Trying to face my fear

[needlephobic]

You know, needlephobic, I went back and read some of your very first posts here on IHD, and you may not realize it, but you've already made some real progress.  I'm awfully impressed.

MM How have I made real progress since I started posting here? I feel Like I have not.

[MooseMom]

Not too long ago, you were talking about giving up and dying alone.  Everyone was a jerk and no one was helping you; no one cared, according to you.  And here you are telling us about how you are being taken step by step, day by day, to a mindset where the fear will not be so crippling.

You have a really difficult task ahead.  Having to master a phobia that is, for you, simply life-threatening is not a simple thing to do.  But you are doing it.  It won't happen overnight, but instead of constantly posting about why this won't work or that can't work, you are now actually allowing someone to help you.  You used to summarily dismiss everyone as a waste of space.  But now you have recognized that there is this one person who just might be able to help, and you are ALLOWING that person to help.  So yes, I do see a lot of progress.  Maybe you don't see it, but I sure do.

[okarol]

 

[needlephobic]

Not too long ago, you were talking about giving up and dying alone.  Everyone was a jerk and no one was helping you; no one cared, according to you.  And here you are telling us about how you are being taken step by step, day by day, to a mindset where the fear will not be so crippling.

You have a really difficult task ahead.  Having to master a phobia that is, for you, simply life-threatening is not a simple thing to do.  But you are doing it.  It won't happen overnight, but instead of constantly posting about why this won't work or that can't work, you are now actually allowing someone to help you.  You used to summarily dismiss everyone as a waste of space.  But now you have recognized that there is this one person who just might be able to help, and you are ALLOWING that person to help.  So yes, I do see a lot of progress.  Maybe you don't see it, but I sure do.

Everything people suggested I have tried I was not blowing them off. As I look at it now if what I am trying to do now doesn't work then I am done I tried everything so lets hope this works. So far it seams to work after I was settled down and was helped by the D.O.N to get me focused and my mind off the D needle in which I found out was the biggest needle they had (((shivers)))

[MooseMom]

I know you weren't blowing anyone off.  But the D.O.N. can't eradicate your fear without your help, without your active participation.  You don't give yourself enough credit.

[lmunchkin]

Moosemom is right, Needlephobic.  Ive read your posts also, and although you may not realize it, you really have come along way! You need to give yourself the credit, seriously!  I really do understand the phobia!  I had and still do somewhat a real fear of water!  Iam petrified of it.  I can at least wade in it and as long as I am standing, I can put my head under but immediately pop it back up!  I believe thats why I have always preferred showers to baths.

Your fear is much more serious because of the "living" factor.  Its not going to happen overnight, but continue to let the D.O.N. work with you.  You can do this, I just know that you can.  Hang in there and don't give up.  You have helped alot of people on here to understand the realities of Phobia's. I don't care if people think you are faking, I know that your not, and others here know that too!

You are in our thoughts and we are here for you,

lmunchkin

 

[YouDontKnowCecil]

needlephobic, you coming along pretty well! I am happy to see your progress. Honestly, I think you have come a long way as well! As a child I was terribly phobic of needles. Took many nurses/orderlies to pin me down just to draw my blood. Gradually I became less fearful. Then dialysis happened. For years I couldn't look at them putting in the needles; I would freeze up just looking at the needle in the package. Then one day I decided I was tired of people stabbing me the wrong way, and forcefully told myself to watch the needle go in. After that I was able to direct the tech (usually) when something was amiss. Recently I decided that I had to get over another fear: handling the large needles by myself. I asked to be trained for self-cannulation, and the clinic approved. Let me tell you, the very first time I had to do it myself (after sometime training, of course), I was feeling like when I was a child all over again. Extremely nervous, I was sweating profusely, just staring at my arm with the needle in my other hand. Finally, I worked the will to push myself to do it. No looking back. It was baby steps all the way for me to get where I am with needles now.

I feel fortunate to have been able to move in my lifetime from needle phobia to self-cannulating myself. Those damn needles are scary things, you aren't alone in thinking that. I hope you are able to conquer your fear, and I wish you all the best.

[needlephobic]

Moosemom is right, Needlephobic.  Ive read your posts also, and although you may not realize it, you really have come along way! You need to give yourself the credit, seriously!  I really do understand the phobia!  I had and still do somewhat a real fear of water!  Iam petrified of it.  I can at least wade in it and as long as I am standing, I can put my head under but immediately pop it back up!  I believe thats why I have always preferred showers to baths.

Your fear is much more serious because of the "living" factor.  Its not going to happen overnight, but continue to let the D.O.N. work with you.  You can do this, I just know that you can.  Hang in there and don't give up.  You have helped alot of people on here to understand the realities of Phobia's. I don't care if people think you are faking, I know that your not, and others here know that too!

You are in our thoughts and we are here for you,

lmunchkin

I don't feel like I come a long way with this phobia. I take 2 steps forward and 6 steps back. The prob is they will help me one day and won't the next day. I don't think the staff takes me serious and that I am faking it. Which is untrue. The staff needs to help me every time I go in for D but they don't. They complain alot when my chest cath acts up but will not help me overcome my fear. There are times I just want to give up cause I feel it is hopeless. Then there are times I want to beat this disease but this fear holds me back. With this phobia there is a trust problem. It is hard for me to trust anybody in the medical Field do to when I was traumatized as a young boy. When you got a Neph like mine and all he does is come in and set there and look at you and the questions you ask he don't answers or laughs in your face you kinda don't want to trust him or anybody who takes care of you. Example about a week ago they told me there was a order for a IV drip they don't know who ordered it and what it was for but was still going to give it to me. Anybody with a right mind would have asked whoever in charge about it or call the Nephs to confirm but no just going to give it to me anyway and I am supposed to trust these people think not.       



Edited: Fixed quote tag error - okarol/admin

[CebuShan]

I too have read your posts & I agree that you have come a long way. You have taken the most difficult step: the first one. Don't give up now, keep standing up for yourself!  There's a song that I heard the other day that reminded me of you. I don't remember the name or exactly what it said but it was about getting knocked down but not being moved. That's you. You have been knocked down over & over but you are still holding your ground.
I wish I was there to give you a real hug & tell you how proud I am of you but for now, this will have to do:      

[RichardMEL]

np - I am so glad to read this thread. I know you feel you have not made progress, but the most important thing for me to read is that you are STILL giving it a go, receiving help, and giving it your best shot. That's all you or anyone else should expect from you.

I can't begin to imagine how difficult it is for you. I do not have a fear like that. Yeah, I hate needles, and I looked away and thought about girls or some other nice distraction when it was being done, but that's miles from your fear. I'm not even going to pretend to offer some kind of advice or suggestions at this point because I'm hardly qualified, and clearly you're trying everything - with the support of professionals. This is so important I think.

Again I think it is so good that you are trying as hard as you can and have the right (hopefully) sort of help for you. Keep plugging away. I really hope you can get there and be able to get the sort of treatment you nreed.

I know for sure so many people on this site support you and want the best - just read the responses in this and other threads. Hopefully that can help you even alittle bit as you struggle against this fear.

[MooseMom]

needlephobic, I know this may sound counterintuitive, but the fact that you have so little trust in your clinic staff is EXACTLY why you need to continue down this path of freeing yourself of this phobia.  You have two things working against you...the phobia and the distrust.  They feed each other, so you need to try to unravel them and conquer them separately.

There IS someone who is helping you, and that is the D.O.N.  It must be extremely frustrating to have help one session but not the next.  You are right; you need this assistance at EACH session.  I would suggest having a quiet word with the D.O.N. and telling him/her how much you appreciate the help and how you feel like you are really making progress when s/he is working with you.  Ask if it is possible that s/he can be there each time you dialyze.

I suspect that most people at your clinic understand that you have a phobia, but they may not understand how to deal with it or how to really wrap their heads around it.  Let's face it; people who are not on dialysis may have all the sympathy in the world and may understand that it is not an ideal way to live, but despite their best intentions, they do not truly understand.  We shouldn't really expect them to.  A lot of people don't pay a great deal of attention to things they can't fundamentally fathom, so I am thinking that this is what is happening at your clinic.  I don't think they suspect that you are faking anything.  It's just that they truly do not deeply understand either the genesis of your phobia or the tenacity of it.  They don't know what to do about it, so they probably just try to underplay it.  It doesn't really matter what they think.  It doesn't matter if they think you are faking it or if they think it's for real...the end result is that they don't know what to do about it, anyway, so their opinion is irrelevant.

Obviously someone believes you, though, since you have the D.O.N. working with you.  All you need is that one person.

There are many, many patients who do not have your phobia but still have the trust issues that you do.  I'd imagine that most people who post here on IHD don't completely trust everyone who provides them their care, whether it be the neph or the clinic staff.  I'd imagine that most people who are chronically ill and therefore spend a lot of time with medical people do not trust them all 100% of the time.  So trust issues are legion!  All the more reason to take control of your own care whenever possible, and a good start is to continue to work to beat this phobia.

Be patient with yourself, give yourself credit where credit is due, and admit to yourself that you are showing a tremendous amount of personal courage.

[CebuShan]

needlephobic, I know this may sound counterintuitive, but the fact that you have so little trust in your clinic staff is EXACTLY why you need to continue down this path of freeing yourself of this phobia.  You have two things working against you...the phobia and the distrust.  They feed each other, so you need to try to unravel them and conquer them separately.

There IS someone who is helping you, and that is the D.O.N.  It must be extremely frustrating to have help one session but not the next.  You are right; you need this assistance at EACH session.  I would suggest having a quiet word with the D.O.N. and telling him/her how much you appreciate the help and how you feel like you are really making progress when s/he is working with you.  Ask if it is possible that s/he can be there each time you dialyze.

I suspect that most people at your clinic understand that you have a phobia, but they may not understand how to deal with it or how to really wrap their heads around it.  Let's face it; people who are not on dialysis may have all the sympathy in the world and may understand that it is not an ideal way to live, but despite their best intentions, they do not truly understand.  We shouldn't really expect them to.  A lot of people don't pay a great deal of attention to things they can't fundamentally fathom, so I am thinking that this is what is happening at your clinic.  I don't think they suspect that you are faking anything.  It's just that they truly do not deeply understand either the genesis of your phobia or the tenacity of it.  They don't know what to do about it, so they probably just try to underplay it.  It doesn't really matter what they think.  It doesn't matter if they think you are faking it or if they think it's for real...the end result is that they don't know what to do about it, anyway, so their opinion is irrelevant.

Obviously someone believes you, though, since you have the D.O.N. working with you.  All you need is that one person.

There are many, many patients who do not have your phobia but still have the trust issues that you do.  I'd imagine that most people who post here on IHD don't completely trust everyone who provides them their care, whether it be the neph or the clinic staff.  I'd imagine that most people who are chronically ill and therefore spend a lot of time with medical people do not trust them all 100% of the time.  So trust issues are legion!  All the more reason to take control of your own care whenever possible, and a good start is to continue to work to beat this phobia.

Be patient with yourself, give yourself credit where credit is due, and admit to yourself that you are showing a tremendous amount of personal courage.

     Amen!  MM you are truly a gem!

[lmunchkin]

Well said, MM.  Check with D O N & see if they can't come to every session.  They could make all the difference in the world! Hang in there Needlephobic.  We'll support you along the way, ok?

lmunchkin 

 

[needlephobic]

I understand what your saying MM just wish the staff at the center understood my phobia. If only they could live in my shoes for a week or so.It just feels like they are blowing me off. If they want to stick me bad enough then help me thats all I ask.

[MooseMom]

I understand what your saying MM just wish the staff at the center understood my phobia. If only they could live in my shoes for a week or so.It just feels like they are blowing me off. If they want to stick me bad enough then help me thats all I ask.

They are not going to understand your phobia.  They are not going to live in your shoes for a week.  Please don't add the extra burden of pie-in-the-sky wishes to your already beleaguered shoulders.

I would like for you to clarify something for me, though. When you say that the staff don't understand, do you really mean that they don't CARE?  I confess that I don't understand your phobia.  I understand that you HAVE a phobia, but because I don't have one, I can't be honest and tell you that I understand how you feel.  But that doesn't mean that I don't CARE.

Now, it is possible that your staff really DOESN'T care.  If that's the case, and they repeatedly refuse to help you, then that's real cause for concern.  Who arranged to have the D.O.N. help you?  Apparently at least one person cares enough to arrange for the D.O.N. to be there with you.  Can you tell us a bit more about how often the D.O.N. will be with you?  It seems that this is one possible avenue that can give you some real hope and results.

[needlephobic]

I understand what your saying MM just wish the staff at the center understood my phobia. If only they could live in my shoes for a week or so.It just feels like they are blowing me off. If they want to stick me bad enough then help me thats all I ask.

They are not going to understand your phobia.  They are not going to live in your shoes for a week.  Please don't add the extra burden of pie-in-the-sky wishes to your already beleaguered shoulders.

I would like for you to clarify something for me, though. When you say that the staff don't understand, do you really mean that they don't CARE?  I confess that I don't understand your phobia.  I understand that you HAVE a phobia, but because I don't have one, I can't be honest and tell you that I understand how you feel.  But that doesn't mean that I don't CARE.

Now, it is possible that your staff really DOESN'T care.  If that's the case, and they repeatedly refuse to help you, then that's real cause for concern.  Who arranged to have the D.O.N. help you?  Apparently at least one person cares enough to arrange for the D.O.N. to be there with you.  Can you tell us a bit more about how often the D.O.N. will be with you?  It seems that this is one possible avenue that can give you some real hope and results.

OK when I first started D I informed the Neph and the staff of my phobia. all I got in responce was ok when it is time to stick you you won't be a problem. About a month and a half I came in for treatment and the set my chair up wrong they had two D needles setting there and I froze and the next thing I know they were circling me about 6 staff trying to get me to the chair. They almost got hit by me cause I got in the mode of fight or flight. After that social worker started working with me but she retired early like 2 months early. She told me they care the Powers that be about the money that the people they are caring for. Then had a tech working with me to get over my fear and she up and quit after about a week of trying to work with me. Had another tech that tried to help me after a couple of weeks of him not being in my section  asked him if he was still going to help me.He told me The powers that be (Nephs) told him not to have anything to do with me. A week later he told me they asked him to resign there was no real reason for him to resign. I received a letter from the center telling me I would have to look elsewhere for help with my phobia. So I did it took about 5 to 6 months to find somebody to help me with my phobia nobody is educated about it. Now my Psychologist wants them to put out a D needle everytime I go in for treatment So I talked with the D.O.N   and she said sure after you are hooked up I asked if somebody can stay with me to calm me down and she did. The last treatments  she did not ask about it or see how I am doing. All I know is the neph does his monthly visit and just wants to stick me. I am really thinking about getting the Psychologist to call up there and tell them his self maybe they will listen to another Doc more than they will me.

[MooseMom]

It certainly does seem that the staff don't know the difference between having a fear and having a true phobia.  I'd bet that all patients experience fear of the needles,  especially at first, but this is very different from having a phobia, so I'm thinking that the staff just really don't know what to do.  And it does seem that no one is going out of their way to help you, but it does look like your psychologist and the D.O.N. HAVE done a bit more to calm you down.  So, maybe you can concentrate on getting those two people.  Your idea of getting your psychologist to call the clinic and talking to them about your phobia is a very good one because I think you are correct in thinking that one doc talking to another may result in better communication than a patient talking to a doctor.  I'd really recommend that you make this happen.

I'm really sorry that you are having to deal with this.  It's soul-destroying feeling like no one gives a crap about you.  I don't know if it helps in real life, but I can assure you that we here on IHD will support you the best we can through cyberspace.  If there is anything you think we can do from behind a computer to help you, please let us know.

[needlephobic]

It certainly does seem that the staff don't know the difference between having a fear and having a true phobia.  I'd bet that all patients experience fear of the needles,  especially at first, but this is very different from having a phobia, so I'm thinking that the staff just really don't know what to do.  And it does seem that no one is going out of their way to help you, but it does look like your psychologist and the D.O.N. HAVE done a bit more to calm you down.  So, maybe you can concentrate on getting those two people.  Your idea of getting your psychologist to call the clinic and talking to them about your phobia is a very good one because I think you are correct in thinking that one doc talking to another may result in better communication than a patient talking to a doctor.  I'd really recommend that you make this happen.

I'm really sorry that you are having to deal with this.  It's soul-destroying feeling like no one gives a crap about you.  I don't know if it helps in real life, but I can assure you that we here on IHD will support you the best we can through cyberspace.  If there is anything you think we can do from behind a computer to help you, please let us know.

MM it seams to me every one at the center who goes out of there way to help me the powers to be come down on them and they either quite there job or retire early or be asked to resign. its like the powers that be don't want nobody to help me. Its like let him suffer and freak out everytime they come at me with a needle like they are getting a chuckle out of it just don't know. That's another reason it is hard for me to trust anybody who says I will help you makes me wonder for how long. My Psychologist after about 2 sessions Pissed me off on perpose to see emotions from me because I was trying to feel him out to see if I can trust him he was feeling me out to see if he could help me. He did this so I could trust him and tell him anything in his office. As he put it  My office is a safe haven to talk about anything and he wanted me to open up and not bottle it all in. I wonder when you said cyber help I can use my laptop at D and I am on Skype just wonder if having a IHD friend talking to me on Skype would help me get my mind off the needle?

[MooseMom]

Ooooh, skype!  What a brilliant idea!

[needlephobic]

Ooooh, skype!  What a brilliant idea!

Ok brilliant idea anybody want to help me? Sounds stupid I know.

[MooseMom]

Just because I think skype is a great idea doesn't mean that I know how it works!     But maybe someone else here does.  My laptop has a webcam that I just discovered last week (I've had it for over a year), but I have no idea how to use it.  Technology is obviously not my thing.

[tbarrett2533]

All I have to say is YAAAYYYY!!!!

Good for you and I know that you will overcome this fear!!!! So proud of you!!!!!!!
just remember baby steps!!!   

[needlephobic]

Just because I think skype is a great idea doesn't mean that I know how it works!     But maybe someone else here does.  My laptop has a webcam that I just discovered last week (I've had it for over a year), but I have no idea how to use it.  Technology is obviously not my thing.

Well MM goto skype web site download the free version set it up look for friends and make a call skype is free if it is skype to skype

[okarol]

Skype was great for free video chatting with Jenna when she was in Paris.
 

[lmunchkin]

I have Web cam on my laptop too, but don't know how to use it either. I believe people who have Web cam can talk back and forth on it.  Any of you tech saavy people know whether this is true.  And if so, how it works, so MM & I can look at each other!!!   

lmunchkin 

P.S. Wouldnt it be neat to do that, if you could?