Caregivers, Im sorry

[Lillupie]

hi,
 I feel like I should apologize. I know some on here are caregivers, and in a way, I cant help but to be a little jealous of patients who actually do have caregivers. Because I dont! I am a caregiver to everyone else around me.  I am on dialysis, PD, which means I do it every single day. I am ok, with that for the most part. I am on the cycler at night, and have to do one manual during the day time.
 I am struggling at the moment. Just the moment. We moved out of Detroit because in July our house got broke into when we were home. My mom decided it was time to move. Well, she works and has a very good paid job. Problem is she is 62 years old and does NOT, NOT have a drivers license and does NOT drive. I am the ONLY person in my house who drives! So, I have to be on the machine every night, and I have to wake up at 5:30am to drive my mom the mile or so to the bus stop or drive her to work, and pick her up at the bus stop in the evening, or drive the 45 minutes to her job to pick her up. And anytime she needs to go to the store, I have to take her. My boyfriends mom has offered to driver her to the store and my mom doesnt want any freinds. I am an only child and it is all on me.
 I also have a 5 year old daughter. I am just pooped!
 Sorry for venting.

Lisa

[YLGuy]

I understand being a single dad of 3 on HD.  I have a schedule printed in my car what time I drop off and pick up everyone.  Luckily I have my D scheduled so I can drop them off and then go to D. After D I pick up the kids and go home to take a little nap, wake up, grocery shop, chores and make dinner.  It is tough. 

[jbeany]

 

Yup, pooped it is.  I took care of my semi-senile grandmother while I was on D.  It's exhausting to always be on call, and be the only one "good enough" to do certain jobs that could just as easily have been delegated.

[Poppylicious]

Oh Lisa.  That must be so exhausting for you.  My Blokey is very lucky to have me; I shall inform him of that. 

 

But in all seriousness, I hope that you can find quality time for yourself and your daughter occasionally.  Heaven knows that you need it.  Thinking of you.

*huggles*

[Deanne]

 

A mile isn't very far. Can't your mom walk to the bus? I have a trip scheduled on Friday and will be walking about a mile to catch the bus to get to the airport, lugging a backpack and a suitcase with me.

[Rerun]

I know you know..... that your Mom has a good paying job and she has to go to work to put food on the table and a roof over your head.  So, get up and take her where ever she needs to go. 

But, it must get old and that is why you are venting.  Sorry for the reality check.   

[kristina]

I am so sorry what you are going through.

Please make sure the stress & exhaustion won’t cause you a Lupus-flare-up.

Best wishes from Kristina.

[rsudock]

thinking of you....


xo,
R

[willowtreewren]

Lisa,

I know it is hard. But you may have to talk with your mom about letting some of those others who are willing to help do so.

In the mean time, accept the hugs coming your way.

Aleta

[Lillupie]

Do you realize what it is like to be a taxi driver for someone who refuses to drive? Do you realize that she has both her kidneys and does not have to be on a machine at night? It is wearing me out. I am an only child, and she doesnt want me to get married because then she wont have anyone to drive her shopping. I dont even eat anymore because it takes too  much out of me to pick her up from work, take her shopping and then come home and cook.
 So, I am going to give you a reality check and I am sure you are going to ban me from this site for this. I think I have had a not so nice/not so compassionate response from you before. So I am asking you rerun, please dont respond to any of my posts that I start.

SOOOOOOOO sick of this lifestlye of not working a fulltime job and paying my bills, I just wish God would just kill me and get it over with

I know you know..... that your Mom has a good paying job and she has to go to work to put food on the table and a roof over your head.  So, get up and take her where ever she needs to go. 

But, it must get old and that is why you are venting.  Sorry for the reality check.   

[phyl1215]

    I hope things will get easier for you.  Is there anyone at all that can get through to your Mother?  Your Neph or maybe PD nurse could help.  Talk to the social worker.  I hope you can get some help.

[paul.karen]

It may be time for you to move on and out.
You shouldn't BE ASKED by your mother to put your life on hold.  For a mother to tell her daughter she shouldn't get married is crazy IMO.
One would think that you are 100% healthy and your mother is the one with kidney disease the way she needs and relies on you.

Your young and have a daughter this alone is a fulltime job plus your a dialysis patient which complicates things so much more.

I'm sure you love your mother but to wish death on yourself even if you dont mean it just thinking it is not healthy.
It may be time for you to move on and out.

Your mother has made it this far she can figure out what to do if you were to move on.
Why should your life be put on hold bad enough you have this dam disease.

[ODAT]

Do you have Liftline in your area or something like that? Research alternatives for someone who does not drive.

You are not in an easy situation. I pray for your sanity.

My sons are grown up now. Enjoy your daughter and smile with her every day!

Take care,
Odat

 

[Brightsky69]

Lillupie - I know exactly how you feel. My mom is just like yours. Mom does not drive either and is basically 70 going on 12 years old. I remember she called asking me to pick her up from work at 9:30pm. I told her that I had to be on PD by 8PM to be able to get up for work in time the next morning. She gave me big attitude and hung up on me.
I always tried to accommodate her because she did give me one of her kidneys (the 1st transplant). But eventually I had to put my foot down when she started to take advantage of me. I took off from work to give her a ride to the doctor’s office and on the way back home she said “Oh my back…the doctor said that when I donated my kidney to you that I would be in pain for the rest of my life.” I had to call her out on that. I told her you know that’s NOT true..so STOP lying! She immediately changed the subject. Anytime you confront her she tries to change the subject.
When she started to volunteer me out to drive her friends around I really had to chew her out. I told her “I am NOT your personal TAXI DRIVER!!”

Of course she still tries to get away with stuff. I asked her if she wanted to go with me to a local pow wow this weekend. Of course she said yes….then she calls me up and asks if “we” could pick up two of her friends too. I think now she is at least trying to compromise. She suggested that I drop them off at the mall so they could catch a bus back home. That way I wouldn’t have to make the 34 mile round trip back to her place.

I am sorry it’s happening to you too. Just know your not alone. Stand up for your self and say NO!!!  Or at the very least say to your mom "Give me a kidney then we'll talk about me driving you all over kingdom come"   

[woodsman]

Wow don't say crazy things like tahe it will get better, You must think of different ways to get mom to the bus stop. Lets see, how about she takes a cab 3xs a week to the stop and you pick her up at the bus stop??. Maybe the boyfriend/husband can help you out at least a couple times a week. Maybe even grandma can help out. But first you really have to give mom a reality check as to how you are feeling and let her know she muct work with you during the week to make things better. I hope it all works out for you and come here and vent anytime..

[carol1987]

My sisters, Mother in Law learned to drive when she was in her 80's because her DH has a stroke and could no longer drive!! 
You need to try and tell you mom how you feel (she can learn to drive!!) ... and maybe explore the option of moving out! (there must be some housing aid you can get)

But  vent away!!!   

[Sax-O-Trix]

Moving out is probably not a viable solution for you at this point.  I'd look into some of the volunteer programs mentioned above.  Try not to get too discouraged, perhaps your mom can take a taxi to the bus stop for a week just to give you a break... 

[Brightsky69]

  I asked my mom to take a taxi....."Oh no, I am not going to do that." I even offered to pay for it. still all  I got was nope. I even offered to pay for driving lessons and she brushed me off.

My mother grew up spoiled and has her whole life been looking for men to take care of her. Lill - I wish you could move out. Is there any possible way? You need to take care of you and your daughter first. Your mom is a grown woman and should be able to get back and forth to the bus stop by herself. Your mom does sound selfish...wanting you to put your life on hold for her??? Thats crazy. Don't get married because then who would drive me around?? Seems she is only thinking about herself.
I feel for you. I do love my mom but  I can honestly say I would rather live in my car than live with her.
She would be all over me like white on rice. I remember a trip we took one summer. We were at the airport and she had just come back from the bathroom. When she got back and before she sat down I stood up and said I was headed to the bathroom. She said "Oh..I'll go with you." I can't even go to the bathroom by myself when I am with her.

[del]

Lisa it must be very difficult. Your mom should be the one helping you. On nice days there is no reason your mom can't get some exercise walking to and from the bus stop. A mile isn't very far.  You need to be able to do your dialysis and rest in order to be able to take care of yourself and your daughter.  As for not wanting you to get married that s selfish!!

[Brightsky69]

  I remember my mom saw all my PD supplies at my house. She says "Whats all this stuff for?" Remember she gave me my first kidney transplant......and STILL was asking me what all my dialysis supplies were for.   I said "Mom...I'l give you one guess."

Lill - hang in there 

[willowtreewren]

Thinking of you Lisa.

 

I'm hoping that you are getting some kind of break this weekend. 

Aleta

[Lillupie]

all thank you all so very much for your words of encouragement....
 I need to give all more information...my mom is 62. We are between two bus stops. One is about a mile at the most away, the other one is 1/3 of a mille. Neither one she wants to walk to. The thing that really is bothering me now is the years I have spent driving her from work, and now it is to work and home. I want to work a part time job. the problem is, i dont know the hours i can work because of my moms inconsistancy. One day i have to wake up at 5:30am to drive her to the bus stop, the next day it might be all the way to work, in that case it has to be all the way to work, which then I leave at 7am. In the evenings if i get her at the bus stop then it is at 6pm, if i have to drive all the way to her job, then i have to leave no later then 4pm. If the weather is bad, i.e snow, rain, too windy (She is scared of the wind) then I have to drive two trip round trip. My grandmother does not drive either. So, out of 4 of us, I am the only person who knows how to drive. I mean of course my daughter dont, shes too young. lol
 My boyfriend. When he was here, he has gone with me a few times to go and get my mom. The worst thing about my boyfriend, I love him dearly, but he is in the military. On his leave he picked her up for me a few times. There have been dinners at his family's house that I could not finish my dinner because I had to to go and get her from the bus stop.
 So she doesnt want me to get married because for the next three yeares starting in September, my boyfriend, Thom, will be startioned in Kentucky, and then I wont be around.

Carol, I had noo idea that someone could learn how to drive in their 80s. WOW. I give props to that lady. There is nothing wrong with my mother that she cant drive. She doesnt have seizures, she has an education, not blind. Not in poverty that she cant afford a car!! grr and on the weekends if she wants to go shopping, or to my cousins house I have to take her there too. My boyfriends mom has offered to take her grocery shopping because she is like 2 traffic lights away from me, and my mom said no. She doesnt want any friends.

Brightsky, WoW. Atleast your mom was willing to give you a kidney. My mom, nope. Not even to get tested. Her attitude when I was first told I might need dialysis in the future when I was 16 was "im not getting cut open for anyone". Even to this day she wont get tested. Atleast go through with it to look like she is trying. Now I cant get mad at her too much, she does have high blood pressure

I thank everyone here for letting me vent.

Lisa

[Sax-O-Trix]

As far as "not wanting any friends", I'd tell her that she doesn't have to be the lady's friend, she only needs to accept the darn ride to the grocery store once in a while to save your sanity, lol.  Does your Gram live with you too?

Have you told your Mom you want to get a part-time job?  Do you need the job or is the job for experience/personal satisfaction?  If you don't really need the money, would volunteering in your field of study be possible?  Between being Mom's chauffeur, caring for a 6 year old and being on PD, you already have a full-time job.  I do understand you wanting more though...

[del]

Lisa, life is way too short not to do the things YOU want to do. Let your mom stand on her own 2 feet. If you want to get a job get it and let her find her own way to work 1/3 of a mile to a bus stop is nothing!!  As for getting married that is your decision not her's.  You deserve a life for you and your child. As long as you are around and willing to cater to her every need she will take advantage of it.   

[Poppylicious]

If you're going to continue driving your mum perhaps you need to work on the inconsistency first.  It's at set times every day or she walks.  One third of a mile?  That should take her ten minutes tops!  And now it's practically summer it will be a lovely walk!

I'd agree with those who say that it's time to move out.  And what's a more perfect time to move out than the moment you get married and have to move somewhere else?  You and your daughter are your Number One priority and you need to live your life for you, not for your mum.  I realise that this is probably easier said than done though.  When we were having issues with my MiL we gradually weaned her off us (which semi-worked ... my BiL is now the one stuck doing everything for her!) but we didn't live with her so it was easier to do.

I really hope you can sort it out.

*more huggles*