Anymore Brits out there on Dialysis?

[Ken Shelmerdine]

Count Von Hawkeye, Please help stop this madness! What size kilt do you need? 

So everyone is giving away titles now, and how would dressing me in a kilt help stop this madness?  Though I have to say my wife has been teasing me for a few years now that she was going to get me one.  Since I opened my big mouth and posted in this crazy world I guess I am stuck now.  If I am to be a Count I think a monocle will be in order to complete the look.  I don't know why but I have always thought of Counts having monocles unless they are of the Dracula variety.  Too many cheesy movies I guess.

  Welcome to the court Count Hawkeye the Monacled One. We need all the men we can get to guard ourselves from those who plainly plotteth  against us. But the ladies concerned are to be taught a lesson in the Tower dungeons where they will be forced to whip and torture us until they submit to defeat. 

[Hawkeye]

Welcome to the court Count Hawkeye the Monacled One. We need all the men we can get to guard ourselves from those who plainly plotteth  against us. But the ladies concerned are to be taught a lesson in the Tower dungeons where they will be forced to whip and torture us until they submit to defeat. 

Sounds like a smashing good time all around.

[Ken Shelmerdine]

Sounds like a smashing good time all around.

Send Romona your kilt measurements including any areas needing extra material.




EDITED:  Fixed quote error - Goofynina/Admin.

[Romona]

Count Von Hawkeye, Please help stop this madness! What size kilt do you need? 

So everyone is giving away titles now, and how would dressing me in a kilt help stop this madness? Though I have to say my wife has been teasing me for a few years now that she was going to get me one. Since I opened my big mouth and posted in this crazy world I guess I am stuck now. If I am to be a Count I think a monocle will be in order to complete the look. I don't know why but I have always thought of Counts having monocles unless they are of the Dracula variety. Too many cheesy movies I guess.

Dressing in a kilt does nothing to stop this madness. Also taking of your shirt doesn't do much as well, but I like a little eye candy. 

[Romona]

Things are strangely quiet. Where is Princess Angela the confused, the Countess KitKatz? The Dame. Paris? 
The Dutchess Bajanne? Grammalady?

What have you fiends done with them? 

[goofynina]

  Pssssst, hey, Ramona, it is I, Damn Dame Goofynina,  they have me locked away in the dungeon, round up the possee and get me the hell out of here. 

[Sluff]

it is I, Damn Dame Goofynina, they have me locked away in the dungeon,

And you seem to be enjoying every minute of it.

[goofynina]

it is I, Damn Dame Goofynina, they have me locked away in the dungeon,

And you seem to be enjoying every minute of it.

RUBBISH!!! RUBBISH I SAY!!!!  *takes cup and bangs bars*  LET ME OUT, LET ME OUT, LET ME OUT!!!!  This is no way to treat the Damn Dame, you just wait until my girls get here, oooooooh, you men are sooooooo in trouble 

[Romona]

Here we go again, Paris my Ativan please.  We've got a plane to catch.

The last time Ken picked me up from the airport my luggage mysteriously disappeared.
I am not wearing a mini skirt, stilletos and halter top again.

How can I scale castle walls dressed like that. 

[goofynina]

Here we go again, Paris my Ativan please.  We've got a plane to catch.

The last time Ken picked me up from the airport my luggage mysteriously disappeared.
I am not wearing a mini skirt, stilletos and halter top again.

How can I scale castle walls dressed like that. 

But Ramona,  dressed like that you can create a diversion and Paris can scale the wall   Please, get me the hell out of here!!!!

[Sluff]

Silly! Silly! Foolish  Dam Dame to think anyone can get through the moat full of alligators, not to mention there is no access to the dungeon from outside. It is underground Ha ha ha!!!  Come and try, you'll never get in.

[paris]

Ok , here is the deal---Ken is already giving me such a hard time for shopping too much.  So I have returned EVERY last little thing to Harrods. It was quite humiliating to try to explain why I had to return all the lovely trinkets and such.  How does one defend a Lord and Master who gives and then taketh away?  And now Sluff has Goofynina locked up and Romona and I are suppose to scale a castle wall??   Do you understand I can barely "scale" my stairs?  Oh I forgot--fantasy kingdom!        I will find my climbing boots, get some ropes, remind Romona to get there on time---who shall we use for a diversion?    Glitter, yeah that's a good idea.  With a name like Glitter, she will be all sparkly and shiney and can blind the guards while we try to save Goofynina!  And the adventure begins!

[Romona]

Count Von Hawkeye is fyling us in his private jet.
Can't get my Ativan refilled there is no 24 hour WalGreen's here.
I need a case of wine and a bag of Doritoes. 

[kitkatz]

Damn Dame, I am on my way...Now where am I going?   Oh yes.. to the tower cells of the dungeon. Did I get that right? 

[goofynina]

Yes, but please hurry, i overheard the one they call Sluff tell that old what'chamacallit, Kinky Ken??  That the gators were feasting on a dragon in the west wing and should be there for at least an hour or so, oh please hurry Lady Kitkatz.  I have called for help from Ladies Paris and Ramona but it sounds like they are joyriding in  a private jet with Count Von Hawkeye (ohhhh great, i see they've boosted their Male count by one)  Well, we will have to take Count Von Hawkeye and show him that those guys are up to no good, they like to torture women (not only that, they are wearing french maids uniforms) oooh la laaaaa, that i could get used to

[Sluff]

The more the merrier... You will be harder to find then the terrorist one on dialysis along the Pakistan border..I will keep the Dam Dame all to myself, may the rest of the ladies reek with jealousy.

[kitkatz]

Now that ain't right!

[Sluff]

Dam Dame once wanted to make me a court jester...paybacks are hell aren't they!   

[Romona]

Yes, but please hurry, i overheard the one they call Sluff tell that old what'chamacallit, Kinky Ken?? That the gators were feasting on a dragon in the west wing and should be there for at least an hour or so, oh please hurry Lady Kitkatz. I have called for help from Ladies Paris and Ramona but it sounds like they are joyriding in a private jet with Count Von Hawkeye (ohhhh great, i see they've boosted their Male count by one) Well, we will have to take Count Von Hawkeye and show him that those guys are up to no good, they like to torture women (not only that, they are wearing french maids uniforms) oooh la laaaaa, that i could get used to

Good news Duchess Bajanne single handedly captured the alligators and is in France having them made into shoes and matching bags for all of us.
That rascal Ken has filled the moat with imitation chocolate to try and trap the Lady KitKatz (but she can't be fooled).
Hang in there, Paris and I will be late. All that was open was a 7-11. We had to settle for wine in a box and stale pork rinds. Count Von Hawkeye is in jail (something about sports memorabilia). He is so dashingly handsome when he looks at you with his good eye. If it wasn't for that We'd let him rot. We're trying to raise bail.
I think the Grammalady is in a coma, she never got her tea. Update on Princess Angela the Confused, she teamed up with the Rimbo Brothers in Vegas and they are filling in for Siegfried and Roy.

[Ken Shelmerdine]

Viscount Sluff. You guard the west gate with your mighty weapon and I'll guard the east gate with my big ugly pikestaff.
Make sure the Damn Dame remains in chains.

 Meanwhile I have stood bail  for Count Von Hawkeye with some of the money Lady Romona has refunded me and he rides to the tower as we speak. From now on we must comunicate in the coded language of the greater crested dung beetle for maximum secrecy and total lunacy. Here is a coded message, take note, I shall say this only once:-

$^"{??#  +-(*&^%!.//##  <$£**\$*""" Act on this immediately and reply to me in the same code. 

[Sluff]

(*)23&*(%()^%$)_%^Q( )  Thank you Sir!!*(%$)!@#R   

[Ken Shelmerdine]

(*)23&*(%()^%$)_%^Q( )  Thank you Sir!!*(%$)!@#R   

Couldn't agree more Viscount. We'll wait til they get here and then we'll *£%":@'~# ,<':[{   (7%£&"

&*(%£(@>: and even if they :@^<:@$£*())$@??~ we'll :>@*&£::@£"%* as well

[AlasdairUK]

(*)23&*(%()^%$)_%^Q( ) Thank you Sir!!*(%$)!@#R

Don't give the game away, you should be more careful. You never know who might be watching!

[Ken Shelmerdine]

(*)23&*(%()^%$)_%^Q( ) Thank you Sir!!*(%$)!@#R

Don't give the game away, you should be more careful. You never know who might be watching!

We must be so Vigilant. By the way Alasdair do you want a title or have I already given you one? (A title I mean)

[AlasdairUK]

(*)23&*(%()^%$)_%^Q( ) Thank you Sir!!*(%$)!@#R

Don't give the game away, you should be more careful. You never know who might be watching!

We must be so Vigilant. By the way Alasdair do you want a title or have I already given you one? (A title I mean)

I'm normally refered to as Mister, but on occassions I have been called %^&*("). I'm still waiting for my visit to the Queen for at least a CBE