introduction and possibly goodbye all at once

[dogbref]

Hi everyone,
My name i s Kev and I am from England. I came across this forum quite accidentally, after googling "how long does it take to die after stopping dialysis"? WOW! what a lucky find. I started reading the various posts that spanned over 2 years and realized that are are actually people out there that understand me and what my life is like.
Thanks guys and gals my short time here has been well worth the visit.
So that's hello, what about goodbye?
The fact is, I have decided to stop dialysis and treatment for diabetes and allow mother nature to do her worst.
I am fully aware it means I will shortly die, if you will pardon the pun, that's life.
My wife and I are using what time I have left to organize a family party so that I can say goodbye etc. She doesn't agree with my decision but is being extremely supportive, as are all my friends.
My care team at the hospital are doing everything they can to make my remaining time as comfortable and have promised to get me admitted as soon as it becomes necessary. Their help and support has always been invaluable and immensely appreciated.
I suppose the best way to describe what I am doing is simply to say, "If I was on a life support, all I would be doing is leaning over and switching it off myself" This way, no-one else has the worry of making that decision for me.
Just one request, please be happy for me.
Making this decision has not been easy,, but I genuinely believe for me it is the best option.
Regards to all
Kev 

[willowtreewren]

 

Kev, may your journey be smooth. 

Aleta

[boswife]

What an amazing gift you have left us in your telling, explaining of your wishes.  It fills me... And leaves me nearly speachless.  I feel a peace about you and for me, i praise God for that.  I wish the same in my life and that of *all* those i love.  May Gods light and love fill you and bless you along the way..  And............. if something in you changes, comeon back and share that as well 

[Cordelia]

      

[okarol]

I am glad you found us. How long have you been on dialysis? I respect your wishes, I just don't understand why, but it's not my business. Wish you weren't going so soon. Here's hoping you have some quality time as your celebrate your farewell.
 

okarol/admin

[MooseMom]

Thank you so much for sharing this extremely personal decision with us.  I hope you experience very little discomfort along the way and that your medical team will do everything possible to ease any pain.

I don't want to be intrusive, but I would be very grateful if you could tell us a bit more about what has led you to this decision.  There are undoubtedly other people who feel just as you do, and maybe if you could explain your thought process a bit more, it may help to guide others as they face the same struggle as you. 

Thank you.

[Darthvadar]

Kev...

Delighted you found us, and have taken the time and trouble to join us...

I don't know why you've made this decision, but it's yours to make, and I respect your courage in making it... May your passing be gentle...

Perhaps you'd pass on details of this site to your wife so that when you're no longer here, we can support her... We can promise to do that... We'll be here for her for as long as she needs us...

Thanks again for getting in touch, and may God bless and protect you...

Wishing you peace, joy, and happiness on your journey!...

Love and best wishes...

Darth....

An Old Irish Blessing

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

[looneytunes]

Hi Kev and thank you for sharing this with us.  There are many out here who I'm sure struggle with the same decisions you have.  Though I may not understand all your reasons for discontinuing D, I certainly respect your right to choose the course of your life.  My prayers will be with you. 

[Traveller1947]

Hello, Kev.  When I read your post I wept: for you, for your wife, for your family and friends and, yes, for myself too.   I'm a dialysis patient with multiple health problems and was also a caregiver.  About a year ago, I had to make the hideously painful decision to end life support for my beloved, who died a day later.  I urge you, as Darthvader has, to encourage your wife to join this forum.  She'll find comfort and support here, now and later.  Like looneytunes, I respect your right to make this choice, but I'm not able to be glad for you, Kev.  My prayers go with you on your journey.

[fearless]

to live truly, one must be fearless
to die on one's own terms, again: fearless

every kidney patient must be fearless, come what may.  Life or death, your courage to proceed in either direction is testament to your strength.  People who don't have kidney failure don't typically have to make a conscious and fearless decision to live in spite of the misery.  And they often don't have to make a fearless decision about death either.

We've each been given a sentence: to not escape the profound beauty and pain of life, no matter which direction we turn.

Love is with you come what may.

[rsudock]

maybe it was a sign when you found us accidently on the web!! We are here to help, love, and encourage!!!

xo,
R

[dogbref]

First of all I would like to say a big thankyou to everyone for their kind and supportive words. It honestly does help to know there are other like minded people out there.
Thought process? There's a tough one. If I have to try and explain, I suppose it is along these lines..........
I have always led a fairly active lifestyle (although my wife would argue to the contrary!) I was never really athletic, but was reasonably fit, could run for a bus etc etc. However, since my diabetes really started to kick in, causing at one point or another, liver problems, CKD, sight problems, a mild heart attack (according to the medics but I never noticed) and all the usual diabetic related problems.
These culminated in an infection in both my heels, the right one cleared up, but the left did not. Consequently the medics advised that if I did not have the lower part of my leg removed the infection would worsen, causing frequent hospitalization, pain and within 6 months death.
there are times that I do wonder if I made the right choice at the time.
There are personal private problems too, but I'm afraid they will have to stay just that, private.
It would be easy to say, that any one of my problems, on their own, would not be insurmountable. However when they all band together.......
Now that Ii have chosen this path, I feel a mixture of fear, excitement and a sense of relief. Someone asked me if I was at peace with myself. The honest answer is that for the first time I can remember, yes I am.
All the anger I have felt inside is no longer there.
I promise I will try and keep this up to date as often as possible, but my hands being what hey are this alone has been very painful (aren't spell checkers superb lol!)
In love and in light,
Kev

 



Edited: Fixed smiley error - okarol/admin

[monrein]

This is not an easy decision but then so many things in life are not easy, chronic illness being one of them. I can understand your decision, totally respect it, and it is one that I've contemplated hypothetically having to make at some  (hopefully distant) point in the future. 
I wish you peace and no pain and want to thank you for sharing your thoughts with us on this forum.
 

[Marsh]

 

[billybags]

Mu thoughts are with you and your family ,God bless you.

[fearless]

I have just written and re-written several intended posts.  I really don't know what to say, but it just doesn't seem right that you would be gone from this world when you are so obviously such a compassionate person.  It is so unfair and now I'm angry again at disease.  I don't know if it's fair for me to say this, but: having felt the peace of your decision, why not stick around and let that peace resonate for a while?  Just to feel it til it's gone?  I'm sorry because I know it's not my place, but I have to say what I feel, and I just don't want another good person gone.
I respect your decision, but please don't be in a hurry dear one.

[Ginzo]

Good Luck to you, you sound like one of the bravest souls I have encountered.

[galvo]

Bloody hell, Kev! I admire your courage and wish you well.

[RichardMEL]

Kev, thank you for coming here (and glad you found us via your search) and sharing some of your story and your decision process. Like Galvo, I admire your strength to make the choice, and I also adnmire your wife and family/friends for putting their own feelings aside and doing the right thing in supporting you in your decision.

My own mother was similar to you in that she always said to us kids "I do NOT want to be hooked up to a machine to live - that is not life - if it comes to that switch it off!" and we were well aware of this. Now she never had kidney disease (thank god) but in the end suffered from a combination of a DVT induced pulmanary embolism and then pneumonia. I happened to be visiting her when she told the doctors her decision to stop treatment and, as you say, let nature take its course. I could see how calm she was with the choice. She was rational. She knew what it meant, and she had planned for this situation and was ready.

Like you, we organised a little party for her in the hospital - and everyone was so supportive. The staff even allowed me to bring my kitty in to spend time with her (she loved my cat so much it was like the grandchild she never had) and we shared G&T's and special times. I'll always remember the relaxed, content smile she had at that time knowing she was done. She didn't need to achieve anything else. She didn't want to fight further and all the choices she had were poor - so she went with dignity.

This very much helped me deal with the situation knowing how important it was for her and that she was so very happy with her choice. That made it easier for me to handle it and support her.

So all that aside - I sort of understand from that perspective where you are coming from and my hat is off to you.

My best wishes for as much time as you have left that it is special time making the most of time with your family and hopefully fit in some thingss YOU want to do.

Thank you for sharing with us.

[chook]

Kev, wishing you strength and courage 

[Darthvadar]

Hi Kev...

I've been thinking of you... Can't get you out of my mind today....

Wondering how're you're doing???...

Love and best wishes....

Darth...

[lmunchkin]

    to you,Kev! May God be with you and give you peace!

lmunchkin

[jbeany]

Thank you, Kev, for posting this.  I think dignity is a rare commodity when hospitals start dealing with those who are chronically ill.  It's good to see someone stand up and demand it.  It takes an extraordinary amount of courage to say "No.  I'm choosing this option even if no one else thinks it's the right one.  I know it's the right one for me."

Best of luck to you on going the way you want to go.   

jbeany, Moderator

[willowtreewren]

Kev, a 

for you and for your family.

[Brightsky69]

Wow Kev - your very brave just to have the strength to make a decision like you have.