Purpose

[LightLizard]

For me, this is one of the Great dillemas of being on dialysis.
I find it difficult to walk even a few blocks, most days.
The main problem is a lack of energy or any consistency to any energy I might feel.
In our culture, it seems to be the focus of so many, a job of some kind, having a 'purpose' that makes you feel like getting out of bed in the morning.
I struggle with this daily, and even though I don't think of myself as being 'depressed', I still contemplate stopping dialysis, sometimes, and just letting nature have her way with me.
How can you find a 'purpose' when you barely have the energy to live?

[Romona]

 

[lola]

 

[LightLizard]

you sweetie-pies, you!
 

[stauffenberg]

All life is about giving an inanimate world human meaning by thinkng about it, reacting to it, understanding and interpreting it, and even when all the more sophisticated purposes have become inaccessible because of total exhaustion and absorbtion into the deadening dialysis routine, there remains the purpose of perceiving and conferring significance on things by your human response.  Even in a dungeon you can continue to develop intellectually, introspectively, and psychologically.

[karen547]

I have those days too, we ALL do, so don't think you're alone. Today I went and bought a load of groceries for my parents, made a lil dinner. I was tired afterwards but just felt good contributing and helping my parents since they help me so much!

[glitter]

 a purpose- maybe you can find a new one.... i want to read every book before I die- I do not want to miss any....maybe you could listen to every peice of music ever written.....surely they get written faster then you get to hear them.... you may not have much energy....but you have  spoken to every person you are meant to meet?  And I miss your posts around here- always nice to be disagreed with.  You may have lived a rich life-and lack the energy to do more then lay on the couch 12 hours a day- but that one hour you get up....what a sweet one.

[Joe Paul]

You got to learn to roll with the punches, make that your purpose.

[LightLizard]

thanks glitter, you made me laugh. and you're right, joe paul, rolling with the punches is something i used to teach (tai chi) so i need to remember how to do that and stop punching myself so much.

sometimes, the aspect of not having a choice in the matter does make me feel that i'm in a dungeon, like you mentioned stauffenburg.
you are very lucky to still have your parents with you karen, good for you!
it seems to me that just about all my friends and family think of me as already being dead.
i hate sounding so negative, but i can't shake this sense of emptiness.
my wife (and best friend) were talking about bobby fischer, and how he opted to refuse dialysis and die, and my wife said, 'i don't think i'd want to be on dialysis, either...'
it made me think, 'well, what the hell am i doing it for? and what must she think of me?'

i know there's no distinct answer to this problem of purpose, really, so i guess my purpose right now is to question the need for purpose.

[Joe Paul]

You got to learn to roll with the punches, make that your purpose.

I re-read this and I did not mean it to sound so harsh, I am sorry. I too have thought the same way you are, and I think there has to be a purpose I am still here. I try to live everyday thinking maybe this is the day I will learn what it is...it kind of gives me the will to carry on. Again LL, I did not mean for that to sound so harsh, forgive me.

[LightLizard]

no problem, joe paul, i didn't read it as harsh at all. nowhere near as harsh as i'm being on myself.

thank you!

[Romona]

Anyone that faces a life altering event whether it is illness, tragedy ect... is bound to think about it. When I was given my options I really wanted the do nothing option. I had been through some weird medical stuff and questioned why I survived. I still have some odd thoughts now and then. If you don't face the bad thoughts, then how can you pick yourself up and get motivated to live with your challenges. I like it here because no one judges and everyone encourages  each other. I feel better when I get the negative thoughts off my chest and you guys are the ones that listen. Once I voice my feelings I can move on. 

[LightLizard]

I tried to sign onto this forum but it wouldn't let me.  I emailed but didn't get a response....so, here I am, LL's wife, under his name.  

What do I think of you LL?

I think you're braver than I could ever be.  Really, I don't know how you do it, how you deal with everything you have to deal with.  I don't know if I could be so strong.  What I think is how unselfish you are because you know your kids and myself aren't quite ready to let you go.   I think you must love us and life more than anyone can ever guess.  There's a lot more thinking I could write but you know me, I'll end up writing a book.

And anyways, if you weren't around, I'd probably return to eating oatmeal for supper.

Your wife.

I've been coming here for awhile now and reading simply because I can't seem to sign in.  I admire the courage of all of you.  For those of us who are healthy, you teach compassion, how to let go of the need to control, and take us to where we feel deep gratitude for life itself.  You also teach someone how to love without expectations, and acceptance of what is.    

So, the way I see it, you all have a purpose.   

With love and gratitude to all of you,
LL's wife.

[Meinuk]

Nothing is written in stone.  I question my purpose every day - that's what makes us evolve and adapt.  LL you can't compare yourself to anyone.  All of us are unique individuals who bring something different to life's party. 

Defining your purpose or what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning, well philosophers have written volumes on the subject.  Your family acting as if you are already gone...  Well, you need to engage them and remind them that you are alive.  This disease does not define you.  It is overwhelming at times - but don't let it eclipse the spark that is you.

We all manifest depression in different ways - I know that I was functionally depressed last year - and it is only within the past few months that I realized how depressed I was.  My point, you don't see it yourself when you are depressed.

I hope that by posting about it that you've started a dialog that can help you explore your possibilities.  Because you do have possibilities out there - and your wife is your best friend and partner in all of this.  Try to look at life as an adventure and you are a survivor on this adventure - not a casualty!

[LightLizard]

Nothing is written in stone.  I question my purpose every day - that's what makes us evolve and adapt.  LL you can't compare yourself to anyone.  All of us are unique individuals who bring something different to life's party. 

Defining your purpose or what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning, well philosophers have written volumes on the subject.  Your family acting as if you are already gone...  Well, you need to engage them and remind them that you are alive.  This disease does not define you.  It is overwhelming at times - but don't let it eclipse the spark that is you.

We all manifest depression in different ways - I know that I was functionally depressed last year - and it is only within the past few months that I realized how depressed I was.  My point, you don't see it yourself when you are depressed.

I hope that by posting about it that you've started a dialog that can help you explore your possibilities.  Because you do have possibilities out there - and your wife is your best friend and partner in all of this.  Try to look at life as an adventure and you are a survivor on this adventure - not a casualty!

wow Meinuk, between you and my wife, I wonder what I was thinking, now.

blessings!

[Romona]

Light Lizard, I think your wife sums up what a lot of family members do feel, but just don't know how to say it.

You never know who may be inspired by your strenght and determination right now and you don't even know it.


 

[LightLizard]

thanks romona.
sometimes, its hard to see that old forest for all
the trees...
thanks for the reminder!

love

LL

[paris]

Light Lizard, your post was very heartfelt and I think you summed up how each of us feels at one time or another.  Everything that I thought was my purpose is now gone----job, kids are grown, can't do what I want when I want.  But I have to believe I have purpose.   And you my dear friend, have one special purpose--that loving person who posted telling you how important you are to her and your kids.  She had me in tears, so I know it touched you greatly.  How wonderful that she posted and reminded you there is a purpose everyday.

Right now, maybe your purpose is to come here and post more of you music.  Or just pour out your thoughts everyday.  We are hear to listen, to support, and we care.    Also, we look forward to your insiteful posts. It seems like we each have an important role here; Sluff the big brother, Goofynina the heart of the site, Zach the one with all the statistics, Kitkatz has her big stick,  and you make us think and reflect.  (not sure of my role!!)    So, keep posting and sharing.   Hug your wife; she seems like a lovely person.   Hope tomorrow is brighter 

[kitkatz]

It sounds like your purpose is love.

[LightLizard]

bless you both, paris and kitkatz, and everyone!
these bodies may be flawed, but there's no lack of spirit here,
and that is the main ingrediant for love to bloom brightly!

blissings to all! (that's the happiest of blessings  )

LL

[Stacy Without An E]

After reading your post and then your wife's, I must say I understand where you're coming from.

But at the same time, I think you're a very lucky man.

I would give anything to have a faithful woman by my side and children to share my wisdom with.

Dialysis' main goal is to try and steal your life away from you.  It loves that.  It giggles with glee when it accomplishes that.

So I will give you not one, but two purposes for your life as it stands.

1. Relish in the love you share with your life and the chance Dialysis has given you to see your kids become happy, successful adults.

2. Defeat Dialysis.  Fight back.  Push a little harder.  Strength comes from adversity.

These are just my personal thoughts and may have to bearing on your life whatsoever.

I hope for the best for you.

[Ken Shelmerdine]

Lightlizard I hope you are convinced now. The love and admiration shown by your wife and family is is non other than inspirational.

[KICKSTART]

You can look at things in one of two ways ..Is my glass half empty or is my glass half full.

[LightLizard]

thanks stacy, ken and kickstart.

i guess i'd have to say that now, my glass is over-full, thanks to the loving supprt from you folk, and yes, of course, the blessings of love from my family.
it's my head that seems empty, from time to time...
the wife got herself registered, finally, so now i gotta be a good boy.
that's gonna be hard!

[Deanne]

I just saw this thread and want to offer more  .  I'm glad to see you're in better spirits.