Anyone outside of the US, i could use help?

[gothiclovemonkey]

Like ive said i LOVE the blunt honesty and stuff so thats fine

[gothiclovemonkey]

,

[MooseMom]

I certainly wouldn't want to put you in a position where you feel forced to reveal something about yourself that you don't want to reveal,  but I would be interested to know more about the pictures you posted.  Does each of them reflect a different "side" of your personality, or are they merely fantastical photos?  Does each of them have a specific meaning, or are you merely trying on new personas (or "personae")?

[KarenInWA]

I just wanted to add my  to this.

When this thread started, it was as a request for help on how to purchase a movie.

A member then took it upon him/herself to copy and paste a rather disturbing description of said movie. I read it and got sick to my stomach (though, thankfully, not to the point of losing my dinner)

Another member also took the liberties of copying and pasting a review of a very sick-minded person.

I feel that both of these posts would have been better served as PM's to gothiclovemonkey. There was NO reason to post that garbage in a public forum. Let glm know about it yes, most definitely. But NOT in a public forum setting.

That led to more responses that were a lot like mine, and for good reason. Those 2 posts are disturbing. This is a forum for people who are battling a complex health problem. There is no need to post things like that.  Some of us battle disturbing symptoms on a daily or almost daily basis. We don't need to read things here that may exacerbate that. I feel that we need to use the PM feature a LOT more for things of a sensitive nature.

As a result of those 2 posts, and most of our reactions to them, glm feels targeted, and I can understand why. Now she feels defensive and hurt, and all she was doing, at the top of this thread, was asking for help in purchasing a movie.

Let this be a lesson to us all. If we discover something of a questionable nature that one of our members is inquiring about, or displaying, or ANYthing, please use the PM feature to communicate with them. It's a sign of respect to yourself, the member in question, and for all of us who read these threads on a normal basis.

Thank you,

KarenInWA

[gothiclovemonkey]

I certainly wouldn't want to put you in a position where you feel forced to reveal something about yourself that you don't want to reveal,  but I would be interested to know more about the pictures you posted.  Does each of them reflect a different "side" of your personality, or are they merely fantastical photos?  Does each of them have a specific meaning, or are you merely trying on new personas (or "personae")?

i guess u can say i am like a 20 sided di. when im alone i am not what everyone else sees. I dont label myself as one way or another... i feel like i am many different people all rolled into one messed up individual.
eh... You know what, MM, if you would like id be happy to talk to you personally, but i dont feel like if i posted on this that people would be very... accepting of it... so id rather take this private, i dont get a judgemental vibe from you.
Im not saying anyone here is, but i also know how our society treats people like me. id rather not see the hate.

[monrein]

Dear GLM
I just want to say that I hope you continue in therapy and that "normal" isn't a word that means much to me.  I prefer to think in terms of healthy and that too is relative depending on our experiences in life...as healthy as possible, all things considered, might be the most sensible goal.  From things you've said in various places and contexts I have a teeny tiny idea of huge trauma(s) in your life and a lot of cutting does have to do with trying to feel less numb inside.  I will tell you that sometimes the "scariest" people are the most scared on the inside and the seemingly timid can be extremely brave.  I think what's really important though is to come to terms with our feelings, with ALL of them,  which can sometimes be so overwhelming to us that we worry that no one will accept them.  Therapy ought to be a place where safety (both emotional and physical) can be found and I hope that you can express yourself there.  Bottled up thoughts are more dangerous sometimes than expressed ones no matter how weird or ugly they may seem to you or to others and deep dark closets aren't particularly "healthy" places to live in for any length of time.  Of course we all have aspects of ourselves that are not on display at all times to all people and some things that are ours alone but this ought not be the major part of who we are.  To be our authentic selves, our real selves and to be pleased and even proud of who we are is the goal worth working towards.  We are capable always of doing and being better and ought to strive to modify aspects that aren't so hot.   I do think that there is a huge difference between being non-judgmental and being open-minded.  I can be open-minded to preferences that others may have for a wide variety of things,  but the moment that a preference is imposed on someone else (child or adult) without their full understanding and consent then my mind closes and moves to a place of protection.  There is nothing open-minded about indifference in many, many situations. 
I don't know your boyfriend and this public forum is not the place to really get into his psyche but I would be curious (were I in your position) about his thought that nothing could ever disturb him and his desire to expose himself to as much ICK as is out there.  A movie like Clockwork Orange, let's say, is disturbing and ought to be disturbing and to not be disturbed or made uncomfortable by it would indicate to me that something is damaged in some way.  Perhaps he has experienced tough things too and this is his way of working things out.  We humans are complicated indeed.  This would be something perhaps for you to connect with him about...you know about your own areas of numbness, you could be curious about his. 
I'm really sorry GLM that life has been so difficult for you in so many ways and my hope for you is that you can find and focus on things that can restore your faith in people, your love for yourself and simple joy and pleasure.  You ought not to have been desensitized and traumatized by the events that you describe or allude to and I hope that you can somehow really know this and not feel so much pain.   

[gothiclovemonkey]

 

I wont deny my concern when i read what was posted about this movie, but i really do not think that hes a bad guy just for wanting to see it. I remeber about 10 years ago there was a show you could by off tv, about the same time that Girl Gone Wild crap came out, and its selling point was, "IF this movie doesnt offend you, you get ur money back" Does anyone else remember that?

[MooseMom]

Monrein, that's a very good point, defining the difference between being "open-minded" and "non-judgmental".

KarenInWA, you have a good point, too; I admit to forgetting about the PM function!

GLM, I am no therapist, so I have little to offer, but if you care to PM me at any time, you are more than welcome to.

[cariad]

Whoa! OK, I'm at my parents' tapping away on my phone so cannot be too fancy with this response. GLM, I never said nor thought you were a bad or unlikable person, nor that you would ever knowingly endanger your son, in fact I'm quite sure I said the opposite. However, I apologize for hurting your feelings with anything I wrote.

I am having a problem with semantics in this conversation. Not being 100% sure someone is who they say they are is different from not knowing someone 100% or however it was phrased. You have mentioned many times your low self-esteem and difficulty standing up for yourself and that combination can have dire consequences. What I have been hearing from this discussion is that this is somehow not a good enough reason to be concerned and not only do I disagree but wanted to remind you that you do not NEED a reason when deciding who is worthy of you and your son. You are not concerned and I trust your judgment of course. It would not be the right decision for me but we're not talking about me.

I don't think your boyfriend is a bad person though I agree with what monrein wrote about healthy and not. In my experience prevention is the only acceptable goal for my kids. I am not paranoid but I have heard far too many times "oh, oops, we just didn't know how much that would damage you." to not make some seemingly harsh decisions. Apologies are all well and good but they cannot give me back what I've lost. There is room for all manner of people between a person I would keep away from my kids and a bad person. Many of them will be perfectly lovely people, but when it comes to my kids, all interaction is entirely at Her Majesty's pleasure.

I do have to get the boys back to la but in closing, when I care about someone, I am honest (for the most part) even if I suspect they won't like my opinion and will react angrily to me. One of the nicest gestures I've ever seen was when I was dating a real lowlife and all of my friends lined up to tell me to my face. That was how I knew I was in a bad relationship. I felt that they must really care if they were willing to risk our friendship over that. To be clear I don't know your boyfriend and am not advising that you stop seeing him. However you seem to have decided that our concerns mean we don't like you and while I don't know you all that well you seemed like a charming young woman in LV and if I did not like you I would have just ignored this whole conversation.

[gothiclovemonkey]

Im not saying that you all dont like me, im saying I HOPE that isnt the case.

[gothiclovemonkey]

um...
im sorry... that was...... crazy...... im sorry. wow can we just delete this whole thing? im losing my freaking mind ............
im sorry i dont know whats going on my head hurts so bad and i cant even think straight.
  wtf is wrong with me.
please just ifnore my stupidity

[ToddB0130]

GLM .... it's your life and you're the one with this guy.  You know what's best for you and your son.  This started out as a request for help with finding a movie and got way off track,  with people commenting on the content of the movie and opinions about an individual that might want to view that movie.  You know what they say about opinions ...... like certain body parts,  everyone has one !!!   Take from this thread that there are people here who care about you and  are hoping you're in a good relationship that you deserve to be in.   People are wishing the best for you.   Forget about any 'judgements' you might have felt from some of the responses.  I think it's great that you have many facets to yourself and aren't afraid to explore them.  I'm sorry you don't feel you can 'be yourself' totally and that others are not as accepting of who you feel you *really* are.  I hope you keep trying to be yourself.   Best of luck to you with your boyfriend.

[gothiclovemonkey]

thank you
and thank u everyone...
im sorry. i dont know whats going on with my right now. i really wish this post would disappear...
i really think im losing my mind.

[MooseMom]

About this guy you are falling in love with...you ask a lot of good questions.  How will it be living with him?  Marrying him?  Having him be a part of your family?  These are important questions, and it is good that you are thinking about these things.  But you don't have to have an answer right now!  Take your time to decide these things.  You don't have to decide RIGHT NOW what role this man is going to play in your life.

One thing I will say, though...make sure he makes you happy and that he makes your son happy.  You can love someone who doesn't necessarily make your life happy and easy.  I sense that you've had enough drama in your life to last you centuries.  Don't let a third party create more friction, more angst, more fear and loathing.  Your happiness is of utmost importance, and it is worth waiting for.  When you ask your questions, you MUST answer yourself honestly.  You deserve the truth.  You deserve the honesty. 

Perhaps it is not true that you know what is best for you and your son...yet.  Sometimes you make decisions, not knowing if they are the best decisions until you see how things have panned out.  But there is plenty of time for you to become more comfortable with the entire notion of being emotionally intimate with a partner.  Intimacy is not easily found.  Sometimes you have to work at it.  For someone who feels like she must hide parts of herself in a closet, I sense that emotional intimacy may come harder for you.  There is nothing wrong with that, but it makes relationships a bit more difficult.  Give yourself time; be patient with yourself.

Sometimes writing/posting your thoughts helps to sort them out.  Just post what you feel you want to post.

[gothiclovemonkey]

Thankyou

and I want to thank you all for your imput, concern, and love that you show me. I really appreciate it, and its nice to know people care enough to put it out there. Thank you. I feel like you guys are all i have, and i love my IHD family , i wouldnt want to lose any one of you over something so.. unimportant.

[RichardMEL]

I'm sitting here having read the past page and a bit of posts and I have a number of concurrent thoughts wizzing around my head. While I do have my moderator hat handy it is off to the side, just behind my water bottle for now; my comments are my own.

As Todd wrote just recently (See I keep telling you you are the new me, Todd - we do seem to think alike in a number of ways) - this whole topic has veered way off course from where it started - which was a simple enough request for help. I can see both sides of this in terms that having wanting to help, some of us went and researched this film to try and locate it, and clearly many of us have been disttressed by the content of the film - at least as it is depicted in many internet sources (I have not watched any of it on youtube or whatever). I believe all the comments, including the cut and pasted details that Karen and others feel werent appropriate to include, were most likely shared out of a sense of caring and letting everyone involved in this what it was about. I am absolutely sure the follow-up comments that GLM took to heart in some ways were also only bourne from concern. It may not have been appropriate for us(me include) to venture some opinions, but I absolutely believe each and every one posting or reading here's heart is in the right place, and all concerns raised have "come from the right place" as it were. I also think GLM understands this too.

I have read a number of what I feel to be very good posts from a number of posters. I won't name them lest anyone feel left out or that I feel what they've written is not worthy somehow - I will say I think every single post in here has had things of value in it.

(moderator cap moves closer to head)
I feel this thread has gotten very personal and I understand GLM's stated desire a couple of times to close this thread. In general my understanding of the moderation policy at IHD is to NOT remove threads (unless they are spam or something like that). The simple reason being that anytime something is removed it can be considered censorship or that the moderators may be making some kind of moral judgement. That GLM, the original author has requested it be closed is another issue, and something for the admin team to dicuss privately as I don't recall this situation coming up before.
(moderator cap thrown into washing machine)

I want to move away from the direct topic of the movie and anyone's motivations for wanting to watch such a movie. I am starting to feel whatever comment one makes about that, even with the best of intentions, can be misconstrued or found offensive by someone else  and it's probably best to keep thoughts to ourselves on that one. I did want to say though that I admire GLM's very raw and personal posts in this thread - to be so open in many respects is not easy and in such a public forum (though I would perhaps suggest that she edit out her real name from her posts given the identifying and personal nature of the posts). I feel this thread has dredged up many issues that go way beyond that one movie from Germany and to all kinds of things that many of us here are neither well equipped to respond to properly or to handle. I am not saying any of this is wrong or inappropriate - just simply trying to state that I feel anyway that GLM is facing some very difficult and raw emotions at the moment and perhaps best taken to private discussions - both for her own well being and privacy.

On a more general level, I think this thread in some respects has illustrated again that people living with chronic conditions like ours are just like everyone else - we humans can be funny like that - as someone wrote behind closed doors and in our minds... we can all harbour any kinds of thoughts, feelings, desires etc. when you add in the added pressures and stresses of dealing with CKD, dialysis, all that entails, all that you have to deal with feeling sick, tired, etc it puts a whole other spin on what we're dealing with, on top of who we are as people, what we stand for, and how we react to those around us.

I think there is much food for thought here.

Thanks for reading my bite size contributions (sorry, I have a big mouth!)