OMG, this fever....

[cariad]

I have been sick for so long. Last two days have been the worst. I go from feeling fine to horrible chills, shaking all over, and pain everywhere. I had the flu over the Christmas week, thought I shook that off, but two days ago this all started. My skin did not feel hot at all, so I was gobsmacked when I finally took my temperature and it said 103.9. I took 2 ibuprofen and spent the evening waiting for the fever to break. It did, after several hours. Then it started again the next afternoon, took ibuprofen, the first did nothing, took 2 more about 6 hours later and spent one of the most agonizing nights of my life trying to sleep with the pain and uncontrollable shaking.

I have been on this merry-go-round quite a few times this past year with come and go fevers, but now it refuses to go. I took two ibuprofen this morning the moment my temperature hit 99 and I started to feel chilled. It's been four hours and it's now 100.3 and I cannot stop the shivering. I also am dizzy and occasionally nauseous. I am of course afraid to overdo any of these painkillers. Is there such a thing as an ibuprofen-resistant fever?    

[obsidianom]

The answer is you are just attempting to mask the fever with anti-pyretic agents like Ibuprofen.
Are you on dialysis or do you have a transplant? If you have had a transplant ibuprofen can damage kidneys. Also if you are on anti rejection meds you need to call your team and let them know what is going on. This could be a rejection episode. A fever that goes on more tthan 3  or 4 days isnt something to play around with. Something is going on.
If you are a dialysis patient I would worry about an infection somewhere from acess issues.
Bottom line is CALL YOUR DOCTOR, or at least the nurses in your team.

[appleface]

Call the transplant center if you had transplant.

[Ninanna]

I really hope you get this sorted out cariad!  I think it's definitely worth a call to your transplant center as you are such a special case with your transplants and not being on any anti-rejection meds.  Good luck and keep us updated!

 

[willowtreewren]

Oh, dear. This is REALLY worrisome. Do call the doctor. I know you are a tough cookie, but this could be serious and I DO NOT want anything bad to happen to you.

 

Please, please take care of yourself.

Aleta

[jeannea]

With a fever that high you really need to call your doctor. Please. You need different medicine if you feel that awful. You could have any kind of virus but you don't want it to get worse. If your fever goes back up above 102 you need to go to the ER. Be safe. Get help.

[okarol]

Hi Cariad,
Poor girl. 
A fever is actually a signal that an immune system is working well, fighting a bacterial or viral illness, and this response occurs because it improves your body's ability to get rid of the bug, so a fever is a positive sign. It is evidence that you have an active immune system. Fever does not harm your brain or your body, although it does increase your need for fluids. Fevers generally do not need to be treated with medication unless you are uncomfortable (and in this case, it sounds like you are.) The fever may be important in helping you fight the infection.
In many cases, lowering a fever is not only unnecessary, it could actually hamper your recovery process, prolonging the illness rather than resolving it more quickly.
Dehydration is a big concern for someone like you who has a transplant. Keep up the fluids and rest.
Since you're not on immunosuppression - you'll hopefully do well.
But I agree about seeing a doctor, or at the very least call them and give them your symptoms/situation. Let them decide if you should come in.
I hope you're better soon!
 

[MooseMom]

I'm concerned that this mystery fever has lasted for so long and that it has popped up on more than one occasion.  I find this to be very odd.

[cassandra]

Dear Cariad, have you been to the hospital yet?

Love,Cas

[RichardMEL]

I was concerned that you should be calling the tx team and getting yourself checked out, but I forgot that you weren't on any nasty meds (thank you karol for the reminder!) but still yeah it's a worry for sure, and I at least would be talking to the tx team (or whoever you see now since you're not near the original team of course!! ) just in case something more serious is going on with ramifications for your kidney.

fingers crossed!!

[Iona]

How are you now? Hope you are feeling better?

[cariad]

Oh, bloody hell. I guess I sort of took most of your advice. Let’s see, my last post was written Saturday 11 January at 2PM local time. I have little memory of the rest of the day and absolutely none from the following 4 days.

Had I been coherent and been able to describe my developing symptoms, I am fairly certain that anyone who's ever been inside a doctor's office could have diagnosed me in moments. So, fingers on buzzers, IHD, as I fill in the details....

I believe I went to sleep on Saturday without any real drama. The rest is second (or maybe third) hand information as I told it to Gwyn and various medical personal, and Gwyn related it back to me. I woke up very early on Sunday 12 January with a splitting headache and instantly told Gwyn to get me an ambulance. (Like most people who have a lifetime of being in and out of hospital, if you go straight to demanding an ambulance, your partner immediately snaps into action because you never ever say this.) He called NHS Direct, got a bit frustrated with the woman who was asking the same questions a hundred different ways, but she did eventually send an ambulance. They came upstairs, said they could send a doctor round or take me to A&E less than a mile away, then stated bluntly that they would strongly suggest I choose A&E. I guess I had to walk down the stairs as our stairwell is too narrow for the stretcher, but I made it. Gwyn stayed behind to wake our older son and explain the situation and make sure he could handle being left with his younger brother for a few hours.

I woke up approximately four days later with a stiff neck (hint) and enormous pain from exposure to fluorescent lights (double hint). I had no idea where I was (did not stop them asking me) I had forgot my own name and after hearing it a few times had a hard time believing I had gone through life with it as it just didn’t sound right. (Still sort of doesn’t, worryingly.) Gwyn tells me that they knocked me out with painkiller and antibiotic (Ah, you’ve all buzzed in now) and he said that if it weren’t for a monitor they had me on, he would have thought I had passed away. Yes, it was my old nemesis meningitis, though this time the potentially deadly bacterial variety. (Just noticed that you can almost get the word nemesis out of ‘meningitis’!)

Meanwhile, I am hallucinating. This is the difficult part for me as I have had a hard time accepting that none of this happened. I said to my mother that if I had had hallucinations about flying kangaroos or something I would have dismissed it by now. I am convinced that I was awake, and this same hallucination went on for days. The people on my right side were getting more and more distorted, and I believed this was somehow a countdown to my death. Every so often a bell would ring, a woman would pick up the phone and scream at the entire room that this base I needed to go to in order to get specific treatment for my condition would only accept me for a few more days, I had to pay for this, and I had to get myself there. I couldn’t just call them because I had waited too long and so they would only see me in person. Then she finally announced that they were closing for the next 36 hours and it was the last time I saw her. Did she even exist? Gwyn tells me there was only one woman screaming there, and she was tearing two doctors apart for not giving me some treatment or other, which they eventually gave me. I spent an entire day trying to determine how I was going to get myself to this supposed off-site location.

I spoke with my parents a couple nights ago and they say I had been whispering to Gwyn since that first Tuesday morning that I needed to get out of there or I was going to die. I have been trying to think where this is all coming from and I have to suspect it is a lifetime of going to American hospitals that instigated it. With a few quite notable exceptions, American hospitals and clinics have been condescending, callous, money-obsessive, and inexcusably arrogant. At least two in my personal experience have been dangerously incompetent. I guess my mind could not accept the idea that I would get this wonderful, life-saving treatment for free, so all my nightmares came out at once.

Gwyn says that I all I said to him on Tuesday was “what?” which led them to suspect that I had lost my hearing (possible side-effect of bacterial meningitis.) On Wednesday I was wittering on to him about not getting treatment there and needing to find this base I had to go to, so at least the hearing loss was ruled out. I had such limited vocabulary that I tried over and over to ask the doctors about this and they would end up just smiling and telling me that they would check on me later. Surely they are aware what this does to your brain function?

Oh, and the aggravation I gave the staff. A sweet, youngish doctor came in to do another blood draw (excuse me, doctors, blood test!) and told me that I fought him when he first tried to stick a needle in my vein. I had these two boxing glove-type-things on when I regained consciousness because as of that first Tuesday I started pulling lines and tubes and anything they tried to put in straight back out. The hell? It’s hard to believe it’s even possible to have such a personality change. Once I was back in the becoming-more-sane world, I managed to get the gloves off and eventually wore out the nurse who was trying to stop me doing it. Yes, I do remember pulling a tube out of my nose once I had a tenuous sense of reality, but that was not aggressive, it was more curiosity about ‘what’s this on my face?’ I still couldn’t really think straight or speak coherently.

Wednesday, Gwyn asked me if I wanted him to bring the iPad in, to which I responded “What’s an iPad?” It was rather grim for a while there.  Gwyn, normally so private with our information, turned into the town crier. As I would start to remember the responsibilities of daily life, I would ask him to warn people that we might not be able to fulfill various obligations. Inevitably the answer would be “Oh, I told them.” Them being: his work, my volunteer place, my/his/our friends, his relatives, both of the boys’ schools, the football club, the rugby club, my surgeon in Chicago and my parents.

And it doesn’t stop there. I am so impressed with Gwyn, what he managed to achieve. He has been doing every last thing since that first Sunday this all happened. Aidan had a birthday party to attend that initial Sunday – the day I went in to hospital – and he still managed to wrap the present and get him there and back, and that is the tip of the iceberg.

Typical of us, we don’t do one crisis at a time, so the poor man is so knackered and so traumatized. On that first Thursday I was moved out of ICU to a ward with 5 other women. It took me a few days to settle in and get out of major pain and into a routine. My parents started to ring me as soon as they heard I could speak again. On the second Tuesday I was telling my mother that this hospital seemed great, however I knew it failed one family tragically as a child in my son’s year at school died at the beginning of the school year after that particular A&E turned the little girl away with severe tonsillitis. My mother then asks “Are you going to the funeral” I got quite confused and said “The funeral was months ago…. No, we didn’t attend.” And she said “No, I meant Gwyn’s mam, her funeral.” I replied “Mother, what are you talking about? Elsie’s alive!” and suddenly Gwyn grabbed the phone out of my hand and went to a corner to whisper to my mother. And I knew. It turns out that Gwyn’s mother had passed away and he had just been trying to find the best way to tell me. He had to go to the funeral by himself. Over 14 years together and on one of the rare days he could use my support I was completely absent. I don’t know how to forgive myself.

Gwyn told the boys about his mam before he told me, which is understandable I suppose. The trouble is that he speaks only Welsh to the boys and so after he told me about the funeral he also recounted how the boys reacted. Aidan, generally terribly sophisticated, was sad for him and the situation and wanted to know how he could help. Poor little Dyl. Gwyn said “He just broke down, collapsed on the floor crying. He said, ‘Oh, no! I’m never going to get over this.’” Then Gwyn just kept repeating to me “I said ‘nain’. I know I said ‘nain’” (Nain, pronounced ‘nine’ is Welsh for grandmother.) In other words, Dyl misunderstood somehow and thought it was me. His Welsh has never been as strong as Aidan’s and I can understand why his thoughts were in that place at the time. My mother-in-law had severe Alzheimers for the last few years, and Dyl only met her once, at a Welsh hospital, when he was four. But you never know with him, he’s one of those ‘still waters run deep’ children.

I was finally discharged this Tuesday, after the doctor hit what was possibly the last viable vein I had. My creatinine of course fell to the floor (45 or about .5), but I am told in those circumstances when one hardly gets out of bed, there really isn’t a too low.  That doctor said the only concern was that my calcium was slightly elevated, but he said it was so slight that it was probably nothing. They actually communicated with my surgeon in Chicago (egos tend to get in the way there, and they are not coming from America when my surgeon is involved) and because I am allergic or ‘highly sensitive’ to most if not all antibiotics, I thought they had agreed that I should not take a prophylactic course of antiobiotics and instead just get another Pneumovax vaccine. Then I get home, immediately take myself off codeine as that drug and I do not get along, no longer felt I should take the anti-sickness so that’s gone too, and am trying to get by with just caffeine and paracetamol. Gwyn then emailed my surgeon with my current symptoms: bit of nausea, head and neck ache, and dizzy spells, which from my initial post I see I started off with. My surgeon writes back saying to call or email any time, he is going to forward my info to an infectious disease specialist in London, oh, and he hopes they have me on a follow-up course of antibiotic to stop the meningitis coming back. Say what? I do not want to go on an antibiotic. Within 3 days I will be curled up in bed lying very still so as not to upchuck. I do vomit frequently on antibiotic, thus eliminating the benefit of the drug, but it’s almost worse when I don’t throw-up because then I get no relief and just have to cope with the debilitating nausea. I am certain that all of those English doctors believed when I was discharged that they did not have to think up a suitable antibiotic for me. There was palpable relief in the room.

And then there is the symptom that I didn’t mention, and please don’t get shouty with me, I know! Call NHS Direct, tell my surgeon, tell the whole block or else I shall die! I have pain around/over my heart. It is more like a constant discomfort, closest thing I can relate it to is hitting your elbow against something and the dull, weird pain that follows. Last year I called NHS Direct, cannot remember why, I was honest with them about getting these pains and the girl on the other end literally said “Right, I’m sending an ambulance”. It took ten more minutes and a supervisor to talk her down. At this moment I am sure lots of IHDers can relate to the idea that I will well and truly have a complete mental collapse if I have to go into hospital again.

And now my terribly long post is going to end like this, without a real conclusion or point: Once again my life has been shattered. For the fourth time in less than 7 years, I feel as if I need to start rebuilding my health from scratch. I am wracked with guilt at what I have done to my children and my husband. When I had viral meningitis in late 2007 I remember how dark my thoughts turned, how I became preoccupied with the Phil Specter trial and the suicide of Lord Sutch 8 years prior, the latter an especially random choice in retrospect. I couldn’t sleep, but I couldn’t do anything useful. I would sit at the table after Gwyn had worked all day and then cooked for all of us, and I would cry because I didn’t want to eat. I couldn’t walk more than a block or two. It triggered my last hurrah with anorexia when I heard I was 85 pounds and decided I needed to lose more. In my life experience, if you are not in hospital, you’re not sick, so I was in a constant state of panic that I was never going to get past this because look, I am not in hospital! Yet I still could not walk nor eat nor stop obsessing for months.

This time round is better, at least I can say that. I can only walk for a few minutes a day, but that is actually an improvement over last time. But all I want to do is constantly warn my kids and Gwyn to be careful, don't do this, don't go there, don’t risk that. I am compulsively telling them that I love them. All these years, all these illnesses, the clinical trial, and for what? It just keeps happening and I don’t seem to be able to get on with life. I never viewed myself as ill before the trial, and for the first time in memory I look back and think ‘I have five siblings and this hasn’t been happening to anyone else. Wow. It turns out, I’m the sick one.’

I guess I do have one final question: Has anyone here had meningitis, viral or bacterial, or possibly someone like me who’s been unlucky enough to have both? 

I do want to thank everyone for their concern and support. 

[willowtreewren]

Cariad,

I had encephalitis as a child (major hallucinations) and I had Lyme meningitis on and off during that year that my Lyme disease was at its worst. I lived in a cave (dark and quiet) for the months that it was the worst. The sad thing for me is that I'm off the IV antibiotics, but on three orals, I'm on the maximum pain killer shy of narcotics and the headaches are creeping back up. Although I DON'T want to go back on the IV antibiotic, I will do ANYTHING to keep from experiencing the meningitis again.

Your saga sounds awful. I'm fortunate not to be able to remember the worst of the Lyme meningitis. Definite change in personality. One cannot tolerate that level of pain without its having an effect. Plus the pressure on your brain causes personality changes.

My neurologist put me on an antihistamine (which I have started taking again), to reduce the inflammation around the brain. That was completely new to my Lyme doctor, but it REALLY helps with the pain! That med is cyproheptatdine.

I'm rooting for you. You will pull through!

Aleta

[Jean]

Oh my God!!! I don't even know what to say. Have you thought about writing a book? God bless you and I hope you get infinitely better and soon!!!   

[monrein]

 

Cariad I'm in shock at this ordeal you, Gwyn and the boys have been weathering.  I have thankfully had no experience with meningitis and wish that you had not either.  Please know how much love and support I'm sending through cyberspace and also how often and how fondly I think of you both since the Vegas gathering.  Please be fully well soon.

[jeannea]

Your meningitis experience sounds horrid. I am so sorry. You have nothing to feel guilty about with your family. You were sick. I'm sure they're glad you're doing better. Normally your husband would have wanted you at the funeral but he wanted you to get treatment. Just give them your love now. I have never had meningitis but I have had a bad encephalitis with seizures and hallucinations. I am sort of prone to hallucinations. They suck. I thought the specks of paint on the wall were bugs and the pictures of therapy dogs were attacking me. I think my brain is permanently damaged.

I hope you do follow up with your doctor(s). Find out about the antibiotics and the strange chest feeling. Get lots of rest and good food to get better.

[MooseMom]

Oh cariad, I am so so sorry that this has happened.  I had a terrible feeling that there was something not quite right; this business of being febrile for so long just didn't sit well with me.

Knowing your history, I have some small understanding of the emotional toll this must have taken.  I understand that you feel frustrated that you have not been able to get on with your life, but if you close your eyes and take a step back, I think you may find that you have indeed moved forward.  Your life has changed dramatically in that you have moved across the Great Pond and have started a new life with your family.  That's a pretty good way of getting on with your life!  And let's face it, when you have two young boys, they virtually DRAG you forward.  It would be IMPOSSIBLE for you NOT to move on with your life with those two around!

I'm also very sorry to hear about Gwyn's mum.  I'm sure he would have appreciated it if you could have been with him, but he had his sons, and his wife needed care, and that's just the way life is.  It is not your fault that you were ill; I'm sure you would have wished otherwise.

I've never had meningitis, so I have to wonder if having it once makes one predisposed to having it again (even if the agent causing it is different in nature).  Did the bacterial variety feel any different than the viral variety?

I hope you make a complete recovery very soon.  If I can be of any help, please do let me know.  Take care.

[Poppylicious]

Wow, cariad.  Sending you all oodles of *huggles*.  So much to go through in such a small amount of time.  Poor little Dyl ... bless him.  I hope your recovery is speedy.

 

[natnnnat]

So... are you out of the woods yet?  I think maybe not yet?  You are back to the symptoms you started with, less fever I guess, but with an added extra bit of chest pain.  Big big love coming at you from down here.  My friend had viral meningitis late last year, her virus was chicken pox.  And I have a friend who had a version of meningitis which affected his memory and thinking, for a very long time.  We took to meeting in bars and playing word games using scrabble pieces, to improve his vocabulary again.  He's in London now, I think, so I haven't heard from him in years.  That's all I know about meningitis.

Please don't do the thing where, because you are so very very over hospitals, you put up with mad symptoms for ages in order not to get that plastic bracelet on your arm again.  I should think you need to remain on the radar with your doctors and stuff, so that they can sort out, you know, the heart thing, and the headaches might be fixable, maybe.  And the antibiotics in order not to get a relapse, they're working on that, to find cariad friendly antibiotics?  And consulting with your transplant team, one wonders, so that they don't put you on something that stuffs up the kidney situation...?  Sorry about asking all these annoying 'go back to the doctor' kind of questions.  I guess its the opposite of what you would like. 

I wish I could fix you up Cariad, you're the best. And that fellah of yours is GOLD.  I don't blame you for loving your family round about now. 

[cassandra]

I'm sorry Cariad what a nightmare . I've had encephalitis several times, And hydrocephalus every few years. I'm afraid it sounds like your experience. It's awful. But you will get better. (I would keep'n eye on you WBC though, cos those symptoms, and just in case.... It's just a blood test) I'm very sorry to hear about your mother in law.

Lots of love, and strength for you, and your family

     

[cariad]

Wow. So many people took the time to read that last post of mine. Thank you!

I had encephalitis as a child (major hallucinations) and I had Lyme meningitis on and off during that year that my Lyme disease was at its worst. I lived in a cave (dark and quiet) for the months that it was the worst. The sad thing for me is that I'm off the IV antibiotics, but on three orals, I'm on the maximum pain killer shy of narcotics and the headaches are creeping back up. Although I DON'T want to go back on the IV antibiotic, I will do ANYTHING to keep from experiencing the meningitis again.

Oh, Aleta. I just had no idea this was still a battle for you. You're approaching two years with this, aren't you. I don't know how you keep up the fight (and retain the drive to want to help others on top of that) but I have to believe you of all people will get there in the end. I just hope it's soon.

My neurologist put me on an antihistamine (which I have started taking again), to reduce the inflammation around the brain. That was completely new to my Lyme doctor, but it REALLY helps with the pain! That med is cyproheptatdine.

Thank you for that suggestion! This morning I woke up for the first time with no head or neck pain (touch wood), although the dizzy spells are coming on in force. It is always a relief to know that there are still options to try.

You have been such a role model for me on this site in the past with your kindness and your calm determination, and now you will be going forward. Thank you! 

[cariad]

Oh my God!!! I don't even know what to say. Have you thought about writing a book? God bless you and I hope you get infinitely better and soon!!!   

Jean, you are a gem! Thanks for the support! 

(I'll keep the book in mind, though many would argue that I've already written one in this thread. )

[cariad]

Cariad I'm in shock at this ordeal you, Gwyn and the boys have been weathering.  I have thankfully had no experience with meningitis and wish that you had not either.  Please know how much love and support I'm sending through cyberspace and also how often and how fondly I think of you both since the Vegas gathering.  Please be fully well soon.

Ah, monrein, I too frequently think back on the Vegas gathering with a smile or a laugh. Those wonderful stories from your life, what a fearless, no-nonsense child you were, and how that made you the ferociously intelligent, outspoken yet flawlessly polite woman you are today - I draw inspiration from you more often than you could know. Many thanks to you, darling! And may you never jump on the meningitis bandwagon! You're missing nothing by skipping this particular experience.   

[cariad]

Your meningitis experience sounds horrid. I am so sorry. You have nothing to feel guilty about with your family. You were sick. I'm sure they're glad you're doing better. Normally your husband would have wanted you at the funeral but he wanted you to get treatment. Just give them your love now. I have never had meningitis but I have had a bad encephalitis with seizures and hallucinations. I am sort of prone to hallucinations. They suck. I thought the specks of paint on the wall were bugs and the pictures of therapy dogs were attacking me. I think my brain is permanently damaged.

Jeannea, thank you for responding and for sharing your experiences with me. I have no idea what the difference between encephalitis and meningitis is, and don't really have the energy to look it up, but they sound similar and similarly nightmarish. I am not prone to hallucinations, and trust me to have semi-plausible ones to make it even more confusing. Still, I get rattled easily by weird, eerie images, so from my perspective I got off much easier than you did.

Thanks also for the reassurance about my family. I find I carry so much guilt for having to take a month off from life every 18 months or so. A neighbour said the most brilliant thing to me yesterday when I took my first walk round the block: "You look well. That's the worst time, because you try to do too much." She is a young woman (maybe early to mid 30s?) who is about to restart treatment for breast cancer, so she's a member of the chronically ill club as well.

With both bouts of meningitis I have found that it is much more difficult to remember words. However, I did find that it kept gradually improving, until the next setback of course. I don't know if my brain damage could be called permanent, but I have to say that you strike me as one of the smartest members on IHD which leads me to believe that any permanent damage you may have sustained must be a huge frustration for you, but virtually unnoticeable to the people around you. 

[cariad]

Oh cariad, I am so so sorry that this has happened.  I had a terrible feeling that there was something not quite right; this business of being febrile for so long just didn't sit well with me.

Knowing your history, I have some small understanding of the emotional toll this must have taken.  I understand that you feel frustrated that you have not been able to get on with your life, but if you close your eyes and take a step back, I think you may find that you have indeed moved forward.  Your life has changed dramatically in that you have moved across the Great Pond and have started a new life with your family.  That's a pretty good way of getting on with your life!  And let's face it, when you have two young boys, they virtually DRAG you forward.  It would be IMPOSSIBLE for you NOT to move on with your life with those two around!

I'm also very sorry to hear about Gwyn's mum.  I'm sure he would have appreciated it if you could have been with him, but he had his sons, and his wife needed care, and that's just the way life is.  It is not your fault that you were ill; I'm sure you would have wished otherwise.

I've never had meningitis, so I have to wonder if having it once makes one predisposed to having it again (even if the agent causing it is different in nature).  Did the bacterial variety feel any different than the viral variety?

I hope you make a complete recovery very soon.  If I can be of any help, please do let me know.  Take care.

Hi MM 

The viral is supposedly not deadly but it sure felt more deadly than the bacterial. I had coxsackie (sp?) that I contracted from Dylan when he had Hand Foot and Mouth disease as a baby. That was a nightmare, from just a pain perspective I would say the viral was worse. No hallucinations but my system did not even have the decency to shut down like it did with the bacterial. The headache from the viral was beyond description. They gave me powerful opioids (Dialaudid?) that left me with a whole other set of problems, the worst being a total inability to eat. The headache from the bacterial (pneumococcal) was awful but controllable with paracetamol and codeine, and now seems to be controllable with just paracetamol and endless cups/glasses of hot and iced tea. With both conditions I threw up every day in hospital. 

Thanks for the reassuring words about Gwyn and the boys. I try to picture Gwyn and my roles being reversed, and I just don't think I could do it. He hasn't been feeling all that great the past 3 weeks - I don't think anyone we know has - and yet I'm the one who gets to lie down whenever I need to or skip any event on the horizon.

You're absolutely right about the boys driving this merry band forward. Last term was a mess for so many different reasons, both kids adjusting to different schools and stressed out about making friends, we spent two months in a holiday let whilst finalizing the house purchase, we seemed to just be caught in a centrifuge with no progress, and everything the kids tried out for they did not get. Not little things, either, but disturbing things. (Aidan didn't make his school football team??!!) This term they are fully settled in and the opportunities coming at both of them are threatening to overwhelm us. We may finally, at long last, reach a point of stability where we stay in the same town indefinitely and the kids can really form deep friendships over the coming years and the push forward accelerates.

I think it's a combination of feeling improved this morning, having a bit of time to reflect, and support like yours that can allow me to find the positives even in Gwyn going to the funeral by himself. When he's around his relatives he prefers to speak Welsh, I know he does, so not having me or the kids there, needing to translate constantly, probably freed him to grieve. And as terrible as it sounds, I'm sure there was a touch of relief when she passed away. We thankfully saw her only 3 weeks or so before she died, and she seemed happy enough in herself, but she didn't talk nor do much but stare at the people in the room as if she knew they had met before but she couldn't quite place them. Absolutely brutal for Gwyn and his brothers.

I'm wittering on now. You've already helped just by reading that post-zilla of mine and crafting such a thoughtful reply. Cheers for that!