Thinking of Giving Up

[Iwannabean]

Ok, I am in a really down mood, I work full time 6:30am - 3:30pm, go to dialysis from 4:00pm - 8:00pm.  My job requires me to work a 40 hour work week, working part time is an impossibility as I am in Civil Service.  My boss has no sypathy at all for me, in fact he is making my life more miserable.  I have been employed for 27 years, I can retire now at a lesser retirement or stay another 5 years to make maximum retirement.  I love my job, I work with kids and have been working with them for the past 13 years.  My dilemna is that I am tired, very tired and worn out.  I am in the final phases of being tested for a transplant.  My brother has agreed to be a live donor, but he cant be tested until I am done. I know if I get a new Bean that my life will fall back into place and everything will be ok.  But there are many factors, will my brother be a match, can I hang in there long enough to get a transplant.  I feel as if I had the backing of my superiors, I could do it.  Today is the third day in a row that I did'nt want to go to work (even though I did drag myself there).  I told my wife that when I go for two weeks straight of saying "I dont want to go to work today" I know its ready to retire.

I know if I retire, I will regret it in the long run. I cant afford to retire, I feel like I will be letting my wife and kids down not being able to support them as I have.  I am not suicidal, or want to give up on life. I want to be there for my family. But I just don't know if I can take it anymore.  I have scheduled a meeting with my Boss, but he is heartless and does'nt care about idividuals problems.  I have been given many accolades and have been recognized nationally for the job that I do.  My job performance is spotless, but I am probably feeling about as low as I ever have.  I'm just plain tired.  Has anybody else been in this situation?  What did you do?  Any advice would be appreciated.

Iwannabean

[jeannea]

Wow. That sounds really hard. IMO, if you retire, you are NOT letting your family down. You are doing the best you can with your health. Personally, I went on disability. I'm exhausted all the time and don't know how some of you manage to work. I think you need to be kind to yourself. Yes talk to your boss. But then take all the info you have and make the best decision you can for you. 

[Rerun]

Retire.  You will feel so much better and if you retire from Civil Service... you can get your retirement money AND go get a part time job.

If you were to die before retirement your wife would get your life insurance but ONLY what you contributed not the matching.

Do it now.  Lock your security of your family in.

       

[boswife]

oh goodness, i agree with Rerun all the way.  It's YOUR life too, and i wish peace be with you.  Retirement isnt as bad as some put it out to be.  You can still be a productive person, and hopfully for a bit longer if ya can catch some rest!!  Dont feel bad,  geesh, you didnt ask for this disease and you can spend more quality *time* with your family.  Bless ya, and hope to hear soon that your enjoying retirement while you still can 

[willowtreewren]

I'm not familiar with your job, but is there an HR department? If so, go to them first.

I understand about loving your job. Sometimes our jobs really define us.

Is there a possibility of finding something part-time in the same field? If there is, then I think retiring and going part-time would be a great solution.

 

Aleta

[noahvale]

^

[MooseMom]

I'm glad to see you posting again, noahvale!

There are a lot of good suggestions here, Bean.  Each has merits.  But I think maybe you should redefine "being there for my family" means.  It means so much more than supporting them financially.  It means really BEING THERE, as in "being alive", so you need to first do what is best for your health.  More dialysis will mean better health, and if you could possibly do as noahvale suggests, you may be able to have it all, ie, feel better, keep the job you love and stay healthy so that you have more quality time with your family.

How long do you think it will be before you will know that your brother is a "yes" for transplant? 

Which regrets do you think you will feel if you should retire?  Can you explain this a bit more?

[okarol]

The transplant process can take a while, so dealing with your immediate problem of being exhausted is important. Do you know your lab results? Are you anemic?
I agree about exploring your options, so you're getting the best possible dialysis for now.
Do you have to retire? Couldn't you take a medical leave of absence?
Best of luck to you. And {{{HUGS}}} too! 

[Jean]

As usual, I think Okarol nailed it. Take your leave of absence, or go out on disability. You will have a whole year of drawing disability and then you can decide what you want to do. When you are rested or tx, you will probably want to go back to work.

[Arcticat2000]

I would look into nocturnal, it worked for me.

[lmunchkin]

DO NOT GIVE UP! Go out on company disability (if offered) and start training for NxStage.  Discuss with your family about some support with it.  I am not the one on dialysis, but spouse is.  I go to work everyday and D. him in the evening when I get off.  At first, it was overwhelming, but as time went on and we settled down, it is so much more easier.

Husband finally did give up work Jan. this year, he gets bored sometimes, but he is enjoying his life the best he can now!  But my point is, you can still work, but I wouldnt!  I would do like Okaro and Jean, go out on Medical leave, and allow yourself time to rest and think of your options.  Meantime, sign up for NxStage if possible.  It takes commitment, but is better than the alternative!

Please, do not leave your family to "miss" you.  It must be hard, but please do not give up!

Will be thinking of you and let us know what we can do!
lmunchkin
 

[bleija]

I used to have a bos that was like that, i ended up quiting because he just wouldnt work with me and i ddnt want to get fired. I am lucky, now i have an amazing boss, ive never had a prob getting time off for doc visits and such. Whn my PD cath messed up, and I had to switch to hemo, she told me do what i need to do to make myself healthy, as i can be. I will always have a job there, just let her know when im ready to come back. shes always been willing to work with me... plus she watches out for me, i started a new BP med once and she called me back to her office, she told me she ddnt like my color, she asked if i was feeling ok, honestly i was lightheaded and a little bit dizzy, but told her i was fine. she told me to finish the tables i had and my sidework and go home. it was the middle of lunch rush too. im a server.

now i applied for disability in july just waiting to hear back from it, and i understand the not being able to support family financially, having 0 income for the last 3 months has been hard. Watching my husband pick up overtime and work several 16 hour shifts a week is equally hard. if ur boss is being that awful, talk to HR ans see about taking a medical leave of absense u should qualify for it.

[rsudock]

what about telling your boss you are going to sue his ass for not accmodating your disability(Americans with disabilities Act)...my gawd what has happened in America when we stop giving a shit about people and just worry about money and the bottom line?? This is what is so frustrating trying to be sick and deal with working...you don't want to quit b/c of insurance and/or your pay, but your boss is almost forcing you to b/c he can't be accmodating to your situation...this burns me up. Then this same boss probably bitches about people on Medicaid, but yet he obviously doesn't believe in helping those who suffer...and it's not even about him helping you but offering a different job option    in my own situation I ended up resigning....if I was rich I would of hired a lawyer and fought my employeer....after transplant I went back to work and I am still working on the letter I am going to send to my former employees. All the drafts make me sound like a crazy loon!

good luck!
Let us know what you decide!

xo,
R

[billybags]

do all the above and retire. You must admit that you can not cope with a full time job. You will be doing your self a favour as well as your family. I know it will be hard, it always is when you enjoy your work but you will have to retire at some time, do it now,, stop fretting about letting your family down, you wont be. They must see that you are exhausted doing all these hours.Sort your boss out, go for it. There is more to life than killing your self working. When your transplant happens and you feel able to work again, go part time or just enjoy your retirement and your family.

[kristina]

Hello, Iwannabean,

I agree with billybags and I do hope
everything works out for you in the near future.

Best wishes from Kristina. 

[tbarrett2533]

First this is just my 


I was in a similar situation, only difference I was not at my job all them years, but I had worked and worked what felt like an eternity...... I worked since the age of 14...... 2 jobs 120 hours some weeks....... (around the clock I worked) I worked up to 4 jobs at one point...... I loved it too, then I got "sick" with this crap and I got worn out and I just could not take it..... just as you described and I contiuned to push myslef like you are doing right now for about 7 months until I was so sick and TIRED that I thought dealth was better off than living......

so I suggest to you....... you sit down and you really think..... what is more important (being even more tired and worn out and unhappy just so you can go to work, or concentrating on your health fully right now (b/c this is what I did)......

I quit my jobs..... (and I loved them, I really did..... ) but I love being home more and my full-time job right now is STAYING ALIVE!!!!


and once you get your 'bean'  you can always go find something part-time.......  it sounds to me like you already know what you want to do, you just need someone to push you in the right direction 

 
good luck and keep us posted

[RichardMEL]

You mention Civil Service - I don't know what yours is like, but ours seems pretty supportive of those with medical situations. I know my job, which is pseudo public service(ie: govt) is the kind where it actually would be pretty hard to get fired as long as you could show you were working as much as you could and have legitimite reasons for missing some part of work. Of course I have(had) very supportive managers over the years which really helped.

I do agree with talking to HR and see what your rights are. Many employment agreements can have some real gems in them that may relate to your situation, or could be used. It seems a shame for them to throw 27 years of your experience and dedication potentially away due to a lack of support. Seems to me even if you could maybe cut an hour or two out a day, or get a day off during the week, or just a few hours less on D days or something would be a major benefit for all concerned. There must be SOME way to be more flexible. I mean I know we have a requirement down here that employers have to make a "reasonable effort" to accomidate such situations-which includes stuff like people with kids needing to get them to/from school, medical stuff, carers duties, whatever. This is all under our Equal Opportunity legislation - the idea being that you should not be disadvantaged from your employment due to something like this that is beyond your control and you shouldn't be discriminated against(eg: by the boss) because of it. Now I realise that is down here in Oz, and your situation may well be different, but my understanding of most public service organisations out there are that they sort of do more to adhere to those kinds of requirements than general private companies.

Please don't give up. You're so close to that transplant that it's crazy to throw it in - specially after enduring this for 5 years already. don't let the disease win ok?! I *know* it is hard, and easy for me to sit here and write this because I'm not in your shoes, but I totally think you can't let the dieasee, or the boss win.

Best wishes!

[Whamo]

You need to find some good legal advice from an Ombudsman.  Your employer should accommodate your needs.  Make your requests in writing, and CC them to an attorney you know.  Usually bosses get scared when an attorney writes them a letter or calls them on the phone.  That would be your best approach.  Don't give up unless you physically can't stand it.  Try using CoQ10 for extra energy.  I get mine cheap from Swansonvitamins.com.  I wish you the best. 

[lmunchkin]

How is it going Iwannabean?  Please let us know of your decision.  We are concerned for you and want to help in anyway!

lmunchkin
 

[amanda100wilson]

Just a thought - you mention that you have received naional accolade for your work.  Could your boss's poor attitude stem from jealousy that he is not the man that you are and is just taking the opportunity to try and grind you down with his indifferent attitude towards your situation ? 

Definately look into how the Americans with Disability Act can help you get some respite for this situaion and make things easier for you.  Otherwise, I agree with others, get your priorities into perpective and retire