Any Hope for Dating While On Dialysis?

[Beth35]

So my window of time ran out in regards to finding a hubby before going into renal failure again.  Little background, I was dating someone when I first got sick and started dialysis.  We were together for the full five years on dialysis.  Then I got the call for my kidney and he was with me for maybe a month after that.  The steriods were NOT kind to me.  I gained weight, got the whole chipmunk cheeks and grew hair in places I had never grown hair.  I had to wax my eyebrows for the first time in my life after the steroids set in.  LOL!

So after a month and a half of having a new kidney he breaks up with me.  Nice right?  I guess he could deal with dialysis but not a chubby fat girl on steriods.  LOL!

I went on to do well with my kidney for many years.  I adopted two children on my own.  They are the love of my life.  I just started to get into the dating scene again and then boom, I got the news that dialysis will be starting soon.  I had another fistula implanted but they do not think it will be ready in time so I will need a cathetor implanted.  -Oh joy!

So now I"m a single mom of two kids who will be on dialysis for goondess knows how long.  Do I have a shot at meeting someone or should I begin my old maid cat collection?

Has anyone dated on dialysis?  How soon do you tell someone about it?  Should you be upfront from the get go?  Just curious to see if any of you have any experience with this.

[Run8]

Off subject but only allowed 4 messages an hour.

[Beth35]

Really?!  LOL!  I wish I could figure out that chat thing. 

[RichardMEL]

Beth, I think this dating thing should almost have its own sub board on here sometimes - it seems to be a common dilemma for a lot of us with kidney failure.

First of all that guy that left you after your transplant - well what that tells me is that that was one shallow SOB and you're better off without him in your life(despite how hurtful/painful that must have been). You're not the only one that happened to. I met someone here who had a guy with her for like 4 years during dialysis etc, and just a few DAYS after she got her transplant the guy left her (I am not certain why and I am not sure she is). The mind totally boggles how someone could (apparently) deal with you with the stress and trials of being on dialysis, but leave when your new life is just starting? WTF? Yes, we know what the steroids do, but that doesn't change who YOU are (well maybe the moods???) but geez, for someone to just break up with you at that point... not a keeper IMHO.

To answer your question though - hell yeah you can date while on dialysis (and go find the "having sex on dialysis" thread for a laugh  ). I've dated a bit.. with mixed results, but I didn't feel, in the main, that dialysis, or related issues (like tiredness) were what really got in the way of things. In fact I have been surprised that most women I've met have been pretty accepting of the D requirements, the fistula weirdness, and all that. Maybe it would be different for a woman finding a guy, but I'd hate to think that the sexes were that different that there wouldn't be guys who would want to date you. Certainly I would go out with someone.. heck at least I'd understand if they were tired or whatever from D!!! (and yeah, OK, I did have the hots for a fellow patient at one time...  ).

As for the age old question - when do you mention it? I'll repeat what I always answer to this - I wouldn't leave it too long, but find a time when it seems the most comfortable to bring it up (and this is NOT easy I totally get). What I usually do is talk about it sooner rather than later after meeting someone. I figure if they're going to freak out and run for the hills I'd rather it's before I invest anything in the relationship.. conversely if I was the other person and we got into something and I was told later on, I may just feel a bit.. cheated? certainly I would feel that it wasn't right that someone hid something like that from me and I am not sure how I would trust them after that point. It's very difficicult though - you don't want to scare someone off, but you don't want to lead someone on to believe that everything is normal - because even though everything SHOULD be normal in terms of relationships - we all know that kidney disease makes things not normal.

Hang in there though Beth!!! You will be OK. If I was closer I'd go out with you!!!
 

 

[RightSide]

Beth35:

Yeah, I've got those dating blues too.

For me, the dialysis isn't the worst of it.  The worst of it is that I became too sick to work.  Most women don't want to date a guy who's unemployed.  (Would you?)

I don't think personal appearance is as big a problem as you think.  (If it were, I couldn't get any dates!)

I've always been attracted to plus-sized women, as long as they're not grossly obese.

But with the kidney failure and the multiple surgeries on my urinary system and the loss of my job came a loss of my self-confidence.  It's going to be tough for me to, uh, get back in the saddle again.

[KICKSTART]

Yeah my nice husband ..did one when i started dialysis and to tell the truth , i havent got the energy now to go out and make the effort of dating , im not even sure i would want the hassle !

[cariad]

Your ex reminds me of my parents. This is the opposite of a compliment.

I think my parents, especially my father, really got off on the whole pre-transplant experience. The famous doctors! The attention! The drama! Anyone who has ever fluctuated in weight can tell you that when you're underweight, it is all concern and encouragement, dare to be overweight (which most doctors will try to convince you is so very, very deadly - pffft, right!) and it is scorn and blame. My father became an unholy bastard when I gained weight on prednisone. Being a kid, I was stuck with him, though. So as outrageous as your ex's behaviour was, I agree with Richard. In the end, he did you a huge favor.

I think RightSide hit upon it with the confidence. If you are self-conscious about something and give off an air that you're not good enough to date, then most people will imagine that there must be something REALLY wrong you. Try to get to a place where you have enough pride in your life that dialysis becomes more of a neutral topic for you.

If that fails, move to Melbourne. Richard made a promise. 

[okarol]

Off subject but only allowed 4 messages an hour.

What....  What do you mean?

[wolfken]

Hello, to answer your question, hell yes, dating should be encouraged, just because our lives are in a mess, our hearts should be filled....wolfken

[okarol]

Off subject but only allowed 4 messages an hour.

What....  What do you mean?

Ok - thanks for the PM - I see - the PM limit her hour - you guys can try the chat, or yahoo messenger - good luck.

[jennyc]

Hi. I haven't really had to worry (thankfully) my hubs has stayed with me through it all (9 years, 7 years with renal failure). But, i lost all but 2 of my girlfriends when i got crf. Anyway, i have met a young guy through the D centre who actually found a wonderful girlfriend whilst on D, i've met a few people who've only started dating whilst on D. It is possible, people aren't all shallow. Hubs' best friend met and married his wife 2 years after she lost her arm (Not CRF but it does present it's own issues, and as a 18 year old girl it would have been difficult to cope). Men can be amazing sometimes, not all are total bast*@%s.

I think if you stay positive the right one will  come along, you may have to be patient but when he does come along you'll know he's in for the long hall. Good Luck

[Beth35]

Thanks for the input everyone.  I kind of thought I had missed out on the window of time when I was healthy with my transplant.  I decided that kids were more important to me at the time and now that I am finally ready to start dating, my health fails me.  But I guess I need to think in a positive manner. 

I know a lot of people don't like drama and let's face it, dialysis and being sick can bring it's own amount of drama.  I guess I am a bit scarred from the first guy.  And I do think you guys are right in that he was probably NOT the one if he couldn't hack it and left me when he did.  But it's still hard to trust people again. 

But what have I got to lose right?  I was just curious if people here had experience dating.  I know that most people who have kidney disease are older and are already married but I figure there may be some here who have been through it.

As far as when to tell.  I don't know it's something I should advertise as it might scare some away.  They always say not to get into deep discussion on the first date.  I wouldn't want to hide something though either.  I'll if I meet someone I'll just know.

[Quickfeet]

I don't mean to defend your ex, I am just speak about people in general. I think some people get it in their head that if they can stick it out through D until transplant everything will be perfect. Once they realize that the complication never end; they get scared and run. Also sometimes they stick around because they don't want to break up with someone on dialysis, and they wait until transplant to do it.

Cariad, I hope things are better with you and your father. I have a little girl and when I read your post, I was disgusted. I father's love is critical for a young girl.  I am sorry. I wish I could force feed him transplant levels of prednisone. As soon as he put on the pounds I would tear him down until cried. I am so pissed right now.

Best wishes to both of you. None of us need rotten apples in our lives.

[cariad]

Aw, Quickfeet, thanks for the concern. My father and I are on tenuous speaking terms right now. I think he knows how out of line he was (maybe?) but is not brave enough to broach the subject. If nothing else, I have learned from him how never to treat my own children.

It made me smile to read that you have your own little girl, and you understand what a lasting impression your behaviour will make on her. She is lucky to have such a great dad! 

[Restorer]

Dating on dialysis... yeah, that's a problem.

I'm not the best person to ask for advice - I've been scouring the internet for advice for myself. It seems that the biggest tip is "get out there and do something fun around other people," and the second biggest one is "be interesting."

Getting out there and doing something - I can "get out there" sometimes, but not always, especially not on dialysis days. Most of the time I can't think of anything I'm physically capable of that I can do around other people that also doesn't cost much money. It's not just finding something to do around other people, though, it's finding something to do around other people my age, something social. All the usual stuff either doesn't appeal to me or isn't something I can do in my condition.

Being interesting - here's the harder part. Let's say I do find a way to socially interact with other people my age. They'll want to have interesting conversations. How interesting is my life? Dialysis is almost all I think about these days. All my other hobbies are solitary. I have no job, I'm not going to school. I feel like I'm pretty boring these days. My life just doesn't seem compatible with normal social interaction.

It doesn't mean you or I won't find someone eventually - the problem is that the odds go way down. You practically have to wait for someone to find you, rather than being able to go out and find someone. That's the way it looks to me.

[okarol]

Several photographers I know get together with other people who have like interests. You go to http://www.meetup.com/ and type in your interest like cooking or movies or photography or hotrods, whatever, and see what comes up. Then you can see what groups are focused on, how many members there are, and if there are any events coming up.

[bette1]

Dating on dialysis is possible.  I was always really upfront about my situation, but I also was lucky enough to have an older brother with a lot of friends, so I dated people I already knew from my social circle or from college.  I got into a serious relationship with my now husband while I was on dialysis and he encouraged me to get the transplant.  He's my rock.

I tried to think of dialysis as a screening tool.  If someone can't handle it I'd rather know up front.

[Chris]

Just waiting for advice I can use 
 
I figure I have to much health issues and would need to win thelotto to get someones atention, well attraction to my new found money.

[Quickfeet]

Chris, I know what you mean.

I have the added guilt of not wanting to put anyone else through all this crap.

[RichardMEL]

Chris, I know what you mean.

I have the added guilt of not wanting to put anyone else through all this crap.

Yes, I have felt that way too in the past. I am not quite sure where I am with those feelings just at the moment though. I have had more than one lady tell me that it's not putting them through it but they want to support me through it (yeah, so why am I single still? not sure!! Maybe it's my deodorant !  ). I certainly can relate to that. It's like how can you become involved with someone when you have a disease like this that means they will worry and go through angst and have to cope with restrictions and problems and all the rest of it - who wants to put someone else through that when the point is caring for someone. I guess the reverse side of that is that if someone ELSE does care for us with our problems and needs, is it fair to deny them because we don't want to put anything on them? Maybe they WANT to support us and share the trials with us.

When I write the above I think of the numbers of wonderful spouses and partners of members here who care so much and wouldn't go anywhere from their loved one - no matter what!!!

I suppose what I'm saying is that now I figure if I meet someone I'll be up front with them - if they run off screaming, then clearly they're not the right sort of person for me anyway - and that "screening process" has worked perfectly. If they want to stay around and see where it could go, even knowing what the deal is, well I won't push them off, but I certainly would worry about that as an issue.

[RightSide]

I have had more than one lady tell me that it's not putting them through it but they want to support me through it (yeah, so why am I single still? not sure!! Maybe it's my deodorant !  ). I certainly can relate to that. It's like how can you become involved with someone when you have a disease like this that means they will worry and go through angst and have to cope with restrictions and problems and all the rest of it - who wants to put someone else through that when the point is caring for someone. I guess the reverse side of that is that if someone ELSE does care for us with our problems and needs, is it fair to deny them because we don't want to put anything on them? Maybe they WANT to support us and share the trials with us.

I also can't escape the feeling that such women are offering it out of pity--and I don't want to be pitied.

[RichardMEL]

that's a fair concern RS. I have to say though with the couple of women I've been involved with over the years who I have had that conversation with - I never actually felt that there was any pity involved - more kind and caring individuals who were prepared to look past the fisula weirdness, and the tiredness and other demands of kidney failure to the actual person and be interested in that, rather than what came with it that was outside of any real control.

[Des]

I don't think being pittied is a "very" bad feeling. It means they care about you. It can start off as pitty and then grow to love.... who knows. Except the care any wich way it comes.

[cdwbrooklyn]

While there is nothing wrong with my brain, emotions, and my ability to care and/or love, I find that dating is not the problem but the ability to love deeply with insecure feelings of receiving that same love in return.  With all the things that come with ESRD, it's hard trying to keep it from the one you're dating.  The person I'm currently dating now knows what's happening but I still keep him a distance away.   I don't want him to think that I totally need to depend on him.  I've been doing this thing for 11 years with men in and men out.   I've told myself that this is my reality for now and I may be in this position for the rest of my life.  However, I don't know what God plans are for me but I'm grateful that (by His Will and Grace) I am a very attractive woman with nice curves so men will always be attracted to me.  However, my question is, will I get married and/or have more children?   This is something that I will see it due time.  My deepest feelings are to see this before I leave this world in another 50 years. 

[Zog]

I married a dialysis patient.  At first, getting her to believe she was worth dating was the hardest part.  She knew I was special when I saw her on dialysis and didn't run away.  Make sure the guy is sane and sincere.  Dialysis is a tough road, no room for sightseers.  Your kids would be the next hurdle.  You would have to find a guy with some life experience to be able to handle your situation.