Close to a transpalnt

[highway61]

     I have been on PD a very short time. I have a person who has volunteered to be a donor and has passed all the tests and has been approved. I am on the verge of getting a transplant from a sister in law who is is good health. She is 48 years old and is my wife's youngest sister.

     I am kinda conflicted about this. She is one of my favorite sister in laws and I can't help worrying about how she will fare. But at the same time I feel guilty in wishing she go through with it so I can return to a normal life.

     Am I a bad person for feeling willing to let go through with this? I feel guilt about it.


MOVED TOPIC - to Transplant: Discussions - RichardMEL, Moderator

[jshabanian]

No, you are not a bad person.  Bad people do not care about others and do harm to others.  You simply want to live!!!  There is nothing wrong with that!!

Your sister in law wants to help you. This is her choice.  My best friend gave me a kidney and she said she has never regretted it...even when my transplant failed.  She said she  would do it all over again knowing it would only last 4 years.  Your sister in law will feel immense satisfaction watching you regain your life.  She wants to be a part of it too and wants you to be around to spend your life with her sibling and to be a part of the family.

Let her be generous and unselfish.  Don't rob her of this opportunity to give to you.  Stop the guilt!!!

[boswife]

Wonderful news! wonderful gift, wonderful of you to accept it    Im so very happy for you and wish an easy transplant when that time comes.  Bless that SIL...  This will bless her whole life as well 

[jeannea]

No reason for guilt. She wants to donate or she wouldn't do it. My mother donated to me and I had a great 11 years. The first few days after the operation she will feel sucky because it's surgery. But long term she should be fine.

[Joe]

I'm in the same situation you are highway, we have a close family friend that wants to donate a kidney to me. She passed the first round of testing and has to lose 20 pounds before she goes into the final testing phase. She's 24 and has a long life ahead of her. I'm concerned on a level about her long term outlook - I don't know if further down the road she may have problems with her kidneys ( or kidney when she gives me one). But I too am feeling a bit guilty about wanting her to go through with it for the same reasons as you. I guess the best we can do is suck it up and be appreciative of their generosity and caring for us.

[ToddB0130]

Joe --- I have a friend that same age (24) and I also have the same concerns.  He has not started any testing, but he's been in contac with my transplant center and gotten paperwork/instructions, etc.  He smokes and from what I understand that is an automatic no-no for a potential donor, so he has to overcome that hurdle, plus several others not related to his own health before he'll be 'ready'.  I'm glad he'll have the time to really consider everything he's generously offering and we'll see how it pans out.

[Poppylicious]

Gosh highway, don't feel guilty!  She's not doing this because you're pointing a gun at her head (you're not are you?!) but because she's made a choice to make your life a little (or a lot!) better.

Very excited for you!

 

[MooseMom]

Everyone in your position handles these things a bit differently.  I know there is at least one member of IHD (I'm sorry, I can't remember his name) who is adamant about never accepting a transplant from a live donor.  If you think that feelings of guilt or responsibility will hinder your living happily with a transplant, then don't do it. 

If it is a spouse who is offering to be a live donor, then you shouldn't feel guilty because your spouse suffers along with you while you are battling chronic disease.  If your life is better, then your spouse's life becomes better.  But if the donor is someone with less intimate ties with you, then it is wise to think long and hard about this choice.  I personally don't think you should feel guilty, especially if you work hard to ensure that your donor is very well informed and knows that she can back out at any time, no questions asked.  It's very important that she should feel free to change her mind, even at the last minute, or else there will be hard feelings all around.  But just because I wouldn't feel guilty doesn't mean that you would not, so it is important that you think this through.

Good luck!

[lmunchkin]

Awe, I hope this works out for you Highway.  It is normal to feel the way you are feeling and you are not a bad person at all. I think this is quite normal, if you ask me!

Take care & God Bless,
lmunchkin
 

[highway61]

Once again this site is so good at making me feel more at ease about this journey. We have never asked anyone to consider donation, my sister in law just felt that it was the right thing to do and pursued it on her own.

All of you have, as usual, really helped me learn more and understand things more clearly. You have helped me look at things unblemished by emotions. Thanks again to all of you for all the help you have been and are continuing to be.

 

[MooseMom]

Once again this site is so good at making me feel more at ease about this journey. We have never asked anyone to consider donation, my sister in law just felt that it was the right thing to do and pursued it on her own.

It IS the right thing to do!  Looking at it from a different perspective, your SIL may be one of those special people who simply could not live with herself knowing that she could save someone from dialysis yet chose not to.  To decide not to at least find out if you can donate is in and of itself a choice, and if you are a decent human being, that would be a difficult choice to live with.

I hope all goes well for you both!  I can't wait to hear more of your story.

[highway61]

Thanks MooseMom. Your words are comforting. I feel like Joe, that if my SIL wants to do this I should just suck it up and accept her love. Like Joe, I am apprehensive about what may happen to her later. I really love her and have for years and don't want anything to happen to her, especially if it is because of me. But nobody asked her to do this, she just wanted to. I am so touched, but I can't help feeling a degree of guilt.

Hey Poppy, you are too funny. Not there were no guns involved. 

After reading all the comments here, I am feeling a bit more relaxed about it. You people are great. Thanks!

 

[RichardMEL]

You're not a "bad person" at all. The mere fact that you're wrestling with these very emotional issues proves that without a doubt. A selfish and uncaring person would grab it and run.

From my own perspective I believe I understand some of where you are coming from. My own (blood) sister is a match for me and was tested. During that time (long time members will be sick of this story lol) I was very conscious of feeling "responsible" for her should anything happen to her as a result of donating. I felt selfish to put her at risk from the op, complications etc for my own benefit. I also knew though she was making HER choice to be tested and to potentially give - being informed of the potential risks to her and I and so on. It was a real wrestle for me between the two - I mean let's say I stopped it all and said No - that is rejecting her wishes to donate and then how would she feel? Offering such a priceless gift is not something to knock back.

There are many perspectives to this kind of issue from where you sit - as you, the potential recipient know it's a lot different to a donor, a spouse/carer or other close person that knows either person involved.

I have told everyone that, well, when my sister was knocked back at the last hurdle I was more relieved than sad/disappointed, which seems odd, but that's honestly how I felt.

Now I have a wonderful gift from a nameless person I will never know who was generous beyond a fault and I lways think of that person and their family and friends for the renewed life I have been given.. yet I do still think of those issues I potentially faced with my sister. To this day, had she passed that hurdle, I am still not sure what I would have done when push came to shove.

And maybe down the track this is a situation i will have to come back to, when my current tx fails.....

So anyway you're not bad... you seem quite normal to me because you care so much - and about your SIL - not even a blood relative. Good for you. It's not easy, but it shows you're a worthy person ithink.

[MooseMom]

To echo what Richard has said, I think that any of us who have the chance to have a living donor should ask ourselves the question, "How would I feel if something bad happened to my donor?"  Nephrectomy is a much less riskier procedure than transplantation, but all surgical procedures have an element of risk, and I think that it behooves us all to at least think about how we would cope if a donation resulted in something bad for the donor. 

Richard, I understand entirely why you would be "relieved" that your sister didn't work out for you.  That's a whole heap of worry that you didn't have to confront.  Transplantation is surely emotionally draining enough without having to also be concerned for your living donor.  I say you lucked out, actually!!

[coravh]

I received a kidney from my cousin in 2002. At first I felt a bit nervous about it, but here is how I think about it. I would run into a burning building to save her. And that is what she did for me - only donating a kidney is much safer than running into a burning building. Donors are wonderful people and studies show that they are typically happier after donation than the "regular" population. Yes, it is a big surgery, but it is as safe as they can make it.

Best of luck to you both and keep us posted.

Cora

[Deanne]

I struggle with this, too. My sister wants to donate to me. She has to lose another 10 pounds and then re-test. Sometimes I get angry because she's not doing anything about losing the weight. Sometimes I'm disgusted at myself for being angry at her about it. I'm not "entitled" to her kidney. Sometimes I'm relieved that she isn't doing anything about it so I don't have to worry about it. Sometimes I think I'm a bad person because she's doing her best and I just can't bring myself to pay more attention to her. We aren't close. She lives in MN. I live in Oregon, and I only rarely call or email her. I feel like I should be putting more effort into building a relationship if she's willing to do this for me, but we have nothing in common. When we talk, we never have anything to talk about. Then I'm back to being angry because a living donor would be so much better. Back to relieved....

In the midst of it all, I try to put myself in her shoes. If any of my family needed anything, I'd do whatever I could to help them, even though we aren't close. If I feel this way, they probably feel the same.

[MooseMom]

Deanne, I can see where your situation would be emotionally very confusing.  I wouldn't want to be in your shoes. 

I have a half-brother who doesn't even ask me how I am doing, and he's certainly not going to offer me a kidney (he's too old now, anyway, probably).  My husband is not ABO compatible, but he could be part of a paired exchange if he would lose weight, but that's not going to happen.  I don't have a lot of family that I am close to, although the only one who has ever mentioned being tested has, I suspect, an alcohol problem and probably wouldn't be acceptable.

For a long time, I felt rather angry that no one would step up to at least be tested, but as time has gone on, I think I am relieved.  It is very possible that I may get a cadaveric kidney before I could find a living donor who still had to go through all the testing, and since it does look like I won't get a living donor, I find that I am really quite happy about that.  I know several people who have lived for decades with a cadaveric kidney just like I know others whose living donor kidney didn't last as long, so you just take your chances with what you get.

All I know is that I am so fed up with all of this that the last thing I want is a living donor to have to worry about.

Deanne, you must be equally fed up with this seesaw of emotions!

[RichardMEL]

Deanne - awesome post. I think you summed up very well, yet simply, the various strings pulling at our hearts in this whole situation - the conflict between what we want/need so badly, yet not wanting to be selfish or to feel an entitlement to a donation because a donor is a relative. And then that respionsibility that I felt so much, vs the awareness that saying no can be ust as damaging as saying yes. So many conflicting feelings and stresses. I bet if you got all the psych tests together 95% would voice these exact same kinds of thoughts, feelings and fears - for we are human and we care. Some may even argue that the emotional conflict is proof enough that we deserve the gift less we selfishly didn't care and would take without a second thought.

This whole thing is not easy for any of us, and yes MM I do feel like I have lucked out, even if my donor seems to have been a bit of a gambler on the horses, and not always successful one at that!!!  15 months in I feel good and every day I'm not on that freakin' machine is an awesome thing.

[mcclane]

     I have been on PD a very short time. I have a person who has volunteered to be a donor and has passed all the tests and has been approved. I am on the verge of getting a transplant from a sister in law who is is good health. She is 48 years old and is my wife's youngest sister.

     I am kinda conflicted about this. She is one of my favorite sister in laws and I can't help worrying about how she will fare. But at the same time I feel guilty in wishing she go through with it so I can return to a normal life.

     Am I a bad person for feeling willing to let go through with this? I feel guilt about it.


MOVED TOPIC - to Transplant: Discussions - RichardMEL, Moderator

I can totally understand where you're coming from.  I recently had my transplant, and my mom was the donor.  Throughout the whole testing phase and right up until the surgery, I also felt guilty dragging my mom thru all the tests (some of them weren't fun I'm sure, like the 24 hour bp test), but my parents stated that they would do what it takes to make it happen.

Half of me wanted it to happen as I didn't want to deal with hemo anymore, but on the other hand, I also felt guilty that my mom was doing this. 

Way I see it, if there was any hesitation, the donor would have backed off by now.  Seeing how your donor made it through all the tests, I would say she is committed to seeing it through.

Congrats,

[MooseMom]

McClane, I have no doubt that your mother would go through hell or high water to save her child from a life of dialysis.  I can assure you that once she knew she was medically approved to donate, she would be so grateful for the chance to do this for you.  NOTHING....NOTHING is worse in this world than watching your child suffer and not being able to do anything about it.  Your mother is lucky that she didn't have to just sit by and watch you deteriorate.

I know this to be true because I am a mom.