*huggles* required, please

[Poppylicious]

I thought that once Blokey owned my kidney our lives would be better.  And our lives ARE better but today I had a moment of overwhelming sadness. It was connected to the stupid meds and the stupid pharmacy and the stupid doctors at the stupid surgery, and it meant I walked home with tears just begging to be allowed to fall.  It wasn't even a Big Deal; it's a minor inconvenience where wires have been crossed and it's being sorted out this afternoon, which means another walk down to the pharmacy for me. 

I'm being completely irrational at the moment.  I'm so tired. I'm so moody. I'm thinking bizarre thoughts. EVERYTHING is reducing me to tears.  Last week I was on the phone to my Mummy and she was telling me how my brother's partner might have an issue with his liver.  "I don't think I can cope with any more worry," she said. When I put the phone down I sobbed for about fifteen minutes, not just sobs but SOBS of the heart-wrenching-feel-like-I-could-curl-up-and-die variety. I've realised that since Blokey's been ill I've never really talked about how *I* feel.  And I don't feel good. I'm not going to completely let you into my head because what you see in there might worry you, and it's things I don't think I could talk to anybody about, but I needed to say something to somebody and I chose you, ihd. I don't know who else to tell. I do blog about it but when I read back through my blogs I just think I must sound so miserable and self-pitying to the very few people who stumble upon it.

I've been treating Blokey really badly recently. I'm so incredibly moody and he bears the brunt of that moodiness, to the extent that I'm surprised he hasn't asked for a divorce yet (*sad face*). I know he's really worried about me, but he doesn't tell me because he thinks I'll shout at him.  I also know he doesn't understand why. I don't understand why. I have so many good things in my life, no reason to feel this way. But I do.

I've kidded myself for a long time that I can deal with my depression on my own, that I don't need help or intervention.  But in the last couple of months it's become apparent that it's too big for me to cope with alone and I'm having thoughts, panic attacks and incredible mood swings which I've never experienced before. I'm scaring myself. I want to be strong, but it's reached that point where I have to let go a bit and just recognise that I need *huggles* too.

And why am I telling you? Because I need to make an appointment with my GP (I plan to do it this afternoon when I go to pick up the meds) and I need to tell Blokey I've made an appointment. I don't think I'll actually do either of those things if I don't tell someone and have someone say to me, "Have you done it yet?" I can't tell anyone in Real Life because it's too difficult for me to do so I'm afraid you drew the short straw.

Sorry about that.

(I wasn't sure where to post this ... it's not directly related to being a caring wife, nor is it related to kidney failure, and I don't think it's related to being a living donor because I've been diagnosed with depression in the past ... other mods who think it should be someplace else are free to move it as they wish!)

[ToddB0130]

Hi Poppy ---

I hope it helps to hear that you ARE doing the right things right now by planning to address this.   You're seeing all the signs that something is 'off' and admitting you need help addressing it.   Being a caregiver and also a donor is an incredibly stressful thing and it sounds like you've been 'putting on a happy face' and not really dealing with the emotional issues and overwhelming feelings that also arise with this all.

So I say 'Congratulations' to you. You need to put yourself first and take care of these things .........and that will also roll down to all the other people in your life, including Blokey. 

It can be scary when you first have to arrange to talk with a professional about things.  I am very private and am not quick to speak,  but when all of my kidney problems arose,  I began to have such anxiety I started seeing a psychologist (whichever one it is that doesn't prescribe drugs .....ha ha).  If you are able to,  you should try to find a therapist or someone similar to talk to (perhaps a support group ?) ........ when you deal with someone one on one,  the time really is yours and they listen and you get to talk out your thoughts and feelings (this is especially important if you don't fell you can do that with close family and friends)

And there is no shame in seeking support ..........if therapists, psychologists and pyschiatrists didn't have enough business,  they'd be florists or something.

So, stay on the path you've started and get yourself some help.  You'll be glad you did.

And here's those huggles ....

P.S.   HAVE YOU CALLED YET ??










EDITED:Fixed tag errors-kitkatz,Admin

[Deanne]

Thank you for trusting us to be there for you.

You've been there for your Blokey for a long time. It makes sense to me that now that the transplant is completed, you crashed. At some level, this is probably the first time you've felt safe enough to acknowledge your own feelings, and now they're overwhelming you.

I hope you made that call.

 

[MooseMom]

Thank you for trusting us to be there for you.

You've been there for your Blokey for a long time. It makes sense to me that now that the transplant is completed, you crashed. At some level, this is probably the first time you've felt safe enough to acknowledge your own feelings, and now they're overwhelming you.

I hope you made that call.

 

This is absolutely spot on.

I bet we all understand why you are feeling as you do, and frankly, despite the good things you've had in your life, you DO have a reason that you feel the way you do.  You've been traumatized by what Blokey has been through. 

One of the hardest things about ESRD is how helpless and out of control it makes you feel.  You can control your diet and do various other bits and pieces to help yourself, but in the grand scheme of things, your kidneys will still end up failing and once on dialysis, other people have more control over your life than you do yourself.  But if you are the SPOUSE of someone with ESRD, you have even LESS control!  There's this endless voyage (I refuse to use the word "journey", as you all know!  Pet peeve.  Too Oprah-ish.) that is sweeping you to who knows where, and you have no oar.

So this tension builds and builds, and you spend all of your psychological strength in combatting these big bad things, and when some little inconsequential blow-up occurs like something with the stupid meds or the stupid chemist or whatever, well, that little thing can become the ignition for a giant sobfest.

And like Deanne pointed out, when this overwhelming burden is lifted and it seems as if you may finally have reached the voyage's end, there can be this monumental crash back down to earth, back down to a place of wary safety.

I do not know if you are clinically depressed.  You've been traumatized, and frankly, nothing that you've described is unsurprising to me.  Make the call.  Or, at least for a while, talk to us.  Maybe that will be enough.  Maybe you just need permission to feel the way you do.  You have my permission to feel the way you do.     However, what you do with those feelings is what is important, and perhaps that's when you will need to make that call.  If these feelings persist, then I think finding a therapist would do you the world of good.

You two have been given a second chance at life, and I hope you find a way to thoroughly enjoy it!

Keep us posted, OK?  You've been around here on IHD long enough to know that we don't judge (unless you make the mistake of posting in the political forum!).

[willowtreewren]

Oh, Poppy.....

*huggles* and more *huggles* and even more *huggles*!

I wish they weren't of the cyber variety, because I have a strong suspicion that a real live warm body full of *huggles* would really, really help (and a shoulder on which you could lean while you allow yourself to receive them).

So, have you made the call? Can we hold your hand as you go about getting some much needed help? Sometime when you think you want to hear about how someone else broke down (in the dentist office, no less), I'll share that story. The best part about it is that I can truly laugh about it now.

Here is to the day you look back to today and can smile about it.

And why am I telling you? Because I need to make an appointment with my GP (I plan to do it this afternoon when I go to pick up the meds) and I need to tell Blokey I've made an appointment. I don't think I'll actually do either of those things if I don't tell someone and have someone say to me, "Have you done it yet?" I can't tell anyone in Real Life because it's too difficult for me to do so I'm afraid you drew the short straw.

And of course none of us are Real Life!  We are all just make believe!!!! 

Here are a few more *huggles* for good measure.

Aleta

[Angiepkd]

Hi Poppy!  I don't want to say I know what you are dealing with, because I am the patient, and it would be presumptuous of me to assume I know your history. I can share with you my own battle with depression.  I am normally all smiles and sunshine. After my cancer diagnosis and radical hysterectomy, all of that changed. It happened at the same time I found out my kidneys were failing. I was mean and angry and sad and tired and couldn't focus or manage even the simplest tasks without a fit of rage or an hour of crying like a baby. I wanted to stay in bed. My poor husband and kids avoided me.  The kids would poke their heads in the door and ask if I was happy mom, angry mom or sad mom. I know a lot of this was because of "instant menopause" and being unable to take hormones, but I was a wreck.  I went to my neph appt. and when he asked me how I was doing, I cried so hard I couldn't talk. Totally out of character for me, and so embarrassing.  He asked me if I wanted to try Zoloft and I said yes through the tears. I only take 50 mgs once a day, but it levels me out. I am not a fan of anti-depressants, and I feel like I already take enough medicine, but it has truly saved my sanity, and my relationships.  I have learned that I have to let go of what I perceive as weakness and accept help. It is probably the thing I am least good at, but I am trying.  So I guess my message to you is you are not alone. Make that call and see what your GP suggests.  It really helps to vent here also. Probably saved me thousands in therapy lol!  Best of luck to you and hang in there!   

[boswife]

Sending Huggles Poppy   big strait from the heart huggles          Be well, take care of your precious heart  

Such an amazing place this is here... So proud to have been a part   So much love to all 

[galvo]

Have you made those bloody calls yet?

love ya! love ya! love ya!

  and  !

[Jean]

Ah, Poppy, I wont attempt to tell you what I think you should do, but if I were you, I would MAKE THE CALL and get some anti depressants. You held up wonderfully thru all the trials and tribulations and now that life is more normal, you brain said, oh no, I don't want to deal with this. So tons and tons of huggles and lots of love and please MAKE THE CALL.          

[obsidianom]

I want to add I hope you follow through and get help. It takes courage to admit it when you need help , but it can turn your life around. All of us care givers have to remember to take care of ourselves so we can be there for our mates. I hope you feel better soon.

[Rerun]

You can make those calls and get something.  Try a few things until you find what fits your.

You can do this.      

[Darthvadar]

Thinking of you, Pops....

Hundreds of huggles going your way... God knows, you've always been super generous with them when I've needed them!....

Hope it all works out!....

Darth...

[gothiclovemonkey]

*huggles for days*
i dont really know what to say, but I am here for you, if you want to vent any more, or anything. *huggles*

[thegrammalady]

Extra big huggles. And know that the strong person asks for help. Take care of yourself. Make those appointments. You know were not going to let you alone until you do.

s

[Poppylicious]

And there is no shame in seeking support ..........if therapists, psychologists and pyschiatrists didn't have enough business,  they'd be florists or something.

Ha ha, I like that. Made me giggle. Thank you.

Thank you for trusting us to be there for you.

Keep us posted, OK?  You've been around here on IHD long enough to know that we don't judge (unless you make the mistake of posting in the political forum!).

I was really wary about hitting the 'post' button because a little part of me thought that I might get flamed. That's how irrational my thought process is at the moment because I know that this is the one place I can definitely get support and encouragement, and where I won't get judged or told to 'snap out of it'. Blokey is the type of person who doesn't 'get' it. He can't see it and it isn't physical so it doesn't exist.  And despite everything he's been through, he's never suffered from depression or an overwhelming sadness. That makes it a little harder, so having people around who do 'get' it is a blessing.

And MM, your 'traumatic experience' perspective wasn't one I'd considered before, but it makes so much sense. It also fits in with the last time I was this bad, which occured after a seven month stint of having to live through some pretty crap/tense experiences.  I think I wrote (maybe on my kidney blog, maybe here) once that after the transplant I felt quite empty; I'd been worrying about Blokey for so long and the transplant made everything so much better that I felt I'd lost something.  Maybe this is just a more intense feeling of that, coupled with some other things which I need to address.

And of course none of us are Real Life!  We are all just make believe!!!! 

Awww ... you know what I meant, cheeky!

I would MAKE THE CALL and get some anti depressants.

I don't want anti depressants! I know they'd probably help (I was on them for two years in the past) but I have personal reasons for not wanting to take them at the moment.  I have made an appointment to see my GP (in a couple of weeks) and I'm dreading him saying that he's going to put me on them. I'd like to be referred for therapy because I have so much in my head that needs unpicking (going back to my childhood) but I know that can take a while in the UK.  It makes me wonder why I'm bothering to go to the GP. I'll say, I think I'm depressed and this is why ... *cry* and he'll say, Have some pills! and I'll say, No! I don't want pills! and he'll say, Well, why are you here then?! So although I've made an appointment I'm only 50% sure that I won't cancel. In my head it seems such a silly thing to go to the GP about when there are far worse illnesses for them to be dealing with.

*sigh*

For everyone who's responded and shown such generosity of support and *huggles* and other perspectives, thank you from the very bottom of my heart. It means the world to me that this place exists because I'm not sure I would have kept so on top of things for so long without ihd. 

  

[obsidianom]

I wrote a long post just now to offer help. it somehoe got lost in the ether.
My wife is a psychologist and retired after 35 years due to her dialysis. We shared an office for 25 years doing therapy and medicine. I learned a lot working with her and a psychiatrist we both work with.  My wife beleives in therapy but also in medication for depression. Depression is a serious illness. Just because you cant test for it in blood or see it doesnt make it less serious. The chemistry in the brain changes , that we know. Medication can help while you get therapy. It works faster then months of therapy. Together they work well.
I have a lot of experience with antidepressants and psych drugs in general. I know what they do and the side effects. I am more then happy to try and help. Perhaps you can message me directly and discuss any of this. I would be honored to help as you are a care giver to a dialysis patient as I am. WE all need to help each other. I have skills and knowledge in medicine and am here if you want to avail yourself of it.
Suffering is lousy. There is help. Just ask. 

[Kitty Cat]

Poppy,

You are doing absolutely the right thing.  Before my husband died, I didn't want to admit I was depressed from everything going on and threw myself into taking care of him so I wouldn't have to address it. After he passed, I sort of kept it together for a couple of months and then I caved in like a house of cards. My daughter and a good friend did an intervention type thing with me and I sought counseling. I was put on a mild anti depressant (which I just came off of a couple months ago) and the counseling started. It won't be easy, but I promise you after a little time, you will be able to see a difference in yourself. There were times I wanted to quit counseling, I hated confronting myself and my situation. But I did it. I've just finished counseling a little more than 2 months ago now and am in a much better place.

Remember, there are so many people here, everybody has your best interest at heart. It's okay to not be strong...

Sending you lots of hugs and prayers

[monrein]

This is why IHD is so important, to me, to you, to us all who hang out here because of our connection to ESRD and hence to each other.  Poppy, you sound very clear headed in your confusion and struggle and I really hope you can get your GP to make a referral to a therapist of some kind even if wait you must.  I believe very strongly in the value of counselling or talking therapies sometimes in combination with anti depressants.  I too think that it not that unusual to feel a sometimes overwhelming emptiness after a crisis is supposedly past and the stress and trauma of this chronic illness is huge.  HUGE.

  ...as many as you need or want.  Keep us in the loop and keep reaching out.  Oh yeah  and make that call wilya.   

[MooseMom]

Poppy, I do remember reading your post where you wrote about feeling "empty" after Blokey's tx.  I hope that whichever course you choose to take, that empty place will soon be filled with joy.

There have been two times in my life when I have felt overwhelmed because of outside forces.  When I think back to those times, I shudder when I remember how much I suffered emotionally and psychologically.  I didn't hesitate to get help.  I frankly do not understand why anyone would feel shame for wanting the suffering to stop.  Where is the value in hanging onto these awful feelings if there are ways they can be addressed and possibly obliterated?  Suffering is suffering, whether it is from ESRD or depression. 

Anyway, back to you, Poppy...  I would like to think that the positive responses and the *huggles* you've received here on IHD will help spur you onward.  And by the way, it doesn't matter if Blokey doesn't get it.  You didn't "get it" when he was on dialysis.  You couldn't possibly have.  You were a great nurse and wife, and I'm sure you had loads of tea and sympathy (and a kidney) for your Blokey, but unless you've been there, you don't really get it.  As much as I know about dialysis and have seen it up close and personal while my mom was on D, I couldn't for a moment claim that I "get it".  I've been on IHD for years, and God knows I've posted the equivalent of War and Peace on these forums, and I've read two War and Peaces from fellow IHDers during these past years, but I still can't claim to "get it".  But I DO "get" emotional anguish, and I hate hate hate seeing anyone else feeling the same.

Do what you need to do, Poppy.  You may not find the way to emotional peace immediately.  You may have to try various strategies, but that's OK.  Your fall back position can be IHD, you know.  At least you can vent here.  We are not trained therapists, but at least we can listen.

[MooseMom]

This is why IHD is so important, to me, to you, to us all who hang out here because of our connection to ESRD and hence to each other.  Poppy, you sound very clear headed in your confusion and struggle and I really hope you can get your GP to make a referral to a therapist of some kind even if wait you must.  I believe very strongly in the value of counselling or talking therapies sometimes in combination with anti depressants.  I too think that it not that unusual to feel a sometimes overwhelming emptiness after a crisis is supposedly past and the stress and trauma of this chronic illness is huge.  HUGE.

  ...as many as you need or want.  Keep us in the loop and keep reaching out.  Oh yeah  and make that call wilya.   

I agree with every word of this!

IHD was the only thing that helped me through a really bad patch.  The IHD meetup in Vegas was the real turning point for me. 

[okarol]

Sweet Poppy, I really feel for you. Blokey is lucky to have you. It's ok to take time for yourself now.
I am proud of you for posting. It's so hard to be vulnerable and ask for help.
Sending you lots of huggles and caring thoughts. 

[Bambino_Bear]

 

[cassandra]

                    



Lots of love, Cas

[RichardMEL]

Poppy, *big huggles* for you... as many as you need.

This is tough for you, but hey the GOOD thing is you recognise it. You know what you should do, and you're doing it (riiight?).

I also think you should share with Blokey what you posted above. Maybe not the whole thing, but the bit about HIM. It's what you want to tell him isn't it? It shows how you feel, and you know how he is suffering. It shows your caring and love even while going balmy with your own stuff.

If you can't sit with him face to face and tell him, then show him.. or write another version for him and give that to him. Whatever you can do to communicate with him about where you're at. If it was me, I'd appreciate it.

And if he wants to divorce you (he doesn't, he won't) I'll fly right on over to give you proper *huggles* 

[cariad]

So sorry to hear how sad you've been, Poppy, from the sounds of it, far too long without reaching out. We have to postpone our emotions sometimes, especially in crisis, so it doesn't surprise me that you're feeling depressed now as opposed to back around transplant time. When my husband's mother died a few weeks ago, he was a little alarmed at how calm he was. I told him to give it 6-12 months, and let me know when the dam breaks.

If it helps at all to hear someone else's experience, I have had terrible bouts of depression, the kind of depression that is so aggravating because it really has to no excuse to be there. I've tried various drugs briefly but if anything those made matters worse. I also tried therapy but never seemed to click with anyone, and after a few truly terrible experiences decided that this was something I had to handle on my own. I am fortunate to be off all of those drugs I took through childhood, and I do notice a difference, that I don't get depressed anywhere near as easily anymore. My depressions are of the type that are brutal for a few days and then subside. I've learnt to treat them like a flu, concentrate on getting through it like any other short-term ailment, try to be a little nicer to myself than usual if possible, but more importantly force myself into the company of others to take my mind off of things. I cannot say it's a perfect solution but it's got me this far.

You seem eager to get help, so I hope you keep that appointment. Isn't the GP the first step to getting cognitive behavioural therapy? He'd have to be a truly narrow-minded, old-school doctor to think that drugs are the only answer. As for worse illnesses, hun, it's not A&E where you would expect to be triaged. A couple of weeks is longer than I've ever had to wait to see a GP in this town. You're patiently queueing up, waiting your turn, and your health is every bit as important as anyone else's. It's hard to see these realities under a cloud of depression, so let us remind you.  (((((((((Poppy)))))))))