Depression is slowly sneaking in.

[Jamie]

Dear fellow renal readers,

Well today I did two christmas magic shows one private and one in my citys Library. One word "DREDFULL" I was so tired my treatment have not been going as well as they could be. Yeserday I gained 7.2 kilo's and on hemo dialysis its all most unheard of.
  My treatments have really been ruff as my weight gains have been between 6 to 8 kilo's. Usually after my treatment I'm no good. I'm the only person in my renal unit that takes the city bus to get there and home. I start my treatments anytime between 3:00 p.m. to 4:30 p.m. depending on if the shift gets done early enough and I'm usually there untill 8:00 to 8:30 p.m. than I take the bus home and don't get home untill about 10:00 p.m. and than if I'm feeling up to it I will eat my dinner.
   I have noticed since I have been gaining these weight gains that my body is going threw some real horable changes one I'm tired all the time but yet I can't get no sleep. Also I have been having real bad breathing problems.
  Yesterday my blood pressure dropped 62/42 and I passed out big time. Now my blood pressure has been dropping alot lately and one of these days I won't be suprised if I go into a major stroke or major heart attack. Many years ago when I started dialysis I had two strokes and made it threw o.k. but today I feel like I'm going down hill pretty fast.
   Also I have notcied that depression is setting in big time. Now I'm not at the point of giving up (been there many times in self pitty) but it is very close. I have noticed that I'm being less active I have a membership (one year) for the gym here in my city and I have not been there in two weeks (i have a one year contract with them so I'm paying for this membership I'm not using). Also my people skill's (with woman) are very poor. "Man" its so poor it really sucks. Christmas time is around the corner and its going to hit me really hard.
    I have made contact with one lady friend (NO NAMES) but when I showed some interest she was point blank told me she like some one. I guess that was the way it gose but do not give me the "FRIENDS SPEACH". I can't handle the I just like you as a friend or we are to good of friends. To me that's very damgeing call me ugly or some thing but please not the friend speach I hate it. Now I'm not really sure why she had went this route if I'm on dialysis and can not handle that. Or maybe my fistula in my arm or my wounds from my transplant there really are many factors my she would not like me. Maybe I should be happy I have a friend but then again its sure is really lonely living this way of life.
  I believe that deep down I have a heart of gold and I would probably do any thing for some one who needed some thing but I have found myself outside looking in most of my life and its sucks.
  I have blamed my family, I have blamed my self, I have blamed friends and yes I have even blamed God for these health problems. I have turned two pills (MORPHINE) for two years as a mask to hide my true feelings and how to deal with this world witch I live in. Did not work.
  I have tryed to get help from a recovery home here believe in or not sharing how I feel I was there like 14 years but things seem to go back to that deep depression thats so hard to get out of once you are there.
   Once the cloud comes over me really any thing can happen lately I have been trying to mask it with Jack Daniels stright up but it leads to massive headacke's after wards. Some time when I'm in my room by myself I ask why God has punished me with this death sentence. I know when I do die its going to be very painful and in the most horable fastion possable because thats how it go's for me. This is my world darkness pain and the whole ball of wax God help me..........Jamie-G

www.jamiegmagic.com

[LifeOnHold]

Wait!  Let me get my violin!  Somebody smack this guy!   


Taking the BUS to dialysis?!  Jesus, that would depress me too!  Can your social worker arrange a cab or van ride for you to and from treatment?   You shouldn't have to take public transportation-- if there's a big snowstorm, the buses don't run and then you'll be screwed!


This is where you find out if you're a wimp, or if you have the guts to keep living.  Any idiot can quit treatment or take an overdose... it takes a lot of nerve to keep going to dialysis, even when you feel like it's hurting you and not helping you.


I would quit drinking that JD... that last damned thing you need right now is liver complications!

[Jamie]

Life on hold,

  Like most people dialysis is on disabitly I'm not on that and can not recive it. I have been doing dialysis for 14 years and have always rode the city bus I have no choice. Its a 20 Minute walk for me to the closest bus pick up that is the walk there and after treatment the walk back.
  I have walked to dialysis in the rain and the snow and it takes about 5 to 6 hours to get there. I had no chocie. I'm a pretty strong person and maybe you should think twice before you think some one should be smacked.
  The vololin should play a tune for me as I'm the only person I know on the machine that buts up with the bullshit I do.
  I started dailysis at 18 years old but been putting up with renal failure since 5 years of age. I was put on C.P.P. and a special pension. I get no benifits what so ever most of my medications come out of my pocket. So maybe you should count your blessings.
   No matter how I feel or how my treatments go I must count on myself to get there and get back. So maybe I souldn't get that smack any ways just goes to show you have not hit rock bottom yet and I guess you should be happy about that.
  I will say a prayer for you tonight...........Jamie-G

[LifeOnHold]

I'm just saying that we could all dwell on the bad things that have happened as a result of kidney failure-- Epoman and Rerun have stories that would curl your hair!

But I have learned from experience that the more you dwell on the bad stuff-- the MORE bad stuff happens.  It just seems like you enjoy dwelling on it, and that could be why you are lonely-- there's only so much of that stuff that people can listen to you before they start avoiding you.  You have so much else you could talk about, like your magic, that other people can relate to-- why would you want to isolate yourself by talking about things that most people have no reference point for?

Do you keep a journal?  You could express all your negativity there, without it affecting anyone else, and you would have the catharsis you need.

[Jamie]

Great point, number one this is not a magic forum I thought it was things that have to deal with dialysis and all the crap that has to do with it.
  I must of been wrong Epoman when you read this please delete me from this system and my message along with it thank you.......Jamie-G

www.jamiegmagic.com

[Epoman]

Great point, number one this is not a magic forum I thought it was things that have to deal with dialysis and all the crap that has to do with it.
  I must of been wrong Epoman when you read this please delete me from this system and my message along with it thank you.......Jamie-G

www.jamiegmagic.com

Hello, I was not going to reply to this post as I saw where it was heading. But now I feel I have no choice. Jamie you are welcome to stay in fact I ask that you reconsider if that is what you meant by you requesting I delete you from the system. Jamie you must understand that this is a two-way street this is a place where people like yourself can come and vent, rant and when you want feel sorry for yourself, as I do myself sometimes about how much you hate dialysis. However if another member wants to criticize you, then you must be prepared to deal with it. Since that member is ranting and venting as well. "LifeOnHold" is/was one of our very first members (if not the first) and I have known her longer than you and I feel she was just trying to help you. Which is what this place is all about. When "LifeOnHold" said "Wait!  Let me get my violin!  Somebody smack this guy!" She was saying it in jest and did not mean it literally, if you noticed she put a smiley face at the end of the sentence which on internet forums such as this means simply she's kidding or is not serious. In the end "LifeOnHold" makes some good suggestions and like you has been on dialysis a VERY long time, she is a veteran just like you in this battle. I think you make a excellent member for this site and I hope you decide to stay.

Epoman - Admin/Owner

[Rerun]

This is probably none of my business, but when has that ever stopped me. 

Life on Hold is the comedian of the site.  She makes me laugh and I need that.  I feel that she was just giving Jamie a bad time.

Jamie, you need to watch your fluids.  Suck on ice chips instead of grabing a glass of water.  Watch your salt... that will make you thrusty.  I know you know all this if you have been dealing with kidney disease since you were 5.  Just really try to hold off on the fluids and see if you don't feel better inside and out. 

I don't know why God chose me to have kidney problems.  Maybe it is to help someone else who is going through the dialysis storm.

But, life is just a blink of an eye compared to eternity.  I still have faith in God that He has plans for me.  All of us will die, but where we spend eternity is what counts. 

[Jamie]

Dear fellow renal readers,


   I have been a member of the (I.B.M.) International Brotherhood Of Magicians for many years. What is great about the I.B.M. is that they have magic club's called "RINGS" in most major citys around the world.
  The I.B.M. even has a online ring called ring 2100 (www.ring2100.org) On this on line ring there is over 3000 members world wide sharing ideas and happenings in the magic world.
  I have been a member of ring 2100 for about four years as if you were to go to the rings main web site you would see the hard work I have put together not only for the members of ring 2100 but for people who love the art of magic its self.
  In that four year I have gotten very close with the membership as I have not only shared magic ideas on the ring but I have also ranted and raved about dialysis, relationships there were even there when I had to get my kidney transplant out witch turned out to be a great big mess as the Doctor's from London Ontario's hospital told me I had a 40% chance of pulling threw (after the operation I was out of the hospital in 4 days).
  Matter of fact my life is pretty well a open book on ring 2100. Now some members could not understand what I was going threwsome members were very positive and some members were negitive and like most internet chat sites some members were right out nasty but never the less at the time it was all I had.
   Anyways I'm getting off topic here this is a great web site and I'm sure it will help many people. Rerun seems like a very nice lady and I hope the best for her. I have noticed many people here are afraid to show people what they look like out here witch kind of puzzles me alittle bit.
  I'm pretty well a stright shooter I'm a honest person that I believe I have a heart of gold. I have only shared here in hopes of maybe people understanding were I was comming from. I also know many here have there own problems and that no one really has it very lucky (some thing I hear all the time "You are so lucky) There are good people on this site but for me I believe my time here is now done thank for listening.........Jamie-G

www.jamiegmagic.com
   

[Epoman]

Dear fellow renal readers,


   I have been a member of the (I.B.M.) International Brotherhood Of Magicians for many years. What is great about the I.B.M. is that they have magic club's called "RINGS" in most major citys around the world.
  The I.B.M. even has a online ring called ring 2100 (www.ring2100.org) On this on line ring there is over 3000 members world wide sharing ideas and happenings in the magic world.
  I have been a member of ring 2100 for about four years as if you were to go to the rings main web site you would see the hard work I have put together not only for the members of ring 2100 but for people who love the art of magic its self.
  In that four year I have gotten very close with the membership as I have not only shared magic ideas on the ring but I have also ranted and raved about dialysis, relationships there were even there when I had to get my kidney transplant out witch turned out to be a great big mess as the Doctor's from London Ontario's hospital told me I had a 40% chance of pulling threw (after the operation I was out of the hospital in 4 days).
  Matter of fact my life is pretty well a open book on ring 2100. Now some members could not understand what I was going threwsome members were very positive and some members were negitive and like most internet chat sites some members were right out nasty but never the less at the time it was all I had.
   Anyways I'm getting off topic here this is a great web site and I'm sure it will help many people. Rerun seems like a very nice lady and I hope the best for her. I have noticed many people here are afraid to show people what they look like out here witch kind of puzzles me alittle bit.
  I'm pretty well a stright shooter I'm a honest person that I believe I have a heart of gold. I have only shared here in hopes of maybe people understanding were I was comming from. I also know many here have there own problems and that no one really has it very lucky (some thing I hear all the time "You are so lucky) There are good people on this site but for me I believe my time here is now done thank for listening.........Jamie-G

www.jamiegmagic.com
   

Well to be honest they way I see it is that you were a member of a NON-ESRD website/forum and you may have been the only one on dialysis and many people felt sorry for you and you liked the attention. Yes there were many who were unsympathetic but that goes with the territory of the internet. Now jump forward to present, you join another website/message board with members (ALL ESRD) who have gone through just as much pain (if not more in some cases) and you expect the same sympathy? You say you are a straight shooter yet you do not like to be shot back at.
You have had terrible things happen to you in life and so have we. Yeah dialysis sucks, yeah we hate it, yeah sometimes we wonder why the hell did this happen to me. But we are survivors and we need to find any little thing that makes us happy and hold on to it and realize this is our fate and there is nothing we can do about it. So if you wish to no longer be a member of this site, sorry so be it. I had hoped you would remain but I can not force you to stay. I do however think you have misunderstood a fellow member and have taken her statement totally the wrong way.

My personal opinion of you by your posts is that you do indeed have things to be thankful for and are "lucky" Yes you have many things to hate the world for however you do have a skill in which you can support yourself and earn a living plus you bring joy to people with your magic. I heard this story a long time ago and it went like this.... There was this really sick man but he had his family and many other blessings in his life and when people asked him how are you? He did not talk about his multitude of problems he simply said... "I'm not as good as others, but better off than most" Think about that for a minute. You mentioned you walked to dialysis and it took you a few hours to get there right? well I wish I could walk. So start counting your blessings. For the record I am not telling you to not hate dialysis that's what this site is for, Hell I hate dialysis and think it is a horrible way to live however In order for me continue I look around and think of all the positive things in my life. Don't tell me you don't have positive things in your life because from what I've read you are better off than alot of other people in this world but not as good others. Think about it for a minute.

You are always welcome to come back to this site, if you change your mind.

Epoman - Admin/Owner

[Jamie]

Epoman,

  As I read your post you say I have taken a shot from a other member and I misunderstood the post. To be quite honest I'm not here to take "POP Shot's" at and other member and anyone can say what ever they want about me. I'm not here to prejudge anyone either. I guess I don't feeling like jokeing or picking apart others posts.
    As I believe my self renal failure is very serous put then again I deal with death almost everyday. Children and adults with aid's children on dialysis I even spend time in burnwards with children and adults as well. Matter of fact I pretty well have delt with almost every thing you can imagine including transplant wards (Kidney, heart,  lung etc.)
   So I have been there and done that. Don't get me wrong I'm greatful for what I do have and there is alot worse out there but personally I have seen my share of death matter of fact I have seen a good friend of mine die right on the dialysis machine right in front of me than I had to go on that same machine right afterwards. Now tell me about a "MINDFREAK" when some thing like that happen you know who are man and who are boy's.
   I preety greatful and proud that I have help many people with my magic and have toured the world and feel as if I had done more than a person has done with out a illness.
  As I read you seem to be a pretty set back person you are doing God's work by bringing a web site like this to the internet. Count your blessings my friend as you have someone to share you pain with because its a lonely road when you have to do it my your self.
  O ya before I forget I would love to get a few of those shirts I want to see the expressions of the nurse's when I come to dialysis with one on. I think it would be halerious.
   You are a trooper dailysis wheel chair I guess we have our own demons to deal with. Also I must correct you as it don't really mean much to me who feels sorry for me or not and getting attion from other people. To be quite honest I get enough from my magic shows from people who don't even know me or my situation.
   But never the less you Sir are doing great work here and I support a site like this 100%. You are deffinly will get brownie points upstairs.......Jamie-G

www.jamiegmagic.com

[Epoman]

Epoman,

  As I read your post you say I have taken a shot from a other member and I misunderstood the post. To be quite honest I'm not here to take "POP Shot's" at and other member and anyone can say what ever they want about me. I'm not here to prejudge anyone either. I guess I don't feeling like jokeing or picking apart others posts.
    As I believe my self renal failure is very serous put then again I deal with death almost everyday. Children and adults with aid's children on dialysis I even spend time in burnwards with children and adults as well. Matter of fact I pretty well have delt with almost every thing you can imagine including transplant wards (Kidney, heart,  lung etc.)
   So I have been there and done that. Don't get me wrong I'm greatful for what I do have and there is alot worse out there but personally I have seen my share of death matter of fact I have seen a good friend of mine die right on the dialysis machine right in front of me than I had to go on that same machine right afterwards. Now tell me about a "MINDFREAK" when some thing like that happen you know who are man and who are boy's.
   I preety greatful and proud that I have help many people with my magic and have toured the world and feel as if I had done more than a person has done with out a illness.
  As I read you seem to be a pretty set back person you are doing God's work by bringing a web site like this to the internet. Count your blessings my friend as you have someone to share you pain with because its a lonely road when you have to do it my your self.
  O ya before I forget I would love to get a few of those shirts I want to see the expressions of the nurse's when I come to dialysis with one on. I think it would be halerious.
   You are a trooper dailysis wheel chair I guess we have our own demons to deal with. Also I must correct you as it don't really mean much to me who feels sorry for me or not and getting attion from other people. To be quite honest I get enough from my magic shows from people who don't even know me or my situation.
   But never the less you Sir are doing great work here and I support a site like this 100%. You are deffinly will get brownie points upstairs.......Jamie-G

www.jamiegmagic.com

Thank you for the kind words and you are correct I am very blessed to have a wonderful supporting wife who has been with me every step of the way. I understand you are walking this path alone and I am sorry for that. Like you there are many people on dialysis who are alone in this battle and that is one of the reasons I created this site. About the ihatedialysis shirts, I put up the store front with the intention of getting free advertising. I make no money (profit) what so ever on any of the items, my cost is your cost.

Epoman

[Jamie]

Epoman,

   I love the idea of the shirts also what I would like to do is a special benefit show one of these days and send you the money to help up keep this web site. (a special project) as you know I do many of them.....Jamie-G

[Rerun]

I'm alone and I like it that way.  I don't want anyone telling me what to do or how to do it.  I don't want anyone begging me to stay on dialysis because they can't be hurt.  GEEZ  I have lots of friends, but the last thing I need is a mate to take care of when I can barely take care of myself!  Been there done that too~   

I would post a picture of myself but I don't know how?  I don't even remember how I got the blond bombshell on there!

[Epoman]

Epoman,

   I love the idea of the shirts also what I would like to do is a special benefit show one of these days and send you the money to help up keep this web site. (a special project) as you know I do many of them.....Jamie-G

Wow that is a generous offer, and if you wish to hold a benefit show I would be greatly appreciative. For now I have temporary free hosting with very "Limited" bandwidth however as this site grows I will be charged for bandwidth usage. I have plans for this site to run even after my death and the first step I have is to purchase the domain name for at least the next 20 years. But anyway do not feel obligated to do anything, I do this because I want to help others and give them a place to vent. But if you want to help, I won't say no 

[Jamie]

Epoman,

  it takes me about 6 months to a year to plan a fun raiser. What I will do is put some feeler's out right now and get some idea's of putting some thing together but it will take time.
  when I get some commitment from other people to move forward on this I will contact you in private. Many things have to be consider not so much the entertainment I can do that myself I will need to find a place that will donate like a Library or hall of some kind than I could go from there.
   Also I would have to do several press release's to make sure the public knows of the event. I would also look into getting help from the Kidney foundation. So these are some of the things that can take awhile but than again its some thing I do personally i don't see a problem if done right I don't know how much money could be raised any were between $100.00 to $1500.00 depending on who shows up for the show. It is a really give or take kind of thing but how I'm thinking any thing will help right.
  I will let you know if I get any bites.......Jamie-G

www.jamiegmagic.com

[Jamie]

Repoman,

 I can I contact you in private please send me the details threw email thank you.......Jamie-G

www.jamiegmagic.com

[Epoman]

Repoman,

 I can I contact you in private please send me the details threw email thank you.......Jamie-G

www.jamiegmagic.com

Repoman? you don't get my user name? Epogen = Epoman. Alot of people on other message boards think that I forgot the R in my name.  anyway what details are you talking about?

[Jamie]

Rerun,


  Thank you for braking out of the dialysis shell and posting a photo of who you are. Its great seeing who I'm really telling my felling to. Great job I'm really proud of you and know I feel more better of who I'm shearing with... Are those dogs both yours.......Jamie-G

www.jamiegmagic.com

[Rerun]

I posted this somewhere else, but I'll be glad to share again.     That is Pebbles and Adrianne.  Sounds like 2 chicks from Hooter's hua?  But, I adopted them and since they are 8 and 9 years old, I kept their names.  I’ve had them for over a year now and they keep me active.  Their little faces that say "take us for a run in the park" gets me off my butt and exercise a little bit.  The breed is Miniature Pinscher.  No relation to the Doberman Pinscher although they look like a little Doberman.  They are little German Hunting Dogs.  The only thing they hunt here is Pig Ears.  I think they are disgusting, but they love them. 

[Jamie]

"COOL"

   Myself I have four pet doves.....Jamie-G

[angieskidney]

  I have made contact with one lady friend (NO NAMES) but when I showed some interest she was point blank told me she like some one. I guess that was the way it gose

Holy crap! That was me he was talking about!

Sorry to bring up an old post but this just ...

I can't help but be sad as he was one of the nicest guys I have ever known in my entire life and I feel like I some how let him down by not being there for him. It makes me wonder how many other of my fellow patients need someone just to be there for them and we are too busy with our own health to realize.

While going through different stages of kidney disease I have spent a lot of time depressed. I would hope that if anyone is depressed that they would open up like Jamie did. I just wish I had joined this board sooner but he never told me about it since I was transferred to the "self care" unit. He couldn't get transferred with me since he was gaining way too much fluid.

[Shades_Elfen]

Sometimes in life.... we all have moments of weakness... i know, I've been there myself.

I first started dialysis when i was 14, five years ago. And there have been times when I've been down, very down, and i freely admit, suicide crossed my mind more then once, but i always crushed the thought and thought to myself "I'm still here, and here I WILL stay"

its been tough, but you know the saying "Carpe Diem" seize the day?,  I say "Carpe Momentum" seize the moment or "Carpe Vitae" Seize Life, (and never let go.)

because, despite everything that has happened, I'm still here, and still fighting. And I will continue on, in hopes of a better tomorrow.

Carpe Vitae Jamie, Carpe Vitae


*EDIT* I apologise, for when i made my post, i thought Jamie was still with us, it wasnt till after i made the post that i followed the link in his first message in this topic and found that he had passed away.

 - Shades

[Python]

We did not realise Jamie had passed to the other side until Shades clicked on his magicians link in the first post

We apologise if we've offended anyone

[Sara]

I think it's good to read the old posts again, even if a little sad. 

[angieskidney]

sorry, it was my fault. But don't be sorry for not realizing. I only posting in a year old thread because he was a friend of mine who was in city dialysis hosital unit until he passed. We used to email each other back and forth and I know he was having a hard time. But I felt it suited what I had to say to post here .. maybe I should have started a new thread .. I could have simply linked to here ..  but hind site is 2-/2- right? I hope Epoman can see my reasoning in that. And we all get depressed. But what got me is that I didn't realize ... if only I had seen, was I too harsh? I feel bad. Then I thought, how many of us are too busy focusing on our own health and how we feel about things to realize that someone going through dialysis like we are, are having a harder time and need us to be there for them!