Kitkat's Poetry

[kitkatz]

When do I get to have fun?
When life gets to be too much
and I can’t handle it anymore
 I have to run in circles and scream
 I have to stand and scream it out.
But that is stress relief
Not fun.
Where is the fun?
I miss the fun.

Ring around the Rosie
Hopscotch
Blowing bubbles in the sunlight
Rolling down a grassy hill
With the sun beating down.
Playing tag.
Barefoot, summertime, till after dark.
Dozing off under a shady tree
With a book beside you.
Picnic basket shared with friends.
Now that is fun!

Dialysis, sharp needles
Blood running from pump to body.
Cold buildings.
Nurses, techs, dietitians, social workers.
Bills piling up
Because you cannot work anymore.
Medicare, social security, paperwork,
Just to get by.
Chronic Illness in my life.
Death looking over my shoulder.
This is not fun!

Watching movies on a personal DVD player.
Drinking an ice cold Cola.
Crunching on a cup of cold ice.
Reading a book from cover to cover.
Putting a warm pack under a blanket.
Talking to people who really care.
Headphones that block out the noise.
A TV that works, with cable channels.
Days on dialysis can be good
Sometimes.




But I still miss the fun
Spontaneity
The ability to pick up and go
Travel where I want
When I want to
Go and do and be
Whenever and however I want.
Now I have to plan it all out
Be sure to schedule and plan my life.
Fun has to be planned now.

It is the price I pay
For life.


K. Soto 4/28/2007

[okarol]

well said, my friend
 

[kitkatz]

And Okarol helped with a few lines in that poem, as did Missyanne and Earlinda in a chat room. See what you miss?

[kitkatz]

On my knees crawling forward
Looking around searching
For that next rock.
The rock I am going to throw
At God.
I am going to wrap a prayer around it
And heave it toward heaven.
I hope the angels duck
for God is a good catcher.
I have no patience left.
I am worn down from my feet
Onto my knees.
The only reason I move forward
Is to find the next rock to throw.
Struggle onward, ever forward
Searching, moving on struggling.
I wonder what God does with my rocks?’
Does God build a stairway to heaven
With my rocks?
Is he building my promised mansion
With every rock of prayer I throw?
Is God an architect?
He allowed me to design my life.
And I have screwed it up somehow.
So here I am on my knees
Throwing another rock
At God.



K. Soto   April 28, 2007

[kitkatz]

I wandered through hell
This year.
Hoping the devil would not notice
I had been visiting.
I think I had angels
Walking with me through hell.
I have no idea why they came.
I think sometimes,
They put out the flames
I got myself caught up in.
I can hear the angels
laughing in my ears.
Lucky it was not the devil
whispering in my ears.
I don’t think the devil
Even noticed I was there.
I can’t see how.
I stomped my way through
The depths of hell
Leaving footprints everywhere.
It was
The angels’ laughter
That kept me going.
I had to know what was so funny.
I can still feel
the flames of hell
on my heels.

K.Soto 4/28/07

[Bajanne]

Wow!  That was great, Kitkatz!

[okarol]

I wandered through hell
This year.
Hoping the devil would not notice
I had been visiting.
I think I had angels
Walking with me through hell.
I have no idea why they came.
I think sometimes,
They put out the flames
I got myself caught up in.
I can hear the angels
laughing in my ears.
Lucky it was not the devil
whispering in my ears.
I don’t think the devil
Even noticed I was there.
I can’t see how.
I stomped my way through
The depths of hell
Leaving footprints everywhere.
It was
The angels’ laughter
That kept me going.
I had to know what was so funny.
I can still feel
the flames of hell
on my heels.

K.Soto 4/28/07

thats hot kit

[kitkatz]

Thoughts on Dialysis

As I walk into the clinic
I see faces I have seen before.
Patients, nurses and techs
All here for one thing.
Dialysis.
Nurses are here to supervise.
Techs are here to put on the machines
and guide us through procedures
All related to
dialysis.
Needles,tubes, kidneys, etc.
All put to good use.
I am the patient.
I am here for four hours.
Here we go again!
Dialysis.
Some days I would rather go to the mall
Than come here and get stuck with needles.
Other days I am so fluid overloaded
I am glad to see the machine.
So here I sit doing
Dialysis.
Again!

[kitkatz]

Frustration

My feelings were hurt.
Oh well.
You made me mad.
Oh well.
I did not express myself.
Oh well.
The frustration builds.
Oh well.
I yell.
Oh well.
I cry inside.
Oh well.
I cry on the outside
Oh well.
I try to talk about it.
Oh well.
I get angry.
Oh well
Stress starts.
Oh well.
I get sick.
Oh well.
You lose me.
Oh well.

K. Soto November 28, 2007

[Romona]

I think you captured it so well.

[paris]

You are great with words, Kitkatz. Thanks for sharing with us.

[Jamesw]

Frustration

My feelings were hurt.
Oh well.
You made me mad.
Oh well.
I did not express myself.
Oh well.
The frustration builds.
Oh well.
I yell.
Oh well.
I cry inside.
Oh well.
I cry on the outside
Oh well.
I try to talk about it.
Oh well.
I get angry.
Oh well
Stress starts.
Oh well.
I get sick.
Oh well.
You lose me.
Oh well.

K. Soto November 28, 2007

Wow that's exactly how I feel sometimes.
Thank you for putting that in words.

[Sluff]

coolio kit.

[KT0930]

On my knees crawling forward
Looking around searching
For that next rock.
The rock I am going to throw
At God.
I am going to wrap a prayer around it
And heave it toward heaven.
I hope the angels duck
for God is a good catcher.
I have no patience left.
I am worn down from my feet
Onto my knees.
The only reason I move forward
Is to find the next rock to throw.
Struggle onward, ever forward
Searching, moving on struggling.
I wonder what God does with my rocks?’
Does God build a stairway to heaven
With my rocks?
Is he building my promised mansion
With every rock of prayer I throw?
Is God an architect?
He allowed me to design my life.
And I have screwed it up somehow.
So here I am on my knees
Throwing another rock
At God.



K. Soto   April 28, 2007

My favorite. 

[The Wife]

Your poetry is very touching Kitkatz.  Please keep sharing. 

[kitkatz]

I gave this poem as a Toastmasters speech tonight.

Life is Killing Me
Dialysis is not killing me.
ESRD is trying to kill me.
Neither is going to get me yet.


Life is killing me.
I hope to die one day gracefully.
However I don’t think it is going to happen.
I will probably go out in a blaze of glory.
All rushed and pushed to my destiny.
Twenty minutes late because someone wanted something
And I had to stop and answer the question or request.

Yes, Life is slowly killing me.
They say the average life expectancy of a woman is 85.
The life expectancy of a man is 80. 
I don’t know why women outlive men.
Maybe it has to do with hormones or paybacks.
Maybe it gives the women some time to themselves
After having man around for so many years.
I know I will want some silence from the nightly snoring one day.

Yes, life is killing me quickly.
Diet has become a number one killer now.
People over drink, over eat, and overindulge in everything.
Just look at me.
Food is supposed to be our friend, but everywhere you look it is portrayed as the ultimate enemy.
Some foods are bad, some foods are good.
They change the titles on them every day if not every hour.
It is a struggle to maintain your sanity in this world, much less maintain your weight.

Yes, life is killing me!
Stress is a cause of many, many maladies in the human body.
People stress other people out.
Work stresses people out.
It leaves one drained at the end of each day.
There are bosses and especially those coworkers
That know everything
And they assure you that you don’t know anything.
Stress kills.

However, life is killing me!
I see some happiness.
I see some sadness.
I see children growing and learning.
I see adults still growing and learning.
I see joy.
I see sorrow.
I see empathy and sympathy.

I see that life is slowly killing me.
But then
What the hell!
If the spectre of death is going to ride shotgun
With me.
I am going to give him one hell of a ride.
We will show up at the pearly gates and he will say:
Holy cow! Here she is!

Yes, life is killing me.
But then what isn’t?



Copyright K. Soto April 8, 2008

[okarol]

  Well done Kit!
Yes, life is terminal!

[Bajanne]

Tremendous!  Not only IHD's resident superwoman, but also our Poet Laureate!!   

[twirl]

Kitkatz

have you ever considered writing a poem book especially for children on dialysis

[monrein]

 Thanks for sharing your poems with us Kit  I really enjoy reading them.
Gail

[kitkatz]

I am just writing for me.  I have over 150 poems written now. Not all about dialysis. Some about emotional healing, others just poems I wrote.

[The Wife]

I don’t know why women outlive men.
Maybe it has to do with hormones or paybacks.
Maybe it gives the women some time to themselves
After having man around for so many years.
I know I will want some silence from the nightly snoring one day.



We will show up at the pearly gates and he will say:
Holy cow! Here she is!


Copyright K. Soto April 8, 2008

The lines I quoted made chuckle. 

Holy cow, here she is! 

You've got a great spirit Kitkatz.  Thanks for sharing.

[kitkatz]

I Keep My Soul In A Pickle Jar

I used to keep my soul in a pickle jar
In the deep dark recesses
of the basement in my mind.
It got loose once
And terror reigned throughout the land
In the form of
The dragon from my soul.
It rampaged through the house.
It told everyone exactly what it thought
Whether it was nice or not.
It torched a few things
While it was at it
 Just for a little fun.
I chased it.
Caught it by the tail.
It discovered
to its chagrin
It could not hurt me.
I surprised my soul!
It told me what it thought of me.
I needed to tell it something.
So I told it
I love you!
The dragon shrank to manageable size.
I now keep my soul in a pickle jar
In the basement of my heart.

By Katherine Soto 
Copyright January 24. 2007

[monrein]

Thanks KK.  I love it.

[okarol]