I am going to RANT

[kitkatz]

     


It will be 15 years of my doing hemodialysis three days a week on November 2, 2013.
I am pissed about it now.
I have been pissed off before but now I am sick of it.
I am sick of the petty bitchy rules the center is constantly telling me about.
I am sick of sitting in a chair for seven hours three days a week.
I wish I had my bed back in the Riverside unit.
I am tired of my hands hurting constantly because of stupid nerve damage.
I have now become hard of hearing in my left ear because of the sepsis from the intestinal debacle in July.
I am tired of being sore constantly everyday all the time.
I am tired of going to KAiser for appointment after appointment.
It has been at least one a week if not two or more. Sheez!
Tired of dealing literally with shit all the time from the ileostomy bag.
It is now sticking to me for at least three days. If we look at it right and put it on right.
I am tired of this getting better and want it over NOW.
I am tired of being tired, tired, tired all the time.
I am sick of how long it takes me to do anything.
Tired of going to dialysis day end and day out without a break in sight.
I can barely sit in that chair for my time now and it was shortened by an hour by the docs.
I am going out of my mind slowly as I sit there and do my time.
I will end up crying on the way out of there or during dialysis.
Noone gets it.
Husband wants to know why I am crying, sometimes I do not know.
I am sinking slowly, slowly into mental quicksand.
I have decided after all these years of being a good patient, it is time to do what I want to do.
If I want off after four or five hours I am coming off when I say so.
If I am there at seven I am off at two exactly whether I use the bathroom once or twice.
These nurses will add time on the machine for bathroom trips, I say NO more!
Enough, enough, enough!

[galvo]

Hooley Dooley, kitkatz! I bet it was a bit of relief getting that off your chest. I could offer you a swag of useless platitudes, but you would doubtless, correctly, tell me to shove them where the monkey shoved the nuts! Are you on any happy pills? They won't change the situation, but they may make it slightly more bearable. Other than that , I got nothin'. At least the gang here realise that this rotten disease is not only physically debilitating.

[Darthvadar]

Thinking of you, Hon...

You've been through quite a tornado recently....

Mum would agree with you, by the way!....

Talk to your doc about depression, and about being treated for it... Mum's on Lexapro... Took about six months to find the right one antidepressant, but it's kicking in...

God bless.....

C...

[Jean]

Yep, the right kind of pill can make things more tolerable for you. You have had a bad stretch of luck, but it is bound to get better for you soon. We are all cheering you on and hope things begin to get better for you. Excellent rant tho!!! You did an awesome job.

[geoffcamp]

**********EXPLICIT LANGUAGE WARNING*************

DITTO!!!!  But only about 13 years on dialysis.

I've tried the "magic depression" pills. There is no such magic trust me. It's all about attitude!!  And I don't care who you are after 10 plus years of dealing with all this SHIT ANYONE would be absolutely INSANE if they didn't feel the way you and I do kitkatz.

Look we have tried looking at the bright side for YEARS!!  I'm right there with you!!  And the money pressure too (not sure if I saw that in your list!).
Your 100% right NO ONE GETS IT!!!  The only people that have any idea are those of us going thru it day p*cking in and day p*cking out!!!

I have no idea what will happen over the next few hours, days, months maybe years but I can tell you I'm NOT happy and I don't see any lights at the end of the tunnel. And I'm sooooooo damn sick of people blowing rainbows and sunshine shit and cutesy little p*cking quotes up my ass I could scream!! 

In addition if I were to have a complete turn around health wise tomorrow I'm 44 years old--- where would I get a job in this economy?  Prospects are for shit!! 

Yes yes I'm continuing. And for me I'm still single (wonder why!) and feel like I'm an outsider in this world.

Kitkatz, you mention being tired too.... Shit I HATE that. Sleep for day(s) sometimes can't sleep at night a lot. My body clock is so screwed up!!  It affects  EVERYTHING!!!!  Miss doc appts and reschedule can't finish anything I start. HATE IT!!

Look I'm sorry to be this way and I'm happy for those of you who seem to cope better than I. I really am happy for you guys. But for me I feel like I'm just existing here on earth for some crazy cosmic joke!!!! 

----Geoff

[nursey66]

I get it !!!  And I am only a 'caregiver' . Not going through it my self, but going through it with my Hubby !! It is so hard for others not involved with D to understand how your life 'literally' revolves around it !!!!! Hang in there, please.

[Rerun]

Well, then you better tell your family sister because they did everything in their power to keep you alive so you could feel this way.

I have a DNR and my family knows NOT to bring me back from Heavan's Gates just so I can live on dialysis.

You were brought back so you better get things in order because there probably will be a "next time"!

Hope you get a break so you can feel better to enjoy your off days.  Sorry to be so blunt!

               

[monrein]

KK, I have no cheerful ditties or hopeful homilies to send you, just a couple of hugs and the reminder that no matter how crap you feel, or have felt, you still manage to give many of us strength and faith in the human spirit's ability to endure crap.  I am thinking of you and only wish that I were able to give you a bit of feeling good and peacefulness if only for a short while. 

[Deanne]

 

I know there's nothing I could say or do to make any of it any better. I can only tell you I care and I'm sorry you have to endure any of this. You've always shows such a great spirit and help everyone here so much that it hurts to hear you're in such pain.

[MooseMom]

kitkatz, I've tried imagining what your life has been like over the past few years, and nope, can't imagine it.

Yes, you've been a "good patient" for an awfully long time, and I can't help but agree with your sentiment of "now it's time to do whatever the hell I want."  Frankly, I think this is a good strategy.  My opinion, for what it is worth (not a lot) is that now you should concentrate on achieving whatever you define as a better quality of life.  If it means going to the bathroom during treatment whenever you want and not having that result in more time on the machine, then so be it.

Being mindful of your current situation (which warrants inexplicable crying which I think is entirely explicable, actually), can you come up with a list of small things that you might be able/might want to do to make each day a little bit better?  If you look too far into the future, well, it's dark down that particular tunnel.  But what might you possibly do TODAY that could bring a smile to your face? 

Life is so unfair, and reading your post just makes me so angry.  This just isn't fair.

[jeannea]

That's an impressive rant. 15 years is a realllllly long time. I'm so sorry. Keep on ranting.

[UkrainianTracksuit]

All I can do is send hugs.    I think when the need to rant stops, we’re all in trouble.  Keep on ranting and do what changes you need to make so that things are better for you.

And I'm sooooooo damn sick of people blowing rainbows and sunshine shit and cutesy little p*cking quotes up my ass I could scream!! 

Geoffcamp, you took the words out of my mouth.  I am so sick of the “positivity” quotes that the next person that sends one, I will slap with a shopping bag full of Jell-O.  Last week, I was sent the gem of  “I am not a product of my circumstances.  I am a product of my decisions.”  Obviously, the words of someone without a chronic illness that just decided to happen...

[kitkatz]

"And I'm sooooooo damn sick of people blowing rainbows and sunshine shit and cutesy little p*cking quotes up my ass I could scream!!"  Geoff

Me too. And I try to stay positive mostly, but this shi*  has gotten to me.

[iketchum]

I know this disease gets to all of us. I almost break into tears as I drive in to the hospital most days. Yo feel like a burden on society and to have the VA pay for all my treatments. I want to be a contributing working citizen of this country, but just cannot do it now. I have trouble with my honey do list let alone get a job. I try to stay active hunting and fishing, but that is sort of a joke. I go out into the woods and most days fall asleep sitting in some comfortable spot while waiting for game to come by and wake me up. It has been 5 years, I do understand the hell we go through.

[Riki]

I don't think we'd expect less then a rant from you, Kitz...

I understand the inexplicable crying.. I've done that too recently.. I don't know why I'm getting so upset.. I know I'm stressed from all the crap I went through (and am still going through) this summer, besides dialysis.. it's to a point now that my hair is falling out.. and I don't have much left to come out these days.. I long for the days when I was a teenager or when I was in my 20s and I had long, thick, curly brown hair.. now it's thin, straight as a poker, and comes out in handfuls..

[Henry P Snicklesnorter]

.

[Poppylicious]

I can't do anything but send you some very ineffectual *huggles*, but I'm glad you were able to come on here and get it off your chest so that some amazing people could give you exactly the support you need.

[cdwbrooklyn]

I DO UNDERSTAND!!!!!

[willowtreewren]

Kit, if ANYONE deserves to rant, it is you! I can only agree with what Gail said. You have given so much to others. I wish we could in turn give back to YOU!

No positivity being pushed up your @$$. But hugs and hopes that it will be a bit better tomorrow.

Aleta

[kitkatz]

Last night dialysis My hands hurt so bad I came off the machine 45 minutes early.
I was crying at dialysis.
Came home and slept the rest of the morning away.
I am having nerve problems in both hands now since the ileostomy surgery.
They say it is from the sepsis.  I also cannot ear talking out of my left ear due to sepsis.
This all sucks beyond belief.

[jeannea]

I think I'm going to cry for you. I hope you find some relief soon.

[Desert Dancer]

So sorry, kitkatz. I know how you feel and if there were some way to make it better for you, I would.

[Sugarlump]

I understand and I think as patients we need to take back control
Nurses can be so casual in their attitude towards our suffering
They need to learn to listen to us
    

[kitkatz]

 
And on top of it all I had to miss the IHD.com get together in Las Vegas.
Hubby was not comfortable with me being so fr away from my med help.
I hate this slow recovery time!

[willowtreewren]

Just sending hugs to you! I wish it could be better.