A Mother and Son Relationship

[George Jung]

Since beginning dialysis, the relationship I have with my mother has been declining and we are now at an all time low.  Several weeks ago, we were going back and forth and round and round about giving me space (I wanted it).  Right or wrong, I wanted to be left alone.  She would not let it be and she would use any excuse she could find to contact me to find out how I was doing.  She would call me about anything, sometimes it would be legit and other times I felt like she was prying into my condition and just wanted to talk to me.  One time, she hadn't heard from me in over a week.  I had just returned home from a session and I was lying in bed when I heard someone at my door.  I just ignored it for a minute and then I heard my front door start to open.  It was my mother.  She had gotton a key to my apartment without my knowing or approval (advice from someone). 

Although I am not a parent myself I can certainly appreciate the love a mother has for her children.  I am 31 years old, not exactly a child.  So, she lets herself in and insists that we need to talk, "right now".  I was outraged!  I'm feeling worthless (physically) and she decides we have to talk right now?  See, my mother has always been overprotective.  She lost a child years ago and has always been very protective, to the point where she might be doing more harm than good (IMO).  Well,  I wound up yelling at her, telling her to get lost, and slamming the door behind her.  I felt my privacy had been totally violated. 

To make a long story short, I sought help from my grandparents to keep her off my back for awhile.  I called them, they called her.  It was actually her dad that spoke with her and told her to leave me alone and try the "not to contact me for awhile" approach.  Several days after talking with my grandparents I e-mailed my mom for some help with organizing some bills and obtaining medical records.  E-mail came back "delivery failed".  So that evening, I tried calling her at home.  I get a recording - phone disconnected!  Somehow we went from me wanting to be left alone to her cutting herself off from the entire family.   

Now she has written me a letter concerning the help which I was origionally seeking weeks ago because SHE needs to.  I feel like, "where were you when I needed to talk about it?". 

I don't even know what I am asking or why I'm writing this.  I guess I just need to talk about it and get it off of my chest.  I am really worried about her but I don't have the energy to deal with what I am considering to be childish behavior from a grown adult.  I know she has emotional problems as we all do (some more than others), and that she is my mom, but I just can't deal with it.  It's almost as if she is overshadowing my troubles with her inability to handle my physical condition.  I am so bothered by the situation I don't know how to feel.  Sometimes I am angry with her, sometimes I am worried about her.  I know she has battled with depression for many years and her inability to handle this kidney disease that I have is crippling her.  I just don't feel like I am the one to help her.  The popular opinion in my extended family is that if I talk with her about my condition she would be happy.  I don't want to talk about it though (not with her) and I defiantly don't want to talk about it  for the pourpose of helping her.  I feel like I would be enabling her and saying to her that it is okay to act as she has, but I don't.  I mean, I never said I will never talk about things, I only wanted some time, and now she has turned the telephone off and shut down her e-mail account.  This is turning into one of those "Two tears in a bucket and @#!@ it" situations and I don't want to say that about my mother.  I do feel as though I have to take care of number one (me) first, and if I don't feel comfortable talking to someone I don't think I should have to.  I am an adult.  I could use the support but shouldn't it be on my terms?

[glitter]

Well- yes and no.  I am a Mother myself. I love my children completely. If one of them was ill, it would be unthinkable for them to not keep me informed.It isn't about privacy.We have a relationship. They are in my life,and I am in their life. Our lives are open books-we are family. I will be the person my daughters want to turn to when they just want thier mother,be they 15 or 35. When someone in our family is ill-we share all the facts..we all want to be informed,knowledge is power. You cant support someone if you don't understand the problems.
  I do not know what kind of relationship you have had with your mom, but if she was a loving mother to you-sharing with her would give her the means to understand what is happening with her child,just give her the facts. And then maybe she would understand why you need space also.

I do think the 'break in ' sounds like desperation-she loves you very much i'll bet. But it was wrong,and you do need clear boundaries for her.

[meadowlandsnj]

Since beginning dialysis, the relationship I have with my mother has been declining and we are now at an all time low.  Several weeks ago, we were going back and forth and round and round about giving me space (I wanted it).  Right or wrong, I wanted to be left alone.  She would not let it be and she would use any excuse she could find to contact me to find out how I was doing.  She would call me about anything, sometimes it would be legit and other times I felt like she was prying into my condition and just wanted to talk to me.  One time, she hadn't heard from me in over a week.  I had just returned home from a session and I was lying in bed when I heard someone at my door.  I just ignored it for a minute and then I heard my front door start to open.  It was my mother.  She had gotton a key to my apartment without my knowing or approval (advice from someone). 

Although I am not a parent myself I can certainly appreciate the love a mother has for her children.  I am 31 years old, not exactly a child.  So, she lets herself in and insists that we need to talk, "right now".  I was outraged!  I'm feeling worthless (physically) and she decides we have to talk right now?  See, my mother has always been overprotective.  She lost a child years ago and has always been very protective, to the point where she might be doing more harm than good (IMO).  Well,  I wound up yelling at her, telling her to get lost, and slamming the door behind her.  I felt my privacy had been totally violated. 

To make a long story short, I sought help from my grandparents to keep her off my back for awhile.  I called them, they called her.  It was actually her dad that spoke with her and told her to leave me alone and try the "not to contact me for awhile" approach.  Several days after talking with my grandparents I e-mailed my mom for some help with organizing some bills and obtaining medical records.  E-mail came back "delivery failed".  So that evening, I tried calling her at home.  I get a recording - phone disconnected!  Somehow we went from me wanting to be left alone to her cutting herself off from the entire family.   

Now she has written me a letter concerning the help which I was origionally seeking weeks ago because SHE needs to.  I feel like, "where were you when I needed to talk about it?". 

I don't even know what I am asking or why I'm writing this.  I guess I just need to talk about it and get it off of my chest.  I am really worried about her but I don't have the energy to deal with what I am considering to be childish behavior from a grown adult.  I know she has emotional problems as we all do (some more than others), and that she is my mom, but I just can't deal with it.  It's almost as if she is overshadowing my troubles with her inability to handle my physical condition.  I am so bothered by the situation I don't know how to feel.  Sometimes I am angry with her, sometimes I am worried about her.  I know she has battled with depression for many years and her inability to handle this kidney disease that I have is crippling her.  I just don't feel like I am the one to help her.  The popular opinion in my extended family is that if I talk with her about my condition she would be happy.  I don't want to talk about it though (not with her) and I defiantly don't want to talk about it  for the pourpose of helping her.  I feel like I would be enabling her and saying to her that it is okay to act as she has, but I don't.  I mean, I never said I will never talk about things, I only wanted some time, and now she has turned the telephone off and shut down her e-mail account.  This is turning into one of those "Two tears in a bucket and @#!@ it" situations and I don't want to say that about my mother.  I do feel as though I have to take care of number one (me) first, and if I don't feel comfortable talking to someone I don't think I should have to.  I am an adult.  I could use the support but shouldn't it be on my terms?

George, I feel like I can relate.  My mother and I have a complex relationship.  At times I truly love to death and other times she tried my patience so much I can cry.  I've come to a realization as I've grown that my mother isn't the perfect mom that I idealized.  I am not perfect either.  Now I accept who she is, flaws and all.  My sister left home at a very young age and I always felt my mother tried to compensate for that by holding on to me as tightly as she could.  She still sees me as a child.  Sad. It breaks my heart that my mother cannot treat me as an adult, it's like time stopped when I was 10 years old. 
I have had fights with her about it, we've yelled and screamed.  I can't change her.  Even now when she's sick with emphysema she tries to pretend everything is fine.  She won't even let me go to the doctor with her.  I've looked up stuff on the internet about it, I'm informed about it but she pretends it doesn't exist.  I know I need more patience. 
I hope you can resolve your issues with love and understanding.  Relationships with parents are not easy, in a perfect world we'd all be happy and everything would be fine. 

Donna

[joanna2007]

Hi George,

     As a mom, grandma, mother-in-law, daughter, sister, wife of 34 years, now a widow of 6.......I can certainly agree that relationships can be tough.   In each of our roles we have different responsibilities and duties.

     I have two adult sons, 38 and 37.   I want to know what's going on in their lives and want them to know I'll always be there for them.  However, I do understand that we have boundaries, my front door is "always" open, no notice needed, but if I want to visit them, I always call first.

      Now several years ago my youngest son was going thru depression, he was very overweight and would go on severe diets, then fail and he'd fall into deep black thoughts and complete withdrawn from everyone.   When he wouldn't answer his phone and days/weeks would go by I'd go and hammer on his door til he answered.  Once he had seen someone and they had seen that he had gained back his weight it seemed to helps break the downward spiral.    So.....give your mom a little break on over caring, but at the same time try to establish some ground rules.

     How about going over and chatting with her and tell her you love her.   Then tell her how you feel and that you need to deal with this kidney stuff yourself before you can tell her everything.   Call her every couple of days.....after you know her new phone #   so she doesn't feel so helpless.   Another comment, she lost one child.......no mother should have to endure that pain and the thought of losing another is probably beyond our imagination.

     Maybe she should get involved with the caregiver's pages on IHD to help her understand.

     Anyway,  I just want you to know whenevery you want to rant....just tell us how you feel.

                                       Joanna

[Sluff]

All I'm going to say is I wish my Mom was still around to invade my privacy and care about me.

George all I can say buddy is you need to set boundaries for everyone including Mom to follow just as she would probably do the same.

I think she loves you very much and just doesn't understand your way of dealing with things. Don't ruin a relationship over this, you may regret that in the long run. Many many many times after people leave I just roll my eyes and blow it off because i don't want to upset the apple cart. Which may or may not be the correct way to deal with those things.

Key word is BOUNDARIES and get the locks changed.

[Deanne]

I understand where you're coming from. I have problems with my mom, too. Growing up it felt like we weren't "allowed" to have feelings or talk about anything too personal with my mom. I don't know things about their lives that it seems most children know about their parents, like how / where my parents met, who they were, etc. I only recently learned that my mom stayed with a family "in town" to go to high school as a child because she couldn't have gotten to school from where she lived in the country. Anyway, since talking about personal stuff was always taboo, I'm not comfortable talking to them about anything health-related in my life. That's *my* business and I don't welcome their intrusion. It feels like they're being nosy when they ask questions -- that's what they taught us.

I would have been livid if my mom had broken in on me, too.

I don't really have any advice, just empathy. My solution was to move away. My family lives in Minnesota and I live in Oregon. My mom hates to travel (I think she's afraid of it) and I have a houseful of animals who make it difficult for me to travel much. I don't hate my mom. Sometimes I even like her. Usually I feel a bit sorry for her. I can't do anything about the way she is. I can only control my own actions and emotions. I think she has mental health issues, but since she won't acknowledge them, I just work around them as best I can. This means checking in on the phone weekly so they don't worry, but since it's just on the phone and she can't see what I'm doing / has no insight into my life that I don't give her, I feel much more in control.

[stauffenberg]

I had an 'overprotective' mother as well, but the term 'overprotective' can be misleading, since it suggests excessive, positive caring, rather than intrusive, uncaring, possessiveness, which is often what it really involves.  I read an interesting article in a psychiatry journal which suggested that mothers become 'overprotective' in reaction to their subconscious fear that the home, the family, and the mother herself may be harming the child and may even pose a serious danger to the child's safety.  Because mothers cannot accept the awareness that they are hurting their child, they project this notion onto the outside world, since they can accept the idea that the source of their worries for the child's safety is due to dangers outside the home and from others, not from them.