coworkers : insensitive

[mcclane]

In our city, there is 2 universities (one of them used to be a college, but was granted university status).  I'll call the newly granted university status one university A and the one i'm working at university B.

I used to work for university A when I was diagnosed with kidney failure.  The people I worked with at A were very sympathetic, and was quite supportive.  It has been a while since I worked there, but they always ask my wife (who still works at A) how i am doing.  I really miss working with those people, they were good people.  I never really told anyone there about my medical condition, but my wife has.

Now for B.  I like the job, the pay is decent, I told my boss my medical situation (even though I wasn't obligated to, I told her anyways).  As we all know, being on dialysis and a kidney failure patient, there is numerous doctor's appointments, blood work, and god knows what else with the hospital.

My boss has been very understanding and has no issues with me taking whatever time i need to go to the appointments.  She also has a good idea of just what I have to go thru, and was surprised that despite the dialysis treatments, I still show up to work almost everyday.  I just have to mark the time I take for appointments on the timesheet.  No big deal.

Now onto some of my co workers.  One of them in particular is a loud mouthed insensitive person.  This has happened in the past with her, as soon as she notices a person taking an 'abnormal' amount of time for doctor's appointments, she becomes cynical and downright sarcastic.

Yesterday, I had to go to the hospital for an ultrasound (they wanted to check my fistula).  When I started to head out the door, she started making fake coughing/vomiting sounds/motion.  She said something like "I wish I could go home too."  She thinks that I'm just faking my appointments so i can get some time off work without having to claim vacation.  While I do know that people do this, I am not one of them.  When I take a doctor's appointment, I actually go to the doctor's.

Mind you, people who know me know that I am an easy going kind of guy.  I don't take offence to many things, it takes alot to offend me.  However, the actions of this person really offended me.  I'm not the type of person that tells everyone what my medical condition is.  So I'm not about to tell this coworker as it is really none of her business (my boss has to know, she has to know why i am taking so much doctor's appointments).

However, she should really get her facts straight before making cynical remarks.  Being on dialysis, we all know it is not fun being hooked up to a machine for hours.  Nor is it any fun to poke yourself with huge horse needles.  Nor is it any fun to go to the doctor's either.  But it is something we all do so we can live.  The last thing we really need is someone making cynical/sarcastic remarks about our medical condition.

[YLGuy]

I would ask her where she got her medical degree from because it is just amazing how she diagnoses people by just looking at them.  Is she says that she does not have a medical degree then I would ask her to please refrain from doing so.

[mcclane]

I was thinking of inviting her to my dialysis sessions.  That would shut her up quickly.

[MooseMom]

I know what I would do.  I would embarrass the hell out of her.  The next time she made some snotty remark, I would make sure that all of my other colleagues was in listening range, and I would tell her exactly why I was going to the doctor, and I would tell her the grimmest possible stories about dialysis and kidney failure.

Of course, that would mean you'd be forsaking all privacy about your health, but I personally don't feel that kidney problems are a source of shame.  I don't give a 4X who knows because I have learned that just about everyone struggles with some personal hell.  I have no qualms about telling people about my crappy kidneys, and if someone was giving me a hard time, I'd show that kidney card I was dealt and would make sure that this snotty colleague was very firmly put in her place.  I'd make sure she was socially ostracized, being the big ugly bully that she is.

Social humiliation works wonders.

[monrein]

I actually would take the very highest road possible....that one way up there along the mountain ridge..and explain to her, quietly, not publicly, all about kidney failure and D.  A nice pamphlet might be handy here and I'd be sure to show her my fistula....don't let any protests by her put you off the mission of talking all about the huge needles, the blood, the clots, the gore.  I'd want to see those vomiting, coughing noises actualize themselves and you could of course offer to change your situation for hers.

Ah, people!

[CebuShan]

   Here's my    

I would first try it monrein's way quietly but VERY graphically!

If that didn't shut her up permanently, then I would resort to MM.  Make sure you keep it very graphic. That is sure to quell anybody else's thoughts about why you leave. If you can wear an IHD button or t-shirt o work, even better!
Good luck with your *@%#$ (female dog  ) coworker!

[MooseMom]

I hate seeing anyone publically humiliated, I really do.  I truly believe that most people just don't understand and do silly things out of ignorance. 

Ninety-nine point nine percent of the time, I would use monrein's tactics because that is the kind thing to do.  I believe that with most people, the "high road" works.  I believe in educating people and giving them the chance to redeem themselves.  They can't know what you are going through unless you tell them.  Sometimes we just have to be the teachers.

But every once in a while, you come across someone who is just not going to listen because they don't want to learn anything.  What they want is to bully you and humiliate you.  If you think this person who you've already described as "insensitive" is going to be receptive to a lesson about dialysis and renal failure, then you get on that high road and hope that she trudges along with you.  But you have said that this is a pattern of behaviour from her, that she does this fake vomit/cough routine to anyone who leaves for a medical reason, and that makes me suspect that she is not going to learn much from you on that high road.

You make the call.  You know her better than we do.  I'll be fascinated to find out how you decide to handle it because your neph appts aren't suddenly going to come to an end.  This is not the last you'll be hearing from her.

Another idea...do you think it is worth talking to your boss about this?  Is your boss also HER boss?  Perhaps if you can't drag this colleague onto the high road, you can make a detour to the bosslady, especially since this colleague is bullying everyone, not just you.

[monrein]

I like the idea of her re-education taking place in front of a boss.

[sullidog]

I haven't ran into this problem yet. I'd show her your fistula but then she'd probably say you do drugs or something smart like that. I'd aproach management about this if handling this one on one with her doesn't work. I'd also say you won't be talking like that if you were in my shoes.

[lmunchkin]

McClane, when my husband worked, his boses and co-workers all knew.  They were very supportive, and really went out of their way to accomodate him.  He misses that place alot and sometimes on occasions they stop by and visit with him.  Super people!

Its some co-workers where I work.  But they don't railroad me or talk to my face about leaving early to take hubby for appts.  Lots of times, I will ask my boss if I can just leave early to get some rest. There are 3 bosses at my place of employment and they all knew my husband before ESRD, and they have the highest respect for him. 

I have been working for them since 1999 and they have stuck with me and allowed me my time to do what's necessary. I have had to have 3 leave of absences with them and not once have any of them made me feel guilty about what I have to do for my husband.

Now they are concerned that I may persue a job in the field of Dialysis, but I set them straight on that.  It's just this one girl they hired while I was on leave.  She is a trouble maker and says things behind not just my back, but others as well.  She has said hurtful things to the newer employee's faces and trys to boss them, but she will not do it to me.

She is a good worker when she is there.  I give her credit for that, but her mouth is what ruins it. And I do believe it will get her in trouble too.  She doesnt bother me at all, I will put her in her place.  Others come to me and tell me what she is saying, and I tell them to just ignore her and let it wash off their back.  My husbands illness is not a secret where Im employed.  Some know and understand it and some know and dont get it at all.  Doesnt bother me one bit!  As long as they don't create a problem for my husband's care, then I don't care what they say or think!

Just use your own judgement, McClane.  As long as your boss is ok with it, and it sounds like that is the case, I wouldnt waste my time worring about the idiot that doing these things.  An Immature Spoiled Brat, IMO!

lmunchkin

 

[Gandalf]

McClane, that co-worker truly sounds like a most ignorant person - anyone who has even had a glimpse of organ failure would NOT react in such a manner towards someone trying to maintain the vestige of a normal working life and dealing with D on top of it.  I have had some funny reactions in my workplace too - most colleagues are incredibly supportive - but one, on seeing my recently inserted permcath last year said something like "OMG that looks SO disgusting, can't you cover it more!"
I reacted really badly, but I guess, if I had the situation over, I would write a letter - simply because trying to verbally communicate the pain and irritation and fear that goes with D and all the rest is quite difficult - perhaps this would work in your situation - it would also require some type of response from that co-worker, and I do think you deserve some type of decent response.  Best wishes in this rather horrible situation.

[rsudock]

Have the doctor give you a work excuse slip "Yes McClane was seen on my office on (date) at such and such time" when you come back to work I would gently lay it on her desk and when she says "what's this?"  I would say "Well you don't believe I am actually taking care of my health and going to the doc so I wanted you to have proof! For your peace of mind pal! "

And I do believe in calling people out!!! You have the balls to embarrass me in front of coworkers...be prepared to get it back!!

xo,
R

[MooseMom]

The truth is that there are people in this world who are just plain mean.

[RichardMEL]

I like many of the responses to this vexing issue.

Recently I did a equal opportunity course at my work (that everyone had to do) and I found it very interesting. Granted the laws and rules in my part of the woods are different to others, I am pretty sure that similar issues are common to most western societies.

Basically what I'm saying is that Miss Ignorant is actually harassing and borderline discriminating against you with her sarcastic comments. Now you've suggested that everyone knows the sort of person she is, and probably take her "coughs" etc with a grain of salt - as you say everyone who *knows* you know that you're not pulling "sickies"(as we would say) to go home and party or something.

They key here I think is that you have the support and understanding of your boss. This is VERY important I think, and a Godsend for you.

I like monrein's suggestion the most - give it a chance to act privately and explain to this induhividial how you feel her comments are inappropriate and misdirected and here's why..... however it sounds like this person is the sort to go on the defensive and attack you back, so I would modify the plan just a little bit and bring your boss in to the loop. I'm going to assume that your boss is also her boss, but even if not there will be a chain of command so to speak. Also bringing your boss in seves several functions:

1. You're informing your direct manager that you find the comments inappropriate/offensive/hurtful (this kind of thing is not acceptable in the workplace)
2. You want to take appropriate action to stop it.

I am sure your boss is aware already of what this other person is like, but it is very helpful to have them know. That way if things go a bit pear shaped you will probably have their backing - at the very least that you came to them and informed them of your feelings. Then, for example, if you went and tried to educate her "on the QT" and it backfired with her becoming worse/agreessive/etc the boss would know you tried to find a solution without resorting to more formal methods - which it may come to at some point.

In the training I did this was the first step of action that an employee could take. eg: informal resolution (talk to them), formal resolution(go through a complaint process involving managers, HR etc) and last bringing in an external body to sort it out (down here that would be the office of equal opportunity employment).

Sorry this is all getting a bit heavy. I don't mean to.

While the idea of embarassing her in public with sordid dialysis detail does appeal on some levels, I wouldn't go that route. I would speak to your boss and explain how it makes you feel. Perhaps ask her advice - should you talk to them privately and try and "nip it in the bud" or does she feel a word from her would do the trick better before doing anything more formal? It's always a difficult decision to make because there can be all kinds of consequences depending on how seriously and how far you want to take it. Reading between the lines it seems you'd just like this person to get a clue and shut up, but perhaps she does need a lesson in tact and appropriate behaviour.

I wish you luck in how this unfolds. People can be volatile as well as ignorant, but I do think something needs to be done for your own workplace happiness. With dialysis, KD etc the last thing you need is extra stress brought on by morons - and while sometimes I might suggest to ignore it I think it would be best to try and do something.

My last thought is that karma will probably catch up with someone like this at some stage......

[mcclane]

Reading all your responses, I think the best course of action is having a private discussion with this person.  While I don't expect too much sympathy, it will at least let her know what kind of medical issues that dialysis patients go thru.

I am lucky that my ex boss at university A was very supportive towards me, and my current boss at University B is also the same way.  She has indicated on numerous occasions that if I do need some time off, to just take it (I assume I can take it as sick days, not vacation days).  However, I'm not that type of person.  I have to be a death's door before I'll take a sick day 

My boss understands that being on dialysis is not fun, while she may not know 100% what i go thru (that is understandable, unless you live thru it or live with someone who is going thru it, you won't know fully) she does support me and is very flexible when I have to take a day off or take some off for medical appointments.  I even showed her my buttonholes, so she knows. 

One thing that I still have issues with is discussing my medical issues with anyone.  I can joke about it with my nurses and we all get a good laugh from it, but outside of that, I don't know what the inhibition is.  Embarrassment ?  I don't know. 

[tyefly]

I often feel the same way....   I dont like to let many people know that I was on dialysis....  its not that I was embarrassed its that I feel like its a sign of weakness.... like I am not strong, healthy, and full of life.... I dont want people to feel sorry for me or think that I am on my death bed.....  I know when I came home from getting a transplant..... I was wearing a mask  and some of the people in my neighborhood saw that... the gave me a good look.....  I have now told one neighbor that I got a transplant and they were shocked ... they didnt even know that I was on dialysis for two years....  they knew that I received delivers but they thought I was doing a home business.....  Looks like I told the right neighbore  cause now all the neighbors wave when I drive by.... we have a neighborhood where everyone knows everyone....you know   4th of July parties, summer parties...lots of kids....  socializing.. that kind of stuff.... However I am the oldest in the hood and I dont have kids....LOL.... anyway.... most people I know dont know....  but now that I have had a transplant.....its like I want to tell someone...at the doggy park where I go ... I have told a few people...yea they were shocked but it felt good to tell.... some people understand while others dont have a clue what dialysis is or a transplant.....  LOL   

let us know how it goes with your co worker.... I am sure that there are many more people who will deal with this problem... and your soln may be others soln.... thx....

[MooseMom]

A lot of us post on IHD about how no one understands what we go through, how no one gives a rat's patootie, etc, but it seems to me that if we hide our illness, there is NO chance that anyone will understand.  I don't feel embarrassment, so I'll tell just about anyone, and when I do, invariably they regale me with tales of their own medical woes or of those of some friend or family member.  It has made me realize that most of us have some medical issue we're grappling with, and mine is no more weird or shameful than anyone else's.

I intend to make sure that when I am on dialysis, it will be the kind of dialysis that will make me strong, healthy and full of life.  That's why I'm not going into a clinic three times a week for crappy dialysis.

I don't care if people feel sorry for me or not.  Frankly, I don't think anyone really thinks about me that much; they have their own lives to lead and their own problems to cope with.  I have too much on my plate to let myself spend any emotional energy on worrying what other people are thinking about my renal function.

So mcclane, you have your private conversation with this person and see how she responds, but you MUST PROMISE to come back and tell us how she took the news and whether or not you think your explanation will do any good.  You don't have any obligation to tell her anything.  What interests me is the fact that you care at all about what this person thinks.  If your boss is OK with your situation, why do you think that the opinions of this co-worker is important to you, important enought to make you overcome your usual reticence to keep your medical situation private?

[lmunchkin]

One thing is for sure, McClane, once you call her out in front of everyone, I can almost guarantee it will not happen again from her or anyone else!  Sometimes, you just have to stick up for yourself and not let people treat you in such away.

The playing games and teasing, like you are faking or that your getting special treatment.  Like earlier post said, you would gladly trade places with her! You are a nice person, just because you put someone in their place, does not mean you are a bad individual.

I would definately say something to her!

lmunchkin

 

[MooseMom]

If you DO call her out in front of everybody, everybody benefits.  You are not the only person she abuses in this way, so you would be doing a service for anyone and everyone who might have a chronic illness and need to visit their doctors from time to time.  This person is a bully who enjoys publically embarrassing others, and all too often those types of people respond only to the same type of embarrassment.

[paris]

My son has had a similar situation at work, except he is the boss. The main desk lady has had cancer and didn't realize it had returned until she broke a rib just walking.  Her situation was not good, but she didn't want anyone to know the cancer was worse than the first time. She had to take lots of time off for chemo, etc.  My son knew and was very worried. He could not tell the rest of the staff because he had given his word. She didn't want anyone to know.  All the other employees started making comments, "teachers pet"  "why can't I take that much time off" -- no one knew she was sick, so the others were getting pretty ticked off.    I guess my point is that she would have been in a better situation with more support if she had shared at least part of what she was dealing with.  Once everyone knew, they all wanted to cover her hours for her.     There are many really good answers here.  Let us know what you decide to do.     You co-worker is a very rude person. 

[Dannyboy]

My Two cents:
Start with trying to talk privately sounds best to me BUT:  Have a nice 8 x 10 photo of you hooked up to show her.


If the private approach doesn't yield good results, escalate of course.


---Dam

[lmunchkin]

What an excellent idea, Dannyboy!

MM & Paris, I really think this is a MAN thing.  NO PUN INTENDED GUY'S, But their mannerisms are so different from ours. Women are such social creatures that can converse with anything and anyone!  Men, are just so macho, protecters of what ever concerns them.  My J. is the same way.  Its not from embarrassement, it is from the inabilities to do what they have always done.  When men get sick, they don't look to others for assistance, they look to their unit (home).  In J's case, he does feel like a failure sometimes, he isnt, but nothing I can do will change the way he feels.  It is a natural response to an awful situation.

Men have to really get to know someone before talking about their situations or illness or whatever.  But women will tell all about everything before getting to know a person.  That is our nature. And sometimes to our demise if I may say!  Men are more consuming and women are more nurturing!

Also, if this is a woman doing MacClane this way, then he is probably more hesitant to approach a women than a man.  But women will approach a man or a woman!  Sometimes we roar the loudest!

lmunchkin

 

P.S. That don't mean all men or women are like what Ive described, but the majority are as Ive described!!!

[paris]

Imunchkin ,  I am the odd man (woman) out on this.  I don't tell anyone anything!  I had a breast lump removed and didn't tell my husband until the day before surgery - trying to spare him the worry! When I had a huge tumor, the doctor wanted to know if I wanted my husband to see the xray so he could see how large it was.   No, he will just worry too much.    It is hard to share my feelings and I guess that is more like a man.  (it is my worst fault!)    And my husband will tell way toooooo much to complete strangers!!    

Mcclane,  I don't understand mean people.  Do they think they are funny, smart or just like to put others down?   Let us know how things go.

[lmunchkin]

Of course, cause there are exceptions to the rule.  But I tend to tell my feelings to anyone and everyone.  When I was younger and dated, I would just talk, talk, and talk.  Till I just drove my dates "nuts", but as Ive gotten older, I have toned it down some what!  Especially after marrying my husband.  He has always answered to people who tell him, "you are so quite", he just answers, "she does enough talking for the both of us".  Its not a bad thing to do, but it can bite you in the butt down the road!

And I do know some men who are "sensitive".  So yea, there are exceptions to the rule!

lmunch

 

[jazzin11]

There are many suggestions here and I like all of them.  Where I work, there are three hundred of us and we all know each other. We work in teams, and closely together, pulling our own and each others weight. We had two of us on dialysis, and it was well known (by our own choices).  I told my coworkers not to feel sorry for me, as I wanted to do my share, and they were very understanding. I found help whenever I needed it, and felt their respect too.  Their support during my recent transplant has been fantastic, and I look forward to returning to work.  We're pulling for our other coworker to receive a transplant too!  I hope my workplace isn't an anomaly in this! Am I that fortunate? I wish this for all of us.

John (jazzintoo)