressed. It makes me want to get my chain saw out in the morning and start for next winter. But I will probably wait until fall. With the current economy a fireplace is a necessity.

[paris]

Twirl, I am sorry you are having a bad day.  I think we have every right to have days we are just down and not happy with our situations.   If someone is happy every moment ,well, good for them, but it doesn't make how you feel any less important.  You have very valid reasons to feel down.  Do talk about it with your doctor.  There may be something he can help you with.   Sending good thoughts

[Romona]

Twirl,
Send me your Prozac. I think you got a bad batch and I need to test it for you! 
I have no wonderful things to say to make you feel better! Just a big hug and good thoughts. 

[twirl]

I went to dialysis today and brought, in my heart, all your thoughts with me.
That made it better.
I will see my real renal doctor on Monday and I plan to talk to him.
When I get off dialysis, I always have a sinus headache.
But tonight a new improved me with attitude (not bitchy ) told husband bring your dinner home tonight.
Nobody else I know would understand but you guys.
I miss working, students, lesson plans, bus duty .........
I can not sub or I will lose disability and I don't feel like it anyways.
thank you and you are so appreciated

Thanks

[willieandwinnie]

twirl  I'm glad you had a better day. We are only a keyboard away. Have a wonderful weekend. 

[monrein]

  

[okarol]

  Thinking of you twirly girl!

[aharris2]

A further comment on the meds - if it is your primary care physician handling the antidepressants, see a psychiatrist. They are much more knowledgeable about the meds and how to combine them for optimal results.

Glad to see you're feeling a little better  

[del]

Glad you feel a little better twirl.  We all have bad days on dialysis or not.  Just have to take the good with the bad sometimes.  Hubby when he is feeling down will say will there's always someone worse than me.  And that's realy true. Many people who have a terminal disease and are dying would gladly change places with a dialysis patient.  Check with your doc about your meds though . They may need to be adjusted or changed. 

[paris]

Twirl, I am right there with you. This first year of not teaching has been stressful.  I am constantly thinking about what I should be doing or planning.  I just don't feel complete. It has been easier on my body, but not my mind.  I am hoping when the school year is over, I can move on easier.   I am sorry that you are dealing with so much.  It is extremely hard to give up something so important in your life that you loved doing.   I miss just making copies, ordering paints and construction paper, filling the glue bottles---just dumb stuff,   Most of all, the kids.  I have had some families for several years and you become very close.     I will keep hoping it all gets better for you.  There just is too much change in our lives right now.  Sending good thoughts