relationships

[Claudia30]

I haven't been in a relationship in four years! I really want to be with a guy but have no clue as to how to do it. I mean, when do you tell about your dialysis. How do you make yourself feel sexy with the catheter coming out of your belly and the scars from old operations. Etc? How do you go about starting a relationship? I have to be honest and say that i do not want to have sex or at least have it very few times. Please tell me that there are others who feel this way! My doctors and nurses say that that is normal and that it has to do with meds and stuff - but how do i get a guy interested in me when i don't want (as guys put it) put out? Half the time i feel fat, unattractive and definately not sexy (though i have my moments lol).. Help! Does anyoen else feel this way or did at one point. i have trouble with relationships in general as i am an only child and had a single parent so i grew up around adults and not many kids so i know i have my issues goign into a relationship in general, but how do i deal with the dialyisis issues and telling someone i'm on the list and not feeling sexy? i know that if someone really loves me or likes me they will understand but you knwo human nature. I had a bf onece who told me that my needing a transplant was too much for him - dumped his ass! But what do i do? Any help?

[karen547]

Hey Claudia, I feel the same way as you do sometimes! I am doing Hemo-Dialysis and have a fistula. I started out with the catheter in my chest.  I havent had a bf so to speak since starting dialysis, but I am now getting to the point where I'm like if someone is going to judge me because of something I do to stay ALIVE, then obviously he's not the right guy for me!
I am just 22 years old. I have met some really nice guys who just take me as I am, but I sometimes automatically assume that they wont like me and I do the pushing away thing! I am in this sort of love hate relationship with myself I guess.  I go out on casual dates but most of the time it just stops at being good friends which is good too, but I really would love to have someone in my life who I can love and share things with, good and bad. I am sure things will get better for you and all of us with our self-consciousness! I believe that love comes when you least expect it so just focus on you and making yourself happy and b4 u know it, some guy will come along and it will be great!

[monrein]

Well said Karen.  Often, the best relationships grow out of good friendships, so if you can have good friendships, both male and female, you'll have a social life at least and maybe a relationship will develop. Either way, you win once or you win twice.  Not bad odds.

[kitkatz]

This question and more has been discussed at Renalromance.com- a sister site to this one.  Come one over and check it out.  www.renalromance.com


kitkatz-moderator

[RichardMEL]

I know I'm not female but thought I'd put my 2 cents in on this topic. I've had 1 gf during dialysis (though we split up.. but nothing to do with dialysis and it's effects.. though I don't think so anyway!). Sometimes even *I* don't feel like sex and would just like a cuddle (yes, it is possible! LOL).

I think apart from friendships that can develop into something else I'd suggest just be yourself. Hopefully any males will like you for YOU and not care about the scares, catheter, fistulas or whatever. I guess it's been a TAD easier for me because I have a fistula rather than an icky catheter, but the fistula "thrill" still freaks girls out sometimes.. specially if I cuddle them and they're noe expecting it against their skin!!

I recently started emailing with someone who I may be interested in and I've been totally upfront with her about my situation. If she doesn't want to deal.. fine... but she seems happy enough to keep writing to me so that's good. That may go nowhere but hopefully at the very least a good friend(we get on well!)

I guess the other thing is we have so much to deal with in our lives with the whole kidney failure/dialysis thing sometimes relationships take a back seat. Sometimes I feel like I just can't deal with all that stuff... I know that sounds mean and intolerant.. but know what I mean? You have enough pressure on you dealing with the medical stuff sometimes having energy left for someone ELSE and their problems and issues and needs.. it isn't always there. Sometimes I've thought it would be better NOT to look for romance because sometimes I feel quite selfish and insular (which wouldn't be fair to a prospective partner).. but right now I'm feeling kind of positive... so we'll see.

In summary.. be honest.. be yourself... maybe not expect anything but who knows... you may have that guy friend that you see who may just have his eye on you and not worry so much about the dialysis stuff.

*hugs*

[stauffenberg]

In addition to all the complex social problems associated with being a renal patient, there is also the technical problem that 60% of males on dialysis become impotent due to vascular and neurological damage.  For both males and females, there is also a dramatic reduction in sex hormone  production due to the damage accumulated renal toxins cause to the pituitary gland, which then fails to send signals to the testes and ovaries to keep them producing testosterone and estrogen, respectively.

Normal male hormone levels measured according to the 'system internationale' scale range from 10 to 34, with 34 typical of 17 year old males, and 10 more likely to be found in 80 year old males.  But sexual desire in males is not linearly related to male hormone levels, so anyone with a hormone level less than around 24 tends to have little or no sex drive at all.  When my levels were measured just before my transplant, my circulating male hormone value was only 2 -- one fifth that of an 80 year old!  The only thing that I thought about sex in those days was that 'sex' is the Latin word for the number six, as I remembered from high school Latin class.  Fortunately renal transplantation restores hormone levels in two thirds of patients.

[NolaGail]

Claudia,

Recently I have had some of the same feelings/thoughts as you.  My DH has left after almost 25 years, and I sit here and wonder if anyone else will ever 'want' me.  Now I have kidneys and age against me.  But my faith is strong, so I remind myself that God is in control of even this turn in my life.  I may not (translate that to 'ain't') be happy with it, but it is where I am today.  I may not have answers for you, but I can empathize all day long !

NolaGail

[devon]

Interesting topic and, Stauffenberg, GREAT information!  At least now I understand my almost disinterest in anything sexual aside from the human contact and desire to simply, BE with another person!  The sexual part may not be there but the emotional part is certainly present!

I am fortunate because I have a very good friend, in fact, a few very good female friends, in whom I find comfort.  The relationships are very platonic but satisfying nonetheless.  We talk several times a week and sometimes do lunch together.

Sure, I'd like the sexual thing but like I said, I just don't have it in me anymore.  Now, at least I understand better why!

-Devon

[Yvonne]

My husband is 72 and last year he had acute renal failure, he had one kidney, his prostrate and Bladder all removed in July 2007. Although we are well old we did still enjoy sex.  But now there is nothing, this is a subject that no one ever wants to talk about so just cannot imagine how you youngtesters get on with it, I suppose if your boy friend had kidney problems you would get on great together!!!!!

[Claudia30]

Thank you to everyone to replied - I now feel better knowing that i am not the only one in my shoes out there regarding this issue. It is hard to have a relationship and everything that comes with it as well as deal with the medical issues. It is hard to start and have a relationship. I am thinking of going on Match.com or another dating webiste and post something there. I want a relationship - but not desparate enough to  jump into any relationship. I like having my freedom. I pray every nite that someone will come along but I'm also confident in myself and been going through this all alone to be ok as well. I  have my dogs and cats whom i LOVE dearly. I figure that the right guy who comes along will love me for me and everything i have to offer and not care about the scars, fistula (though i like making poeple jump when they feel the thrill - lol), and 2 feet of cathater that hangs out of my belly and the dialysis i have to do 4 times a day. I am a special human being who deserves the best! As we all do! THanks again. 

[Sluff]

Thank you to everyone to replied - I now feel better knowing that i am not the only one in my shoes out there regarding this issue. It is hard to have a relationship and everything that comes with it as well as deal with the medical issues. It is hard to start and have a relationship. I am thinking of going on Match.com or another dating webiste and post something there. I want a relationship - but not desparate enough to  jump into any relationship. I like having my freedom. I pray every nite that someone will come along but I'm also confident in myself and been going through this all alone to be ok as well. I  have my dogs and cats whom i LOVE dearly. I figure that the right guy who comes along will love me for me and everything i have to offer and not care about the scars, fistula (though i like making poeple jump when they feel the thrill - lol), and 2 feet of cathater that hangs out of my belly and the dialysis i have to do 4 times a day. I am a special human being who deserves the best! As we all do! THanks again. 

Try www.renalromance.com   

[Stacy Without An E]

Personally I have to be totally honest with everyone here and say I've completely given up on dating and relationships.  I can't take the disgusted looks of women when they see my arm or the scars on my belly.  Who needs that?  I've taken all the frustration and disappointment and pushed my energies toward working on my career.  Along with my family, it's the only thing that I've been able to depend on my entire life.

[flip]

I'm like you, Claudia. I have my dog and cats but they aren't good caregivers. I can think of a few options:

1) Find a nurse or medical professional. That way home hemo is a given.

2) Find another dialysis patient and be each other's caregivers.

3) Find someone who would make a good donor.

I would love to do home hemo but they won't let you do it by yourself.

[twirl]

Personally I have to be totally honest with everyone here and say I've completely given up on dating and relationships.  I can't take the disgusted looks of women when they see my arm or the scars on my belly.  Who needs that?  I've taken all the frustration and disappointment and pushed my energies toward working on my career.  Along with my family, it's the only thing that I've been able to depend on my entire life.

What the hell is wrong with those women? You are cute and seem to have a humorous personality. How do they look naked, any cellulite, big veins, or bumpy bottoms, or sagging boobs?

[Claudia30]

See i don't have any family - well none that want to talk to me and vise versa. I KNOW that i will one day find someone, but that my life has to be in some order to do so. To be honest, i can't have a real relationship now because i do need to concentrate on myself and getting myself to a good place - even if that means getting to a good place without a new kidney. It is just frustrating to meet new people and have to divide your attention and energies on both the relationship and your medical situation. I need to one day have a relationship because i don't have family (hoping to get into a big one) and i don't have a career to speak of at this moment though i am back at school trying a new careerer. Just hard trying to have to explain the scars on my arm and eventually on my belly. I am very open with my kidney disease and everyone i talk to knows about it. I am not afraid that i won't meet someone someday it is just hard trying to get your life back on track, career and medical and such AND deal with relationships. I want to settle down and get married soon, i don't have time to fool around with guys and sit around for several years waiting for it to happen. Besides it won't happen on its own...i need to be active in my searching. I truely believe that there is someone out there for everyone. 

[Treasure]

Hey, celibacy isn't so bad.

Oh, wait! It sucks ASS. 

Ah, well, this kidney disease thing came along at the wrong time. It was a major contributing factor to ending my fragile marriage. And now with all the scars and a fistula that is humongous, *I* don't want to have sex with me, let alone sharing all this disgustedness with someone else. And hey, I'm usually in the body acceptance camp-- but sheesh, putting catheters in and out of my chest twice, moving around an abdominal catheter a couple of times, poking holes for numerous biopsys and putting a kideny in, and then taking it out have not made me a contender for America's Next Top Model! And now I'm OLD to boot! *grumble grumble*

Luckily, I used to sell unmentionables and have quite a collection to keep me occupied, hehehe.

[kellyt]

Stacy Without An "E" I'd like you to meet Claudia30.        

[kitkatz]

Can you please explain to me how celibacy sucks ass?     I thought it was another thing that sucked ass. 

[flip]

If I had to choose between dialysis and celibacy, I would choose dialysis in a heartbeat.

[twirl]

If I had to choose between dialysis and celibacy, I would choose dialysis in a heartbeat.

     

[spacezombie]

My advice is to just be yourself! I usually am very upfront about my dialysis. This will help weed out those that are not strong enough to handle it. When you find someone that is really interested in you, you'll find that they don't care about tubes sticking out of your belly. I started dating my current boyfriend right when I started dialysis (a second time, after a rejected transplant). He says he thought my scars were "cute." There is someone out there that will think of all you've been through as a positive thing, that it makes you a better person.

As far as sex goes, I understand not wanting it very often. It is sometimes hard for me to feel sexy with my catheter, even though my boyfriend swears that it is cute too. So long as I'm feeling good, sex can be a good thing. When in a relationship just take things one step at a time and be honest with the person about how you are feeling.

[Claudia30]

Stacy Without An "E" I'd like you to meet Claudia30.        

Who is Stacy Without An "E"?

[fluffy]

my sex drive packed its bags and left after i started pd.  i cant really explain it its just totally absent. I'm really sad that its hard for my fiancee cause i love her and shes really good to me. there isnt much i can do tho. im hoping the endocrinologist can play with my hormones and get me back on track. i hate feeling like a freak

[mysty]

Half the time i feel fat, unattractive and definately not sexy (though i have my moments lol)..

Hmmm that comment could be any female that doesnt feel up to standards at any given time.

I read thru these posts about the scars and such.  Honestly...I see them on Keith but I don't see them.  I mean I know they are there, but its part of him the whole package. Doesnt bother me one bit. 

As far as the thrill, he showed it to me, let me feel it and hear it.  I guess it's the way he lead me slowly into knowing him (and sometimes not slow at all forgetting little things).  But.. it's him I fell in love with, his personality, his mind, his sense of humor, his opening up to me.

And the sexual side, any male near my age is more than likely on heart medication anyway and would have similar problems.  But there is sooo much more to sexual intimacy.  It's the before and after the act that brings that level of awareness and closeness.  And our imagination works really really well for alternate options.  So many ways to enjoy each other you know.

[UNIBALLER]

My opinion as a healthy male is that being on dialysis shouldn't matter. The person that will be right for you will be understanding and still love you for who you are and how you make them feel. If you have to worry about how a member of the opposite sex will react or possibly not want to be with you because of being on dialysis and all of the other baggage that comes along with it is probably not the right person in my opinion. They should be able to see that this is one of the things about you that makes you unique and you who you are. They should be able to see it as a good quality since it should make you a stronger person than most.

Even though Sarah wasn't on dialysis when I met her she made me aware of her health problems and how severe they were and what the future would hold and it didn't deter or turn me off one bit. I saw a smart, strong-willed, intelligent, beautiful, determined, and amazing woman. And since she has been on dialysis the only thing that has change is that I love her more than before by seeing her inner strength and determination to not let something like this control her life and give up the fight.

My best advice from my experience is to not go out there searching for that one person. Go out there to make friends and romance will happen on its own and when it does it will probably be the right one

Don't give up and don't sell yourself short you will find romance and happiness.