Miffed

[Cordelia]

Today I went out for lunch right after dialysis with my Mom and my Aunt (whom I haven't seen for 2 years) 

Anyways, I stuck pretty good to my diet and what I ordered to eat.

However, my Mom, who very much knows of what I should be eating and not eating, ordered....and ate pumpkin pie for desert. My aunt had coconut creme pie which I really could care less about, but it really burned me that my mother of all !@#$ people ate something right in front of me and knows very well I shouldn't be eating it, knowing, I LOVE pumpkin pie. I had nothing for desert. I don't normally eat deserts on a regular basis in the first place, and I was quite upset she did that in front of me.

I really struggle with this. I know you can't control what others eat around you but really, this one took the cake.     My own mother of all people.   

I cheated last weekend only because it was our Canadian Thanksgiving weekend and I knew there would be everyone around me having a slice of pie. But, it's back to reality once the holidays are over, and really, I didn't overdo it, I had an extremely small slice then just to satisfy the craving at Thanksgiving.

It's one thing if someone doesn't 'know' your diet limitations but when they know and purposely go out of their way to eat it in front of you, that's very hard and I struggle with that. I should clarify, esp if it's something that I really, really, REALLY like and shouldn't be having. Some things, no, don't bother me at all if they are eaten or drank in front of me.

Now Pizza I really struggle with, even worse, here's a little story about that...... I have a brother in law and his family two weeks ago come into my house and brought a pizza and sat there and ate it all in front of me knowing I shouldn't be having it. He's a pre-diabetic himself. Anyways, I had none since it was right before my labs       Took incredible will power as it was so freakin' tempting to devulge when they offered. 

I am dreading Christmas coming, it's my most fav holiday and I guess I'd just better get used to it and suck it up cause I'm sure it'll happen again   

Anyways, that's my rant of the day         

[MooseMom]

I am ALWAYS the first one to excuse or to explain away someone else's poor behaviour.  I always give the other person the benefit of the doubt.  "Oh, they don't know any better."  "Oh, they don't really mean to be rude."  "Oh, they probably had a really bad day."  "Oh, you never know what they might be going through in the privacy of their own life."

BUT, I'm sorry, there is no excuse for this knowingly eating taboo foods in front of a CKD/ESRD patient until and unless there has been a conversation and a mutual understanding about it.

And that's my bottom line.

If that makes me childish and immature, then that's too damn bad.  I'm not going to apologize for being irritated by this complete lack of thoughfulness.  You know how love is never having to say you're sorry?  Nope.  Love is not eating pumpkin pie in front of Cordelia when you know it is her fave.

Now Cordelia, I'm sure you have all kinds of coping mechanisms in place that work for you, but I have found two things that have pretty much solved the whole diet problem for me.  First, I've made myself read all kinds of clinical studies that examine what exactly happens to your body when you have too much, say, serum phosphorus.  I mean, I REALLY read it, and the idea of boney bits growing in my eyeballs because my phos is too high just makes me queasy.  I now find it very easy to avoid bad foods.

It's true that portion control really is the key.  My husband loves pizza, and I can't bear to see him deprived of it.  So I will either have just one slice (and when I picture boney eyeballs, one slice is really enough), or I will special order a pizza with no meat, very minimal cheese and very minimal tomato sauce.  I'll have it loaded with onions and peppers and make sure it is thin crust, and I'm perfectly happy with that. 

I hate pumpkin pie!   My husband adores it...he's welcome to it.

[thegrammalady]

my first year on dialysis the dietitian came by with a list of what we shouldn't eat at thanksgiving. of course the list included everything that most people have for their dinner.  she made me feel that i just shouldn't bother going to my family dinner. i was a good girl and didn't shred the paper in front of her. my doctor came by a little later and just laughed. he said i could eat anything i wanted for thanksgiving. everyone of us is different, some of us can drink milk, some of us can't. your mother may be aware that you shouldn't eat pumpkin pie, but i'm fairly sure she doesn't realize that it botherrs you to watch others eat what you feel you can't have. i'm sure she's just not that mean. the diet isn't "you can never eat that" it's "only eat a small amount and not very often"  i do understand how you feel though.

[Trikkechickk]

I say "live and let live".  I don't really care what friends eat in front of me.  The only person I rag on is my Nephrologist when he's got a Pepsi in his office.

[MooseMom]

I say "live and let live".  I don't really care what friends eat in front of me.  The only person I rag on is my Nephrologist when he's got a Pepsi in his office.

Well you see, that's my point.  Your friends probably don't know all that much about your dietary restrictions, so they get a pass.  But your nephrologist DOES know better, hence your ragging.

[Subeat]

My dietician preaches everything in moderation.  So, when I am with people that are eating things that I am supposed to "moderate" I find it is the perfect time to mooch a little taste of the not-quite-forbidden.  So far I have been satisfied with this, though the holidays may be a bigger challenge than I've faced so far.  I really only bake between October and December, and some of my specialties are loaded with pumpkin or chocolate.  The kids have already requested the pumpkin cream cheese muffins.  While I'm perfectly cool watching others eat what I can't, I'm not sure I'm noble enough to prepare it for them too! 

[MooseMom]

  While I'm perfectly cool watching others eat what I can't, I'm not sure I'm noble enough to prepare it for them too!

If you ARE noble enough to prepare these things, then you should get a prize!!!  I'm not sure I could justify spending my already limited energy in cooking and baking things I couldn't even eat.

[ESRD Survivor]

I don't forbid myself really any foods.  Portion control is key.  I love pizza and have a slice once or twice a month and take an extra binder to cover the cheese.  I did have a small relapse on potassium, I was having frys with my burger and chips for a snack and chocolate milk.  Well my potassium went to 5.2, so I stopped and it went back to 4.2.  Now I have an occasional two or three frys and a small taste of chips.

[sullidog]

I eat anything I want with portion control.

[MooseMom]

I eat anything I want with portion control.

Me, too. That's the key.  But I avoid bean soups altogether because I'd swim in the stuff if I could.  I used to make a killer lentil soup, but I haven't made it in 7 years because it really IS killer lentil soup!

[paris]

I lost my appetite years ago and it didn't come back after the transplant.  So little bites of things work good for me.   I don't care if others eat in front of me.  I love to cook and will make anything anyone wants to eat.   I know it is really hard for some and I hate that for them.  Mothers should have some consideration.  I probably would have two bites of the pie and love every tiny bit of it.  I adore pumpkin pie!!   Next time, just take your fork and eat the first bite of the pie --- that is the best bite of pie anyway!  How would your Mother react to you eating her pie?  lol

Start planning for Christmas.  Maybe make a list for her of the things that you can eat.   I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

[Cordelia]

Thank you, eveeryone.        I really like to read how others cope/deal with this situation. It makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone doing this. I really thank you all for your input/advice and your thoughts         

I try to think of the short-term, how it will affect my labs. And, I see what you are saying about the long-term damage too, MM.  I don't want to go on more pills so I really try hard. Been doing this renal diet for over a year now......I may have to do this diet for another 4-5 years, feels like it will be an eternity.   

But, I am thankful to be alive and I know I have to do it to be healthy. I'm trying so hard. I just wish it were easier     

Paris, I'm laughing here what you said about my Mom's pie!!!!             

[billybags]

Cordelia, a little bit of what you fancy will not harm you. If you have small portions now and a gain it will do you good. Look forward to Christmas and have a little of every thing, why begrudge your self. We dialysis to live not to live for dialysis.

[Brightsky69]

I don't remember being bothered by anyone eatting in front of me things I couldn't have. My BF is a fast food junkie and that type of food doesn't appeal to me anyway. His mom was a dream when it came to family gatherings...she always made sure to have foods I could eat. Even now after the transplant she always asks about what can I eat now and doesn't include salt in cooking she knows I'll be eatting. That's actually good for her also since she is diabetic.

[Henry P Snicklesnorter]

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[Trikkechickk]

Henry, I totally agree w/you.  No way would I want others on egg shells.  In fact, I don't even mention my "condition" (most people don't even know).

[MooseMom]

No, I don't think you quite understand.  It's not about wanting or requiring other people to deny themselves just because of your condition.  It is about the conversation, the acknowledgement by those who say they love you that you have restrictions and they don't, and how do you feel about that? 

Let me approach this another way.  If you KNEW that your wife or your mother or your best friend could no longer eat something or do something...maybe one of them has developed a hearing problem or a visual difficulty...would you, KNOWING ABOUT THEIR DIFFICULTY...suggest an outting to the symphony or to the movies?  It's about empathy.  It's about trying to make another person comfortable.  It's not about wanting to deny anyone anything.

Let me be clear...if I am with people who don't know about my condition, then I don't really care what they eat.  It means nothing to me.  But I have higher expectations of people who claim to care about me.  All human interaction is give and take; it's an intuitive dance.  It goes something like this, "I know you are not supposed to eat bananas, but would you mind if I had one?"  "Oh, of course not, but that's very kind of you to ask.  Thank you."  I don't see anything wrong with this.

So, if you don't expect others to acknowledge your "limitations", does that mean you yourself go through life not acknowledging anyone else's?  I would have thought that since you have a "condition", then it makes you more open to the possibility that others might have some sort of "condition", too, and that you might ask if this or that is OK.

As for the circle of friends who are sharing eats together, I would have thought that since they are close friends, they'd all have had this discussion of who could or could not eat what, laughed about the universal frailty of the human body, giggled about the indignities of it all, and then tucked into whichever meal they wanted.  The point is that because they all cared about each other, they'd have discussed it and would have come to a mutual agreement.

Trikkechikk, if someone doesn't know about your condition, then it would be unfair to expect them to understand your diet.  That's just a given, and that's not what I am talking about here. 

Really, is there no one on here who ever thinks about what burdens their friends or family members might be struggling with?  It's not just about me, me, me.  It's about being sensitive to others BECAUSE you yourself have a devastating disease.  That's great that you expect no one to make allowances for you; more power to you.  But I'm curious.  Does this mean that you wouldn't make allowances for anyone else?  I would happily deny myself something if I knew it would make someone else feel cared for and more comfortable, especially if I knew they were struggling with an issue. 

[Cordelia]

I very much understand where you're coming from, MM.     

[MooseMom]

I very much understand where you're coming from, MM.     

I understand where YOU'RE coming from!  I had all of those feelings you described when I first started this diet.  All I can say is that I am hoping that you will find it easier as time goes on.  I know I have.  I am now happy to buy things for my husband to eat that I can't have.  However, I will not cook stuff that I can't eat because frankly I don't have the energy to cook two different meals, one renally friendly for me and one renally toxic for my husband.  If he wants potatoes and chocolate pizza, he'll have to make it himself. 

But I have to laugh...I mentioned this thread to my husband and asked him if he was in my shoes, how would he want ME to respond to his dietary restrictions.  He told me he'd want me to eat chocolate and describe to him how it tasted and how much I was enjoying it so that he could enjoy it vicariously.   That sounds like torture to me, but that's what he said he'd want.  Which underscores my point...it might not be a bad idea to have these sorts of conversations in the first place so that no one gets their feelings hurt or no one accidentally makes someone feel bad.

[Cordelia]

MM, I hope I will too. I really do. I value all your insight here. It helps me to try and think outside the box.

I am giggling here on your comment about 'enjoying it vicariously'        

I've had a few other situations that cropped up this week since this whole fiasco........I went to a meeting the other night where there was cheese and crackers and donuts. Rather than depriving myself entirely (I was thinking of Billybags advice, which I thank you for your advice on just having a little bit)    I had one very, very small little donut. Oh, and my mom made peanut butter, chocolate chip oatmeal cookies and sent a bunch home today. I had half of a cookie. I seriously watched my portions and tried to make absolutely sure to have the partial cookie with my binders   

[MooseMom]

Cordelia, a couple of years ago, I got myself into such a tiswas about the diet that I went to the renal dietician to give me clearer information.  She laughed at me and told me that I was being a bit too hard on myself, and she recommended that I lighten up and allow myself to have small portions of what I liked.  Upon hearing that, ie, upon getting "permission", I suddenly realized that there wasn't really anything that I was desperate to eat, so my angst sorta disappeared.

As we have seen, everyone reacts differently to the diet.  For a long time, it wasn't so much the diet, rather, it was what it symbolized that haunted me.  It symbolized my loss of previously enjoyed good health.  It symbolized crossing that line from health into chronic illness.  Having my loved ones eating taboo foods in front of me without even asking me about it symbolized, for me, a lack of understanding of the dangerous nature of CKD/ESRD.  And THAT symbolized the largely invisible face of this illness.  If I had had cancer and had lost my hair due to chemotherapy, I'd wager that people would be falling all over themselves to support me, and quite rightly so.  But the invisibility of this symbolizes the loneliness and isolation that many people feel when they are chronically ill.

It is no surprise that many people like us really struggle with the diet.  Ask any renal dietician, and I'm sure they will tell you how many more of their patients struggle with the restrictions than do not.  Food is socially and culturally important.  People eat when they mourn, they eat when they celebrate, so for many people, food is symbolically important in many ways, and for some, restricting food means restricting social interaction.  But I do believe that most people in our situation do find some equilibrium, some accomodation.  In other words, we just get used to it. 

ESRD is traumatic, and there are few areas of our lives that remain untouched and untainted by ESRD.  I am envious of those who manage with such aplomb.  For the longest time, I was not one of those people, but I'm getting better, and you will, too!  Be patient and kind to yourself.

[Henry P Snicklesnorter]

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[MooseMom]

HPS, thanks so much for your perspective.  Gotta say that you are the first person I have heard describe esrd as a minor inconvenience!  Maybe one day I will feel the same. Thanks again for your post.

[Cordelia]

HPS, I liked reading your perspective too, thank you for sharing it with us!              

[The Noob]

i know this isn't quite in line with the rest of the posts, but i wanted to add here that you can take a few rutabagas, peel and boil down, just like pumpkin, add some honey and a little powdered milk and cinnamon, and whip it up like a pumpkin pie. much lower in potass/phosp, and you have some cool whip on it.