I wish there were more of you around tonight

[KICKSTART]

Ive just rung the Samaritans because i think im on the verge of a breakdown tonight. Im totally paranoid about every little rumble or anything with my stomach now. If i feel a bit sick (which isnt unusual) im in a panic in case its the start of symptoms of peritonitis now. Im dreading Tuesday because i discharged myself that night , what if i acted in haste? did i do the right thing (though it felt the right thing then) Am i now going to get peritonitis? Is the specialist going to throw it back in my face for discharging myself? Oh my minds swimming and i keep breaking down in tears. I dont want to keep ringing my mum because of course shes going to agree with me. I just keep thinking did i do right to go that night ? but at the time i couldnt stay a minute longer. So many 'if's im driving myself crazy. Then if the specialist starts on me , i dont know what i will do ? run? stay? I just feel like im on the edge of a cliff ready to jump. I know all this may seem a bit dramatic to some of you , but i guess this is what a breakdown is like ? I dont know , ive never had one before . Im just writing whats going through my head. My biggest fear .. have i actually got peritonitis? My other discharging myself the other night and facing the specialist on tuesday now. Just as a reality check , its been 6 days now and i have no pain , no fever, no vomiting , but even that doesnt convince me it isnt lurking somewhere waiting to go full blown. Even the surgeon said a high white blood cell count means nothing , he said you could have a bit of a bug (which may have been true on the monday all this started) I just wish i could convince myself , common sense should tell me , but i cant , i just cant help it.

[okarol]

Don't worry about what others might/could would say - it doesn't matter at the moment. Take a look at how you are feeling and what your symptoms are. If you can check you temperature that would be helpful.

Here is more info:

 Major symptoms of peritonitis are:

    * Acute onset of severe, steady pain throughout the abdomen or localized in one area. Pain may persist for several hours and is worsened by movement or pressure on the abdomen

    * Board-like rigidity of the abdomen, due to contraction of the muscles of the abdominal wall

    * Swollen or bloated abdomen

    * Chills and fever, with profuse perspiration

    * Nausea and vomiting

    * Weakness

    * Pale, cold skin

    * Shock

I know it's hard, but if you focus on what is NOT happening you'll just make yourself more anxious.
 

[KICKSTART]

okarol , thanks for the info but believe me ive been on every board on the net looking at info on peritonitis ! I dont have any symptoms . None.  but its a mental thing , like what if they havent flared up yet ? Because that doctor said it was life or death , i keep thinking has it time to start yet? It has been 6 days. I know all the facts make sense but i cant for some reason convince myself. Maybe this is what a breakdown is all about ? I dont know .

[Poppylicious]

I don't know anything about peritonitis so can't help you with that, but sweets, do you have anybody who can go with you on Tuesday? Just someone who will be there for moral support and hold your hand (maybe not literally!). I know it's easier said than done but try not to panic and worry, and most of all try not to dwell on the 'what ifs'.  If okarol's post has reassured you, could you put find some random comedy on the tellybox, or find a trashy novel to read to try and take your mind off things?  Is it too late to go for a walk with and blow those thoughts from your mind in the autumnal blustery weather?

Sorry, I'm not  always good with advice and knowing what to say to people (but I am someone who constantly worries and panics myself about everything, so I can relate to that) but just know I'm thinking of you.  *hugs*

(If the Samaritans helped, ring them again if you need to.)

[Goofy]

Kickstart, you are describing exactly how feel about starting dialysis so I'm not going to say don't worry about your fear with having peritonitis.  I don't want to say that you'll be OK because in your mind, you are not OK.

I hope I can make you feel a little more comfortable with your decision for leaving the hospital.  Maybe this is a blessing in disguise?  Maybe someone will actually listen to you?  If things didn't get so complicated in the beginning, you would not be this panicy.  Now you'll have an "audience" and you can tell them all your frustration with the way you are treated at the hospital and at dialysis.

The night you left the hospital, I feel, was not a bad decision.  How much more could you have taken?  I would have been scared to death just thinking what could have happened to you if you stayed.  Please don't beat yourself up over this. You made the decision at the time and when you meet with the specialist, if he says one word to you, tell him to put himself in your shoes.  How can you trust them to take care of you when there is so much discrepancy with what you were told.

I also understand your panic attacks.  I have them (go figure!!) and they are not fun.  Hang in there.  You have done nothing wrong.  You have to look out for YOUR best interests and if the doctors can't see that, then they should change professions.

[dwcrawford]

Kickstart, I hate encroaching on your private thoughts with your friends, but your post here touched a nerve with me.  I’m going to offer comments regardless of what anyone says about it. 

First of all, you seem worried about repecussions over checking yourself out of the hospital.  Been there!  If your anxiety tells you that you have to go then go with no apologies.  Any health care provider worth their salt will surely understand that.

Secondly, say a little thank you to your god for giving you such an inept ER surgeon that his delays may have saved you from unnecessary and even harmful surgery.

Third is that I realize how late it is now in the UK, but early tomorrow call and find a qualified therapist to talk to.  You stated that  you feel as if you are on the very of a breakdown.  If  you feel it, then you most probably are (been there).  Meantime I’d suggest you focus intentlly on something  outside yourself until morning.  What is your passion, your cause or some issue you can focus on until you sleep for the night?  I’m thinking dogs!  Write to us about your dogs.   I know I’d care because it was  your concern for the dogs that made me take notice of what was going on with you.  Hey, my dogs are smarter and curter than your dogs!  Wanna fight about it?

Fourth and last,  I’d suggest that you download a copy of the Serenity Prayer.  Forget about the god issues and read it simply as a self  help poem.  It’s meaning is quite powerful  in situations like this.

Again, I don’t mean to intrude but I am  genuinely concerned about the post that you made here.

[okarol]

Good advice dw, but there's no reason to feel you're encroaching on a public forum.

[RichardMEL]

my only comment to add is that you made decisions for yourself that seemed to be the best for you at the time you made them. You can't go back and change it now and even if you could you probably wouldn't. When I think about possible mistakes in my past (and there have been lots!) I try to NOT focus on what if's or maybe's - it's all in the past. I think back to how I felt and what was going on at the time for me and recall that every time I made what seemed to be the best decision at the time. Now in hindsight, which is always much better, some may have not been the smartest moves to make - but that's always a declaration made with the clarity of knowing what happened, or further information/details not known at the time - things which you can NEVER know because they hadn't happened.

I think it's best to try to not beat yourself up about if it was a mistake or not to discharge yourself. It happened. What you need to do now is focus on what you'll do about it - in terms of seeing them on Tuesday and what may or may not go down from that. As someone else wrote in the other thread - write down in a logical and consise manner what you did and why and the timelines as you understand it. That will help if/when the questions and accusations come and you can back up your statements with some facts (as you understand them/your point of view). You may not win any awards or brownie points, but your decision making process will be clearer to all and there may be some understanding from the other side as to why you did what.

As for worrying about every single little thing and driving yourself insane. It may well  be worth your own piece of mind to get checked out - even if that means going to the ER - rather than sitting at home stewing over maybe's or whatever and googling potential symptoms and potentially getting the WRONG information and jumping to an inaccurate conclusion. If you ARE worried, get yourself checked.. if you're OK and it's a "waste of time" then it isn't really because you'd be calmed as to your state of health and if there IS something brewing, it can be picked up.

those are my two cents anyway. OK two pence.

[kamalshah20]

Hi Kickstart,

I'm assuming you're continuing your PD exchanges. Is the drain fluid clear? Or is there any cotton-wool like stuff in it?

If you don't have a fever and the drain bag is clear then it is likely that you don't have peritonitis. If you have any such symptoms then you should worry about it. Since you don't then it is definitely nothing serious.

Thanks
Kamal
http://kamaldshah.com

[Stoday]

Don't worry about getting back on track at the hospital KS.

I chickened out of an upper endoscopy; cancelled a week before the examination. No one chastised me for being a naughty boy. The specialist just treated the incident professionally as something that happens. Caught up with the program and had my endoscopy 3 months later...

[boswife]

just wish to give you some support...  It was awful what your dr put you through, and it's completly understandable that you would be going through this panic, and anxiety.  Geesh, how much can a person take from someone who they are suppose to be trusting with their health.  He NEVER should have said what he did, and now you pay for it.  Now, it does  sound like your in a safe zone as far as that issue goes, but you really need to take care of your worrysome self... Right now, that sounds like the more important thing to get under control.  I know you love your dogs, let them help heal your anxiety for now, and give them some good brushings, or masages, or cuddles.. do some extra training with them... Ok, these are things that bring my anxiety down, but really may work for you too and bring you some peace.  Keep your prayers going, and trust them...  Sending hugs, and prayers for some comfort and calm...

[kristina]

I am sorry for what you are going through
and I am sorry for the problems you are having.
I wish I could give some practical advice.
Unfortunately I have been severely traumatized myself.
If I knew what to do I would have been able to help myself already,
but unfortunately I don't know what to do or what to say.
It seems we are traumatized by a very cruel system.
Would it be a good idea if you leave me your phone number and we have a talk?
Best wishes from Kristina.