Why? Why were we chosen? Why?

[StarryNight16]

Dear fellow dialysis patients and caregivers, y'all helped me out in my last question ("How? How do we do this?") with some straight talk and some tough love. Maybe you can help me with this question: why us? I mean, yes, there are lots of reasons and there's no reason at all, but I wonder, for each of you, how do you answer this to yourself, what do you tell yourself in those dark nights when you wonder why some of us were chosen for this road and some of us were not. What is your answer when you ask yourself this question, because I still don't know how to answer it for myself. Thanks.

[MooseMom]

Out of all of the questions I asked of myself, of my doctors and of God, "Why me?" was not one of them.

I was never chosen for this road.  I don't believe life works like that.

Stick with working to find the answers to "How?  How do we do this?"  Please don't waste precious time and energy with the "why" stuff. 

 

[kristina]

I agree completely with MooseMom and I would like to add that one of the answers you are looking for is : genetically inherited diseases...
In my case I inherited an extremely rare form of Systemic Lupus and Mixed Connective Tissue Disease with some other rare medical components from my genetic mother, who died shortly after my birth because of medical complications.
As you can see, in my case it was a question of genetically inherited diseases which "usually" also lead to kidney failure...
But ...I have always believed that the point is not the fact that one suffers from whatever diseases, but how to make sure to survive despite these diseases with an acceptable quality of life ...

[Charlie B53]

Most of us Believe in a Supreme Power, the Great Creator of Everything which has many names among the various Religions.

I Believe that Life is a series of 'Tests' put before us to teach us so many things that we are not aware of.  While unable to make sense of much, we do learn, and through our interaction with others we pass on much of what we have learned.

All we can do is keep trying.

Take Care,

Charlie B53

[StarryNight16]

I know (to answer my own question) it is indeed a genetically inherited event, and so that's the immediate answer to why my wife got kidney disease. But I still don't know why this happened to us. Plenty of people carry these genetic markers and don't get sick, and then there are some people, like all of us reading this, who just get dealt the wrong hand of cards and are sitting at the wrong table.

And I still don't know why. I don't know why there is so much suffering in the world, and why some of us are asked to bear so much of it. I don't know why a kind and loving God can ask this of us. I don't know if God really is kind and loving or whether He simply set everything in motion and then just hopes for the best.

I do know, I think I know, that we are defined not by what happens to us but by how we respond to it, and that is my hope, that I can be the quiet hero who takes care of his wife and his children, and who can look back at the end of his life with the satisfaction of a job fairly well performed. But oh, how I wish I had an easier path.

[kickingandscreaming]

Who says we have a "kind and loving God?"  Not me.  Life is a crapshoot and on top of that, Karma is a bitch.

[Marilee]

"Chosen"? I don't see it that way. To me, every biological entity, while miraculous and beautiful, is temporary. It's amazing how many processes can falter and fail - the variety of diseases attests to that. It happens to people, to animals, to birds, every living thing (that isn't eaten first). I doubt that some intelligence beyond is saying, "I know - kidney failure for Joe!".

Stuff happens. My hubby got PTSD while in the VietNam war. He also got high blood pressure. He also was exposed to Agent Orange and thus got Ischemic Heart Disease. And now he's dealing with ESRD as a byproduct of the high blood pressure. Some of this can be traced back to the fact that he joined the Navy, so he sees all of this as a combination of the results of his own choices and decisions, his own genetic make-up and the time and place into which he was born.

One thing I do know: If life were a bowl of cherries, we'd learn nothing. We'd be like the Eloy in "The Time Machine". Adversity builds knowledge, character, and solutions. It also is quite painful, leading possibly to spiritual challenge and potential growth.

That's Life.

[lulu836]

My answer for me and me only is:

One dark and stormy night God was pacing the halls of Heaven because She was bored.  Every Jimmy Chu heel that struck the golden street set off a spark and created rolling thunder.  Every swirl of Her Versace gown created a vortex. " What to do.........what to do.....what ... to......."  At that moment I strolled past a window and BOOM! I was done for..... because at that moment God saw me not doing my part to maintain Earth and She did not like it even a little bit.  So--She pointed Her well manicured index finger at me and said "YOU!"  "HERE!"

Normally, it would be an honor to be recognized on any night by God just not this night.  The gist of what She told me is that because I was an only child born on Christmas Eve (that part is true) I was truly blessed with good health, good jobs and good friends.  So having lived, and while continuing to lead, a long life AND since I am the last leaf on my family tree there are some left over illnesses that were supposed to go to many relatives but they are all waiting "up there" for me to arrive.  She cannot in all fairness leave these trials and tribulations just lying around so they have been assigned to me to fulfill the family legacy.  HBP, stroke, atherosclerosis, arthritis, removal of at least two organs, ESRD.....the list goes on.

Although the story is mostly not true that IS "my why".  Some folks get the short stick.

[MooseMom]

StarryNight, I'm not sure there is much honor in being a "quiet hero".  Don't be quiet!  Fight!  Fight for better dialysis.  Be an advocate.  Closely observe the quality of the care your wife is receiving.  If you know of other people on dialysis who are hurting and need support, send them to IHD.  Be involved.  Be an advocate.  Support and be vocal about organ donation.  There are many people on IHD who have refused to be quiet.

[MooseMom]

lulu, I've never asked God why She chose me (and why She chose Versace, which can be garish if She overdoes it with the accessories), but I've often asked Her why She chose my son and gave him autism.  It seemed so, well, wasteful.  Being "chosen" oneself is bad enough, but when She chooses your only child, I get angry.  And oh, so sad.

I hope She chooses you to have a long life to come.   

[Michael Murphy]

My answer to the question why me Is Why not me?  My whole lIfe has been predicated by luck,  after being thrown out of Colledge my father got me a job at AT&T where one day they said to me take this test if you pass it we will send you to programming class.  That started a 40 year career as a systems programmer at AT&T, New York City, and HP which I would have paid to do.  For most of my 40 years were spent bringing new technology into production systems.  I was a early participant in UNIX, TCP, DEC Computers, 3B computers, Sun systems,  Raid technology, and more.  It was a blast.  Spending my retirement years on dialysis is a minor payment for a life spent installing and managing multi million dollar machines.

[Simon Dog]

Holy crap!!!    Someone else who actually used a 3B2 and 3B5.

[Marilee]

And another: I was a Software and Systems Engineer since 1977 for Bell & Howell (back when they were a very different company), Hughes Aircraft, Rockwell Collins and most recently Eclipse Aviation. Mostly programming in FORTRAN and 'C' on DEC machines, CP/M and Unix platforms until they learned I could manage people and processes. Hubby was a hardware and machine language guy, and we met at work 

[Michael Murphy]

Never used a 3B5 but used tons of the 3B2 and 3B20s.  In fact as far as I know the 20`s are still used by AT&T to control the phone network.  The army used the 3B2`s in 1991 during the gulf war.  They dropped one out of a chopper from 30 accidentally and after they cleaned the box off it worked like a charm.  The 2`s were also the original development box for UNIX 5.

[lulu836]

Hate Unix!

[PrimeTimer]

Whenever I find myself asking the "Why me" question, it is usually the result of my being overstressed and very tired. I then do a reassessment and think of ways to make life easier. I think of what tires me out the most or what stresses me out the most and what I can change. As for stuff that cannot be changed, I reassess how I look at it and how I might be able to change my attitude or outlook. For instance, after treatment today my husband came home and we spent the rest of the day going out and doing whatever came to mind. We laughed, we ate and shopped. We had a good time and not once did we ask ourselves "why us". At least not today. Today was a good GREAT day. War game things a bit, do a reassessment and find ways to make your life easier and more bearable. Sounds like you are at the point.

[Michael Murphy]

Loved UNIX, 10000 lines of c and assembler were sent out with each installation, the whole damn os and commands.  In 10 years from 1978 to 1988 I was learnings the internals by working with the code, writing drivers and having a great time.  Even ended up teaching UNIX internals in the AT&T data school in Piscataway.

[Simon Dog]

Loved Linux and variants.   This forum runs on Linux, plus I have several different databii on Linux servers, one with millions of records, all working wonderfully.    My most recent project was tracking down a bug in a commerce system that turned out to be a setting in the php.ini file.   Got loads of goodwill on that one because the original developer of the code was stumped.

I worked for a tech company designing PCB layout software many years ago, and we were using 3B2 (I think I was mistaken about the 3B5 - I looked up specs on that machine and am reasonably sure I didn't use it).  The grand plan was to sell our software on 3B systems, but it morphed to Apollo and Sun.   Eventually, the company folded and I got a $72 check for my stock option that was supposed to make me rich 

[StarryNight16]

So... does every discussion end up being about computer programming languages from the 70's and 80's? I'm just wondering...!

[lulu836]

Yes.  Its sort of a "remember when........." IT geek thing.  Makes us feel young again.  k?

C:/DOS
C:/DOS/RUN
RUN/DOS/RUN

[Michael Murphy]

Hated dos, until window came along used Unix on my pc`s

[cassandra]

So... does every discussion end up being about computer programming languages from the 70's and 80's? I'm just wondering...!

Maybe start a Geeky thread for the oldies? Like now?


Love, Cas (personal, not as moderator)

[kickingandscreaming]

So... does every discussion end up being about computer programming languages from the 70's and 80's? I'm just wondering...!

Gee, I hope not.  Nothing more boring and OT (and I'm even a computer professional) than reliving your relationship to Linux, mainframes, et al.

[iolaire]

I don't really dwell on the question of "why me."  But I am constantly thankful that my condition is what it is - it could be quite worse, or it could have been so bad that I would no longer be living and I'm happy that it grants me the good life I have.

[Simon Dog]

So... does every discussion end up being about computer programming languages from the 70's and 80's? I'm just wondering...!

Gee, I hope not.  Nothing more boring and OT (and I'm even a computer professional) than reliving your relationship to Linux, mainframes, et al.

Ok then, since you are tired of hearing about modern languages, let's get with the times.

I've recently been whiling away the time while I dialyze by learning Python - a language that didn't exist back then.  udemy.com has some excellent online courses for short money.   It's fairly easy to learn, but I still have to get familiar with the rather extensive standard library and shore up my understanding of dictionary argument packing and unpacking.    I've been approached by one company that may have an opportunity for me to do some machine automation using Python to drive an Arduino.