Bob's Blog 1-2-16: This, That, and Another Thing

Bob Here.

Happy New Year to all.

Passing along a few random thoughts while wondering whatever happened to Gabe Kaplan.

We can put a man on the moon, but we can't figure a way to dialyze somebody that doesn't involve needles the size of Godzilla's toothpicks?

Travelling while on dialysis never ceases to be an adventure.

It kills me when the airlines say they have a "very full flight." I always thought of "full" as being an absolute. The flight is either full or it isn't. Unless they're seating extra people in the overheads, how can a flight be "very full?"

E-cigarettes? To me, inhaling any foreign substance into your lungs sounds a little crazy. Then again, shoving two one-inch, 15-gauge needles into your own arm five times a week doesn't exactly seem real normal either.

I am going to forget this football season ever took place. So if you start a conversation with something like, "Hey, how about that game last night, huh?" you will now understand my corresponding blank stare.

Spoiling your grandchildren, then leaving their parents to deal with the carnage may not seem very nice. But, trust me, it's a lot of fun.

When you do home hemo and go in-center as a visitor, just expect people (staff and other patients alike) to gawk when you place your own needles. They will then proceed to look at you like you're a space alien for the balance of your treatment.

Forcing us innocent TV viewers to watch political ads should be banned as cruel and unusual punishment.

Do you know what the abbreviation IoT means? Answer and explanation later. How's that for building suspense?

Try to sell me on the internet being the greatest modern technological breakthrough if you want, but my vote still goes to the Keurig coffee maker.

On the same note, others might get embarrassed if someone caught them on the floor bowing to their Keurig, but not this guy.

The most brilliant members of our society? I know, I know. Rocket Scientists, Brain Surgeons, yada yada yada. Yes, they're a smart lot, but from my perspective, anyone who understands the current health care rules and laws has them beat. Hands down.

In honor of the new Star Wars movie, some theaters were showing all seven films consecutively. To the same audience. Personally, I'd rather have my toenails pulled out with pliers.

Being on dialysis is to exercise what having acrophobia is to being a tightrope walker.

Possible, just not easy.

Is there a more incomprehensible concept than Kim Kardashian making $53 million last year? If there is, I am listening...

While I was in-center recently, a young attendant came over and asked me what my favorite meme was from the past year. I told her I'd give it some thought, at least temporarily hiding the fact that I didn't know what a meme was.

I avoided a long line in the airport by checking in using one of those kiosks. I was really proud of myself and amazed at the technology. That is, until I got to the end of the process and the *#@%* thing told me it couldn't print my baggage check strip because it was out of ink. You gotta love modern technology.

Whoever runs the big dialysis companies (you know who they are) must have failed Business 101. They must have stayed home when they taught the part about the customer always being right.

Another time in another center, a young lady patient sitting next to me was filling out one of those magazine surveys. She asked me what the last thing was that made me cry. I gave it a minute, but when I told her it was "When I pulled out a nose hair wrong," I think she was less than impressed.

I have one word to describe the movie "Spotlight." Wow. That's it. Just Wow.

I know many shameless service providers take advantage of the elderly, but anyone doing so to my mother would have to face the fact that she could probably still lick 'em in a fair fight.

I quit drinking when I started dialysis and I know many of my fellow patients did the same. But nobody deserves to tie one on occasionally more than a dialysis patient. Another example of life being unfair.

If I could keep from falling down so much, I'd be a much better tennis player.

Likewise dancer.

The producers of current TV comedies should lock themselves in a room and watch a constant stream of replays of I Love Lucy, The Dick Van Dyke Show, Mary Tyler Moore, Cheers, The Odd Couple, and Bob Newhart. Then they might have a revelation. Shows do NOT have to be vulgar to be funny.

After treatment once, I couldn't decide whether to hold my sites, scratch my itching, or stretch out my cramp. So I just...fell down.

Let's get this straight: There's living at the beach. And there's living everywhere else. Got it?

I've never been able to sleep on a plane. Or on dialysis, for that matter.

If you've never seen a hockey game live, then you've never seen a hockey game.

Wouldn't the world be a better place if we all vowed to treat each other with civility? Doesn't sound that hard, does it?

If I could sleep while I was on dialysis, I'm pretty sure I'd only dream about vampires.

Oh yeah. This IoT thingy. It stands for Internet of Things. As I understand it, it refers to everything in our lives being interconnected. Soon, you'll be able to turn on the lights, start the oven, lower the volume on your stereo, and start your car all without moving. Does that sound like a couch potato's fantasy or what?

A hoverboard? Thanks, but I really don't need any help falling down.

Sometimes, dialysis makes you feel like a pinata after a kid's party.

I adamantly refuse to get on any ride that's going to turn me upside down.

Psst, all dialysis patients. Wanna be the life of your next party? Let everyone feel the buzz on your fistula. I promise. It'll be a real hoot.

Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton? Seriously?

I'd describe the fashion that I wear to the dialysis center as "nouveau hobo chic."

The racial divides in our society make me sad. We should all be better by now.

While we're doing a dialysis treatment at home, our cat looks at us like we're total whacks. Think he's onto something.

You know you've been living in New Hampshire for a while when 3-6 inches sounds like a dusting.

I know you're all on the edge of your seats wondering, so here are my picks: The best book I read in 2015 was Outlaw Platoon by Sean Parnell. The best movie was Spotlight. The best TV show was...uh...let me see now...oh yeah. I watched an amazing infomercial for the wearable towel. Does that count?

Winters like last year are the reason the Good Lord gave us snow blowers.

A reality show about Babies Behaving Badly? Think I'll pass.

What ever happened to good mystery writers?

For some reason, I can't watch an ad for the Apple Watch without thinking about Maxwell Smart.

The dialysis diet could basically be summed up as "bread and water." But only white bread and...you know...not too much water.

Best knock knock joke from the past year:
Knock knock
Who's there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
Damn, I didn't know you could yodel.
Cracks me up.

Oh, and did you hear about the guy who said, "My wife says I deny everything, but I really don't think it's a problem."

If there's anything more relaxing than looking at the ocean on your morning walk, I'd sure like to know what it is.

In the "one and done" category: When I was in college, I sold vacuum cleaners door-to-door.

Isn't it amazing when you're wearing headphones at the gym and someone still tries to talk to you? Just once I want to yell out, "Helloooo? If I wanted to talk, I wouldn't be wearing headphones!!"

During a very long treatment one time, a visiting doctor came over and asked how things were going. My response was something like, "Well, you could make the treatments a little longer. Make the needle insertions a little more painful. Keep me from eating some more of the things that I love. And, hey. How about dreaming up a few more miserable side effects?" He just stood there staring at me. I don't think he got my sense of humor.

What was I thinking? This is the age of the internet. I just looked up Gabe Kaplan. He's alive and well and active in the World Series of Poker. Guess we could call his new show "Welcome Back to Reality."

I'm Bob Northam and I approved this message. (See? The political ads have gone to my brain.)

Thanks for reading. Take care.