Dialysis Jokes

[kitkatz]

How many dialysis patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, Ask the tech to do it since we can't get up.

Why did the dialysis patient cross the road?

To get to DaVita, RAI, (or whatever clinic you go to).

How many people does it take to hold down a dialysis patient while they are getting stuck with large needles?

None, we are not stupid about it!

How many people does it take to hold down a non dialysis patient?

We never have been able to figure that out. They keep running and screaming when they see the needles!


 
Katherine

[kevno]

Some funny, not the one about how many people it takes to hold you down to get a needle in.

I know the answer to that one, none now. But when I was ten years old on  haemo it was three two to hold me down, one to get the needle in. Plus Valium to calm me down. Plus my arm strapped to a board he keep my arm straight.

Kevno.

[Epoman]

Some funny, not the one about how many people it takes to hold you down to get a needle in.

I know the answer to that one, none now. But when I was ten years old on  haemo it was three two to hold me down, one to get the needle in. Plus Valium to calm me down. Plus my arm strapped to a board he keep my arm straight.

Kevno.

Yeah, I knew Kevno would not like that particular joke.

[kitkatz]

I figured not everyone would think some were funny.

Kevno,
I remember being held down as a kid and subjected to medical interventions.  Not all as bad as dialysis, but I know some of what you feel.   Love to your little ones inside of you who still remember the pain. May they find healing in some way.

Katherine

[kitkatz]

You know you've joined a pretty cheap ass health plan when...

Pedal-powered dialysis machines.

[kitkatz]

Okay Ya'all. I went on line and looked for some dialysis jokes.  There are two out there and they are not very funny.  Let's see what we can come up with.  Post you dialysis jokes if you have any. Also if you know any funny dialysis sites post them.   There HAS to be something funny out there! Besides ME, of course!

[okarol]

Not a dialysis joke, per se, but a reference to:

        What Is Old?

Old is when your friends compliment your lovely new alligator shoes and you're bare-foot.

Old is when the Doc stops giving you x-rays and just holds you up to the light.

Old is when the term "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

Old is when a gorgeous lady catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door!

Old is when an "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

Old is when the only porn you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis."

Old is when the wife says to you, "Darling, let's go upstairs and make love", and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

~Karol

[Epoman]

Not a dialysis joke, per se, but a reference to:

        What Is Old?

Old is when your friends compliment your lovely new alligator shoes and you're bare-foot.

Old is when the Doc stops giving you x-rays and just holds you up to the light.

Old is when the term "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

Old is when a gorgeous lady catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door!

Old is when an "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

Old is when the only porn you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis."

Old is when the wife says to you, "Darling, let's go upstairs and make love", and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

~Karol

LOL, very good. 

[angieskidney]

lol those are GREAT!! 

[jbeany]

How about funnies from some supportive friends. . .

I went out last night with two of my friends, Bridgette and Tam.  We went to see a band and dance a bit.  It was girls' night out, but we figured it was going to be pretty tame since both of them had to be up at 6 am the next day because of their kids' ball games.  Tam likes to drink, but she was driving.  I don't drink at all, of course.  Bridgette. . .well. . . have you heard the country song "Tequila makes her clothes fall off"?. . .that's Bridgie.  So she was having diet coke to drink, just to be safe.

One of Bridgette's friends was at the bar.  He was feeling very little pain when he spotted us, and he made it to our table and began insisting that he was going to buy everyone a drink.  Really, really  insisting, to the point of being obnoxiously pushy.  (He's partied with Bridgette before, you see.)  He spent the next hour trying to convince us all to tell him what we wanted to drink.  When he couldn't get Bridg to tell him, he started getting pushy with Tam and I, hoping that if we had something, she would too.  I finally convinced him that I would if I could, but I simply didn't want anything, not even water.  Exasperated, he whined, "There must be something I can get you!"  and Bridgette pipes up "Yeah, she needs a kidney!"  Too drunk to really get what she just said, he agrees with "I can to do that!"

Tam, watching him swaying on his feet next to our table, snorts, "Good thing you don't need a liver!"

[Ken Shelmerdine]

Here's an idea. How about if some  of us with only about 5% kidney function got together to form a syndicate of about 10 people. Between us as live donors providing we tissue matched we could provide a lucky recipient with 50% kidney function. OK....so the guy or gal has to make room for 20 kidneys... placed in different parts of the body, and maybe one on the head, but think of it, we'd be the first live donors in history to donate both kidneys!! lets face it they're not much use to us are they?

I spoke to a really nice man at clinic just recently...said he was a psychiatrist.....can't think why he was so interested in me though.

[kitkatz]

Here's an idea. How about if some  of us with only about 5% kidney function got together to form a syndicate of about 10 people. Between us as live donors providing we tissue matched we could provide a lucky recipient with 50% kidney function. OK....so the guy or gal has to make room for 20 kidneys... placed in different parts of the body, and maybe one on the head, but think of it, we'd be the first live donors in history to donate both kidneys!! lets face it they're not much use to us are they?

I spoke to a really nice man at clinic just recently...said he was a psychiatrist.....can't think why he was so interested in me though.

I can!  

[kevno]

Good (Old Timer!) jokes reminded me of someone with a big STICK

[kitkatz]

Good (Old Timer!) jokes reminded me of someone with a big STICK

They should remind you of me! After all I have style and panache to spare!

[jbeany]

A side effect they ought to list on epo and aranesp . . .

[Joe Paul]

A side effect they ought to list on epo and aranesp . . .

Wow, and all this time I thought it was a WIFE that caused that, LOL.

[jbeany]

No - husbands who play with toys! 

[kitkatz]

No - husbands who play with toys! 

I hear that one!!! My hubby's toys are getting very expensive now!

[myricle child]

i got one like yours:
how many dialysis pts does it take to change a light bulb?
none. since you cant get up, ask the tech who wont do it!. lol!

How many dialysis patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, Ask the tech to do it since we can't get up.

Why did the dialysis patient cross the road?

To get to DaVita, RAI, (or whatever clinic you go to).

How many people does it take to hold down a dialysis patient while they are getting stuck with large needles?

None, we are not stupid about it!

How many people does it take to hold down a non dialysis patient?

We never have been able to figure that out. They keep running and screaming when they see the needles!


 
Katherine

[kitkatz]

A dialysis patient failed her emergency procedures check at the clinic the other day.
When asked what seps she would take in case of a fire..... she answered..."Damned big ones!"