I knew it............the depression is starting already

[Goofy]

I've barely had my PD cath for 24 hours and I'm already starting to get depressed.  I KNEW that was going to happen.  That's part of why I didn't want to have to start dialysis.  I knew I would go into a depression.

Although it may not seem like it but I'm not trying to be a whinner but I just had to tell someone.  I don't want to upset my kids or husband.  My friends are supportative but like anything else, if its not you that its happening to, then you don't totally get it.

I had one of my friends of 45 years tell me that its no big deal.  She said all you do anyway is sit at home and sleep.  So it shouldn't interuppet my life.  I was so mad when she said that to me.  I immediately went on the internet and sent her articles of how much "fun" I'll be having.  I can't stand when people act like that.  It wasn't like she was trying to make me feel better, she really believes that my life won't be effected by dialysis.

I know it will be for the better once I get over this depression but don't look at me like its no big deal to have kidney failure.

I planned on going to work today.  I keep emphasizing at work that the dialysis shouldn't really have any impact on my job abilityies.  I eneded up working from home today because I can tell I'm starting to get depressed and I'm sure it would show at work.  I don't want anyone to treat my any different and I want to make my life as normal as possible.  So now I worried that they think....gee....she only had the surgery yesterday.....what do you think it going to be like when she goes on dialysis?  I need my job so I can't screw it up.

Sorry for sounding like a baby when most of you have already gone through this but I really don't think anyone else would ever understand what it feels like.

I'll be fine, I'm sure.  It just may take me a little bit to get there!

[ceejster]

Hugs, Hugs, Hugs

[paul.karen]

Can it be that you are stressing yourself out?

Yes renal failure is a bitch and a pain but it can become part of your daily routine much like taking a shower or getting dressed.
As for people treating you differently and leading a normal life this is totally in your hands. Nobody can tell im a dialysis patient unless i tell them.  And i lead just as normal a life as i have in the past (before dialysis).  I just had to make some changes but again no one can tell less i tell them.

Like anything new in a persons life it will take time to adjust but adjust you will and the stress over time will fade away until for you as well PD is just another part of your day.
As for your job!  Not sure what you do but i can honestly say PD hasnt affected me at my job.  For me the worst part of doing PD was the operation itself.  Dont get me wrong there are nights when i DONT want to hook up or even set the machine up but these are just passing thoughts.  Cause dialysis is now part of my routine....

Ps.  I also hate to shave but i do it.

You will be fine.

[jbeany]

Being depressed about this is perfectly normal!  It's this huge life change, and it's scary as hell.  Hopefully, the PD will give you more energy now that the toxins are being removed, and you'll be able to see some benefits soon.  Don't be afraid to talk to your doc about how you are coping, and remember that there are meds that can help if you need them.  Force yourself to stay as active as you can - exercise helps fight depression, too.  You can come here to talk about it whenever you want -  we've all been there, too.

[lou]

Sorry you feel down, I really understand what your feeling as I have only been doing pd for 3 weeks now.

The op is still fresh in my mind and was sooo scary in the first place and now doing the machine each night is so surreal. I hate it when people say they understand too or that I don't look ill. I really don't think people understand unless its happening to them. Just try to stay positive. Hopefully it won't be forever (sorry I don't know your situation, are you on the list?) I promise it will get easier (and im only 3 weeks ahead of you!)

Take care,
Louise x x x

[Hanify]

Yes, it's normal to feel down about it all, but you are telling yourself you are depressed which is not a good move.  Try not to focus on the possible depression, and think about some positives.  Bring up the 'daily positives' thread and MAKE yourself think of something to put on there!  Also, do you have access to someone through your renal team who you can talk to?  Get onto that too - they'll have some ideas of how you can get around this.  I think after the run up to this you have had, that the reality of dialysis might actually be a bit of a let down - it's really not that hard, but it is a bit boring.  Ignore the friend - she might have been trying to be positive and make out like it'll be easy - as opposed to being thoughtless, which is how it came out.
One day at a time Goofy - you'll get there.  We're all thinking of you and we all know what a hard thing this is.  Give yourself a bit of time before you expect to be up to speed with everything.  I think you're doing amazingly well for someone who, quite frankly, was in denial not too long ago!  Don't forget you've still got lots of toxins floating around in your system - give yourself a break!!

[Sunny]

It is understandable having depression right now considering what you are going through. Hopefully it will pass soon and you won't have to deal with it for very long. Expressing your feelings here is a good outlet, but maybe you should let your husband know too. Sometimes just getting it out in the open with someone helps to resolve it. Own up to it, accept it, then work to move beyond it. If it gets any worse and prolonged, though, you may need additional intervention such as counseling, or a support group, or temporary use of anti-depressants. The key is to know when and if you need additional intervention.Hang in there.What you're going through is no piece of cake!

[Bub]

Sometimes I dont know whether to cry or scream.  Which ever you decide to do, I am with you. 

[galvo]

Scream!! It's more satisfying than crying, and it upsets people more!

[Mizar]

Major Life Changes, can be Scary and Stressfull and there can be a Since of Loss, about the way Life was ( I know, Ours, changed in a matter of Hours), but, Human Beings are very Resilient and Adapt to change. Take Time, to Adjust to the Changes and be Kind, to Yourself, during this time. There are Hundreds of People, on this Site, that know, what You are going through and they Survived.
I don't think, Your Friend, meant to be Unkind, but, People, outside of " Our Circle " don't Understand, this Disease. This Forum, is a great " Comfort Zone " as We all here, do Understand. It's Okay to be Sad, when it first Happens, but You will find, that the Longer You do it, it becomes a way of Life, a few extra Hurdles, but I don't know anyone, without, Hurdles, in Their Lives. You will be okay.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

[pamster42000]

You can't let kidney disease control your life ....YOU have to be the one in control. You decided long ago you were going to get depressed when you started dialysis and here you are...depressed. You are making  dialysis the whole picture. There is more to your life...you have work, your family and friends, hobbies and whatever else you enjoy . Please don't dwell on the negative. Dialysis is keeping you alive so you can enjoy the good times also. There is always going to be tough times  but there is also going to be the wonderful events that makes it all worth while.

Depression is a sneaky thing...don't let it take over your life. Keep posting! I wish the best for you.

Pam

[paulanisar]

We all have been exactly where u are right now. it is toughest thing i ever did but it gets easier as u go along and u found a great forum  to help u through the rough spots.Dang, it took me over 3 years to find this site, u found it in the beginning of your trip down this road...see u are already lucky....just don't lose the site...it gives great info and even better..makes u laugh when no one else can!!!

[lizabee]

I think that we all have been where you are.  I had really bad depression when I got put on the transplant list, again when I started dialysis and again now.  They just increased my anti depressants again...and it is helping after a couple weeks.  It's hard because friends and family are trying to help and be supportive but unless you've been there there's no way to understand.  I have found a lot of comfort here, knowing that there are others like me and knowing that when I say things these people really do understand. 

[del]

Goofy, I know dialysis is hard and can make life depressing. We have been going through it for over 12 years. Before anyone jumps on me and says I don't know anything about having to do dialysis because I am not the one actually on dialysis I have gone through it with my husband just as much as he has.(except for actually having the needles in my arm!!) . Think for a minute about other worse things that could happen - a major stroke , terminal cancer, any other disease that there is no treatment for.  At least with kidney failure there are treatments that allow you to live.  Nobody knows my husband is on dialysis just by looking at him or seeing how he lives. He has decided to make the best of it (and believe me he is able to get depressed at times) but he lives one day to the next and makes plans for the future. Don't dwell on the bad stuff but look on the bright side of things.  And there are lots of bright things!!!  Just read the daily positives post!!

[okarol]

Jenna was prescribed a low dose of an antidepressant when she started dialysis. I think it helped bridge over the stress of it until she adapted. It's natural to feel undone by this. I hope you can keep talking about what you're experiencing and let the members here carry you a bit. We are here for you. 

[Rerun]

I remember one of my co-workers told me it was "no big deal" about dialysis.  It hurt my feelings so bad because how would she ever know?

THEN.... she went to get her teeth cleaned and came back and had been crying.  She hates to get her teeth cleaned.   Hmmmmm   NO BIG DEAL? 

                                     

[kristina]

You can't let kidney disease control your life ....YOU have to be the one in control. You decided long ago you were going to get depressed when you started dialysis and here you are...depressed. You are making  dialysis the whole picture. There is more to your life...you have work, your family and friends, hobbies and whatever else you enjoy . Please don't dwell on the negative. Dialysis is keeping you alive so you can enjoy the good times also. There is always going to be tough times  but there is also going to be the wonderful events that makes it all worth while.

Depression is a sneaky thing...don't let it take over your life. Keep posting! I wish the best for you.

Pam

Thank you Pam for expressing it so well. I shall print it out and study it regularly, whenevery my situation starts to get at me.
Thanks again from Kristina

[YLGuy]

Is it depression or are you just bummed?  I think it is perfectly normal to be bummed out that you had to start dialysis.  If it lasts too long or truly is depression, then that is something you need to speak to a doctor about.  Otherwise, I think it is okay to not be happy about this right now.  It is okay to feel a little sorry for yourself.  I don't believe anyone who had to start dialysis felt too much different at the beginning.  I think some previous posts here give some pretty good advice.  Always know that we are here for you and we "get it".
Marc

[Lillupie]

hi Goofy,
 I agree with Hanify, it is not good to tell yourself that you are depressed. I have been there and done that. Its overwheming but you can take just one step at a time.

 You are doing somethng that i couldnt do when i first started dialysis. I ended up on another site, and I would never go on there at all because I would constantly hear this person getting a transplant, that person getting a transplant, and it made me feel bad that I wasnt getting one, and here you are atleast able to talk to others.

Good you are doing PD. Do you have any kidney function left at all? If you do, it is good that you choose PD because you will be able to pee longer then if you were on hemo. Atleast you are not being foreced to sit in a chair for 4 hours.

Yes this really does suck, but it is better then the alternative and better then hemo. I might be writing a book on dialysis in hopes that other people will not feel so alone, and to spread awareness, but I still have a few bad days here and there (like my post on my birthday, 11/6/). Those days are not as much as they were. Are you a diabetic? What caused your kidneys to go?

Anyways, we are all here for you, so dont hesitate to talk to us.

Lisa

[texasstyle]

Aaww, I'm sending you a big hug. Dialysis is an ADJUSTMENT in life. Like someone said, don't let it CONTROL your life.

[billybags]

Goofey, I am thinking about you and I am sending you lots of hugs. It is such a big road to travel, but we will be walking with you.

[cherpep]

It sounds like you're defeating yourself.  Attitude is sooooo important.  If you can't pull yourself out of this, you should seek help with your depression.  Perhaps your nephrologist can refer you to someone who can help.  Dialysis is a lot to deal with - but it is possible to still live your life.   I truly hope you can find the help you need = whether you can do it yourself, or with a professional.  Best wishes to you in your new journey.

[kitkatz]

Hugs and hope!

[Poppylicious]

Hey Goofy, sending you many *hugs* ...

[RedMist]

Hey Goofy,

I've battled depression and mania for 40 years.  I'm not you so I can't say I know know how you feel but I damn sure can say I know the inside of having your feelings and mind hijacked.  One of my biggest fears is that when I have my remaining kidney removed that my mood stabilizer and anti-depressant won't work well enough and I'll be disabled by my mind and not dialysis.   I'm also wondering what difference the absence of my adrenal glands will make to my mind and body.

Because you said you knew it would would happen I'm guessing that depression is no stranger to you and further, your depression may be a product of your body chemistry.  The word depression has a broad range of medical meanings but just a couple-a-three in common parlance.  Frequent origins of depression are life circumstances - both internal and external, genetic, drug side effects, drug interactions, and chronic illness.  A particularly important point about chronic illness is depression often an integral part of an illness and not simply a normal emotional response that has become maladaptive.
Some examples of illnesses that disorder moods and thinking:  diabetes, multiple sclerosis, nutritional disorders, renal diseases, Parkinson's disease, cancer, stroke, and occult infections. 

It very often takes more than force of will to successfully overcome depression.

Joe