Ignorant things people have said to you

[glitter]

What is SMH?   

I hate all these acronyms!             

me too, probably just showing our age...lol <---- irony...

[YLGuy]

Urban Dictionary: smh
Acronym for 'shake my head' or 'shaking my head.' Usually used when someone finds something so stupid, no words can do it justice

[sumodidit]

i got into another stupid conversation. I was telling this guy that I go to dialysis for treatment and he was like "wow sad to here that" a minute later he offered me a beer. I was like no thank you......didn't I just mention I'm on dialysis.....not as bad as the nurse conversation from the other day!! LOL

[The Noob]

LOL..you could have taken the beer and offered it to your caregiver..hahahha

no seriously..there are support/education groups up the yazoo for everything but dialysis..??
 

[glitter]

IHD is the BEST support group!! 

[Bajanne]

IHD is the BEST support group!! 

AMEN! 

[Brightsky69]

Ok….this was kind of awkward. Just a few minutes ago a co-worker stopped me in the hall. She asked how you feeling and I said not good….my BP is all over the place and I am not sleeping.

Keep in mind I have Rosacea. She looks at me and said Well….I was gonna say you looked good, your cheeks are nice and rosy. Sometimes you do have that yellow jaundice look about you….I am sure you’ve noticed it.  Ummmm No.

Granted…I know she didn’t mean any harm. I think she was just really trying to make conversation.

[Quickfeet]

I hate it when people tell me I look really good or they are glad to see me feeling better. The first thought that always comes to my mind is, "really? I sure don't feel like it." I can't tell if they are trying to be nice or if they really can't tell that I feel worse than usually. I love it when they tell me I look better 15 minuets after I get done vomiting. One night at work I vomited in 3 different places and at the end of the night I was told my skin was getting its color back.

[monrein]

Of course you were getting your colour back...who wouldn't with their head in the downward dog all evening?   I really think people don't know what the heck to say so words come out and sometimes those words don't somehow apply to the situation but I do think that most people really mean well even though good intentions alone can be fairly irritating at times.

[jbeany]

Kind of like the amazing number of people at funerals who have commented, "She looks so nice."  No, she looks dead, with lipstick on. 

[Sunny]

When people who know me tell me I look so good I must be doing better I tell them,"Looks can be deceiving."
A little hair dye, a little make-up,nice clothes,it's all a show. They should see me before I've worked so hard to deceive them.

[paris]

When people who know me tell me I look so good I must be doing better I tell them,"Looks can be deceiving."
A little hair dye, a little make-up,nice clothes,it's all a show. They should see me before I've worked so hard to deceive them.

I agree Sunny.  Thank goodness for blush and hair dye!   I guess people have no clue what to say.  I  would rather they say nothing.  Someone say me a couple of weeks ago for the first time in 2 years and they said "how are you feeling? You are looking really good".   I know I have aged 5 years since they saw me last.  I just said "I'm fine".  That is all they really want to hear.   

Thank goodness I can come here and don't have to look good or pretend to feel good.   

[Des]

same thing happened to me yesterday.  Friend found me in the mall sitting on a bench (the halfway mark) and said: wow you look fantastic.... I thought you would actually look ill" So I said:" well , the disease is on the inside"(smile).......

[galvo]

Good response, Des!

[MooseMom]

This was just really odd, more about what WASN'T said to me...  My DH has a very complicated relationship with his parents that goes back many years.  Simply put, his mother is unbalanced and his father just tries to placate her.  Growing up, my DH was virtually ignored; his younger brother had a serious illness that damaged his brain for life, and this is a terrible thing for any parent to go through.  Anyway, to this day, DH is virtually estranged from his mother and sees his dad infrequently.  They live nearby.  I took DH, his son and his dad out for breakfast this AM for Father's Day, and then we went to the zoo.  We had a pleasant day.  DH's dad is like many older men in that he will talk all day about his heart condition and his meds and how he can't tolerate statins.  My own father was this way, and seeing that I have a lot of medical knowledge because of CKD, I can ask informed questions and look really really interested.  I stay out of this complicated family dynamic, so I haven't seen DH's parents in some years.  DH's mom was not with us, so I had only DH's dad to deal with.  We had pleasant and interesting conversations about his health and the oil spill and a few other things.  Anyway, not a single time did he ask me how I was doing despite knowing full well that I am this close to D and am trying for a transplant.  I don't really feel a great need to pontificate about my renal woes, but it would have been nice for him to at least ask how I was doing, especially since we spent all day talking about how HE was doing, mainly because I know he likes talking about it.  It just made me feel odd.  He seemed so utterly clueless, and he's not a stupid person.  My husband is at an utter loss to explain this and also feels it is very odd; plus, he's a little embarrassed.  Just goes to show that people are truly odd, and sometimes you just don't know what they could possibly be thinking...or NOT thinking.  No biggie, but just weird.

[RichardMEL]

MM probably a case of him being more self centered focusing on HIS medical issues and where he is at rather than worrying about anyone else's. It also seems that kidney disease really is that "out of sight, out of mind" type disease (specially with dialysis to prop us up) - it's not like we go around with shaved heads/bandanas to remind everyone that we're on chemo or something. To all intents and purposes we look "normal" - which is the whole point of dialysis (or for those that are pre-D, the maintenance meds/treatments) - however it can be frustrating at the same time. I often get the "you look great" thing - and that's from my father who knows what the deal is. I know he means well so there's no point in getting all annoyed about it. Just accept it, focus on the thought behind it, and move on.

[Des]

Moosemom, like I said.... we look fine..... so they don't bother to ask.

and well .... I just got tired telling people. I just say "fine thank you" unless it is a possible donar.

[MooseMom]

Well, the man didn't even say, "You look fabulous!" or anything approaching that.  I don't expect everyone to know the first thing about CKD or dialysis, but c'mon...kidney transplantation is pretty dramatic stuff, and he knows I'm trying to get on the list, so he could have at least asked about THAT.  You don't have to know your potassium from your phosphorus to understand what a big deal it is.

I don't want anyone to think I am really sulking about this because it truly is not that important to me.  I am curious, though, as to why he never mentioned it.  I could understand it if there was this unstated mutual agreement not to talk about anything medical, but he was very keen on talking about HIS stuff.  He subscribes to a health newsletter, and occasionally he will send them to me when he is finished with them.  Very occasionally, he will call me and proceed to tell me about his latest medical news (I'm probably the only one who will listen), so it's not like it is a taboo subject.  But not one single time today did he say a single thing to me, despite knowing about my condition.

I think what bothers me is that this is indicative of how little support my DH gets from his dad.  I know this is hard on my husband, and it would be nice if his dad would ask him occasionally how things are going and if he needs anything.  I have my DH, IHD and a whole team of docs on my side, but DH has no one, not even his own family, which became painfully evident today.  I feel bad for my DH; I don't feel bad for me.

[RichardMEL]

well apart from the obvious thought that he's a selfish boob, but that seems to not fit given him passing on medical newsletters to you, but maybe he was waiting for YOU to bring it up feeling it might be inappropriate somehow? Sort of along the lines of your unsaid agreement sort of thing. I don't know. You'd think he'd ask absolutely. Who can tell with people sometimes... I'm just sorry you feel there's a lack of support for you and hubby from him, but it sounds like from the potted history you posted that there probably never really would be much support from that area.

It's like my family a little bit. My uncle is head urologist of the local hospital, and it is ironic that he is involved in live donations in terms of removing the donated kidney. So he knows all about this area. He has 3 sons (my cousins) - 2 of which are in medicine, and the other who is a lawyer. This man's office is 4 floors above where I do dialysis. I have been on dialysis for almost 4 years. Number of times this man has come to visit me or eqnire about how I am doing? ZERO. Number of times he or my cousins have enquired about donating or offered: ZERO. Hell my sister and I met by chance one of the cousins in the hospital when we were on our way to do the psych test (this was 3 or so years ago) and he was absolutely clueless as to why we were there.....

And well that side of our family has always been remote(for various reasons) and well I've given up worrying about or expecting anything from them. Oh yeah my neph updates my uncle (as they are colleagues) on a regular basis, but I still haven't actually ever had any contact from him. I wonder if I actually ever get a transplant if they'd even bother to send a card or something.

Anyway my point is when you have such strained relationships in a family perhaps it's best to just not expect anything.. that way when or if something does come from there it's an unexpected bonus....

[MooseMom]

Naw, I didn't expect anything, but I am always rather interested in not what only people do (or don't do), but why.  So I'd be interested in his thought process.  It's possible that he might have felt uncomfortable asking me about it, especially since he is fundamentally a coward.  He is certainly not evil, and he called tonight to thank us for a nice day, and I think he was very grateful and gracious; we didn't have to ask him to come along.  He is a nice enough man, but he IS cowardly.

Richard, what you describe is FAR more unforgivable.  I mean, your family members have more than a passing interest in medicine; they are IN the field, so for them to treat you with such disregard is appalling.  I can understand you just not expecting anything from any of them, and quite right, too, but isn't it sad to NOT be able to expect any regard from someone?  I mean, if someone in my family thought that they couldn't expect a bit of grace and care from me, well, what does that say about ME?  If you can't expect simply human warmth from someone, then it's just tragic.

[KICKSTART]

Richard, what you describe is FAR more unforgivable.  I mean, your family members have more than a passing interest in medicine; they are IN the field, so for them to treat you with such disregard is appalling.  I can understand you just not expecting anything from any of them, and quite right, too, but isn't it sad to NOT be able to expect any regard from someone?  I mean, if someone in my family thought that they couldn't expect a bit of grace and care from me, well, what does that say about ME?  If you can't expect simply human warmth from someone, then it's just tragic.

MM :  I have a family member also in the medical field ..who not only never asks how i am , but thinks its alright to skip dialysis to take another member of the family (not their fault) to the doctors !!! While she sits at home with the car on the driveway !
Im afraid everyones the same ..well 99.9%, if its not happening to them , they are not interested !! My best friend got thrown from her horse a while ago and broke her arm, oh my word ..the fuss! Yet i txt her every few days , made sure she was ok etc. Now her arms fine and have i heard from her ?  what do you think ?



EDITED: Fixed Quote Error - Bajanne, Moderator

[MooseMom]

I was wearing a short-sleeved shirt, so my scar from fistula surgery was visible (although if you are old and your eyesight is not great, you might have missed it.  It's not really that obvious if you're not looking for it).  In the tropical house at the zoo, it was hot, humid and crowded, and I had to leave and sit down outside because I suddenly felt unwell.  On another occasion, DH's dad was talking about forgoing a particular surgery because he didn't think he really needed it, and I said that anything to avoid unnecessary surgery is great because there are risks with anesthesia.  He replied they make him nauseous, and I agreed (having just had 2 different procedures), and he remarked that my kidneys probably didn't clear it all very well.  So he KNOWS/REMEMBERS that I have this kidney problem, but despite all of the above, he STILL never even lied and said, "You're looking good."  You know, I think I've inadvertantly become something of a recluse because whenever I do have interactions with people, I usually find myself completely baffled.  I guess I just don't get out much.  I have never held a grudge, and I don't take things personally.  This stuff with DH's dad I don't take personally, believe it or not.  I just find it to be so odd!  And when I hear stories likeKICKSTART'S, well, I'm just perplexed all over again.  But to be fair, DH's parents are truly odd units, and as long as the conversation revolves around him and his medical issues (which really are not that many as his heart problems seems to have been taken care of; he's doing really well, actually), he's happy, and that's all I care about.   He had a nice Father's Day (thanks to me!  That's the ironic part.  DH wouldn't have invited him to join us!), and that's what it's all about.

[The Noob]

Richard and MOM, i could have written these posts myself. lately i am so exhausted i have troubling articulating.

ok, another one for this list:

"hey can't your ex wife help?"

[MooseMom]

"hey can't your ex wife help?"

OK, this one made me laugh!  What did your DH say to this?

[The Noob]

he actually said "sure"