Depression

[KICKSTART]

To be honest , i am not sure if it is depression or just plain fed-up! To explain more i will have to give you a bit of background info. I'm female in my 40's and now single, i have been doing manual PD for nearly 2 yrs now. My husband walked out on me 2 months into starting dialysis (which was no great loss to me), as he thought i should be able to carry on exactly the same as before i got ill.Anyway as a result i have had to start over again , he stopped paying the mortgage, so i had to move. Thing is i have done all this and come out the other side, but i think the constant tiredness is depressing me. I have a whole house to decorate now ,and its just the day to day jobs that i have no energy for that are getting me down . Apart from decorating ,there is diy and gardening,some days its to much effort to lift a duster! Even something as simple as a delivery causes great problems when trying to explain you need an idea of the time it will come , only to get we deliver between 8am and 8 pm. Before you ask ..no .. i have no family near by to help out or friends for that matter. Any suggestions guys

[goofynina]

Hi Kickstart,  Have you thought of doing CCPD, that is using the cycler at night to free up your days so you wont have to do the manual exchanges and maybe you will be a little more motivated to do other things during the day.  I remember when i was on hemo i was so depressed, then i went to CAPD,  i felt a little better but i would still get very frustrated easily, but now that i am CCPD, my cycler does all the work at night while i sleep and my days are free to do what i need to do.  I am sorry that is the only thing i can suggest at this time but hopefully you will find what makes you happy soon.  Another thing that has helped me a GREAT deal is posting and reading here at IHD, it has truly been my Godsend 

[MooseMom]

Hi, Kickstart,

I really think that mental health is neglected in patients who have chronic illnesses.  Life doesn't stop just because you are on dialysis.  Family members still pass away, divorces still happen, children still get sick, people still move house, jobs still suck and your neighbors still get on your nerves.

When I was told about the severity of my CKD, I had recently divorced and moved back to the US from abroad.  I had just bought a new house that needed serious redecorating.  I was about to remarry.  My father had recently died.  I KNOW that I suffered from depression, and sometimes I think I still do.  I have a supportive husband, but I have no friends nor family in this area, but I am so delighted to say that my husband's freaky family and his psychotic ex-wife live right here in town (insert sarcasm smiley here!).

There is nothing that will lead you into depression more quickly than constant, corrosive fatigue.  It undermines absolutely everything.  And depression makes you even more fatigued, and before you know it, you're stuck in a vicious circle.

If you have no support system...no family or friends around...things get really difficult.

Perhaps the first thing to do is to talk to your doctor about your fatigue.  Dialysis is supposed to do more than just keep you alive.  I've always read that successful dialysis means that by the time your next treatment comes around, you are supposed to feel like you don't even need it!  If there is a physical reason for your fatigue, that issue can be addressed fairly easily.

Emotional support is important, and this website is invaluable for that.  People here really do understand how you feel.  I actually saw a therapist a couple of times, but she didn't tell me anything I didn't already know.  One time she said that I should treat CKD like a job, ie, think about it from 9-5 but at no other times.  That's great advice, but gee, you can't take a holiday from pills and doctors' appointment and labwork and dietary restrictions.  And you can't insulate yourself from your daily life.  Here's an example...

Last night I was watching a PBS programme about multi drug resistant "superbugs".  One patient caught a staph infection from his dialysis treatment.  Can't watch TV without seeing a kidney patient somewhere.

This morning, I turned on ESPN, and they were doing a story about Emerson Walls getting a kidney donated from a teammate.  Can't even watch ESPN without hearing about CKD.

You know how you learn a new word, and then you suddenly see it everywhere?  It's the same with CKD!  I'd swear there was a kidney disease epidemic going on!  Even my husband is astounded by it!  He has said several times that there really is always something there to remind me that I have CKD.  ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

I don't know what your financial situation is like, but could you hire a cleaning service to give your house a good clean?  That might give you a "clean slate" so to speak.

Are there any neighbors around who have teenagers who'd like to make some money by doing some outside gardening chores?

I've found that all of my emotional energy goes toward trying not to be afraid; I have little energy left for the little things, so I think I know how you are feeling.

[KICKSTART]

Hi guys and thanks for the good comments, firstly i cant use a machine at night, mainly because my catheter is stuck under my ribs ( yes i know! and so do the hospital ) secondly i vary rarely spend more than 4 hrs a night in bed!. On a practical side i have spoken to the docs here in the UK about seeing a 'renal therapist' to help me deal with the down times , only to be told "oh he's gone now" (as in doesnt work here anymore). My GP is less than useless , i see a different one whenever i go ,and have to advise them on what treatments/tablets i can and cant take . The hospital just say "oh you are bound to be tired". The area i live in at the moment you wouldnt trust the 'kids' round here, they are more interested in 'trashing' stuff i'm afraid. I dont have any income to afford a cleaner (wish i did) that i can cope with, its just the things that your partner helps out with i miss most , practical and emotional ! . I just get sick of dialysis, being on my own , no energy to get out there and no-one to get out there with !! Sorry for the moan you guys ..but its so frustrating.

[Sluff]

This is the place for pissing (well for some) and moaning. It sound like your at wits end, you need to step back and analyze your situation a little and make things work around your schedule. What I mean is you need to accept the fact you get tired and that it is normal. Second pooey on the ex cause he would never have understood and the stress of trying to keep up to him would have been enormous. I do not have the answers hon but please don't be hard on yourself, life in itself is difficult, and adding this disease well it's brutal at times.

Come here anytime you need to speak your mind.

Come into the chat area sometime we have been trying to be there in the evenings.

[Nan]

Kickstart, I have been on hemo dialysis since June 06, prior to going on dialysis, I became more fatigued than I could ever imagine!  I seriously was sleeping like 18 hours a day and could not figure out what the heck was going on...till I went to the doc and had the "world fall out beneath my feet!" 
Now I still struggle with tiredness, I seem to sleep my life away, and I truly am not sure IF it is tiredness or sometimes depression, because there is NO way I can have my household tended to the way I used to....and there is NO way I can participate with my incredible family like I used to, I just haven't the energy! I am going to try PD and hope that it will make a difference for me.  Also, I have battled with SS since June and now have had to hire an attorney, which ticks me off...but I don't have the energy to fight them anymore either!....so....IS IT.....fatigue or depression?!

[livecam]

I think depression and fatigue go hand in hand with kidney disease, there is just no way to avoid either of them.  The uncertainty of outcome, the physical changes kidney failure brings, and the severe life changes this disease brings all contribute to being less than chipper at times.  When I was on dialysis I felt pretty lousy much of the time not to mention the treatment which sucks while you are actually doing it.  I have a transplant now but that isn't absolute perfection either.  In the back of my mind I sometimes wonder "how long is this going to last", "could I handle dialysis again if I had to", and "what would the chance of getting another kidney be" if I needed another transplant.  None of these thoughts are particularly happy ones but they do represent reality.  All we can do is deal with the situation in the best way we can.

[Rerun]

This might help.  Get a boy doll that looks kind of like your ex-husband.  I bought a Ken Doll (close enough).  Then get a set of needles from the dialysis center.  Knitting needles also work and hook the bastard up.  You can also dunk his head in the toilet and flush once in a while.  Guaranteed to help depression! 

                         

[goofynina]

This might help.  Get a boy doll that looks kind of like your ex-husband.  I bought a Ken Doll (close enough).  Then get a set of needles from the dialysis center.  Knitting needles also work and hook the bastard up.  You can also dunk his head in the toilet and flush once in a while.  Guaranteed to help depression! 

                         

LMFFAO.... Damn, i bet that would work, just reading it made me feel a whole hell of alot better 

[Sluff]

This might help.  Get a boy doll that looks kind of like your ex-husband.  I bought a Ken Doll (close enough).  Then get a set of needles from the dialysis center.  Knitting needles also work and hook the bastard up.  You can also dunk his head in the toilet and flush once in a while.  Guaranteed to help depression! 

                         

LMFFAO.... Damn, i bet that would work, just reading it made me feel a whole hell of alot better 

I'll bet she did that with the real person too.

[renal30yrs]

I've lived without family or support system for the past many years.  Sure is depressing but try not to manifest to the renal professionals  if you are thinking about being evaluated for transplant.  I understand many centers weed out the candidates that are psychologically unfit or "depressed".  Once you regain your health and freedom you will sure likely to feel very different.

[KICKSTART]

This might help.  Get a boy doll that looks kind of like your ex-husband.  I bought a Ken Doll (close enough).  Then get a set of needles from the dialysis center.  Knitting needles also work and hook the bastard up.  You can also dunk his head in the toilet and flush once in a while.  Guaranteed to help depression! 

                         

   


Love that idea , but actually went one better than that ! (er can't /dare not go into details) but who says revenge isnt sweet!  

[kitkatz]

My sister would take little green army men and put them in the freezer overnight.  That way when she took the hammer to them to relieve stress they blew apart really well.

[angela515]

I also think depression and fatigue go hand in hand. I'm currently still fatigued after transplant b/c my Hemoglobin and Hematocrit are still low... Hopefully the epo helps me... I hate the fatigue feeling, that alone makes ya just wanna lay down and not do anything.. which then can lead to depression b/c hey, who really wants to lay down all the time and feel worthless? I hope things get better! Hows your blood levels?

[goofynina]

Lately i have noticed that when i am watching something on TV that makes me laugh or just feel good, i bust out crying, i dont think i am depressed, at least i didnt at first but now i am beginning to wonder??  lol, 

[DeLana]

Kickstart,

It's likely that you are (at least somewhat) depressed!  You have had some major life changes - a divorce, no matter how bad the marriage may have been, is way up there on the stress scale; ESRD - losing your kidney function, and the changes that dialysis brings (which may have included loss of your job, although you didn't mention that) - is also a huge stressor.  Plus losing your home, having to move as a result, and having no local support system (family and friends) - add it all up, and I would be very surprised if you weren't depressed.

I would suggest counseling - I don't know how readily this is available to you, but I highly recommend it.  A clinical social worker or therapist can determine whether you need medications (which usually requires a referral to a physician) or "just" therapy.

It's tough not having a local support system, but this will hopefully change as you begin to meet people.  In the meantime, realize that you have found a wonderful support group right here - on this site. 

Wishing you the very best,

DeLana   

[paris]

Depression and fatigue - that describes kidney failure perfectly.  I always thought I could handle everything by myself.  I can't - too tired to move some days. I do take medicine for depression. It has made me a calmer person and I don't stress like I use to. I like myself better on the medicine. I fought taking it for a long time.  I am learning to accept help in any form. Please keep posting - everyone here is so caring and will give you lots of support.

[nextnoel]

This might help.  Get a boy doll that looks kind of like your ex-husband.  I bought a Ken Doll (close enough).  Then get a set of needles from the dialysis center.  Knitting needles also work and hook the bastard up.  You can also dunk his head in the toilet and flush once in a while.  Guaranteed to help depression! 

                         

   


Love that idea , but actually went one better than that ! (er can't /dare not go into details) but who says revenge isnt sweet!  

Aw, c'mon, go into details!  Some of us could use a little inspiration!

[livecam]

Sounds like a voodoo doll.  Why "hook the bastard up"?  Why not just drive one right through the heart?  If the "bastard" turns out to be a vampire besides an AH, you've killed two birds with one stake.  Oh, I need to get back to work, the sun is coming up.

[MooseMom]

Ah yes, the NHS. 

When I lived in the UK, I lived in the Croydon area.  I was a volunteer in a group called "Face to Face"; we supported parents who had just received some sort of "special needs" diagnosis for their child/children.  It was a completely free service.  There were a lot of free services of that sort for all kinds of people.  Could you perhaps contact your local council and see if there is a volunteer support group that could help you?

[KICKSTART]

Hi guys , i have read all your comments with great interest and it seems that depression hits us all at one time or another. Part of it is the fatigue it causes, i guess, the other part is pure frustration i think . The ability to carry out simple tasks, that you did before without even thinking. Practical jobs are a nightmare for me , i was never the worlds best at diy and gardening , but now find them almost impossible and end up stressing over silly things (like what will the neighbours think of my overgrown garden) While they do know i have kidney failure , they dont know what it entails and having not been here that long , i dont know them well enough to give them more of an insight, plus i'm a kinda private person!. I think the hardest problem we all come up against ( i know i do , even with people that i'm close too) is that fact that we appear to look well. If we had bandages/plasters and all kinds of stuff , then people would see something , but for the most, people tend to think i'm not that ill , purely because i dont look it!

[Joe Paul]

Depression is something you dwell on, but wont try to change. I'm not pointing this at anyone, but everyone; Just remember, things could always be worse. Dwell on the good things I'm sure each of us have, and soon we will forget what we each of us have to go through, just to survive 

[livecam]

Here's a little secret that might help deal with the depression and fatigue.  If you are on dialysis you MUST get a good night's sleep each night.  Dialysis patients almost all have sleeping problems due to systemic toxins, fluid imbalance, restless leg syndrome, and unexpected bleeding from access sites.  If you can't get to sleep without them, some form of medication is really helpful.  Restoril and Ambien are often the sleep aid of choice for dialysis patients.  Whatever you have to do to get that rest, do it.  The next day depends on it.

[KICKSTART]

Hi livecam , yes interesting comments and i have had loads of problems with sleep (or lack of) I'm in the UK so not sure about the drugs you mention ? But one thing i can tell you, is that i have told many different doctors that i see, both at the hospital (my specialist) and at my local surgery that i CANT  sleep ..only to be told that they wont give me anything , because "we" dont like to give you those types of drugs when you have kidney problems and so i have lost count of the offers of 'NO' help with this .

[kitkatz]

Not dealing with depression is a typical response, or else you have no idea you are depresed.  The days just seem longer and it is hard tog et up out of bed each day and get started.  I think you have to realize kidney disease sucks and it is hard on your mind and body. Ideas to use:
Get mental help from a professional.
Have a complete physical including hormonal bloodwork.
Get a good night's sleep.
If you can nap during the day.
Go to a friend's house and party.
Throw yourself a feel sad with me party complete with balloons and a clown.
When all else fails and you feel like you are going to throw yourself under a bus, get on line and come talk to us!