Intimacy issues...please help me!

[contemplatingthought]

My fiance is on Hemodialysis. Her sex-drive is all but nonexistent. I love her with all my heart, and refuse to let this affect our relationship. I read, in another post in this section, about several couples in the same situation. Those couples with a female dialysis patient who say the BF doesn't mind the decrease in sex, can you please tell me if he does anything to help him cope with this?

Please don't think I'm being selfish. M has told me that when she tells me no, it's not because she doesn't want ME. It's that she doesn't want sex at all. She has told me, and my research has confirmed, that when the kidneys are removed, the adrenal glands are removed also(along with the libido most of the time, apparently, also). I understand the circumstances completely.

My only question is what do guys whose GF's are on dialysis do? We all have urges. I'm just trying to find an outlet for them without upsetting M.

Please help!

[cattlekid]

Hello! 

I am a wife who is on dialysis.  I can confirm that sex is the absoulte last thing on my mind.  Not only is the urge just not there, until I started home hemodialysis three weeks ago, I had no energy after dialysis treatments to do nothing but drag myself home and go to sleep. 

As far as my husband, he has been accepting of this to varying degrees.  He gets frustrated and like your fiance, I tell him that it is not him - it's me.  He accepts that to some degree but I know it is frustrating to him and I feel bad that I am not always able to be there for him.

How does he cope?  Here's where its going to get a little graphic:  I have made my peace with the fact that he WILL watch porn and he WILL masturbate.  I am not upset or threatened by it.  There are also times where I may help him out in this endeavor.  I'm perfectly happy to help him get what he needs without getting any for myself, so to speak.  It keeps him happy and we feel connected in that way. 

I hope this helps a little bit. 

[Rerun]

Probably one reason that I'm divorced.  I'm the female on dialysis and I don't want sex and am very happy single. 

             

[monrein]

I never lost my drive while on D (I was 26 when I first went on the machine) once I was stabilized and was no longer feeling really sick all the time.  In fact I preferred hemo since I didn't want PD tubes in my stomach and wanted to be free of all that unless actually dialysing.   I'm much older now, on my second transplant and still never lost my libido.  Everyone, even healthy people, can vary a lot with regard to sexual preferences and desire and ESRD is just a huge complicating factor in the whole thing.  What's crucial though IMO is that the lines of communication stay open, that you talk about what you want, about how much you want her although you understand that her desire is lowered dramatically by kidney disease and that you create intimacy (separate from sexual release) through cuddling and mutually comforting stuff.  In these circumstances you can then reasonably hope that she will understand your healthy needs and be happy to participate with you emotionally and playfully even though she may not need the physical release herself.  As cattlekid, so eloquently said, keeping a partner happy sexually leads to greater connection and that's always a good thing.

[Cordelia]

Hi ComtemplatingThought,

I'm female, a wife and a Mom of 3 young kids and I'm on dialysis for going on almost a year and a half. 

Going into renal failure killed my sex drive and has been a problem for me to have those urges while on Dialysis. 

I confess/admit: My husband and I don't have intercourse often ....I could count the number of times on one hand we've had intercourse since the summer of 2010.

There's other forms of intimacy that we do: like holding hands and I pleasure him with my hand because I just don't have the urges for intercourse for going all the way so to speak.  Yes, he misses it and he craves it but I satisfy him with my hand to release his pent up sexual frustration.   I find one really needs to be creative so to speak to find other ways/forms of being intimate. It can be done, use some creativity and some imagination and it can help!     

Sometimes just a body massage can provide relaxation and intimacy too!

[ToddB0130]

Some great advice already on this thread.  Talk to M about the issues and how each of you feel about your expectations and desires for intimacy.  The two of you will set the 'ground rules' so to speak and together you will overcome this obstacle and find a best resolution to satisfy both of you.  You obviously care deeply about her and I'm sure she's grateful for both your support and your patience.

[contemplatingthought]

WOW! I LOVE THIS PLACE!

Less than a day since I posted, and I feel like I already have the answer to the first 'big' issue in my dialysis journey with M. I will have a talk with her in the morning about the issue. My only fear is that she'll be upset with me for airing this issue in a 'public' place, as I don't believe she is a member here. My heart tells me that she won't be. I feel selfish for even worrying about our sex life. She(and all kidney patients)faces so many challenges every day, and I'm worried about myself.

Thank you to all of you for your help!

[contemplatingthought]

Hello! 

I am a wife who is on dialysis.  I can confirm that sex is the absoulte last thing on my mind.  Not only is the urge just not there, until I started home hemodialysis three weeks ago, I had no energy after dialysis treatments to do nothing but drag myself home and go to sleep. 

As far as my husband, he has been accepting of this to varying degrees.  He gets frustrated and like your fiance, I tell him that it is not him - it's me.  He accepts that to some degree but I know it is frustrating to him and I feel bad that I am not always able to be there for him.

How does he cope?  Here's where its going to get a little graphic:  I have made my peace with the fact that he WILL watch porn and he WILL masturbate.  I am not upset or threatened by it.  There are also times where I may help him out in this endeavor.  I'm perfectly happy to help him get what he needs without getting any for myself, so to speak.  It keeps him happy and we feel connected in that way. 

I hope this helps a little bit.

A 'little bit' is a small exaggeration! It has confirmed my suspicions. I had this thought in my mind already, and just needed a bit of encouragement in discussing it with her. I feel like watching porn, or masturbating period, is cheating. However, if it's sanctioned by, and assisted by, her, then it's a different story.

Thank you so much for your help!

[contemplatingthought]

Hi ComtemplatingThought,

I'm female, a wife and a Mom of 3 young kids and I'm on dialysis for going on almost a year and a half. 

Going into renal failure killed my sex drive and has been a problem for me to have those urges while on Dialysis. 

I confess/admit: My husband and I don't have intercourse often ....I could count the number of times on one hand we've had intercourse since the summer of 2010.

There's other forms of intimacy that we do: like holding hands and I pleasure him with my hand because I just don't have the urges for intercourse for going all the way so to speak.  Yes, he misses it and he craves it but I satisfy him with my hand to release his pent up sexual frustration.   I find one really needs to be creative so to speak to find other ways/forms of being intimate. It can be done, use some creativity and some imagination and it can help!     

Sometimes just a body massage can provide relaxation and intimacy too!

Cordelia, Thank you so much for your help. I'm going to have a talk with M in the morning about this. She is an amazing lady, and I'm certain that she will be very receptive to 'my' new ideas!

[Cordelia]

Hi ComtemplatingThought,

I'm female, a wife and a Mom of 3 young kids and I'm on dialysis for going on almost a year and a half. 

Going into renal failure killed my sex drive and has been a problem for me to have those urges while on Dialysis. 

I confess/admit: My husband and I don't have intercourse often ....I could count the number of times on one hand we've had intercourse since the summer of 2010.

There's other forms of intimacy that we do: like holding hands and I pleasure him with my hand because I just don't have the urges for intercourse for going all the way so to speak.  Yes, he misses it and he craves it but I satisfy him with my hand to release his pent up sexual frustration.   I find one really needs to be creative so to speak to find other ways/forms of being intimate. It can be done, use some creativity and some imagination and it can help!     

Sometimes just a body massage can provide relaxation and intimacy too!

Cordelia, Thank you so much for your help. I'm going to have a talk with M in the morning about this. She is an amazing lady, and I'm certain that she will be very receptive to 'my' new ideas!

Hi there,
You're very welcome, sometimes toys can help too and add a little fun to help get in the mood too           Just talk to her, keep the communication lines open too-it can make a huge difference       

[fearless]

Everything that everybody has said here is, I believe, first priority.  I just want to contribute this too:  the better her care can be maximized, as far as maintaining good dialysis and diet, so that maybe blood pressure meds are minimal, and anemia is under control - I find that these things affect the actual physical ability to enjoy sex.  Beyond that, one needs to feel attractive, and sometimes that's a problem on dialysis too.  You can address that 
but she and her doctors will have to be the ones to get a handle on the other stuff.
I wish you both all the best and lots of joy

[kellyt]

Hello.

I was never on dialysis, but I did lose my drive before transplant (still not 100% back), but the only advice I have is to take it slow, as it might just take her longer to get going, so to speak.  I guess foreplay is the only word that fits here.     Good Luck.  I know it's frustrating.  I am fortunate my husband understood and still understands.   

[contemplatingthought]

I chickened out. She had treatment this morning, so we 'didn't have time' for a talk. When she got home, she had a headache. I conveniently used these as excuses to put off the talk. I don't want her to be upset with me. I just feel so selfish. Should I?

[cattlekid]

You shouldn't feel selfish.  You are a normal human being with all of the feelings, emotions and urges that go along with being human.  These don't magically shut off because your partner is having health issues. 

However, I do applaud you for not trying to have "the talk" after she got home from her treatment.  I know when I was in-center, the last thing I wanted to do after a treatment is talk to anyone about anything, much less something as emotionally laden as this.

But if she had treatment today, then tomorrow should be treatment-free, yes?  And I know in our house, Sunday mornings are good "couple times".  No place to go and nowhere to be.

I chickened out. She had treatment this morning, so we 'didn't have time' for a talk. When she got home, she had a headache. I conveniently used these as excuses to put off the talk. I don't want her to be upset with me. I just feel so selfish. Should I?

[Whamo]

Yes, that's good advice, the last thing I want to do when I come home after four hours on the machine is have a long emotional talk with the wife. 

[Willis]

I'll probably get crucified for saying this, but what is it about "I don't FEEL like it"? Unless one is physically ill, handicapped, or just otherwise incapable of sexual relations with a spouse, what does FEELING LIKE IT have to do with anything? Geez, I'm on PD and I rarely FEEL like going to work or taking out the trash or running errands but I do them because they are necessary not because I FEEL LIKE IT. Do people ignore the cries of their baby or fail to clean the toilets because they don't FEEL LIKE IT?

Anyone who is married needs to meet the reasonable sexual needs of their spouse..male or female. It should have a higher priority than a pristine kitchen or changing the cat box. If they don't FEEL like meeting the sexual needs of their partner they shouldn't be married.

BTW, if it matters, I've been married 40 years to the same woman.

 

[Poppylicious]

Anyone who is married needs to meet the reasonable sexual needs of their spouse..male or female. It should have a higher priority than a pristine kitchen or changing the cat box. If they don't FEEL like meeting the sexual needs of their partner they shouldn't be married.

I may be wrong (I know not everybody agrees on these issues) but if you're getting jiggy with it simply to appease your partner, doesn't that take away the joy?  Doesn't it become just another chore that needs doing before the end of the day, something to just tick off the list of 'things to do'?  That isn't healthy - or much fun - for either partner.  What matters more is that a couple (married or otherwise) feel comfortable enough with each other that they can discuss their sexual relationship and recognise it for what it is (good or bad) and make compromises or adjustments or introduce new ideas (which they both agree to) to keep things healthy and happy (for them, as a couple.)

I would hate to think that Blokey was just going through the motions because he feels obligated to and wears a wedding ring.  As it happens, he doesn't often 'feel' like it, but as I have a fairly low sex-drive anyway, it isn't something which bugs me.  Now that he's had a transplant he 'feels' like it more, but other things are getting in the way (Murphy's Law).  I'm happy with cuddles and laughter and warmth and the closeness of talking together if there isn't anything else on offer.

And, I'm very thankful for fingers.

contemplatingthought, I hope that you and your gf are able to come to some sort of agreement which keeps you both happy. 

[Cordelia]

Contemplating, You are a sensitve, caring, kind of guy.....  You have a lot of patience               

[MooseMom]

Does having CKD/ESRD and being on dialysis qualify as being "physically ill" enough to be unable to fill the sexual needs of a spouse?

Discuss.

[Willis]

Does having CKD/ESRD and being on dialysis qualify as being "physically ill" enough to be unable to fill the sexual needs of a spouse?

Discuss.

I think it depends. If a person on dialysis is UNABLE to engage in sexual relations then that's one thing. But if that person can manage to spend the day shopping or cleaning the house or whatever, then it's just a matter of priorities. I think that people often look at sex with their spouse as one of those optional things like saving money that drop to the bottom of the priority list while other things that are more "fun" make the top of the list. And unfortunately I don't think this applies only to people with ESRD or on dialysis.

 

[MooseMom]

I guess my spouse can choose between sex OR having a meal prepared, having clean panties and a row of clean work shirts because I don't have the energy for all of them.  I guess he can choose between which appetite he wants sated.

Then again, he can cook his own meals and clean his own clothes, right!?

[Willis]

Then again, he can cook his own meals and clean his own clothes, right!?

That's correct!

The one thing he CAN'T do is be sexually intimate with the one he loves without your cooperation.

 

[cattlekid]

Oh have I tried to impress this upon my husband.  Even before ESRD came into the picture.  For me, it's hard to "get jiggy with it" after a full day of work, then a full evening of cooking and chores because DH can't be bothered.  He gets to come home from work, shower, eat and crash and that's it.  I keep telling him (in a nice, non-accusatory way) that it would be a lot easier to feel like a spouse in the bedroom if I didn't spend the rest of the day feeling like a maid or his mom.   

I guess my spouse can choose between sex OR having a meal prepared, having clean panties and a row of clean work shirts because I don't have the energy for all of them.  I guess he can choose between which appetite he wants sated.

Then again, he can cook his own meals and clean his own clothes, right!?

[fearless]

cattlekid:  well said

[justme15]

I am pre- dialysis and my sex drive is very, very low. i deal with this by forcing myself to do it. i psych myself up and mentally 'prepare' myself to do it that evening. I know this sounds crazy, but this is what I have to do in order for it to happen.  otherwise I will give in to fatigue or find other reasons not to do it. 
I feel that  maintaining some type of sex life is important. it allows us to connect, so I try very hard to make myself want it. and usually, once we get started I get more into it.
my husband is very patient with me. he never complains about it, or nags me about it, but I know he wants to cuz he's a normal guy! so the least I can do is address his needs once or twice a week!