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Author Topic: Favorite one liners....  (Read 6403 times)
kitkatz
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« on: December 15, 2012, 10:15:09 PM »
"Veni, vidi, velcro- I came, I saw, I stuck around."
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lifenotonthelist.com

Ivanova: "Old Egyptian blessing: May God stand between you and harm in all the empty places you must walk." Babylon 5

Remember your present situation is not your final destination.

Take it one day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time.

"If we don't find a way out of this soon, I'm gonna lose it. Lose it... It means go crazy, nuts, insane, bonzo, no longer in possession of ones faculties, three fries short of a Happy Meal, wacko!" Jack O'Neill - SG-1
gothiclovemonkey
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« Reply #1 on: December 15, 2012, 10:49:37 PM »
 :thumbup;

i dont know any clean jokes LOL
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"Imagine how important death must be to have a prerequisite such as life" Unknown
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Mr Pink
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« Reply #2 on: December 16, 2012, 04:28:38 AM »
A line I use when I'm starving hungry; I'm so hungry, I could bite the @rse out of a low flying duck!
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MaryD
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« Reply #3 on: December 16, 2012, 04:34:10 AM »
Very tasty, Mr Pink!  Very tasty
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Joe
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« Reply #4 on: December 16, 2012, 07:24:36 AM »
One I use with my students from time to time; "Simple things, simple minds."
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Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God...
Riki
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« Reply #5 on: December 16, 2012, 02:53:07 PM »
My grandmother used to say when we were kids that we'd run around like farts in a pickle jar...

Mom will ask me what I want for supper, and I'll say, "food."

In a conversation with my mom one day, I said, "what kind of an idiot do you take me for?"  She opened her mouth, but before she could say anything I said, "don't answer that."
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Dialysis - Feb 1991-Oct 1992
transplant - Oct 1, 1992- Apr 2001
dialysis - April 2001-May 2001
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iketchum
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« Reply #6 on: December 16, 2012, 05:31:53 PM »
Mike Stvik from All in the Family said- Thank God I am an atheist.
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kitkatz
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« Reply #7 on: December 16, 2012, 07:58:58 PM »
The low flying sonic penguins came by and swept over your brain!
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lifenotonthelist.com

Ivanova: "Old Egyptian blessing: May God stand between you and harm in all the empty places you must walk." Babylon 5

Remember your present situation is not your final destination.

Take it one day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time.

"If we don't find a way out of this soon, I'm gonna lose it. Lose it... It means go crazy, nuts, insane, bonzo, no longer in possession of ones faculties, three fries short of a Happy Meal, wacko!" Jack O'Neill - SG-1
Simon Dog
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« Reply #8 on: December 16, 2012, 08:27:09 PM »
"Play stupid games, win stupid prizes"
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gothiclovemonkey
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« Reply #9 on: December 17, 2012, 04:35:34 AM »
Quote from: Riki on December 16, 2012, 02:53:07 PM
My grandmother used to say when we were kids that we'd run around like farts in a pickle jar...

Mom will ask me what I want for supper, and I'll say, "food."

In a conversation with my mom one day, I said, "what kind of an idiot do you take me for?"  She opened her mouth, but before she could say anything I said, "don't answer that."

 :rofl; :rofl; :rofl; :rofl; farts in a pickle jar  :clap; :2thumbsup; :rofl;
 
things grandmas say! i swear that would be a good show lol
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"Imagine how important death must be to have a prerequisite such as life" Unknown
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Rerun
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Going through life tied to a chair!
« Reply #10 on: December 17, 2012, 08:11:02 AM »
  If you don't have anything nice to say, SIT by me!

That line is from Steel Magnolias.

     :cheer:
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jbeany
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« Reply #11 on: December 17, 2012, 11:36:49 AM »
My gram didn't say "fart in a pickle jar" - it was "have a fart stuck crossways."
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"Asbestos Gelos"  (As-bes-tos yay-lohs) Greek. Literally, "fireproof laughter".  A term used by Homer for invincible laughter in the face of death and mortality.
Simon Dog
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« Reply #12 on: December 17, 2012, 12:56:39 PM »
Quote
Mom will ask me what I want for supper, and I'll say, "food."

When a form says "who to notify in case of emergency", I'll bet you write "A doctor".
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Darthvadar
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« Reply #13 on: December 17, 2012, 02:48:06 PM »
I did something really naughty...

I had to fill out a Consent Form to have surgery a couple of years ago... It asked the question, 'Sex?'... I wrote in reply 'Depends on who's offering'... There were hysterics in the Operating Theatre...

Can't take me anywhere!...

Darth....
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Cared for my late mum, Elsie who had Kidney Failure... Darling mum died on July 15th 2014... May her gentle soul rest in peace....
jbeany
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« Reply #14 on: December 17, 2012, 07:09:41 PM »
Best thing I've heard so far this year was the Polish idiom for "Not my problem."

It translates as "Not my circus; not my monkeys."

I soooo need that on a T-shirt.
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"Asbestos Gelos"  (As-bes-tos yay-lohs) Greek. Literally, "fireproof laughter".  A term used by Homer for invincible laughter in the face of death and mortality.
Simon Dog
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« Reply #15 on: December 18, 2012, 08:24:55 AM »
Quote from: Darthvadar on December 17, 2012, 02:48:06 PM
I did something really naughty...

I had to fill out a Consent Form to have surgery a couple of years ago... It asked the question, 'Sex?'... I wrote in reply 'Depends on who's offering'... There were hysterics in the Operating Theatre...

Can't take me anywhere!...

Darth....
Religion?  Answer "Pastafarian" (google it).  Tell them it means they have to serve you spaghetti on Wednesday.
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Riki
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« Reply #16 on: December 18, 2012, 12:46:22 PM »
Quote from: Simon Dog on December 17, 2012, 12:56:39 PM
Quote
Mom will ask me what I want for supper, and I'll say, "food."

When a form says "who to notify in case of emergency", I'll bet you write "A doctor".

or 911
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Dialysis - Feb 1991-Oct 1992
transplant - Oct 1, 1992- Apr 2001
dialysis - April 2001-May 2001
transplant - May 22, 2001- May 2004
dialysis - May 2004-present
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HD - Dec 2008-present
AnnieB
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« Reply #17 on: January 24, 2013, 01:32:32 PM »
His brother was an only child.
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thegrammalady
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« Reply #18 on: January 24, 2013, 04:22:45 PM »
"that's about as useful as boobs on a snake"
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If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning how to dance in the rain.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Meddle Not In The Affairs Of Dragons
For You Are Crunchy And Taste Good With Ketchup
Riki
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« Reply #19 on: January 24, 2013, 06:07:04 PM »
"he's so dumb, he couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel."

**Disclaimer-before you continue reading..
This next one might be a tad offensive, but I find it funny..

My dad used to work in an auto parts store.  One day, one of his regular customers came in, and he must have been having a bad day.  When dad asked him how things were, his answer was, "my luck is so bad, if I fell into a bucket of tits I'd come out sucking my thumb."
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brenda seal
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« Reply #20 on: January 25, 2013, 02:08:27 AM »
Years ago I was reading through application forms for a storeman's position at work . In answer to sex - some guy wrote " Yes , once in Dubbo " Dubbo is a country town here in New South Wales .
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Rerun
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Going through life tied to a chair!
« Reply #21 on: January 25, 2013, 09:09:54 AM »
I'll be your Huckleberry...........    ;)

(off of some western... I think Doc Holiday)
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gothiclovemonkey
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« Reply #22 on: January 25, 2013, 07:53:27 PM »
came across this :)
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"Imagine how important death must be to have a prerequisite such as life" Unknown
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chook
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Born to be a Granma!
« Reply #23 on: March 04, 2013, 05:51:55 PM »
I offer this one, said to a barrister by my niece's husband after he'd settled a compensation claim:
"I'm as happy as a tin full of worms on their way home from a fishing trip." !
That's happy  :2thumbsup;
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Diagnosed PKD 1967, age 8
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"To strive, to seek, to find...and not to yield!"
Darthvadar
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« Reply #24 on: March 06, 2013, 01:05:07 AM »
My late grandmother very rarely came out with anything rude, but when she did, it was usually a classic....

If a man did something daft, she used to say "Oh well, you can't give a man two heads and expect him to think with the right one!"....

Ooooooh, catty!.... LOL!...

Darth....
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Cared for my late mum, Elsie who had Kidney Failure... Darling mum died on July 15th 2014... May her gentle soul rest in peace....
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