I just can't take anymore!

[honeysuckle417]

Hello, I am so sorry to post this, but I just can't do this anymore. It has nothing to do with my partners illness, I told him and would do all and everything for him...move mountains, whatever it takes, but he has no respect for me and hasn't for quite a long time. I have been with this man for 25 years, through thick & thin ... always caring for his needs. When he became I'll with this damn diesase, I was by his side ... even after years of physical and mental abuse, still, by his side. Not all of our life together was horrible but he's turned sooooo negative that I just can't do it anymore. For the last 6 years, I have taken him to every Dr appointment, order and pick up all his meds, shop for all the food, do all the laundry, raised all our 10 kids, catered to all his needs from way before he became I'll. I check his blood sugars and have saved his life so many times I can't even tell you. I told him I'd support him, help him unconditionally... all I want from him is to treat me nicely. I always put him 1st and he is so ungrateful  it just breaks my heart.  I've been through the hemo, and now the pd.
Everyday he tells me how lousy of a person I am. Everyday he calls me a low life, ugly, gross fat pig, stupid, useless, retarded c*** b****, ignorant, looser, no fun, piece of s***, if you can think of it, he tells me that's me.
I make sure he has the proper diet foods, order all his supplies, comfort him, clip his nails, get his daily meds, trained with him and it still goes on.
I don't know what I can do for him. He's hateful, disrespectful and just all around mean. I can't take it anymore. He has no interest in me, as a person. I never cared how he looked, always there for him without question.
It's not my fault he's sick .... I have done and put up with more than any person would, but he still will not change. I offered my kidney to him.
I'm do scared that if I leave, he may die of a low blood sugar or something
I'm so broken. I'm 50 and just want to be happy. I could be happy but he just won't let us be. My heart is so broken. I don't know what to do. I love him, but just can't stand him anymore.
Myself, if I was sick like him, trust me, I'm not a spring chicken, especially after the life of abuse I've lived, I would want to make the best of it I could. I totally understand how much it sucks to be in his situation,  but damn it I am a person who has given him my all .... just to be pissed on daily.
Is it wrong for me to feel this way?
I see a psychologist and a therapist ( of course, I'm nuts and a mental case for it, according to him and he won't go with me. To the pd nurses, doctors and hemo techs, he's the life of the party, but behind closed doors, he's so hateful 
I have had to get up and walk out of Dr appointments because he has been do mean and embarrassing to me it's just unreal.
I'm sorry for such a long rant, or plead for help,  but I am at the end of my rope. I'm also raising our 8 year old granddaughter.
I've always made sure his needs were met no matter the problem,  illness or situation,  but he don't care. I'm like his slave to push around.
 
I am all he has. His kids aren't there for him, his own sister won't help him!
I really believe I'm done
I'm not  a looser, I'm not an idiot. I am a caring, loving nurturing soul with a heart full of compassion that has been stepped on so much that , to save my own life, just has to move on
I still feel bad. ...

[Simon Dog]

Hardest part of any couple therapy is getting both people to go with an open mind.  Often, one person is convinced "you need therapy, I don't, my behavior is perfect, I don't have a problem".    Even if you are convinced, you need to go together and both keep an open mind.

[honeysuckle417]

Everyday I wake up looking for a new start, I keep that little glimmer of hope in my heart .... an open mind .... always.
I'm just so confused
Thank you.

[MooseMom]

I am so very sorry that this is happening to you.  You do not deserve this.

I have never been in your situation, and I do not have any education in the fields of psychotherapy or anything like that, so perhaps that renders nonsense all that I have to suggest.

First of all, IHD is a site for everyone who is affected by kidney disease, and we are only all too aware that this disease affects our families, particularly our spouses.  So please do not ever apologize for posting your concerns or your fears. 

Secondly, you are probably right in assuming that, at least for now, therapy might be wasted on your husband.  Simon Dog is right in saying that couples therapy needs to approached with two open minds.  But that does not mean that therapy would be wasted on YOU, so I am very pleased to hear that you yourself are going.

If I may ask (and you certainly don't need to answer), what specific issues do you speak about to your therapist?  What is your goal?  Again, I have no experience here so my questions may be silly.  But after reading through your post several times, it seems to me that perhaps your goal should be to discover ways in which to shield yourself from your husband's abuse.  Find a way to make his works merely slide off your shoulders.  Equip yourself with Teflon skin because it seems very unlikely that your husband will suddenly discover his halo and will therefore quit abusing you. 

I appears to me that you have only three choices; you can leave (but I sense that you might not be able to live with yourself if you did that, though I could be wrong), you can speak to his other family members and try to enlist their help (any chance of that?), or you can try and not let him psychologically abuse you and allow his behavior to hurt you and to undermine your self-image.

I have no doubt that you are a loving and caring person; you've done so much for this man for so long, so your kind soul is certainly not in doubt.

I have a slight fear for the emotional well-being of your granddaughter.  Does she see how he treats you?  If so, surely it can't be good for her.

Does your therapist give you ideas on how to construct emotional armour and coping mechanisms?

I wish you well and hope you post often.  Yours is by no means the first story like this we have heard, and it won't be the last.  It makes me feel sad that you are hurting so much.  I hope things improve. 

[Charlie B53]

You will be Blessed in Heaven as you have more than earned your Angel Wings already.

Until your Husband is willing to recognize there is a serious problem and become willing to take an active part in finding it's source and a solution,  there is very little you can do other than you are already doing now.

He may be so angry with himself, inside, and containing it, that he finds his only release by abusing you.

I hate to advise you to leave him, but it may become necessary to limit your time with him.  If you were to say move in with one of the children, then come over only part-time, to help do many of the chores you do now.  That may transfer some responsibility on him for some of his own care.  And leave you more or less 'out of reach' of his abusive behavior.  Hopefully it wouldn't take him long to realize just how much you have been doing for him, and how much you do care for him.  And again, hopefully he will soon realize just how badly he has been treating you and want to change to get you back.

This could also be a good break for you and the Grandchild and allow you to rejoin, rebond with your children alienated by their Father.

I Pray that this is helpful.

Take Care,

Charlie B

[Bambino_Bear]

I am so sorry you are having to experience such heartache.  For whatever it's worth here are my two cents.

I am also a care giver.  My husband does PD at home with a cycler.  He handles most of the setup and treatment himself with my main job being to take care of the dogs once he is hooked up and get him drinks and snacks since he can not reach the kitchen.  Luckily he appreciates that I help him.

I love my husband more than anything in the world, BUT if he was abusive, refused to get help or go to therapy........I would leave.  Being ill does not give you a free pass to abuse someone.  I hope you find yourself in a better situation soon.   

 

~Nikki~

[kristina]

Hello,
I am so sorry about your dilemma and I agree with Charlie, that your husband may be angry with himself
and may "let out his frustration" on you, because you happen to be the one who is just there next to him ...
Wouldn't it be a good idea if you could take a little of your own "me-time" ... i.e. go into town for one or two hours on your own,
develop your own hobby and/or go to classes etc. and study or learn whatever you always wanted to study or learn?
This might help you both and create for you both a better chance to come to terms with the current overall situation?
I wish you both all the best and send you my kind regards,
good luck from Kristina.

[Michael Murphy]

No one should have to live the way you do.  Ann Landers used to ask people if they were better off with or without their spouse.  No one should be a punching bag fo make someone feel good about themselves.  Have you thought about a vacation. Take two weeks of me time without the slob and sees if he changes his tune.  If he is still the same then the Ann Landers question becomes important.  If your only thing he does is abuse you then my guess is he's dead weight emotionally and will continue to suck the life out of you. 

[KarenInWA]

My only advice is to run, Run, RUN as fast as you can and get thee to a divorce lawyer's office. I'm sorry, but who cares if he dies? He's overstayed his welcome on this earth as far as I'm concerned. I have no tolerance for abusive behavior - you shouldn't, either.

KarenInWA

[Charlie B53]

I am on PD using the cycler all night.  My six 'Dwells' are almost an hour and 15 minutes each.  I clamp off my hoses, recap the ends reusing that days cap, always being VERY careful handling and storing them on a NEW CLEAN STERILE paper so as to absolutely minimize any possibility of introducing any bacteria into a hose.

My PD Nurse doesn't necessarily approve, but I've been doing this for a year so far, so good.
Thus leaving me free to get about the rest of the house, kitchen, fix my own snack, drink, go  out to the garage and smoke, as I haven't smoked inside the house in over 30 years.

Whatever.  Using the Cycler allows so much greater freedom.  I wouldn't trade it for any other form of treatment, given the choice.

Your Husband CAN do things for himself.  He isn't totally incapable of taking some measure of responsibility for his own care.

If he has a problem with that, tell him to call me.  PM me and I'll give you my number, and address if needed.

He simply needs to realize that HE is the one that should be in control, NOT forcing you to wait on him hand and foot as if he were utterly helpless.

Take Care,

Charlie B

[Sibella]

I just want to put my arms around you and give you a hug. It sounds like you have stayed in a bad situation for far too long thinking you could make it better somehow. No one should have to suffer so much disrespect. You might be better off leaving, but what ever you do, please take care of yourself.

[honeysuckle417]

 
Thank you all for your kind, understanding words. This is so hard for me. Since I first posted this, he's had 2 surgeries, he had his cathater removed and replaced, his demeanor has changed, a bit, but, the kicker is, I can't leave, financially & I have no where to go. Also, he's actually my ex husband and now I'm going to be his PA. I will be getting paid for taking care of him. The bad part is he hold it over my head, and tells me hell have me fired everyother day, then he tells me what a good job I'm doing, keeping his supplies filled, rotated, bags heated, blood sugars & pressures taken, shots given, meds and supplies ordered, stocked, laundry done, dinner, kids, dogs & such. He'll turn around and tell me " The only way your getting a check is because of me & I can stop it anytime "
I'm so confused I want to leave, but i figure, I can save $ and do it. I can't now because I have no way to support myself yet. I keep positive & pray a lot.
I always see the cup half full, the silver lining and shit like that 
I'm not a hateful person, I'm full of love, understanding and compassion.

Thank you all for your imputed. I'm doing my best.
 

[Michael Murphy]

Just a quick question can't you contact a health aid agency and do this for a nicer person, I am sure there is a good person out there who needs a pa, still get paid but you don't have to take care of this idiot.

[honeysuckle417]

 
Hello everyone. I have come to a decision....I took the initiative....I came to him, with my heart open for a last ditch effort to fix things. I asked him and gave an ultimatum. All I want is for him to be nice to me, appreciate me. I don't want him to kiss my ass, just be nice. he said " Ok, so I'll say, please leave the room but I'll be thinking Get the p*ck out you p*cking looser, will that make you feel better?"
Well .... I'm spending this next week finding another job, taking my checks, kids & dogs and moving out in 3 weeks.
I feel I've done the best I could, tried with all I am. It's not my fault he is sick. I feel for him, it is so sad 
It is time for mew to live. He says I'm leaving because of the burden, I'm leaving because he is a prick!
Thank you all for listening to my plight. I have to move on.
All I wanted was to help him and he be kind to me. i didn't sign up for this for recognition or a reward, I did it because I love him and wanted to make his life, what he has left, nice.
I tried ..... I'm not shedding a tear .... only cuz it was a waste of 25 years; but on the other hand the last years of my life will be more comfy with my kids, granddaughter and I will not let him guilt me ... he had the choice ...

 
 

[Michael Murphy]

Congratulations on taking control of your future,  it will not be easy but without the constant attacks it should be better.  Check and see if there are local support groups for abused spouses clearly you were one not all abuse is physical,  some states will provide assistance with job help and counceling.  But you are making a positive step all I can say is good luck to you and remember you are not responcible for the idiots bad choices,  have a good life know a bunch of us are cheering for you.

[honeysuckle417]

Thank you all for your support. I'm not bailing because he's sick. I'm just looking out for me for a change. I would stick with him forever, all I wanted was him to be nice. That's a pretty good deal, I think.
Thanks again!
 

[nursey66]

Seems like you have tried everything ,please don't let guilt stop you, good luck and God bless you always.

[Deanne]

Being sick gives no one the right to abuse. I'm happy for the new future you're giving yourself.

 

[casper2636]

If you have to cripple yourself for love, chances are, it's not love that you are getting. Dance as fast as you can away from the lout! Life is hard enough with out having to fight up hill! The first step is always the hardest. You've  done it!

[Charlie B53]

How I hope that Honeysuckle visits us again and lets us know how well she is doing.

I am sure she is far better off in her new life since she took control.

Don't ya just love it when it turns out good for someone?  I know I do!