My family is going to drive me insane

[Deanne]

Every time I call my parents, my mom picks up the phone and it's always the same. Not "Hi, how are you, what's new?" Instead, it's immediately, "Have you been to the Dr?" And the grilling begins. I always feel like I'm under attack and I dread having to call my parents every week. Do I not have a life outside of my kidneys? I'm glad I have parents who care, but can't she care about anything else in my life? 

Then my older sister. Again, I'm very lucky I have siblings who care and even want to donate to me, but does she really think she's doing me a favor by lying to me about her ability to afford to donate? (She told my other sister that she lied through her teeth) So she she'll tell the same lies to the transplant center (but now that I know, I can tell them myself), let them go through the time and expense of testing her, let me get my hopes up that she might be a possible donor, and then let them find out the truth in the end?  Or let her get away with lying and let me deal with the guilt of her life being in ruins later?   
 
And my brother/SIL. My brother was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago. He went through treatment and then quit hormone therapy because he couldn't tolerate the side effects anymore. No one knows, including him, his cancer status. His left leg is swollen. It looks to me like he's retaining fluid. My SIL wants someone to ask him to be a donor as a way to force him to go to the Dr. Um...... Sure I'd like it if he got checked out so he's making informed decisions about his own life, but give me a flippin' break! Don't try to put his decision to see a Dr on me. 

They're all nuts and they're trying to drag me down the nut-hole with them. I'm trying to fill out my care forms for the transplant center to show them that I have people in my life who think I'm worth helping, and what do I get - crazy people who I can't even ask honest questions to, like "Do you think you'd be willing and able to come and help me for a couple of weeks after surgery?" I know that even if they told me "yes," having them here might do my recovery more harm than good. Instead of them helping me, I'd end up in prison for bashing in their heads and then I'd miss my clinic appointments! Better to give my car keys back right away and let me risk driving myself to the hospital.

Are these typical potential donors experiences? No one warned me about this kind of stuff.

[jbeany]

 I don't know if it's typical donor - but it sure is typical family! 

When my mom was in the hospital at the end of her life, the hospital still had a "family only" visitation policy.  So the friends who would have cheered her up, brought her homemade treats she might actually have eaten and made her glad to see them weren't allowed in, but my wacky gram could stay alllllllllll day and drive her to tears on a minute by minute basis.   

[paris]

Family and illnesses!!!   They just don't go together.   My     don't have anyone stay two weeks.  You will go absolutely crazy!!   Short visits a couple of times a day to clean, cook and help you with showers, etc -- then tell them to go home so you can rest.   Of course, no one will listen to you!!   On the other hand, they will think you are cured and you don't need anyone to help you.  You just can't win!   

[Ang]

my .
when you ring mum,start the conversation, Been drs etc etc etc,get in first.
be open and honest with tx center at all times
i would not be asking anyone to be a donor just so they get to the dr
going to the dr has got to be his choice

[Deanne]

My younger sister also offered to donate, and if she is able to donate, then I'm sure I'll have family here. I can't let them come over for an hour and then send them home. They live in Minnesota and I'm in Oregon, so if they're here, they'll be in my house. The transplant center wants to know my post surgery care plans, but my care will be entirely different based on whether I have a living donor and I won't know that until they accept me and start to consider my sister.

Thankfully, no one has directly mentioned using me to get my brother to go to the Dr. Hopefully, they know better. because that won't go over very well with me.

It doesn't work/help to be open with my mom. It's like giving a bone to a dog. The only way to have moderate success is to shut her down entirely. It sounds like many family conversations are a catalogue of various family medical woes and I'm not interested in participating. It probably baffles them that I prefer to have a "normal" life.