Hello everyone

[Laura]

I'm 36 yrs old and nearing end stage.  I was sick a lot as a child.  The doctors told my parents all kids get sick sometimes, gave me a shot of antibiotics, and sent me on my way.  So by the time I was 19 and finally had a doctor take an X-ray, both kidneys were severely damanged from reflux.

I was told I should never have children because the baby might be stillborn and I would go into total kidney failure.  But I was determined to have children.  Both of my babies were healthy and neither pregnancy did much more damage to my kidneys that the passing of time was already doing.  So I made the right choice.   

In addition to being a Mom, I am a Psychologist and Program Supervisor of a crisis program for children with mental health disorders.  I am used to being strong, independent, and having other people rely on me.

When I found out I needed a transplant, my brother and sister both volunteered to donate.  My sister is a full match.  But she just had her second baby and I don't want surgery to interfere with her taking care of her children.  And my brother, who is a half match, works two jobs just to get by.  Taking six weeks off of work will hurt him financially.  So instead of having surgery right now, I am opting for dialysis.

I don't tell people just how scared I am, or how sick I feel most of the time.  My family is supportive, but I don't want them to worry.  My husband avoids dealing with anything difficult, so I really can't talk to him.  And my oldest friends all bolted when I was put on the transplant list.  I had been there for them through illnesses, infertility, divorces, whatever...  I think they were afraid I was going to ask them for a kidney.  I get occasional e-mails asking me how I am doing.  But I know they just want me to say I am fine...so I do.  I tell everyone I'm fine...even when I'm not.  And when it gets real bad- I set aside times and places to cry so that no one will know... like in the shower or in the car on the way home from work. 

I guess that's why I'm here.  To say what I can't say anywhere else.  Thanks for listening! 

[Zach]

Welcome Laura!

I've been on this journey for a few years now and I think you'll be able to weather this storm.
Please look around.  Use the search engine.  And please post your thoughts!
 

[Rerun]

Welcome to our site Laura.  You don't have to hide your feelings and emotions here.  You can come and kick and scream anytime you want to.      This site is very supportive and also helpful.  Since you are just beginning dialysis, you have a lot to read. 

Since you are a Psychologist, and a mother, give this thread a look-see and give a response:
http://ihatedialysis.com/forum/index.php?topic=2294.0

Welcome to our site and I'm looking forward to hearing from you.

[Laura]

I was feeling really low the past few days, but just reading what other people have written has helped.  Thanks for welcoming me! 

I went to the postings about pregnancy and PD.  I guess sometimes I forget just how luck I am to have been able to have children in spite of doctors telling me I shouldn't.   I don't consider myself to be a very religious person - but that is the one time in my life I acted on faith alone. 

[kelliOR]

Hi Laura,

I can relate to your not wanting your family to worry.  Being strong on the outside is hard on the inside.

Nice to meet you,  Kelli

[mcjane]

Hi Laura,
A pleasure to welcome you to a place where you can speak openly & others will understand your feelings & answer all your questions.

Jane

[Bajanne]

Welcome to our community, Laura!  This is the right place for you to be as you face this challenge.  I was fortunate to come upon IHD just before I started dialysis, and I cannot tell you the difference this made in how I approached it.  The folks at IHD were able to make me very aware so that I could ask questions, and be really prepared for what I was going to go through.  And apart from all of that, it is an excellent place to vent and rant when you need to.  Take your time and read through the posts, especially in the FAQ - Frequently Asked Questions section
I am looking forward to hearing a great deal from you.  Please keep us posted on how things are going.
Here is a group hug for you.
Welcome again!

[Laura]

Thanks everyone!  Ilook forward to getting to know all of you, too. 

[Bette]

Hi Laura,

Welcome!  I can relate to your post.  I am gals that you're here.  I get a lot from this board because I can talk about things that my family cannot relate to you.  It's helped me so much.

[jbeany]

Welcome to IHD!  This is the perfect place to talk to someone who knows what it is like to be "fine" all the time!  It's the perfect place to vent and rant when you need to.

 

[Sluff]

Hello Laura,

You can be yourself here. All like minded people here. Welcome to IHD. Excellent introduction too.

[Joe Paul]

Welcome Laura, good to have you aboard.

[goofynina]

Hi Laura,  Welcome to ihatedialysis.com,  I am sorry to hear that your friends have "bolted" from you but you have a whole group of new friends now    Other than being a fantastic community here, we are an even more awesome support group.  Hope to hear more from you soon. 

[Razman]

It's great to hear from you.  I am also not on dialysis yet but I  ( and probably most others)  understand how you feel. I was in the hospital dialysis clinic just yesterday talking to a nurse about the same thing.  People just think that it is no big deal !  But your at that right place.  There are people here that understand and will listen to you.
 

[nextnoel]

Hi, Laura, welcome to IHD!  You've certainly come to the right place - you don't have to hide your feelings or tiptoe around on this site, and everyone here is ready to provide good support and good advice!     I'm glad you joined us!

[mallory]

Welcome, Laura, you've found a great site and a supportive group of people!  Great first post, I can relate.  One of my doctors, who I really like, is always telling me what a great attitude I have and how much that affects what happens to me.  I don't ever tell him that I always have a great attitude in his office, but I don't always have a great attitude.

Crying in the shower must be universal, been there many times myself.  Hang in there, we're here for you! 

[Laura]

I still haven't told my employer about my illness.  Fortunately, I get a lot of time off (people who work in mental health get time off rather than good pay) - so I've been able to go to doctor's appts and even schedule surgery to have my PD access put in (in Feb) without anyone being the wiser.  I even have 8 weeks of time off built up so that I will be paid the whole time when I eventually have a transplant.  But I still have to protect myself - you never know how people are going to react when the find out and I need my job.  I have a friend whose boss fired him while he was on dialysis.  At first, they accused him of using drugs because of the way his arms looked from the hemo.  When he told them what was really going on, they fired him on the spot.  The boss said having him work there might drive up the health insurance rates for the company!  I told my friend he should sue, but he didn't have the energy to fight the situation. 


[This was a topic that really resonated with me, so I thought I should start a new thread, since this section is just for intros.  Check out the topic "Dialysis and Job Security" at http://ihatedialysis.com/forum/index.php?topic=2440.0]

Bajanne/Moderator

[anja]

 Laura,   to the community!  Friends do not realize how cruel they are when they turn their back on you in your time of need, that is why you sought more understanding friends here at IHD...We feel your pain and understand your betrayals.  No need to worry about that happening here.  One big happy, sad, mad, and caring family.  Glad to have you join us.   

[shay_pcb]